QOTD 2011 (Excitable Blog, They All Said)

The End of Schadenfreude Week...er...Month (or Go Cardinals!)

2011-10-17T21:30:00.007-04:00

Tonight's a grab bag of various baseball-related junk, in honor of QOTD's beloved St. Louis Cardinals' 18th trip to the World Series.

St. Louis Cardinals' record as of first QOTD in 16 months: 79-68. (.537 winning percentage)

St. Louis Cardinals' record since: 18-8. (.692 winning percentage)

Coincidence? Yes, totally.

But to wrap up our long-overdue Schadenfreude posts, we'd like to present this classic from Nyger Morgan on Twitter, posted on September 7 after the Cardinals beat the Milwaukee Brewers:

"Where still n 1st and I hope those crying birds injoy watching tha Crew in tha Playoffs!!! Aaaaahhhh!!!" (sic) Oops. Consider the Birds done watching.

From one genius to another Genius. From today's Onion Sportswire:"Tony LaRussa Proving That You Can Win with an Insane Asshole as Manager"

The never before seen story of Colby Rasmus' exit from the Cardinals!

One final LaRussa note from the great Joe Posnanski, in a tweet referring to the future stinkbomb In Time starring Justin Timberlake, Amanda Seyfried, and Pete Campbell:

"Movie coming out where everyone gets only 25 years to live? Think how mad La Russa's constant pitching changes would make you."

To close, also from Posnanski on his blog, commenting on the ubiquitous (and hideously awful) commercial for AT&T that's been running every half-inning in the MLB Playoffs:

OK, this is the worst commercial on television. The worst. Nothing is even close. Let’s see if we can get this straight: This sad sack guy walks into his wife’s greenhouse to give her the good news that he has gotten some sort of unlimited minutes plan or something. The woman — who remember is in her OWN GREENHOUSE — is furious that he would make such a huge financial commitment without checking with her first, and says, almost certainly for the 1,894,381st time in their marriage, that she should have married John Clark.

The sad sack guy takes this abuse for a few seconds before offering the kicker — he got the unlimited minutes plan for free when he signed up for some unlimited data plan. And this, incredibly, leads to the woman to look at him with newfound respect, rather than leading her to say, “How much did that unlimited data plan cost? How about asking your wife? I should have married John Clark.”

I have never seen two less likable people in one commercial. The man looks like the sort of guy who would break your lawn mower and keep promising to pay you for the repairs. The woman makes Nurse Ratched look like Florence Nightingale.* They obviously hate each other, and have for a long time. You imagine that even their kids hope they finally divorce.

*Hey: 1970s movies reference plus British military health care reformer equals comedy gold!

And how is this supposed to make us in any way want to go with this phone plan? No idea. It’s pretty clear that there’s only one winner in this whole commercial. And that winner is: John Clark.

Awesome. And Go Cardinals!

We get knocked down, but we get up again...

2011-09-27T22:12:00.006-04:00

We're disingenuous here at QOTD. So even though Schadenfreude Week technically started last week, we didn't technically say that it was going to be one contiguous 7-day period. So on we go!

We've covered some bad movies, some bad TV, and some bad movies and TV starring Hulk Hogan. But as anyone who's listened to the radio since - well - ever knows, popular music has long been pretty awful.

The miles-long list of especially questionable number one hits in the U.S. include stinkbombs like "Have You Ever Really Loved a Woman" (by the detestable Bryan Adams), "Macarena" (14!! weeks at Number 1 in 1996) by Los Del Rio, "Batdance" by Prince, "In the Year 2525" by Zager and Evans, and "Jingle Jangle Jingle" by Kay Kyser (yeah, we don't know this one either).

You will see no denigration of Ms. Katy Perry on these pages - both because the Official Wife of QOTD loves her, and because we love her HUGE...talent. (apologies to Monty Python)

We referred to this band in an earlier post last year, but no discussion of silly music would be complete without an appearance from the ultra-ridiculous Freddie
and the Dreamers. Below, their number one hit from 1965 (amazingly knocking The Supremes' far superior "Stop! In the Name of Love" out of that spot) "I'm Telling You Now":

Next season, on So You Think You Can Dance...

This sets up today's quote from the legendary rock critic Lester Bangs, in the Rolling Stone History of Rock n' Roll:

"... Freddie and the Dreamers [had] no masterpiece but a plentitude of talentless idiocy and enough persistence to get four albums and one film soundtrack released ... the Dreamers looked as thuggish as Freddie looked dippy ... Freddie and the Dreamers represented a triumph of rock as cretinous swill, and as such should be not only respected, but given their place in history."

Amen.

I'd rather...I'd rather...just sing!

2011-09-20T22:19:00.003-04:00

Like Prince Herbert from Monty Python and the Holy Grail, sometimes we here at the QOTD bureau are known to just belt out a tune in the middle of doing something else. Off-putting? Sure. We're much less likely to angry dance, like Bret:

But sometimes you've just gotta sing. Speaking of which, tonight at Loft 1523, the last ever karaoke night. You know where to find us. (which, given our average daily hit rate is like 10 people, I'm guessing we won't be seeing anyone extra this evening. The saddest thing about that is that we averaged significantly more visitors when we took a year and a half off blogging. This is like land that loses value when you build a house on it. QOTD: It's fantastic!)

Anyway, back to the singing stuff. Since it's Day 3 of Schadenfreude Week - we're going to delve into the glories of two shows that died way too young (for those of us who like terrible tv shows). Musical theatre + dramatic television = together at last in the form of 1990's Cop Rock and 2007's Viva Laughlin.

The oft-mocked Cop Rock was a Steven Bochco production (Hill Street Blues, NYPD Blue) that featured musical segments interspersed between police drama. The ridiculous name probably brought a lot of the ridicule the show faced, but not as much as segments like this, from the pilot episode, when the jury (spoiler alert!) finds the defendent guilty. In gospel choir-style.

QOTD would like to remind its alert readers that ELEVEN episodes of this show aired on network tv, back when people still watched network tv. Today, Cop Rock might be cancelled at the first commercial break.

Learning nothing from this humiliation, Hugh Jackman and company tried another musical drama called Viva Laughlin. This show lasted an entire 2 episodes (1 in Jackman's native Australia) before the merciful end, proving Dr. Cox from Scrubs correct.

If only Professor X could see me now!

For today's quote, Joel McHale from The Soup after Viva Laughlin's untimely demise:

"Sad news. Viva Laughlin, the show that was loved by hundreds, has come to an end after a respectable 2-episode run."

Joel goes on to express his deep sorrow that the show would no longer be around for future segments here:

Say your prayers and take your vitamins...

2011-09-19T22:52:00.003-04:00

It's day two of Schadenfreude Week, and when it comes to substandard movies and television, Hulk Hogan is the world heavyweight champion, with such credits as Suburban Commando, Mr. Nanny and 3 Ninjas: High Noon at Mega Mountain under his (WWE title) belt. Of course, all of these bombs are balanced out by his Emmy-winning performance as Hurricane Spencer in the award-winning Thunder in Paradise. We are contractually obligated to post the brilliant opening sequence below. Slice up a lime, crack open a beer and enjoy.

James Cameron wishes he had a special effects budget like this!

But since we're in Schadenfreude Week, we're going to focus on the Hulkster's 1996 gem, Santa with Muscles, which rates a robust #61 on the bottom 100 movies on imdb.com (only 6 spots ahead of yesterday's QOTD inspiration Bucky Larson. Hulk had to be at his movie-killing best to overpower appearances by the likes of Mila Kunis (2 years before That 70's Show, and only one year before her star turn on Walker, Texas Ranger!), Clint Howard, and Ed Begley, Jr. (aka Stan Sitwell).

Quick plot synopsis from IMDB: "An evil millionaire (Hulk Hogan) gets amnesia and then belives that he is Santa Claus." Unfortunately, as a millionaire, Hulk's character had at least 5 times more money than Santa with Muscles grossed in the theatres. I'm sure it was big on VHS, though.

It's hard to imagine that things went off the rails with quotes like the following:

"Santa, you sleigh me!"
--Dr. Blight (Steve Valentine) to Santa (Hulk Hogan).

QOTD note for aspiring screenwriters: the use of homophones, like "slay" and "sleigh" for a pun-related joke tends not to work when said aloud, as the joke generally relies on the viewer/listener to understand that you're using the homophone. Similarly, please don't create characters who do nothing but make puns on their name. For examples, please see every line spoken by Arnold Schwarzenegger in Batman & Robin:

Anyway, feel free to add Santa with Muscles to your Netflix (er, Qwikster) queue. You'll want to get it in there now so it will arrive by Christmas. Or Kwanzaa. Or at least by Wrestlemania.

Schadenfreude Week!

2011-09-18T20:14:00.007-04:00

Long-time readers of QOTD (is there another kind?) know that we often enjoy a nice wallow in the misery of others. Specifically the makers of really bad entertainment. This song from the Broadway show Avenue Q pretty much sums up our feelings on the subject. (note: you may want to take Dramamine if you're planning on watching this - the camerawork is pretty Cloverfield)

Since we're always excited to spend some time reviewing crap in pop culture, we thought we'd go ahead and dedicate this second week of our return to focusing on some junk - present and past.

Behold, the Citizen Kane for a new generation!

Recently, a historic film ("an historic film" to our British friends) was foisted upon the unsuspecting movie-going public. This quality pic came from the esteemed Happy Madison production company, whose previous efforts Zookeeper and Just Go With It scored 14% and 20% positive reviews according to Rotten Tomatoes. This movie, Bucky Larson: Born to be a Star has a record-tying Rotten Tomatoes score of 0%. That means that they couldn't find one blogger/reviewer willing to provide a positive review in return for an autographed Mr. Deeds poster. Not only were the overall ratings universally negative, but the average reviewer rating was 1.6 out of 10. Truly an amazing display of putridity, and one that makes us wish we were strong enough to sit through it. Apparently the story of an imbecilic, buck-toothed Iowan who dreams of being a porn star, though a very common tale, is not the Oscar fare you'd think. It's directed by Tom Brady, by the way (not making this up). Though it's probably not the Patriots quarterback with the flowing locks and the supermodel wife, we're going to go ahead and pretend it is anyway. Because we hate the cheating Patriots.

Bieber lookalike AND Bucky Larson director? Way more impressive than those 900 yards of passing this season...

So, for your reading pleasure, some reviews of this quality entertainment:

First, from Grantland.com, Dan Kois' Razzie Award watch column, dedicated to predicting the winners of the Razzie awards, claims that Bucky Larson is a runaway favorite for Worst Movie. From his article:

"Here are 10 scenes that tell us Bucky Larson has the right mix of no-good awfulness and mortifying stupidity and B-list actors doing far from their best work to become a Razzie champ.

1. The scene in which a guy smears peanut butter on his genitals and has his pet goat lick it off. (Note: This is the first scene of the movie.)"

Andrew Barker, from Variety writes: "Adam Sandler's Happy Madison production shingle often alternates between the star's own, bigger-budgeted vehicles and decidedly downmarket pics featuring his buddies. The latter category reaches an almost impossibly low nadir with the Nick Swardson-starring porn-industry comedy "Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star," one of the most astonishingly unfunny films of this or any other year."

"This may be the worst movie Pauly Shore has ever been in. Think about that. If you dare, go on Netflix and test the hypothesis."
--A.O. Scott from the New York Times

"This movie is taking poorly written stabs at all kinds of different communities without showing any affection for any of them. The best kind of comedy comes from even the smallest amount of endearment, and this movie has none, leaving it a black smoking crater of bad, unfunny juju."
--Grae Drake from Movies.com

Summing things up is Matt Singer from Time Out New York:

"Every paid admission should include a T-shirt that reads, i saw bucky larson and all i got was this dead feeling inside."

QOTD would wear that t-shirt.

Send lawyers, guns and money...

2011-09-15T21:50:00.018-04:00

Lawyers take a lot of grief. Everyone's heard the jokes (Q: If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him? A: It might be your bicycle. Q: Why do they bury lawyers under 20 feet of dirt? A: Because deep down, they're really good people. etc, etc). We here at the QOTD Bureau are here to stand up for our attorney friends, by going through a list of our favorite members of the legal profession.

Because our research interns are taking time off for Fall Hat Month, we're sure we're missing a few people here. Some lawyers we did NOT miss: Elle Woods (Reese Witherspoon makes our head hurt), Denny Crane (we watched zero episodes of The Practice), Ally McBeal (we preferred the guy from Ghostbusters 2 in that show), and Matlock (it's after Labor Day, friend).

So that opening out of the way, on to our list of our favorite 15 lawyers of all time:

15. Adam Schiff

Though Jack McCoy and Benjamin Stone got more of the attention, the eternally cranky DA makes all those TNT Law & Order marathons worthwhile.

14. Johnnie Cochran (the South Park version)

The real-life Johnnie Cochran might have helped OJ get away with murder with his "if the gloves don't fit, you must acquit" line. But that defense pales in comparison to the Chewbacca defense, which is so powerful that it has its own wikipedia page and is required study in first year law schools all across the land.

13. Atticus Finch

A stand-up dude.

12. That girl from J.A.G.

Okay, so we actually never saw J.A.G.. Nor do we know anyone else who's seen it. But we're pretty sure she was a pretty awesome lawyer. Or something.

11. Tom Hagen

As Don Corleone's right-hand man , he served as the voice of reason but wielded great power. Just like the role Andy Richter plays for Conan O'Brien.

10. Clair Huxtable

Who doesn't love Mrs. Huxtable? And she put up with those sweaters (and presumably lots of Jello pudding pops).

9. Vincent Gambini (Jerry Gallo/Callow)

Vinny's opening statement: "Uh... everything that guy just said is bullshit... Thank you."

8. All attorneys and the judge involved in the court case featured in The Rural Juror, the famous Kevin Grisham novel.

(not pictured)

7. Lt. Sam Weinberg

Another well-known second banana (potentially third, depending on your opinion of Lt. Commander Jo Gallo and her strenuous objections), he stands up for Pvt. Santiago, he gives Lt. Kaffee the "every day of the week and twice on Sunday" pep talk, and he's actually shorter than Tom Cruise, which probably played a huge role in his casting. Not to mention the fact that his role was played on the stage by Official Brother of QOTD, Kevin Doll. Plenty to make it onto this list.

6. Harvey Birdman

Just a great show. And his character is voiced by Bill Lumbergh. Yeaahhhhhh.

5. Punitive Damages

Punitive Damages, Javad Khazaeli's attorney/rapper alter-ego. Best known for his platinum album "Kickin' It in My Legal Briefs". Currently touring Dubai with Gröûp X: Arabian Rap Sensations.

4. Lionel Hutz

The Simpson family lawyer, who sometimes practices out of the "I Can't Believe It's a Law Firm" mall storefront. He also won a case against an all-you-can-eat buffet on Homer's behalf, calling it "the most blatant case of false advertising since The Never Ending Story". That rhetoric is almost as powerful as the Chewbacca defense.

3. Barry Zuckercorn / Wayne Jarvis / Bob Loblaw

The Arrested Development lawyers were, in order, very good, professional, and no hablo espanol. Zuckercorn had the most screen time, having anonymous rest stop sex, not reading pleas, extolling the virtues of Burger King, and even jumping a shark. Jarvis even hid professionally. And Bob Loblaw? Not only did he write the Bob Loblaw Law Blog, but he had one of the best legal commericals of all time:

2. Ed Stevens

The world's preeminent bowling alley attorney and founder of the Festival of Ducks, Ed Stevens was the linchpin (along with Dr. Jerome) of the heavily underrated early 2000s show Ed.

1. Katie Doll

Official Sister of QOTD just passed the bar this week, providing the inspiration for this post. Huge congratulations to her!

Now to the quote:

"I strenuously object?" Is that how it works? Hm? "Objection." "Overruled." "Oh, no, no, no. No, I STRENUOUSLY object." "Oh. Well, if you strenuously object then I should take some time to reconsider."

--Lt. Sam Weinberg, finding fault with Lt. Cmdr. Jo Galloway's objection style in A Few Good Men

With so much drama in the C-L-T...

2011-09-12T21:44:00.009-04:00

Vague Snoop Dogg references in our post title aside (Snoop Dogg. You know. The tall black guy from that one Katy Perry song), we've recently been inspired to actually post something new on our long-ignored blog.

One of the fun things about starting this again is revisiting some of our old favorite sources of inspiration. (she's blind! but she can sculpt a head that looks almost nothing like Lionel Richie! wait, that's probably what we would've expected.) Oh yeah, inspiration. Checked out the Comics Curmudgeon for the first time in a couple of years, and found this delicious post, including a winner from Mark Trail, QOTD's favorite ass-kicking naturalist.

He's so bad-ass he exclaims everything he says - even when being attacked by a goose in the strip below (unlike Fabio, who probably just wept gently, when hit by a bird).

Periods are for weaker men.

As much as we love Mark Trail, that's how much we grew to hate Entourage after about the second season. Since the show mercifully wrapped up its run on HBO this past weekend, we figured we'd pay our respects. What will we do now that it's not on the air? Where will we get our fill of over-privileged, unlikable douche-helmets where there are no consequences for any of their actions? It's like Jersey Shore with less fighting. If only a gaggle of geese would go all Mark Trail on their asses. With an exclamation point, no doubt.

This CollegeHumor video so aptly satirizes Entourage's pitiful "dramatic situations" that I might as well just let it speak for itself. If only they'd had someone 2 feet shorter playing tough guy E, who was always the most excruciating of the bunch.

Now for today's quote, from our friend Sterling Archer, who could teach Bank of America management how to motivate an employee:

Archer: "Stop. Shut up. I have to go, and If I find one single dog hair when I get back, I'll... rub sand in your dead little eyes."
Woodhouse: "Very good, Sir."
Archer: "I also need you to go buy sand."
Woodhouse: "Yes, Sir."
Archer: "I don't know if they grade it, but... coarse."

Real new post below, but this is too good...

2010-02-11T23:14:00.003-05:00

Coming from Mark Doll, an official uncle of the QOTD Bureau, we present this, without comment, from the great Dolph Lundgren, aka "Sweden's Hugh Jackman" (you can start watching at the 0:55 mark if you'd like. You won't miss anything, unless you speak Swedish):

Alright, now that you've had your day made, continue on down to the post below.

Stache! 'Stache, I love you - but we only have 14 hours to save the earth!

2010-02-11T21:09:00.006-05:00

This song is both the inspiration for this post's title, and video of Freddie Mercury's awe-inspiring mustache at the peak of its ability to inspire awe.

We're down to the last 24 hours of this year's mustache adventures, and I've spent the last week ill. I'm fairly sure this is a Tobias Funke graft-versus-host situation. My immune system has been rejecting my mustache. Or my mustache has been holding in the germs. Either way, it's been even more unpleasant than usual over the last week.

Tomorrow night (Friday night, February 12, that is. With ~~hundreds~~, er, ~~dozens~~, er high single digits of you reading this blog every day, it's tough to know when you're logging on) is the 'Stache Bash, the big finale party being held at Madison's/the Attic in uptown Charlotte. As part of the festivities, the mustached men get into costume to be paraded in front of local news personalities to judged on quality of 'stache and quality of costume. It's like a Mr. Mustached Charlotte pageant, but I get awarded no points for my talent of doing a Michael McDonald impersonation. Alas. And my GVH affliction has left a little short on the costume front, too. But rather than get too angry about my situation, I choose to make like the aforementioned Mike McD and get smoooooth:

Yacht Rock - it's all-out smooooooth...

If you can join us for the big party, come on out. If you can't, but want to show just how smooth you are, throw some money the kids' way before the Mustache month ends.

For a final push, we're going to quote our own blog (hooray for laziness! And chutzpah!) from the day of the November 2008 'Stache Bash, and our take on Isaac Hayes' classic Shaft:

Who's the pasty white guy
who's a sex machine to all the chicks?
'Stache!
You're damn right...

Who is the man
Who would risk his upper lip for his brother man?
'Stache!
Can ya dig it?

Who's the cat who won't cop out
When there's ridicule all about?
'Stache!
Right on

You see, this cat 'Stache is a hairy mutha...
Shut yo' mouth!
But I'm talkin' 'bout 'Stache!
Then we can dig it!

He's a complicated man
But no one understands him like his woman...
'Stache Bash!

a photo from last year's 'Stache Bash, when I went as everyone's favorite Cuban dictator...

A not-safe-for-work video moment

2010-02-08T20:25:00.004-05:00

This video is very funny. But don't watch this at work, unless you have a really awesome work environment. Don't say you weren't warned.

Link to an awesome mustache-related video

The video description: The AMI calls beards "The Spousal Compromise" because they assume wimpiness is the only reason a mustache wearer would include a beard on his face. Way to make an ass out of u and me.

Lighting the Traditional Mustache Candle

2010-01-30T18:32:00.006-05:00

We here at the QOTD Bureau/Mustache Central strive to be all-inclusive, for people of all races, nationalities and faiths. (and people searching google for "Burt Reynolds big hat funny") That's how we've ended up with visitors from 28 countries in the past month (including 2 visitors from Iran and Denmark - we're HUGE there).

But today we're going to reach into our Catholic background to discuss the similarities of the Advent season to the Mustaches for Kids mustache-growing season. For those who don't know, or slept through their Catholic grade school religion classes, Advent is essentially the four-week preparation for the coming of Christmas. Mustache-growing season is essentially a four-week preparation for the removal of my dilapidated mustache.

Many people use traditional Advent calendars to count down until the big day. And most of the growers are counting down the days until we can shave again (13!).

One of the most common Advent traditions is the Advent wreath:

This wreath contains three purple candles and one pink one. The purple candles represent the 1st, 2nd and 4th Sundays in Advent, and the pink represents the third
Sunday, also known as Gaudete Sunday (meaning "rejoice"). The lighting of the pink candle means that the Advent preparations are more than half over, and Christmas is coming soon. Drawing on this powerful tradition, we here at the QOTD bureau have come up with what we're now calling the Traditional Mustache Wreath.

Behold, the power of Powerpoint + Microsoft Photo Editor - take that, James Cameron!

As you can see, we've made it to week 3, or John Cleese Week. Lighting the traditional Basil Fawlty candle was a major step for us - it means that we're over halfway through growing season - and that Julie, the Official Wife of QOTD will soon be able to be seen with me in public without cringing! Maybe.

In honor of Mr. Cleese, a scene from the great Fawlty Towers where Basil waits on a table of Germans after suffering a head injury:

In other news, at Mustache Checkpoint #2 on Thursday night, I wore my standard costume and was voted the best lookalike for Coach Mike Ditka. It was inevitable when I wore those excellent sunglasses (and started berating bystanders).

Quick fundraising update: We've now raised well over $25,000 as a group, and thanks to all the generous donors, I've raised $942 and counting. If you'd like to donate, visit My Mustaches for Kids Donation Page.

Today's quote is from a 1991 Saturday Night Live sketch, where The Superfans from Chicago discuss some hypothetical athletic contests:

Bob Swerski (George Wendt): "If I may shift gears for a moment gentleman, coach Ditka vs. a hurricane, who would win?"

Todd (Chris Farley), Pat (Mike Myers), Carl (Rob Smigel): "Ditka, Ditka!!"

Bob: "Hold on, Hold on, Hold on. The name of the hurricane is Hurricane Ditka."

Mustaches on Parade!

2010-01-27T13:37:00.008-05:00

We're now almost 2 weeks into the invasion of charitable mustaches all over Charlotte, and as a group, we've raised an amazing $21,000 already. I believe I speak for all of my fellow growers when I thank everyone sincerely for donating as it makes all the dubious glances and shaking heads worthwhile.

So for the donation honor roll as of 1/27 at 1:45pm eastern time:
Bruce Affleck, John Borgmeyer, Sierra Cook, Carolyn Cox, Julie Doll, Katie Doll, Kevin Doll, Kurt Doll, Javad Khazaeli, Kim Ochal, Robin Rankin, Christina Spatz and Mariann Witkowski. Thanks for everyone's generosity - my mustache (updated pic coming tomorrow) has now raised $797. Pretty amazing for something I can't even bear to look at in the mirror. To add your name to this illustrious list of heroic individuals, jump to My Donation Page and make a contribution. The kids appreciate it!

In other mustache-related news, QOTD Friend/Fellow Mustache Grower Mike Bufkin has a must-see update to his Wispy Tickler blog. Since we have dozens (literally, two dozens) of average visitors here, we need to drive up his visitor count. Go there now to read it. We'll wait. For you fast readers, here's something to look at while you're waiting for all those slow, hooked on monkey phonics readers to finish up:

Okay, glad that we're all back now. As you might guess, after three years of blogging about mustache-related jokes/references, we're running out of new material. For some reason, while NOT sleeping last night and trying to come up with other pop-culture mustache references, I remembered the great Bullwinkle Show, one of the original cartoons that aimed many of its jokes over the heads of its child viewers, making it a forerunner of later animations like The Simpsons, Shrek and Barney. Despite its comedic brilliance, The Bullwinkle Show was also a forerunner in stigmatizing the proud and dignified mustache. The show regularly ran segments like Rocky and Bullwinkle cartoons (featuring mustachioed villain Boris Badenov), Dudley Do-Right (featuring mustachioed villain Snidely Whiplash), and also Peabody's Improbable History. This segment featured the genius dog Peabody and his pet boy Sherman going back through time to learn about various historical events. And at the end of every episode, there is a messy parade left to be cleaned up by whom? Yes, a hapless janitor with a mustache who appears to reside in his trash can, like Oscar the Grouch. Luckily, he eventually moved out of his trash can and onto stardom in Mythbusters:

Proving that mustached men can rise to great things from humble beginnings!

In my valiant attempt to fix these historical prejudices against the mustache, I realized that it's not enough to send emails with awe-inspiring photos like this one from a M4K event in 11/2008:

See this outfit recreated tonight at the Common House - I didn't spend $5 on it at the Salvation Army NOT to wear it every year!

No - pictures and blog posts are clearly not enough to face back this rising tide. I need to take this show on the road! Next week, my 'stache will take its first ever road trip - heading to St. Louis, home of the American Mustache Institute, the St. Louis Cardinals, who grew mustaches as a team last season, and the Gateway Arch, the world's largest mustache. So St. Louisans, ice down some Busch Light and get ready for some good times. More to come.

To close for today, we'll tie up our earlier conversation about Rocky and Bullwinkle with last week's conversation about our favorite low-rated tv shows. Apparently The Bullwinkle Show had some of the same issues:

Rocky: Bullwinkle, do you know what an A-Bomb is?
Bullwinkle: Sure, a bomb is what some people call our show.
Rocky: I don't think that's very funny.
Bullwinkle: Neither do they apparently.

Out of hiding! (only 19 days to go!)

2010-01-17T11:30:00.014-05:00

We're 10 days into 2010 Mustache Season, and the mustache has recently come out of Hibernation - we spent the first 6 days growing a full, Billy Mays-style (R.I.P.) playoff beard for our floor hockey playoffs. As one of the less-skilled players in a league where fighting is frowned upon, I had to do something special to pull my weight. I've been relegated to playing floor hockey because of my very substandard skating ability. I can't turn and I can't skate backwards, but I can go forward at a high-rate of speed until stopped by the boards or someone getting in my way. (This would make me an excellent forechecker--very persistent, but fairly ineffective. So floor hockey it is.)

So yes, putting on the foil is much less effective when you can't go all Hanson brothers in the floor hockey league (not THESE Hanson brothers. THOSE Hanson brothers) Our team, inspired by my beard, went on to buck the odds and win Lord Stanley's Cup. Which, in this case, means crappy black t-shirts.

Tastes like adult intramural victory.

But after that big victory and the ensuing celebratory parade (me walking through my garage), we eliminated the Billy Mays and are now looking much more like Adam Morrison.

Perhaps if this picture hadn't been taken 3 minutes after I'd gotten out of bed, we would look more alike.

Now HERE's two handsome guys that look alike!

In honor of the late great Billy Mays, we have a pitch for you, dear reader. Our mustache growing benefits projects in underfunded public schools - and if you'd like to support our shady-looking semi-'stache, you can go to My Mustache Giving Page to doante. Everything is tax-deductible and every little bit helps.

Now we'll leave you with a couple of classy youtube links. First, alert reader (and Official QOTD uncle) Mark Doll sent along this link of the 100 cheesiest movie quotes. It's definitely worth a watch, even though we're aghast at the inclusion of both Samuel L. Jackson's Snakes on a Plane quote and Rowdy Roddy Piper's classic "I have come here to chew bubblegum and kick ass... and I'm all out of bubblegum" quote from They Live.

They did not have anything from Gymkata, an old QOTD favorite, so we'll again link to the best scene in this movie, and potentially in cinematic history. No explanation necessary, but viewing is required:

Thanks to everyone for reading and donating. And as always, if you find yourself in trouble, head straight for the village pommel horse!

Tired Ground

2010-01-14T12:36:00.012-05:00

So here we are again. Writing can be a lonely business, and it can be very difficult to come up with fresh material. Every writer has their fallback topic. Dave Barry has his booger jokes, James Cameron has his stilted dialogue and third-grade-level plots covered up by amazing technology-driven effects and William Forrester has his you’re the man, now, dogs. Well, we here at QOTD/Mustache Central have two main topics that seem to be the focus of most of our posts.

George Lucas can't believe James Cameron's stealing his thunder...

First, there is the fact that we almost never update this thing, causing riots outside the QOTD bureau like Lane Kiffin’s departure from Tennessee. Second, that every year, we are involved in Mustaches for Kids – Charlotte, a sacrificial donation of upper-lip real estate to the cause of helping fund projects in schools around Charlotte. Luckily, since we haven’t posted anything since late September and today marks Shaving Day, the first day of 2010 Mustaches for Kids, we can lean on both of our fallback topics. Reader-unfriendly repetition 1, Creativity 0.

So it’s Mustache season again, when we make like a 70’s cop (minus the authoritah) and raise money for DonorsChoose. It’s a great organization, but we’re not super-excited to be sporting our juvenile delinquent-looking mustaches around town for the next few weeks.

We are excited for you to donate money to our fine cause, but we’ll save the pitch for a later date, when we’ve proven that we’ll actually update this blog every once in a while. Since we’re not thrilled about our future ‘staches, we’ll move on to a list of things we ARE excitable boys about here at the QOTD Bureau.

Excitable blog, they all said!

1. NBC looking like colossal idiots over this late night stuff. They really couldn’t have handled this any worse. Jay Leno is also looking like a backstabbing SOB (as well as the painfully unfunny hack he always looks like) by throwing Conan under the bus to get his old, lame show back.

2. Muse. Like everything else, we were late to this party, but have been listening to the last two albums quite a bit. Have also enjoyed watching their concert clips – and watching them live when they opened for U2 in October. They're truly excellent live, and also happen to have some of the most ridiculous lyrics of all time – as if the text from a crazy conspiracy theorist website was set to the music from Queen's "A Night at the Opera", but they’re awfully fun to listen to.
This is either one of the hardest songs in Guitar Hero history, or the drug-addled ravings of the guy under the overpass. You decide.

3. Talking about the past.

4. Better Off Ted – alongside Modern Family, the best comedy on TV, and yet no one seems to watch it. Unfortunately, QOTD’s comedy approval is often the kiss of death, as we’re on-board with the kind of quirky humor that doesn’t fly with the masses (ahem, Jay Leno fans). Ted could be joining QOTD faves Arrested Development, Pushing Daisies, and Andy Barker, P.I., as comedies that were great but never caught on with a wider audience.
This is how we here at QOTD feel about you, our loyal and loved reader.

5. Our fighting Charlotte Bobcats. 14-4 at home. We will focus on the positive and not mention their record away from Charlotte.

6. The QOTD Bureau's new snuggie. While it's not may not be as life-changing as The Wearable Towel, it's been pretty handy around the house with the freezing temperatures.

7. Clearly, we're already reaching, so we're going to leave #7 blank.

8. That's it. We don't want to use all of our material on our first post - so we'll be back soon with more mustachey goodness. As always, pictures will be added as the sketchiness grows. So onto the first quote of the day for 2010:

From last night's monologue on The Tonight Show:

“And I just want to say to the kids out there watching: You can do anything you want in life. Unless Jay Leno wants to do it, too." --Conan O'Brien

Quote of the Day (September 23, 2009); one more and it's officially a posting streak!

2009-09-23T22:24:00.006-04:00

So we're back for a second day in a row. This is going to be a shorter, more standard post. Maybe if we don't aim for long, drawn-out posts, we'll actually update this thing from time to time.

Anyway, tonight the entire QOTD bureau were out living it up at a birthday party for a 1 year old. Besides being generally adorable (and lethal to the structural integrity of his birthday cake), he got some tremendous birthday presents, including something awesome called Counting Maracas. Multiculturalism and numbers, together at last. As a society, we're seriously getting close to Hooked on Monkey Fonics:

Speaking of birthdays, I would like to lament in print (well, if you print this blog post out, it will be in print. Go ahead. I'll wait.) the passing of the greatest greeting card company ever, Squibnocket Cards. It was the card of choice here at QOTD, and we would distribute them for any occasion that called for a card (um, birthdays). Our favorite gift store, Paper Skyscraper (PLUG!) here in Charlotte used to carry them. I've always believed in the omnipotence of the internet, but apparently it's too much to ask to find an image of the love card that starts, "Here I am, rock me like a hurricane is just my way of saying we should probably go out sometime." It goes on to be even more awesome. Since I can't find that one, this one will have to do. Consider it your reward for a job well done:

Now that Squibnocket is out of business, I guess it's back to Garfield cards for us. I hear he hates Mondays, but loves lasagna! Comedy gold!

Anyway, onto today's quote, from the early standup of one of our favorites, Norm MacDonald:

"I used to be in good shape, when I was younger. Ah man, I looked good back then. You should've seen me back when I was like...one. That's when I looked good. One. Oh man, I was young and fresh. I could show you pictures of me from back then, and you wouldn't recognize me. I've gone to hell. Hell in a handbasket as my great uncle would say. I even looked good for my age then. People would come up to me and say, 'What are you, zero?' And I'd say, no, 'I'm one over here.' And they'd say, 'You don't look a day over zero.' And I'd say, 'No, I must insist, I'm one.'"

we're back (but for how long)

2009-09-22T10:45:00.003-04:00

If there's one thing you can say about the QOTD Bureau (or, as we're known in some circles, the QOTWWFLI - Quote of Whenever We Feel Like It - Bureau), it's that we NEVER go more than 242 days without updating. NEVER.

So here we are again. Fall is once again upon us. OUR St. Louis Cardinals could become the first baseball team to clinch a playoff spot in the next couple of days. Indiana Hoosiers football is a front-runner for the BCS national title after their impeccable 3-0 start with victories over powerhouses Eastern Kentucky, Western Michigan, and the Akron Zips (on the road!). Next up for the Hoosiers, the Texas State Fightin' Armadillos with cagey veteran quarterback Paul Blake.

Is there literally nothing Sinbad can't do?

As many of our loyal reader(s) know, this has not been a banner year at QOTD Headquarters, for several reasons that we shan't go into now. But one of the constants that's kept us sane are some excellent youtube videos (insert hack joke about how we remember MTV when it played videos here. then make current by inserting Kanye West reference. now proceed.) One of our favorites is an early Rilo Kiley song featuring the very hot Jenny Lewis (we at QOTD love gingers. Um, and brunettes. And blondes. But especially gingers!) called The Frug:

In this song, she refers to being able to do The Freddie. If you're young enough to operate the internets, you probably have never heard of Freddie and the Dreamers. If you have, you might remember their one sizable hit, "I'm Telling You Now." Now watch this video of them performing this song (and the dance The Freddie) and remember to use this as a rebuttal whenever any older-type person tries to argue that today's popular music is ridiculous. (QOTD note: today's popular music is ridiculous. but still.)

Warning: Do not attempt to drink or eat while watching this video. QOTD is not responsible for any choking due to extreme lameness contained within.

And finally, for today's quote, in honor of all the abuse we took during our 8 month hiatus (yes, Jim, we're looking at you), from Season 2 of Flight of the Conchords:

"I make a meal for my friends
Try to make it delicious
Try to keep it nutritious
Create wonderful dishes
Not one of them thinks about the way I feel
Nobody compliments the meal

I got hurt feelings, I got hurt feelings
I feel like a prize a**hole
No one even mentions my casserole
I got hurt feelings, I got hurt feelings"

Maybe we'll be back with more this week. Or maybe you should look for an update around Memorial Day 2010.

Ha'ina 'ia mai ana ka puana (Video Post Friday)

2009-01-23T09:17:00.006-05:00

Today we're all over the place, but there is one common thread - we were lazy and are mostly just posting videos. It's two days in a row for the Not-Safe-for-Work QOTD postings. Well, only one of the videos below is not-safe-for-work, but it's so good that your boss will likely promote you if you watch it at work.

The aforementioned NSFW clip, a trailer for the upcoming Black Dynamite movie. We'll give you a second to digest its excellence:

Oh, look. It's a question from the audience. Question: Will the entire QOTD bureau be seeing this movie on opening night? Answer: Yes--we're actually typing this from a line in front of a movie theater waiting for its release. In fact, we might not have been this excited for a movie since Snakes on a Plane. And you all remember how well that movie turned out. Just as a reminder, a little Cobra Starship for your Friday:

We're getting a second Pink Panther movie where Steve Martin is an extremely pale imitation of Peter Sellers, but we're not getting a second Sam Jackson-fights-creatures-on-a-mode-of-transport movie? What is Hollywood thinking?
Our favorite movie clip of the week comes from FishRockIt.com where a guy got his female friend to describe the plot of the original Star Wars trilogy (before George Lucas went insane) and then he animated her description. It's very funny:

Star Wars: Retold (by someone who hasn't seen it) from Joe Nicolosi on Vimeo.

Finally, for those people suffering through some winter cold, a little island gem from Warren Zevon (patron saint of QOTD), and his song "Hula Hula Boys", today's quote:

Yesterday she went to see
The Polynesian band
But she came home with her hair all wet
And her clothes all filled with sand
I didn't have to come to Maui
To be treated like a jerk
How do you think I feel
When I see the bellboys smirk?
And I can hear their ukuleles playing
Down by the sea
She's gone with the hula hula boys
She don't care about me
They're singing,
Ha'ina 'ia mai ana ka puana(translation: "sing the chorus", or "get to the point")

And now, a clip of Warren singing this song live in 1990 (sound only - unrelated pictures...):

Hail to the Chief (Resident)!

2009-01-22T16:59:00.004-05:00

We've fallen down on the job again. Although at least we're blogging a mere 6 days after our last post. It's amazing how much guilt goes with running a free Quote of "the Day" blog that has like three readers. Anyway, speaking of guilt, we should note that we forgot to mention one show whose return has also fired up the QOTD Bureau.

Scrubs

Now in its 8th season, Scrubs seems to have found a rebirth after its move from NBC to ABC, getting back to its more dramatic roots and away from the overly-wacky slapstick trend of the last few seasons. It doesn't hurt that they've brought in some new interns to spice things up, including a couple of former Flight of the Conchords guest stars, Eliza Coupe and Aziz Ansari. Coupe's Denise, a hot, heartless doctor with no bedside manner has been a particular standout. Witness this exchange with George, a dying patient played by the awesome Glynn Turman (Mayor Royce from The Wire:

DENISE: "Mr. Valentine, I’m Dr. Mahoney. My attending really wants me to connect with my patients, so if it’s OK with you, I thought I’d get the ball rolling with a personal story."

GEORGE: "OK. You can call me George."

DENISE: "Awesome. Feelin’ it. So, George, last Friday I’m at a bar. I take this guy home. He’s a little fat. Whatever, right? Plus, chubsters are so grateful, they usually try harder. Anyway, right in the middle of things, he’s sweating and grunting like a hairy rhino and I just start to hate myself. Really, really hate myself… So, without even thinking, I just head butt him right in the face. Bam. Clock him right between the eyes. Knock him out cold. So, that’s what I got. What you got going on?"

Classy. And since I mentioned a politician from The Wire, I totally have a reason to run a conversation between the hilarious Senator Clay Davis and the aforementioned Mayor Royce (not safe for work. Sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeit!)

Anyway, this week's Scrubs episodes were pre-empted for some sort of inaugural ball or something. Really? As if that's news.

But seriously, as with almost every American these days, we here at QOTD certainly wish President Obama the best as he begins to take on some major problems. He certainly arrives with some huge expectations, as he is widely considered the best president since President Wayne Palmer ran on a platform of making America safe from terrorist threats, openness in government dealings, and hats for bats.

If people thought President Obama's choice of Rev. Rick Warren was controversial, you should have heard the outcry when President Palmer brought his JoBu statue to his State of the Union address!

This is how we're comin' for the ought-nine! (courtesy: Paperboy "Ditty")

2009-01-15T13:56:00.008-05:00

Hmmm. Yes. Gone for a month. We were somewhat tired out from all that mustache-growing, and our typing fingers were tired from twirling our mustache, cackling evilly and tying young maidens to train tracks.

Court-room drawing of how QOTD spent its last month

Anyway, we did promise our readers a picture of our mustache on its last day before it fell victim to a rampaging Gillette Fusion razor (both with and without the rest of the Fidel Castro costume):

Don't hate us because we're beautiful.

Lots going on with the favorite TV shows of QOTD, many of which are coming back this week after long layoffs. Sadly, Arrested Development remains dead, but there have been very positive developments on the production of an AD movie. Good times, even if Michael Cera (George Michael Bluth) is being a bit of a Rude Gus about his involvement in the film.

24
Jack Bauer is back fighting terrorists using his three biggest weapons: torture, the ability to whisper-yell, and the ability to rise from the dead (twice and counting in the season's 6 years). And, spoiler alert, you have a good 3 1/2 months before you have to endure the return of his daughter Kim! What's not to like?

Lost
The island done moved, and Michael finally died last year, meaning we won't have to hear him yell, "WALLLLLLLLLLLLLLT!" any more. Nothing really to add here, except that the return of this show is highly anticipated in the QOTD bureau...

Hey WALLLLLLLLLT! Your dad is deader than a parrot nailed to its perch!

Flight of the Conchords

FotC returns to HBO this Sunday night in the aftermath of the Crazy Dogggz worldwide success and band manager Murray splitting time between the two bands. QOTD obtained an advance copy of the premiere episode (um, along with like everyone else) and can tell our faithful readers that it's a standout - the song "Angels" featured over the end credits is a huge winner.

The Conchords sing "Angels". As a bonus, it's a video that doesn't actually show moving pictures!

Friday Night Lights

Now that both Arrested Development and Pushing Daisies are pushing up their own daisies, Friday Night Lights ranks as the best show on network TV that no one seems to watch. It's a fabulous look at life in a small-town Texas town and its beloved high school football team. The relationship between the coach and his wife is a joy to watch, and it also features the hottest cast on TV. If you're into that sort of thing. FNL returns this Friday night on NBC. Watch it.

If this picture wasn't so small, you could tell we weren't lying about that "hottest cast on TV" thing. Alas.

And finally, a plug for an internet-only TV show from Joss Whedon, the creator of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Firefly.

Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog

This was a three-episode show put together during the writers' strike, and is a musical following the travails of wannabe-supervillain Dr. Horrible (Neil Patrick Harris) as he battles smug do-gooder Captain Hammer (Nathan Fillion) in order to gain access to the Evil League of Evil, ruled by Bad Horse, the Thoroughbred of Sin. It's all quite silly, but it has its dramatic moments, and the songs will grow on you till you're singing them all day long. Or that could just be us. Anyway, credit to QOTD Sargeant-at-Arms Javad Khazaeli for sending this our way. We can't recommend it enough. We could embed the video from Hulu, but it'd be too small and crappy to enjoy, so just go to this link to watch it for yourself: Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog on Hulu

For today's long-awaited (ahem) quote of the day, we'll go with the letter Bad Horse sends Dr. Horrible upon his application for entry to the Evil League of Evil:

"Bad Horse, Bad Horse
Bad Horse, Bad Horse
He rides across the nation, the thoroughbred of sin
He got the application that you just sent in
It needs evaluation, so let the games begin
A heinous crime, a show of force
(a murder would be nice of course)

Bad Horse, Bad Horse
Bad Horse, he’s bad
The Evil league of Evil is watching so beware
The grade that you receive’ll be your last, we swear
So make the bad horse gleeful, or he’ll make you his mare
You’re saddled up; there’s no recourse
It’s “hi-ho, silver!”
Signed, Bad Horse."

I'm just talkin' 'bout 'Stache!

2008-12-12T16:58:00.005-05:00

"I'm talkin' bout you, and me, and 'Stache, simultaneous..."

Who's the pasty white guy
who's a sex machine to all the chicks?
'Stache!
You're damn right...

Who is the man
Who would risk his upper lip for his brother man?
'Stache!
Can ya dig it?

Who's the cat who won't cop out
When there's ridicule all about?
'Stache!
Right on

You see, this cat 'Stache is a hairy mutha...
Shut yo' mouth!
But I'm talkin' 'bout 'Stache!
Then we can dig it!

He's a complicated man
But no one understands him like his woman...
'Stache Bash!

Okay, if that doesn't have you fired up for tonight's 'Stache Bash, you're a lost cause. See you tonight - I'll be the guy who looks like Fidel Castro, if Castro had a $5 beard from a costume shop. Pictures tomorrow.

Ladies and Gentlemen, a Magician Named GOB...

2008-12-11T13:57:00.003-05:00

It is indeed the final countdown. Just over 28 hours until the beginning of the 'Stache Bash, our finale party of the Mustache Growing Season, with almost $220,000 raised nationwide. Pretty amazing. And our Charlotte brutes have now jumped to almost $48,000.

In other news, our fightin' Charlotte Bobcats have traded away Jason Richardson and Jared Dudley, leaving us with approximately 1.5 scorers on a team that already couldn't score.

In still other news, I'm thinking about throwing my hat into the ring for Illinois Senator. We here at QOTD Headquarters are surprised that alert reader/QOTD Sargeant-at-Arms Javad Khazaeli hasn't already surfaced as Candidate 6 in the Blagojevich scandal. It's possible all the facts haven't come out yet.

In honor of the Final Countdown, today's QOTD comes from Europe's inane lyrics to the song:

"Oh, We're heading for Venus
and still we stand tall
cause maybe they've seen us
and welcome us all, yeah
with so many light years to go
and things to be found (to be found)
I'm sure that we'll all miss her so
It's the final countdown..."

FINALLY, and most importantly, I'd like to do a quick honor roll for all of the generous folks who have donated to my mustache cause as of 3pm on December 11 (these will be deleted off this blog in a couple of weeks to avoid having this page show up when they are googled for the rest of time):

Jim and Linda Roberts, Dan Cornell, Andy Jackson, Marj Wagner, Katie Doll, Jane Searson, Dr. Will Ballard, Daren and Averie Millstead, Lindsey Gerrity, Sarah Peters, Andrew Crawford, Kevin Doll, Julie Roberts (OFoQOTD), Ellen Wiese Thompson, Josh and Anise Farmer, Katie Engen, Matt and Kelly Sproul, Karl Heinz, Brooke Roetgerman, Amanda Weable, Javad Khazaeli (Candidate 6), Jennifer Vruwink, Meghan Norman, Mariann Witkowski, Carolyn Cox, Amy Clark, Brian Williams, Tim Edmond, John Borgmeyer, Martha Roesler, Tim Coover, Katie Van Hook, Courtney Taylor, Andy Klump, Kerry Feld, Kate Gauthier, my mother and father, Amy Burgess, Ashley Crawford, Mollie Farrell, Jared Yerg (founder of Beards BeCAUSE, and Tom Searson.

Thank you to all - you have seriously made this mustache campaign worthwhile. I will post a final pic of me dressed as Castro with my 'stache tomorrow.

Another 48 Hrs...

2008-12-10T21:29:00.004-05:00

...is not just the name of an ill-conceived Eddie Murphy/Nick Nolte sequel. That's the amount of time I have left with my mustache this year.

Due to some exceedingly generous individuals, my fundraising total has jumped from $1,050 to $1,885 in the past week. We're still hoping to crack the $2,000 mark before the 48 hours pass.

Speaking of 48 hours, in 48 hours the 'Stache Bash will be in full swing, with many of the mustache growers in costume click to see last year's. I'm not looking to win any awards, so I've decided to go as Fidel Castro this year, primarily because I already own most of the costume, with the exception of the cigars (I'm pretty sure Castro smokes Swisher Sweets, right?). Come by Connolly's on 5th on Friday night to join us. $10 entry (all money goes to the charity) gets some free food and beer specials.

MMMmmmm...cherry flavor!!

Speaking of Cuba (this is a Keith Hernandez-level stretch), today's QOTD:

"I miss you more then Michael Bay missed the mark
When he made Pearl Harbor
I miss you more than that movie missed the point
And that's an awful lot girl
And now, now you've gone away
And all I'm trying to say is
Pearl Harbor sucked, and I miss you

I need you like Ben Affleck needs acting school
He was terrible in that film
I need you like Cuba Gooding needed a bigger part
He's way better than Ben Affleck
And now all I can think about is your smile
and that sh*tty movie too
Pearl Harbor sucked and I miss you

Why does Michael Bay get to keep on making movies?"

--Lyrics from "Pearl Harbor", a song from Team America: World Police

FOUR MORE YEARS, er days...

2008-12-08T13:02:00.004-05:00

Four more days till I can shave this small, mammal-looking thing off the top of my lip. I'm certainly happy about that, but the OFoQOTD is REALLY happy about it. She rarely lets on, even going so far as to claim she likes the mustache. She's convincing enough that she probably should have testified on behalf of the Detroit auto companies in front of Congress.

In boxing news, Oscar de la Hoya was soundly defeated by the younger, smaller Manny Pacquiao on Saturday night. Pacquiao's domination was hard to believe, but it's even worse if you see the clips:

If only Apollo Creed had Doc Louis in his corner instead of Rocky, he'd never have died against Ivan "Death from Above" Drago.

And now for today's mustache moment, speaking of boxing, one of the earliest known boxing champions was John L. Sullivan, who sported a bad-ass handlebar mustache. He won some 450 fights in his career, including many of the bare-knuckle variety. That didn't stop the doubters, as Sullivan noted in 1905:

"'Your hands are too big; you'll never make a boxer,' was one of the bits of discouragement passed to me when I was beginning to attract notice as a puncher."

One of his most-celebrated fights was his bare-knuckle bout against Jake Kilrain. Although times looked bad for Sullivan when he vomited in his corner in the 44th round, he recovered enough to force Kilrain's manager to throw in the towel after the 75th round. (Rounds were not the standard 3 minutes - they ended whenever a fighter fell or was knocked down - but the fight still lasted well over 2 hours. Mustached guys are apparently tough-asses.)

For a final note that combines mustaches, boxing, Punch-Out and fundraising (of a sort), try this movie:

Remember, only four days till the 'Stache Bash this Friday night at Connolly's. Please come out to support the cause - and take the last chance to see my very own Von Kaiser-style 'Stache before it dies a dignified death...

The facts are these: (or, it's just 174 hours till I can shave this thing off)

2008-12-05T17:29:00.007-05:00

Our blog title today pays homage to QOTD's favorite dead show walking, Pushing Daisies, which will soon follow in the footsteps of Arrested Development, Veronica Mars, Deadwood, Freaks & Geeks and Thunder in Paradise as QOTD favorite shows that died too early.

Speaking of things that are ending, our brothers-in-facial-hair-fundraising, Beards BeCAUSE are having their finale party tonight. My mustache, my lady and I will all be making an appearance to support them in their second extremely successful season. They are growing beards to benefit the United Family Services Shelter for battered women. There are so many hairy-faced men walking around Charlotte these days that Sasquatch reports have risen 400% in the last year.

A typical scene from a Charlotte city park.

Speaking of mustaches and parties, Jonathan Quayle Higgins III, aka Higgins (John Hillerman) in Magnum, P.I. has some wonderful advice for people going out this evening:

"Don't ruin my whiskey with Ice! I'm not a bloody American!"

Oahu Senior Prom picture, circa 1984.

Mustache Checkpoint #3 and quote of the day (December 4, 2008)

2008-12-04T23:51:00.005-05:00

Mustaches for Kids checkpoint #3 has just ended and the Guinness retention contest was won by someone other than your QOTD correspondent. This less-than-scientific competition apparently did not give style points for bad cop sunglasses, or we would've taken home the crown.

A picture from last year's Checkpoint #3, showing QOTD head correspondent in the sweet pink floral shirt ($3 at Salvation Army) along with the Wispy Tickler, who couldn't be bothered to dress up this year. He probably should respect my authoritah.

We're now down to only one week of mustache growth before next Friday's 'Stache Bash at Connolly's in Uptown Charlotte. We are approaching the $32,000 mark locally, and nationally are coming closer to $150,000!! Pretty awesome for a bunch of guys who are just neglecting basic grooming for a month.

Yesterday, we discussed Sean Avery and his classless comments about ex-girlfriend Elisha Cuthbert. Apparently his bad behavior doesn't end there, as you can read about his run-in with a 59-year old female fan of the Nashville Predators. He is 0% Gallant and 100% Goofus.

So, for today's mustache quote, we go to an old English proverb.

"A man without a mustache is like a cup of tea without sugar."

To translate that to Ah-mur-i-can:

"A man without a mustache is like a 40-ounce without a paper bag."

Now THIS is the kind of Old English proverb we can get on board with.

quote of the day (December 3, 2008)

2008-12-03T17:43:00.006-05:00

Well, nothing like staying on a roll. In larger terms, this is 2 posts in 21 days (a Buddy Biancalana-like .095 posting average). However, we're very streaky at QOTD. This is 2 posts in 2 days, for a Pujols-like 1.000 average.

Today we'll be lighter on the mustache stuff, although we will have our Mustache Moment in a bit.

First of all, you might have heard about Dallas Stars (NHL) agitator Sean Avery's suspension-inducing brilliant commentary about his ex-girlfriend Elisha Cuthbert, who is currently dating the Calgary Flames' Dion Phaneuf. This gives us an excuse to put a picture up of the lovely Ms. Cuthbert:

She is quite easy on the eyes, but not for fans of 24, who have suffered through her performance as Kim Bauer, Jack's dopey daughter. From today's Pardon the Interruption, QOTD favorite Tony Kornheiser had some comments about her character from 24, even mentioning her famous encounter with a mountain lion:

"She was kidnapped 3 times in 24 hours. Yes. 3 times in 24 hours! Anyone who watched 24 in the first season was rooting for the mountain lion to eat her."

(QOTD note: the mountain lion attack happened in season 2. but we were still rooting for the lion)

Washington Post writer Hank Steuver had more fun with this article about Kim's stupidity. Definitely worth a read.

Now for today's Mustache Moment:

Brad Pitt was quoted this week as wanting to bring back the mustache: "That's my goal. I don’t think 'staches are respected enough. It's political. It’s a political statement."

If two winners of People Magazine's Sexiest Man Alive have mustaches, why do I still get laughed at when I walk into a Quizno's with my shaggy 'stache?

Second-to-last Mustaches for Kids checkpoint tomorrow night (Thursday) at Angry Ale's Bar & Grill. $5 gets you free Bud Light drafts until the keg is dry after 7pm, with all money going to the charity. Hope to see you there!

soooo...a lot's happened in the three weeks since we last saw each other...

2008-12-02T10:55:00.006-05:00

Bad correspondent! BAD!

So, in the three weeks since we last posted a Quote of the "Day", a lot has happened:

1) Your correspondent has started growing another mustache to help benefit public school projects in Charlotte and St. Louis. So far, its shabby appearance has helped it raise $1,157, good for 7th among the 110+ Charlotte growers.

2) Because of the questionable look of my half-grown 'stache, I have taken to wearing a Michael Jackson-style face mask to keep people's prying eyes off my face. I've also taken to dangling babies off balconies. But that's just for fun.

I tell people it's to protect me from SARS.

3) The local ABC affiliate was so impressed by my burgeoning bristles that they interviewed me 10 days back.

4) The Wispy Tickler finally updated his blog with tales of his mustache. QOTD may be a sham (but not a Sham-Wow), but we are much better to our many fans than the Wispy Tickler, who updates his blog on the HBO Sopranos schedule - about every 18 months.

OHHHhhhh--there he is! Look here, Ton', an actual post. Pass the onion rings.

We have about another 10 days of this junk to go, and we're in a tight race with NYC to see which chapter raises the most money. Currently NY has about a $1,500 lead over our $25,500. If you'd like to donate, go to my giving page and pick a project that sounds interesting. We'll take any amount - every dollar counts. And now, for a bit of inspiration, today's QOTD, from mustachioed failed actor/analrapist (that's a combination analyst + therapist, thank you very much) Tobias Funke:

"I'm afraid I just blue myself."

And one more inspirational moment, from 2007 and Mustache Inspiration Adam Morrison:

quote of the day (November 10, 2008): the Brunching Shuttlecocks tribute

2008-11-10T14:11:00.007-05:00

Another classic from the Brunching Shuttlecocks...

A quick post today in tribute to the late, great Brunching Shuttlecocks website - which shut down 5 years ago. First off, a belated Halloween adventure: Choose Your Own Serial Murder gives you the chance to play a Scream-like character bent on killing a semi-nude teenager. It's very funny, takes only minutes to play, and is completely text-based - safe for work.

Another excellent page, but less safe for work, is the quiz Porn Star or My Little Pony?, where you have to guess whether the names listed are adult film stars or the names of My Little Pony. Feel free to comment below with your score. For reference, we here at QOTD scored a reprehensible 4 out of 12. We know our educated audience can do better.

Finally, the site was best known for its ratings, where they would give A through F ratings to a vast array of different items, things as varied as breakfast cereals, Three's Company characters, and card games. Today's quote comes from their ratings on He-Man characters:

He-Man
An incredibly muscular blond guy in a breechcloth and a page boy. On this planet he'd be stripping for tips in North Beach, but on Eternia he fights deformed animal guys and delivers homilies on the value of cooperation. Location, location, location. My real difficulty with He-Man is that his secret identity -- "Prince Adam," which is a porn name if I ever heard one -- was nothing more than a change of outfit and a whiny voice. He didn't even bother with the Clark Kent eyeglass move, for God's sake. C-

Man-at-Arms
One of the neighborhood kids -- when I was young and actually playing with action figures, as opposed to just having them -- was convinced that the name "Man-At-Arms" was composed of the first name "Man-At" and the last name "Arms." As if he was the child of Hank and Brenda Arms, an art-loving couple who tried to name their son after Manet but missed by a vowel. Still, considering that the character's real first name was "Duncan," my friend's delusion was a marked improvement. B

Stinkor
You have to admire the design chutzpah that went into creating this molded plastic marriage of action-packed fun and unpleasant odor. When you make something like this, you're hoping that kids will be so enamored of the very awfulness of it that they will overcome a parent's natural reluctance to spend seven bucks on something where the main selling point is "smells bad." Apparently the gamble paid off, though, because it seemed like half the kids on my block had one of these guys. B

Finally, speaking of The Masters of the Universe, a movie that displays Prince Adam's true nature, if you are patient enough to watch it and absorb its excellence:

quote of the day (November 6, 2008)

2008-11-06T15:51:00.004-05:00

Well, a lot can happen in two days since we last posted. We have a new president-elect, as Barack Obama will become the first African-American president ever. Quite a feat. Sean Connery has a message for the future President of the United States.

In other news, last night was the Mustaches for Kids Charlotte information session - we're currently sitting at 51 growers with only 6 days till the kickoff, er, shaving day. Last year, we had 82 growers, so we're hoping to find some additional brave souls willing to fuzz up their upper lip for the next month to raise money for DonorsChoose.org. It's good times and you'll never remember how stupid you looked. Except for all the pictures documenting it:

Speaking of mustaches, today's quote is from Legendary Mustached American Burt Reynolds:

"There are three stages of an actor`s career. Young, old, and "You look good".

Suffice it to say, when you have a one-week old mustache, you won't look good. But you will be doing something good for the world. So if you're in Charlotte (or in one of these other cities, sign up and grow. It's only 4 weeks - but the projects will make a huge difference in schoolchildren's lives. Word!

quote of the day (Election Day 2008)

2008-11-04T12:17:00.003-05:00

In case you weren't sure, today is Election Day here in the good ol' USA, and rather than say anything about this election - since everybody is undoubtedly sick of hearing about it. Just remember when you're voting to elect a leader who's not afraid to make a mistake.

There's still to write in George Oscar Bluth on your ballot!

In addition to the bold leadership of GOB's presidency, sometimes it also helps to remember our history and how it shapes events of today. Author/humorist Dave Barry shows how the USA's intervention in other countries' affairs is a long-standing tradition.

"The first major president to be elected after the War of 1812 was President Monroe Doctrine, who became famous by developing the policy for which he is named. This policy, which is still in effect today, states that:
(1)Other nations are not allowed to mess around with the internal affairs of nations in this hemisphere.
(2)But we are.
(3)Ha-ha-ha."

Dave Barry, in his book Dave Barry Slept Here: A Sort of History of the United States

Finally, if you decide there's no candidate you prefer for ANY office, feel free to follow QOTD's lead by writing in Bill Pullman (or alternatively, Thomas Whitmore, Pullman's character in Independence Day) for every position on the ballot, including coroner and dog catcher.

quote of the day (Halloween 2008)

2008-10-31T11:19:00.002-04:00

It's another Halloween, time for boys to dress up as something allegedly funny or ironic, and girls to dress up as something super-slutty. And for everyone to eat lots of razor blade-infested candy. Good times.

If you're having some trouble deciding on what to be for your Halloween party, let's let the kids from South Park lead the way:

QOTD does not endorse dressing up like Hitler. Or growing Hitler mustaches. That's outlawed by the Mustaches for Kids bylaws. We also do not endorse dressing up like Raggedy Andy, unless you want all the local Chewbaccas to kick your ass.

So, for your "enjoyment", a couple Halloween quotes:

"This Halloween the most popular mask is the Arnold Schwarzenegger mask. And the best part? With a mouth full of candy you will sound just like him."
--Conan O'Brien

"There are three things I have learned never to discuss with people: religion, politics and the Great Pumpkin."
--Linus Van Pelt in It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown

And now, for our costume judging, back to South Park, season one, "Pink Eye":

quote of the day (October 30, 2008)

2008-10-30T17:03:00.002-04:00

Okay - so it's been more than a week. And we have lots to report on. The election is coming up. Another Mustaches for Kids drive is only 2 weeks away! The OGoQOTD became the OFoQOTD (Official Fiance of QOTD) when she put the One Ring on her finger in San Francisco. Luckily she has absolutely nothing in common with Frodo (other than the fact that Frodo hung out with one of The Goonies and The Goonies is the OFoQOTD's favorite movie). But she still chose to disregard this sensible piece of advice from QOTD's boys, The Flight of the Conchords:

Speaking of Flight of the Conchords, whenever we get angry, we like to angry dance like Bret. But honestly, as funny as that scene was, it's no funnier than Kevin Bacon's original serious angry dance from Footloose:

Nothing gets me wanting to angry dance more than John Lithgow.

So, in honor of all of the above, from Flight of the Conchords, which ties it all together, even Murray the Mustache (since mustached men tend to have more threesomes than the general population - it's a fact. Just ask John Hodgman!):

Jemaine: You don't even know anything about threesomes.
Bret: Have you ever had a threesome?
Jemaine: Nearly.
Bret: What do you mean, nearly?
Jemaine: I've had a twosome.
Bret: Wow. What was that like?
Jemaine: Great. I've done it several times, man.
Bret: Just one of you here... and then one.. Oh well then, I've had a twosome!

QOTD on Strike!

2008-10-22T13:45:00.004-04:00

Not really. We're just away from our computer on our West Coast tour for the next week or so.

But we'll be back to quoting the hell right out of you when we return.

In case you're interested in what QOTD will be up to when we visit the San Francisco area, this clip should get you up to speed:

CUT. IT. OUT, indeed.

it quotes from something when it's told, or else it gets the hose again (October 16, 2008)

2008-10-16T09:40:00.008-04:00

What are you, about a size 14?

Despite the fact that we at QOTD are basically lovable, swell guys who are known to shower at least bi-weekly, we sometimes have disagreements with our many fans. Sometimes these disagreements can be vehement (e.g. someone says Entourage is funnier than Arrested Development - note, this is only a fictional example. No such person exists.) and sometimes these disagreements can be minor (e.g. someone thinks Joe Don Baker's work in Mitchell is excellent, but I think Joe Don Baker's work in Mitchell makes him the Olivier of our time.).

One example of a major disagreement that comes up surprisingly often in my life is a difference of opinion between the Official Girlfriend of QOTD (OGoQOTD) and me over Silence of the Lambs character Jame Gumb (better known as Buffalo Bill).

This is a true photo of OGoQOTD reacting to my joy while thinking about Mr. Gumb's absurd antics:

Sure, it's true that he's a serial killer. That's generally not cool. And it's also true that he would throw his victims down a well, starve them and then kill them so he could make a skin suit for himself. This is also behavior that is frowned upon by polite society.

However, despite these character flaws, he also has these wonderful traits**:

--tucks his junk between his legs and dances around in a kimono
--has a little yappy dog he calls Precious
--talks in a ludicrously low, creaky voice
--uses some of the most ridiculous lines ever, including his fabulous "lotion in the basket" routine

Suffice it to say, if you can do a passable imitation of the character while saying any of these lines, know that you'll get a huge laugh from the QOTD bureau. (You just might get punched in the throat by OGoQOTD)

"It rubs the lotion on its skin, or else it gets the hose again."

"Don't you hurt my dog!"

"It places the lotion in the basket. PUT THE F---ING LOTION IN THE BASKET!!"

Anyway, alert reader Mike Bufkin sent the following song to our attention. The song is called "Lotion" (hmmm, guess what it's about?), and it's the brilliant work of a Chicago-based band called The Greenskeepers. Amazingly, it appeared in an episode of Grey's Anatomy, which makes us want to take back everything bad we've ever said about that show (even though we've never seen it). It is NOT safe for work. But it is very funny. If you're the sort of person who giggles when Jame Gumb appears on screen, that is.

Amy Winehouse wins multiple Grammy Awards, and this doesn't even get nominated? Conspiracy!!

**QOTD in no way endorses any of Jame Gumb's behaviors in the real world. Although if you want to name your dog Precious and dance around in a kimono, feel free. Just don't invite us to your parties.

quote of the day (October 15)

2008-10-15T11:54:00.006-04:00

Though the bad news has seemed to slow down a bit this week, times are still bad out there. And with the final presidential debate scheduled for tonight, maybe the American people are in need of some tough love. If only Al Swearengen was running for president. (Al Swearengen (Ian McShane) = the murderous saloon owner from HBO's Deadwood, back when HBO had shows worth watching)

Al's pep talk to the newspaper man A.W. Merrick (Jeffrey Jones):

"Pain or damage don’t end the world, or despair or f***ing beatings. The world ends when you’re dead. Until then, you got more punishment in store. Stand it like a man — and give some back."

Showtime has its own great tv series, Dexter, which they have been kind enough not to kill. If police forensics expert/serial killer Dexter Morgan were running for president against Mr. Swearengen, he'd opt for the Bill Clinton-style of "feeling your pain":

"If I had a heart, it would probably be breaking right now."

Swearengen vs Dexter. If only tonight's debate would be more like this, I'd be a lot more excited about watching.

If only tonight's debate would be this fun.

quote of the day (October 14, 2008)

2008-10-14T16:24:00.002-04:00

While most of the QOTD audience is either familiar with or a big fan of the US version of The Office, not many have seen the original UK version. The original was probably funnier, but definitely tougher to watch. Unlike Steve Carell's gentler, good-natured Michael Scott, the British Office was led by Ricky Gervais' insincere, aggressively stupid David Brent.

During one scene in the series' second episode, Brent (Gervais) and the Assistant to the Regional Manager, bug-eyed Gareth Keenan (Mackenzie Crook) have a brilliant conversation about sexual harassment, brought about by doing "research" on XXX websites:

David: "Look at this - Dutch girls must be punished for having big boobs. Now you do not punish someone, Dutch or otherwise for having big boobs.

Gareth: "If anything they should be rewarded."

David: "They should be equal."

Gareth: "Women are equal."

David: "I've always said that."

David Brent and Gareth Keenan, fighting every day to make the workplace safe for women everywhere!

And, in another great aside, receptionist Dawn (Lucy Davis) talks about her engagement to warehouse worker Lee (Joel Beckett):

"He proposed on a Valentine's day, although he didn't do it face to face, he did it in one of the little Valentine bits in the paper. I think he had to pay for it by the word, because it just said 'Lee love Dawn, marriage?' which you know, I like, because it's not often you get to something that's both romantic and thrifty."

During a training workshop at the office, David Brent sings his hit song "Free Love Freeway"

quote of the day (October 13, 2008)

2008-10-13T13:36:00.005-04:00

Well, NASCAR week here at QOTD was a pretty big fizzle, huh? Two quotes in five days? Pretty weak, even by QOTD's lax standards. But most of our readership probably doesn't give a damn about racin', so really we were just doing you a favor.

You're welcome.

In sad recent news that everyone has already heard, the great actor and philanthropist Paul Newman passed away on September 26. While many will remember his on-screen roles in classics such as Cool Hand Luke, The Sting and Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid, our favorite role was when he showed his harder edge as minor league hockey player/coach Reg Dunlop in 1977's Slap Shot.

As the hockey season has just begun, it seems like a good time to use Slap Shot as today's quote. And if you haven't seen it, buy or rent a hockey stick, and cross-check yourself in the face. Once you've regained consciousness, go watch the movie.

Here's the opening scene (don't worry - no spoilers!) which should be a good intro to both the movie and the world of hockey penalties for our southern readers:

In a later scene, Dunlop (Newman) discusses the Charlestown Chiefs' newest acquisitions, the Hanson Brothers (pictured below) with the team's owner, Joe McGrath (Strother Martin):

[after meeting the Hansons]
Dunlop: "Oh you cheap son of a bitch. Are you crazy? Those guys are retards!"

McGrath: "I got a good deal on those boys. The scouts said they showed a lot of promise."

Dunlop: "They brought their f***in' TOYS with 'em!" (The Hansons are playing with their slot-car racing set in the hotel)

McGrath: "Well, I'd rather have em playin with their toys than playin with themselves."

Dunlop: "They're too dumb to play with themselves. I've done enough s**twork for today. What did you trade for them, a used puck bag? Boy, every piece of garbage that comes into the market and you gotta buy it!"

McGrath: "Reg, Reg, that reminds me. I was coachin' in Omaha in 1948 and Eddie Shore sends me this guy who was a terrible masturbator, you know, couldn't control himself. Why, he would get deliberate penalties so he could get over in the penalty box all by himself and damned if he wouldn't... you know..."

Two fearsome sets of Hanson brothers.

quote of the day (October 8, 2008)

2008-10-08T22:43:00.004-04:00

Day two (er, three) of NASCAR week here at QOTD, all gearing up for the ultra-prestigious Dollar General 300 in the NASCAR Nationwide series this Friday night. Where QOTD (and its closest friends) will be in attendance, because it's cheaper and shorter than the real race on Saturday. That's the sort of dedication QOTD has to auto racing here in Charlotte (future home of the NASCAR Hall of Fame). It's hard to overstate the excitement at one of these races, but I think this clip might give you an idea:

She's more into the rubbin' than the racin'.

For today's quote, we're going to go to the 1975 brilliantly low-brow satire Death Race 2000. In this movie, a totalitarian government has taken over the United States, and pacifies the public with a brutal cross-country car race where competitors get points for running over civilians, with bonuses for babies and the elderly. Including such campy actors as Sylvester Stallone and David Carradine, the movie is ridiculous horror-style fun. Apparently much better than the watered down version that appeared in theatres this past summer (but only for a couple of weeks - I'm sure you can catch it on DVD soon).

Billy leans on his piano and contemplates what a talented Death Race competitor he would have been...

So during the race, some doctors set a bunch of elderly patients out in the middle of the street to be mowed down by the drivers during what they call "Euthanasia Day". Driver Frankenstein (Carradine) aims for the doctors instead, and the jovial commentators give their opinions:

Junior: "Frankenstein scores! Frankenstein scores at last! But what kind of a score, boys and girls? Just 80 points out a possible big 700. What do you think, Gracie?"

Grace Pander: "Well, those doctors - dear friends of mine - have been pretty smug all these years setting up the old folks. Frankenstein must have decided it was their turn."

Harold: "Which only goes to show that even the fearsome Frankenstein has a one-hundred-percent, red-blooded American sense of humor, heh heh."

quote of the day (October 6, 2008): NASCAR week begins!

2008-10-06T15:58:00.009-04:00

Exciting days here in the greater Charlotte area, as NASCAR roars back into town this weekend. Although the October race has a significant decrease in fanfare and festivities from the more popular Memorial Day Coca-Cola 600, it's still a lot of fun. Especially the fact that you can bring coolers into the stands. With beer! What a wonderful country.

The mountains win again. Your hangover? A distant third.

Even MORE fun for those of us in the quotation game are the many dubious auto racing movies that we'll be able to quote this week, building up to the weekend's race.

From the most obvious NASCAR-related movie, 1990's Days of Thunder, Cole Trickle (Tom Cruise), new NASCAR driver and Dick Trickle's illegitimate son, discusses race strategy with his crew chief Harry Hogge (Robert Duvall):

Harry: "Cole, you're wandering all over the track!"
Cole: "Yeah, well this son of a bitch just slammed into me."
Harry: "No, no, he didn't slam you, he didn't bump you, he didn't nudge you... he rubbed you. And rubbin', son, is racin'."

Ryan Newman, consider yourself rubbed. (Ryan Newman = favorite driver of the J-Dawg, the official girlfriend of QOTD)

quote of the day (October 3)

2008-10-03T12:16:00.004-04:00

It's an odds-and-ends kind of Friday. So rather than going for some sort of unifying theme for today's quote(s), I'm going to go ahead and just pick a few that made me laugh, and not worry about tying them together. (QOTD Readers (in unison): Wait, these things usually are supposed to have a theme?)

We'll start with some nerdy humor, and then move to the broader stuff later. Richard Loeb was a famous 1920's criminal (along with his partner Nathan Leopold, Jr) who was imprisoned for kidnapping and killing a 14 year old boy for the fun of it. He was also known to be exceptionally intelligent, proven by his being the youngest graduate in the history of the University of Michigan. So when Loeb was himself killed in prison, allegedly in retaliation for coming onto a fellow prisoner, Chicago Daily News newspaperman Ed Lahey wrote this beautiful lede:

"Richard Loeb, despite his erudition, today ended his sentence with a proposition."

Ah...nothing like a little newspaper grammar humor for you. But before we get to another quote, it's a song that will stick in your head for the rest of the weekend. Thank me on Monday:

Now for a quote with a bit more mass appeal from the From the decidedly NOT safe for work gossip blog What Would Tyler Durden Do?, the blog's author has some commentary on a recent stunt by the painfully tedious Madonna:

"Someone put some pictures from the Madonna concert last night in Los Angeles on their live journal page, and here are a few of the pictures on Madonna being "crucified" during the show while wearing a crown of thorns. The problem of course is that I'm so uptight, and her shocking "in your face" attitude is too much for me and the other stuffy blue bloods at the yacht club to handle. That's the only possible reason to not love stuff like this. In fact, when I first heard, my monocle popped from eye and fell into my champagne glass and I fainted on one of the peacocks."

This reminds us of the classic Onion article "Marilyn Manson Now Going Door-to-Door Trying to Shock People" It's really sad that the genius who once starred in brilliant films like Body of Evidence is reduced to cheap publicity stunts that no one in the world could possibly care about.

quote of the day (October 2, 2008)

2008-10-02T16:07:00.004-04:00

With the nation anxiously awaiting the Vice Presidential debate (coming at you from the Official Birthplace of QOTD--St. Louis, Missouri), we figured we'd run a few quotes by some of the funnier writers/performers on each side of the political spectrum.

St. Louis' famous Gateway Arch, in a photo taken from across the river in East St. Louis, right before the photographer was robbed and beaten to death

First, on the right, more of a Libertarian than a Republican, P.J. O'Rourke:

From his 2004 book, Peace Kills: America's Fun New Imperialism:

"Wherever there's injustice, oppression, and suffering, America will show up six months late and bomb the country next to where it's happening."

and, from his 1996 treatise, Why I am a Conservative:

"There is no virtue in compulsory government charity, and there is no virtue in advocating it. A politician who portrays himself as caring and sensitive because he wants to expand the government's charitable programs is merely saying that he is willing to do good with other people's money. Well, who isn't? And a voter who takes pride in supporting such programs is telling us that he will do good with his own money— if a gun is held to his head."

So, the right heard from, let's try out the left, represented by Daily Show host Jon Stewart:

"President Bush announced his new economic plan. The centerpiece was a proposed repeal of the dividend tax on stocks, a boon that could be worth millions of dollars to average Americans. Well, average stock-owning Americans. Technically, Americans who own a significant amount of shares in dividend-dealing companies. Well, rich people, that's what I'm trying to say. They're going to do really well with this."

And, another Stewart quote that might be relevant tomorrow depending on tonight's debate performances:

“Does anyone know...does the Christian persecution complex have an expiration date? Because...uh...you've all been in charge pretty much since...uh...what was that guys name...Constantine. He converted in, what was it, 312 A.D. I'm just saying, enjoy your success.”

When the debate ends, we can count on NBC Analyst Chuck Todd or Murray, the Conchords band manager to give us his feedback!

quote of the day (October 1, 2008)

2008-10-01T11:42:00.004-04:00

Now that we've addressed our female fanbase with yesterday's quote, we can get back to our usual shenanigans.

In order to distract ourselves from the United States' impending return to the barter system, we have caught several 80's movies that we'd never seen due to our parents' insistence on such things as homework and reading (see, Mom and Dad - all that education paid off! Now I'm writing a blog that no one reads!). As a result, we're just now watching such "classics" as Wildcats, Bloodsport and Teen Wolf (we have still not seen the Jason Bateman star turn in Teen Wolf Too). One thing that can be said about the 80's movie, as a genre, is those bastards really knew how to do a montage.

Now we know where Trey Parker and Matt Stone got their ideas

You'd think after seeing some of these movies, some of our latter-day movie characters might have understood the power of a good montage. For example, in the movie Seven, if Gwyneth Paltrow's character had spent a little less time whining about living in the big bad city and a little more time learning the crane kick from a kindly Asian master while synthesizer music blared in the backgound, I think we all know that something different would've ended up in the box.

Det. Mills: "What's in the bohhhhhhx?" Det. Somerset: "MMmmmm..looks like some delicious cookies!"

Anyway, the montage is indeed a powerful thing. As is this quote from Teen Wolf, one of the aforementioned 80's movies:

"There are three rules that I live by: never get less than twelve hours sleep; never play cards with a guy who has the same first name as a city; and never get involved with a woman with a tattoo of a dagger on her body. Now you stick to that, and everything else is cream cheese."
--basketball coach Bobby Finstock (Jay Tarses) gives Scott Howard (Michael J. Fox) some advice that is useful for all of us

AND...as a bonus, a surprisingly funny quote from the movie's Wikipedia entry on the ending (MAJOR SPOILERS AHEAD - if you're as behind on your 80's movies as we are at QOTD):

"In a dramatic ending set to the tones of musician Mark Safan, Scott is able to rally the team back to within a point as time is expiring. Scott is fouled by Mick on the final play and given two shots. In a clear violation of the rules, Mick is able to stand underneath the basket as Scott attempts his foul shots. Despite having to jump to complete the free throws, Scott makes them both and the Beavers win the game."

quote of the day (September 30, 2008)

2008-09-30T13:54:00.004-04:00

We know that we here at QOTD probably skew male with our postings. Too many sports quotes. Not enough HGTV (or whatever it is you ladies are watching these days). But today, just to prove that we're unafraid of getting in touch with our feminine side, we've got a quote for you from The Devil Wears Prada, where main character Andy Sachs (Anne Hathaway) is having a conversation with her co-worker, Emily (Emily Blunt):

Emily: "Andrea, my God! You look so chic."

Andy: "Oh, thanks. You look so thin."

Emily: "Really? It's for Paris, I'm on this new diet. Well, I don't eat anything and when I feel like I'm about to faint I eat a cube of cheese. I'm just one stomach flu away from my goal weight."

Of course, our motive for quoting that movie MIGHT have been so we could show this picture of the lovely Anne Hathaway, QOTD's favorite female-type celebrity (until any of QOTD's lady readers become famous, because you are, quite frankly, stunning in that outfit!):

And, another show the ladies love is HBO's late, lamented Sex & the City - here's a quote from Season 5:

"People go to casinos for the same reason they go on blind dates: hoping to hit the jackpot. But mostly, you just wind up broke or alone in a bar."
--Carrie Bradshaw (Sarah Jessica Parker) in a voiceover commentary

Though today's post was meant for the ladies, we don't want to scare off the male viewers with pictures of Parker or Kim Catrall (Samantha). Instead, we'll just run with another picture of Ms. Hathaway (who is on Letterman this evening, in case you were wondering):

quote of the day (September 29, 2008): Apocalypse Edition

2008-09-29T16:10:00.005-04:00

Well, as we speak (type), the Dow Jones is down about 6% of its total value, soon we will all be depositing our paychecks into accounts at BANK, the last standing bank in the United States, and apparently Clay Aiken is gay. It's like the world is coming to an end.

With all this uncertainty floating around, you're looking for something to help you make it through another day. Well, geez, man, take it easy. This is a QUOTING blog. What the hell did you think we were going to do for you? Just settle down and watch this video from The Lonely Island:

Okay, now that you're feeling a little better, we'll go back to everyone's problems at work. Scott Adams' daily cartoon strip Dilbert probably is a little too close to your office situation. Luckily, we don't much care, so we're going to do a couple of quotes from there, anyway:

"We can't compete on price. We also can't compete on quality, features or service. That leaves fraud, which I'd like you to call marketing."
--The Pointy-Haired Boss gives some instructions to his department that has also worked for Axe Body Spray.

The red Swingline is doubly practical - it serves as a functional and attractive stapler and its red color hides the blood if you're forced to use it to bludgeon your boss to death (bludgeoning not endorsed by QOTD)

"All great ideas look like bad ideas to people who are losers. It's always good to test a new idea with known losers to make sure they don't like it."
--Dogbert gives you some invaluable advice if you're looking to start your own business...

quote of the day (September 26, 2008)

2008-09-26T15:22:00.003-04:00

Although we at QOTD are mostly known for our silliness, we have a serious side as well. We want our readers to come away having learned something. So, to that end, here's a verbatim transcript of today's entry on QOTD's Freakonomics desk calendar:

"A recent gang murder in San Diego claimed the life of a man named Dom Perignon Champagne. His mother's name is Perfect Engelberger."

As someone who has had his name mistaken for Cristal champagne on multiple occasions, let this be a QOTD Service Announcement: Don't name your children after champagne. They're likely to end up dead. Or running public service announcements on their widely-ignored blog. Thanks for your time.

Now that we've educated our readers, and even given them a little public service announcement, we can get on to our usual stupidity.

From season one of the US version of The Office, Michael Scott (Steve Carell) talks about his basketball game in one of the better surreal pieces of dialogue ever featured on the show:

"Do I have a nickname on the court? The Answer would be good, but that's taken. I think I would be...The Question. 'The Answer dishes to the Question - Question back to the Answer. Answer to the Question. Answer, three points. Question, six points! Question: who's the best player on the team? Answer: The Question!'"

quote of the day (September 25, 2008)

2008-09-25T13:10:00.002-04:00

We did a bowling quote last Thursday to commemorate the start of the fall season for The Official Bowling Team of QOTD (TOBTQ), Business Time. Since we were off traveling to an out-of-town quoting convention, we missed out on our team's 8-0 evening.

But, to get ourselves fired up for tonight's festivities, we've got a couple of other bowling-related quotes from the only TV show ever to feature a combination bowling alley owner/lawyer, NBC's Ed.

From Phil Stubbs (Michael Ian Black, very famous), one of Ed's employees at the bowling alley:

"I never liked kids. They're like small drunk adults."

And, from a scene when Ed (Tom Cavanaugh) is speaking about being a lawyer to the students in the class of teacher Carol Vessey (Julie Bowen):

Carol: "Does anyone have any questions for Mr. Stevens? Warren?"

Warren Cheswick (Justin Long, the annoying Mac guy from the commercials): "Yeah, I was just wondering, umm... when you invite a client over to your office for the first time, and they see that it's, like... in a bowling alley, or whatever... umm... are they ever, like, 'Thanks, but I think I'm gonna find a lawyer whose office is *not* in a bowling alley,' or..."

Ed: "It happens. Sometimes."

And finally, a clip from the show, showing one of Ed's $10 bets with his best friend, Dr. Mike Burton (Josh Holloway) at the bowling alley. A bonus for St. Louis Rams fans in the QOTD reading audience - the song in the background is Todd Rundgren's "Bang the Drum All Day", which used to play at the Dome when the Rams would score touchdowns. We're not sure anyone knows what they play these days, since the Rams haven't scored a touchdown since 2003. Anyway, the clip:

quote of the day (September 24, 2008)

2008-09-24T15:24:00.005-04:00

The QOTD is a non-partisan organization. We will not take a public stand on anything political, unless we're quoting Mayors Quimby or McCheese. An example of just how non-partisan we are: the next time one of you knuckleheads "wittily" suggest that you are moving to a foreign country if your presidential candidate loses, you can expect to be wittily kicked in the junk (guys: testicles. gals: ovaries).

My friend? My friend? You've been kicked in the nuts.

In fact, if you're so anxious to leave, the QOTD Bureau will happily help your drama-queen ass pack up your belongings. Don't get us wrong - we love traveling and living abroad. This is not to denigrate our wonderful international readers, most of whom have accidentally found this website while searching for "Burt Reynolds big hat funny" (ed: other than the blog title, this is the most-common google search that leads people to this site. true story!). But to everyone that thinks it's some kind of threat when they talk about moving overseas, trust us. We probably won't miss you. (ed note #2: clearly we're not referring to you. You are both riotously funny AND stunningly good-looking. But seriously. Enough with the moving business.)

On a happier political note, when alert reader Mike Bufkin pointed out that NBC News' political expert Chuck Todd is a dead ringer for this blog's namesake, Murray Hewitt(Rhys Darby), band manager for Flight of the Conchords, we were stunned that we hadn't already made the connection:

Murray: Hey, Gingerballs? What, are you going to the dick meeting? Chuck: Present.

It would be so great to have Murray at the NBC news-desk talking about how for McCain to win Florida, he'd need a 90-10 fliparound. Or telling David Gregory that if Obama wanted to improve his polling with working class white voters, he should just grow a goatee.

Or Chuck Todd could manage the Conchords and show powerpoint pie charts about their fanbase's song requests.

The possibilities are endless. But our energy is not. So we're going to leave you with a video quote where Murray gets to sing his own song about his lovely tech-support woman:

quote of the day (September 23, 2008)

2008-09-23T14:31:00.002-04:00

As the world's financial systems crumble around us, it's always good to take a few moments to reflect on our individual situations and come up with a personal plan to survive these difficult economic times. Or, better yet, we could just look to the advice of steel magnate Herman Blume (Bill Murray) from the movie Rushmore, when he speaks to the students at the Rushmore Academy:

"You guys have it real easy. I never had it like this where I grew up. But I send my kids here because the fact is you go to one of the best schools in the country: Rushmore. Now, for some of you it doesn't matter. You were born rich and you’re going to stay rich. But here's my advice to the rest of you: Take dead aim on the rich boys. Get them in the crosshairs and take them down. Just remember, they can buy anything but they can't buy backbone. Don't let them forget it. Thank you."

And for good measure, our favorite scene from the movie. "Nice nurse's uniform, guy..."

quote of the day (September 18, 2008)

2008-09-18T11:51:00.003-04:00

Today marks the return of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia on F/X. Aggressively offensive? Yes. Very funny? Also, yes. In today's quote, Dennis (Glenn Howerton) and Charlie (Charlie Day) try to get into a locked door:

Charlie: It's locked! All right, let me try this out.
Dennis: What is that, your apartment key? That's not gonna work!
Charlie: Why not?
Dennis: We're not at your apartment, sh**head!
Charlie: Well how many possible lock combinations can there be?
Dennis: Oh, so many, dude, like hundreds of millions.
Charlie: Well eventually they're gonna overlap--
Dennis: They're not ever gonna--
Charlie: You know what, you're right, it's not working.
Dennis: Oh, no sh**.
Charlie: Well it was worth a try!
Dennis: It was not worth a try.

Community service is fun.

quote of the day (September 17, 2008)

2008-09-17T23:30:00.006-04:00

Sorry for our consistent inconsistency. We've been traveling a lot and waylaid by work (egad!). Sadly, we're off again to Dallas tomorrow, which means that we're going to miss Opening Day for QOTD's own bowling team. As all of you already know, Sundays are for bowling, but for those of us on Business Time, we add Thursday to the mix. In honor of the team:

Conditions are perfect for bowling. And beer.

Anyway, as a random study, given QOTD's start as a mustache chronicle and our impending bowling season, we checked out the PBA bowling homepage (sponsored by Denny's, possibly the greatest match between title sponsor and league of all time) to have a look at the roster of professional bowlers. Out of a possible 58 pictured, only 6 sported a stand-alone 'stache (a hit rate of only 7%). That was mind-blowing to me, I would've bet on at least 25%. In fairness, there were some unfortunate goatees and some very strange looking gentlemen. It's a shame that St. Louis' own Pete Weber changed this sexy look:

Oh well. Essentially all of this was just to say that we're sad we're going to miss opening night. So there you go. On topic, today's quote, from The Big Lebowski, when Maude Lebowski (Julianne Moore) asks The Dude (Jeff Bridges) what he does for recreation:

"Oh, the usual. I bowl. Drive around. The occasional acid flashback."

And, in a youtube clip I initially saw on The Squirrel Slayer, a combination of Wii bowling and The Big Lebowski. Amazingly awesome, but the language is definitely unfriendly for work:

Go Business Time.

quote of the day (September 12, 2008)

2008-09-12T10:25:00.005-04:00

Two things that everyone loves: late 80's/early 90's pop music and math. So when today's quote of the day combines them, it's going to be SO exciting!

Pie charts have been used for years to simplify seemingly complex issues for slow-witted individuals (not like QOTD readers, who are both intelligent and exceedingly attractive!). Well, what follows are two pie charts that can help boil down some very difficult concepts for any reader. As noted philosopher Eric Cartman once said, "get your bitch ass back in the kitchen and make me some pie (charts)":

Now a quote that has nothing to do with the above pie charts. Or with Rick Astley and Meat Loaf. But we need to get this thing done so we can prepare for our NYC trip, so you're just going to have to live with our jumbled thinking, and this made us laugh. Have a good weekend, and all that...

"I don't kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above globes. They freak out and yell, 'Whoa, I'm way too high!'"
-Bruce Baum, comedian

quote of the day (September 11, 2008): QOTD goes back to campus...

2008-09-11T16:11:00.004-04:00

This entire blog is a purposely silly endeavor, so we'll avoid the temptation to be serious about the 7th anniversary of the September 11 attacks. But suffice it to say that we're all remembering those who were lost that day.

Now on to our regularly-scheduled silliness...this was one of the absolute all-time favorites we ran back in the original QOTD incarnation at Indiana University. It's a humorous take on the college admissions essay written by high school student Hugh Gallagher in 1990. It was written for a Scholastic Books humor contest (it won), but apparently he did actually send this to colleges as well:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

3A. ESSAY: IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO KNOW YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTION:

ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.

I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat 400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

But I have not yet gone to college.

"Seven years of college down the drain. Might as well join the f***ing Peace Corps." - the future Senator John Blutarski (John Belushi) in Animal House

quote of the day (September 10, 2008)

2008-09-10T13:35:00.004-04:00

This is this blog's 100th post already. We wish we could have a star-studded musical episode, like many mediocre TV comedies might attempt, but alas, unless we're at karaoke singing Spinal Tap's Big Bottom, we're not much for musical numbers.

Talk about mudflaps, my girl's got 'em!

However, speaking of mediocre comedies, the fifth season of Entourage is back on HBO. This show was funny at one point, but has been painful to watch for at least the last season and a half. Take away Jeremy Piven's frantic agent Ari Gold and his assistant Lloyd (Rex Lee) and you basically have a group of unlikeable douchebags and their uninteresting problems (that all get solved within 30 minutes). Luckily, I got rid of HBO after they lost The Wire, The Sopranos and Deadwood, so I'm never tempted to see if Entourage has ceased sucking.

(ranting is fun.)

So, making another awkward transition, let's remember back to when HBO had truly great shows on its network, like this one:

From HBO's Fraggle Rock, in a quote that could certainly describe today's QOTD:

Mokey Fraggle: "It was rapturous!"
Red Fraggle: "Is "rapturous" the same as "boring"?"
Wembley Fraggle: "I don't think so."
Red Fraggle: "Then she's wrong."

quote of the day (September 9, 2008)

2008-09-08T18:00:00.006-04:00

Not all international signs are quite this self-explanatory.

As most of QOTD's eagle-eyed audience has no doubt already realized, there's a new link at the top of our page. Yes - over there - on the right. Mike Klein, friend and occasional reader of QOTD, is taking the next 9 months to walk the Earth, get in adventures, like Caine in Kung Fu. He is detailing his travels in his new blog Send Money Please. It's certainly worth a visit, if for no other reason to see his (very long) flight itinerary.

All this around the world stuff (and my own exceedingly huge dancing talent) certainly puts us in the mind to post a video from "Where the Hell is Matt?". Matt is a guy who travels around the world having footage of him dancing at various world sites. The original video is a lot of fun, but his most recent one embedded below is even better - with people joining him in his dances at every stop.

Anyway, since we're in a global travel sort of mood, we'll do a couple of quotes from author/humorist Dave Barry's Only Travel Guide You'll Ever Need:

"No matter what destination these (travel) books are talking about, they’ll tell you it’s wonderful: “Even the most demanding traveler is bound to feel a warm glow after only a few days in Chernobyl..."

"The first rule of travel finance is that no matter what is going on elsewhere in the world, the dollar is always getting weaker where you are. By the time you’ve spent a couple of days in a foreign country, the natives will be blowing their noses on the dollar."

quote of the day (September 8, 2008)

2008-09-08T15:43:00.002-04:00

Today's quote was requested by alert reader John Basler, and though he sent it in, we didn't need much prodding. Those who have known us for more than about 3 weeks have had the brilliance of Mystery Science Theater 3000's epic version of Mitchell:

Mitchell's theme song: Keep your eyeeeeeee on the sammich!

Mitchell stars often-fine actor Joe Don Baker as a chubby, abrasive, perplexed and alcoholic cop who sleeps with hookers when he's not out assaulting civilians and being a rule-breaker! In fairness, the actual theatrical movie makes more sense than the MST3K version, which cut out 30 minutes of the film (though not MUCH more sense).

In one action-packed scene, Mitchell shoots a civilian on a golf course, for no discernible reason, and Crow (one of the Mystery Science Theater robots that comment on the action, had this to say:

Crow: "Daryl Gates on his day off."
Crow [as Golf Sportscaster]: "He's landed just short of the green."

We could do many more quotes from this fine piece of entertainment, but we'll save those for a rainy day. And by "rainy day", we mean "a day when we can't be bothered to think up anything else". QOTD - it's FANTASTIC!

Instead, we'll leave you with this Mitchell user review by a guy named Xploitedyouth from Internet Movie Database:

"While this film is undeniably bad, one can't help but respect the filmmakers for trying something new. Movie cops are usually strong, resourceful, quick-thinking and quick-acting. They don't usually play by the rules, but they get the job done. They're usually played by attractive, young, popular actors that people like, and usually get the classiest ladies. Now, take a look at MITCHELL. MITCHELL stars Joe Don Baker as Mitchell, a cop who fits none of the above, "cookie-cutter" prerequisite stereotypes. Mitchell is fat. Mitchell is sloppy. He's an alcoholic. His apartment is filthy and littered with porn. The only woman he can get is a prostitute, and he treats her like a lowly dog. Mitchell is stupid. He's incompetant. The only way he gets any crimes solved is purely by accident, and because the villains in the movie overestimate him. Joe Don Baker is not a hot young actor. He's not popular and he's not good looking. So, kudos to the filmmakers! Way to break down barriers."

quote of the day (September 5, 2008)

2008-09-05T09:34:00.005-04:00

There is a topic in journalism called "burying the lede", whereby a writer begins an article with items of lesser importance while delaying the more interesting pieces of information to later. Since we have the greatest video of all time at the end of today's quote, we could be accused of burying the lede. We prefer to think of it as building to a crescendo.

So let's get the lesser stuff out of the way. From hipster music critic/author Chuck Klosterman, he has a comment on other hipsters that should make alert reader Jane Searson very happy:

"The most wretched people in the world are those who tell you they like every kind of music "except country." People who say that are boorish and pretentious at the same time. All it means is that they've managed to figure out the most rudimentary rule of pop sociology; they know that hipsters gauge the coolness of others by their espoused taste in sound, and they know that hipsters hate modern country music. And they hate it because it speaks to normal people in a tangible, rational manner. Hipsters hate it because they hate Midwesterners, and they hate Southerners, and they hate people with real jobs."

New York gossip blog Gawker.com came up with the ultimate Chuck Klosterman Opinion Generator. Certainly worth looking at if you've ever read his books or essays (click on it to see it more clearly):

Alright. Now onto the headliner. This movie we're linking to is so good, you probably need to sell your car and rent out a movie theater to experience it properly (ahem, propa-ly). It was suggested by infrequent visitor and official mortgage broker of QOTD, Ed Glanz, but we were totally unprepared for its power. Just make sure when you click on it, you give yourself a good 11 minutes to watch. Look for all of the fun athlete cameos during the film (a fun sidenote: how many of them have been accused of or admitted to taking steroids?) and the appearance of Gordon Shumway in the bizarre/unrelated ending to the clip.

The only downside is that the person who posted this clip declined to make it available for embedding - so this will open in a new window. Just be prepared when you click: The greatest 11 minutes of your life

quote of the day (September 4, 2008)

2008-09-04T13:04:00.005-04:00

Two days in a row!! Look out, world!

Denim. It's not just for never-nudes.

Anyway, we realized it's been over two months since we brought you our last Flight of the Conchords quote. And given their recent announcement that their upcoming 10-episode season on HBO will be the end of the show, this seems like as good an excuse as we need to bring you another one.

From one of their live shows, introducing their hip-hop sensation "Hiphopapotamus vs. Rhymenocerous":

"We're Flight of the Conchords, from New Zealand. I dunno if you guys know much about New Zealand, but, uh, a few years ago we invented something we call hip-hop. In 2001. Do you remember when we invented hip-hop that day, with Steve? At the barbecue?"

Band manager Murray (the inspiration for the blog name!) lectures the Conchords about the dangers of New York City after dark...

quote of the week (August 27-September 3)

2008-09-03T11:57:00.008-04:00

We know we've been especially disappointing over the last week. No new quotes or even anything fun to look at. So here's something fun to look at:

For the gentlemen, the lovely Anna Friel, from one of our favorite returning tv shows, ABC's Pushing Daisies:

And now for the ladies, from Arrested Development, the dapper and charming never-nude, Tobias Fünke:

Now that we've provided some eye candy, onto the quotes, which are all over the map.

This quote came to our attention from DC bureau co-chief Brian Williams (pictured below with his winning entry in the Keith Hernandez look-a-like contest - NOTE: this was NOT done for charity - just for the love of the game).

He sent in a quote from the little-noticed acrimonious split between the Chicago Sun-Times and their former sportswriter/grouchy hack Jay Mariotti. Sun-Times editor Michael Cooke had this to say:

"We wish Jay well and will miss him -- not personally, of course -- but in the sense of noticing he is no longer here, at least for a few days."

And then, onto a movie that QOTD heartily recommends for those of you looking to spend the best 81 minutes you'll have all day, the silly but extremely entertaining documentary, Air Guitar Nation, about the World Air Guitar Championships. There is a lot to use from this movie, but the tagline says it best:

"to err is human; to air guitar, divine."

Due to the anti-fun people at NBC Universal, I can't put a clip of Will Arnett's air guitar rendition of the Law & Order theme song here, but instead, I'll include a clip from one of the documentary's stars, Björn Türoque, as he "plays" Black Sabbath in Chicago:

Finally a skill-set that makes me feel pretty good about being able to pass Guitar Hero on Medium

quote of the day (August 26, 2008): pure laziness edition

2008-08-26T15:17:00.004-04:00

We're feeling pretty lazy today. It's raining outside the QOTD Home Office, and we're just not up to coming up with something to quote today. So we'll just use another Dwight Schrute quote (two days in a row? very half-assed.) and then go to Old Faithful, Arrested Development:

"For some reason, there are a lot of yeast infections in this county. Probably because we're down-river from a bread factory."
--Dwight Schrute (Rainn Wilson), Medical Expert/Assistant to the Regional Manager, Dundler-Mifflin Paper Co.

And our lovely trip to Bluthdom:

"Okay, Lindsay, are you forgetting that I was a professional twice over - an analyst and a therapist. The world's first analrapist."
--nevernude Tobias Funke (David Cross) discusses his therapy career with his wife Lindsay (Portia de Rossi)

Tobias' card, long before he became a Blue Man or Phyliddia Featherbottom

quote of the day (August 25, 2008): the idiot edition

2008-08-25T13:37:00.005-04:00

Well, we're without an obvious topic for this week's quotes now that the Olympics have completed. The Democratic National Convention begins today in Denver, but QOTD is non-partisan (non-)entertainment, so we're going to steer away from that one.

Sometimes, when you're upset to back at your crappy job on a Monday, you're bound to wonder how there are so many idiots in the world. Luckily, with advice from Dwight Schrute (Rainn Wilson) from The Office, you can avoiding joining their number:

"Whenever I'm about to do something, I think, 'Would an idiot do that?' And if they would, I do notdo that thing."

Male models: dying in freak gasoline accident? Idiots.

Here's another comment on the idiots of the world, from German writer Johann Wolfgang von Goethe:

"There is nothing worse than aggressive stupidity."

Goethe: not an idiot.

quote of the day(s) (August 21-22, 2008)

2008-08-22T14:17:00.005-04:00

The 2008 Olympics are about to come to an end after two full weeks of excellent competition. By all accounts, the Games have run very smoothly, with the Chinese people acting as excellent, accommodating hosts. The money-grubbing International Olympic Committee and the Chinese government? Not nearly as impressive...

In Sally Jenkins' article in yesterday's Washington Post, she writes a first-person article in the guise of IOC president Jacques Rogge in which she highlights the hypocrisy that has come to mark every Olympics:

"For years now I have worked tirelessly to fashion the Olympics into an event in which it's possible to completely avoid ethical responsibility. I've used my skills as a yachtsman, member of the Belgian knighthood, and an impeccable wearer of blazers and boat shoes, to avoid a principled stand on any subject. It therefore grieves me to say that 10 days into the Beijing Games, I have met with a matter of the utmost seriousness: the unfortunate expressions of joy by Jamaican runner Usain Bolt, after winning the 100- and 200-meter dashes. This is truly an Olympic crisis.

It's one thing for the Chinese government to jail dissidents, to forge the passports of underage gymnasts, and to set up official protest zones and then arrest anyone who applied to use them. These are matters that I met with disciplined silence, or as I so adroitly put it, with "quiet diplomacy." But I cannot ignore Bolt's disturbing spontaneity. Him, I feel compelled to rebuke."

Great stuff.

When athletes celebrate gold medals and world records, the terrorists truly have won.

On a sillier note, Slate.com has been running a Sap-o-Meter, a running count of all of the maudlin descriptions used by NBC during their coverage of the Olympics. From the website, on their methodology:

"Here's how it works. After slogging through Olympic broadcasts of yore, we drew up a list of 33 syrupy words that NBC has chronically overused: adversity, battled, cancer, challenges, courage, cry, death, dedication, determination, dream, emotion, glory, golden, hardship, heart, hero, inspiration, inspire, journey, magic, memory, miracle, mom, mother, Olympic-sized, overcome, passion, proud, sacrifice, spirit, tears, tragedy, triumph. While these 33 words are by no means an unabridged collection of schmaltzy nouns, adjectives, and verbs, they're a good sampling of NBC's bathos. Think of them as the Dow Jones of sap."

The daily updates have been hysterical, with a special listing of the "pinnacle of treacle", for each given night. My favorite of their choices came from Tuesday, August 19:

August 19 Slate.com Sappiest Line of the Day: "And now begins Shawn Johnson's dream sequence. She looks like a kid on the best of Christmas mornings."—NBC's Al Trautwig, describing the American gymnast's walk to the medal stand after clinching gold on the balance beam.

I'm embedding the Sap-o-Meter widget here for your enjoyment. It's always good times here at QOTD, as we bring you entertainment you can only get on 55 million other blogs.

quote of the day (August 20, 2008)

2008-08-20T15:30:00.007-04:00

Sometimes being the Quotemaster has its drawbacks. Everyone knows about the adulation and riches that comes with operating a daily (ahem. semi-daily) quote blog. But just like those days when you just can't get rid of a bomb, some days you just can't think up a good topic for that day's quote.

We've clearly led into today with several Olympics-related quotes, and we only have a couple more days where that'd be relevant. But there just aren't that many Olympic-related pieces of pop culture that can compete with Gymkata. So how about Snakes on a Plane? Just think of it as a metaphor - the CGI snakes eating the hapless passengers represent evil athletes who are doping (or 12-year old gymnasts forging passports) to win gold medals over their innocent rule-abiding competition. And Sam Jackson is the International Olympic Committee Anti-Doping Commission who says, "Enough is enough. I have had it with these muthaf***in' cheaters in these muthaf***in' Games!"

The results are in - Sam Jackson has tested positive for being a badass. And for a wild lack of judgment when it comes to movie roles.

Okay, that didn't work at all. We're probably just trying to excise our bad memories from getting to the theater early on Snakes on a Plane's opening night, spending upwards of $9 on a menagerie of rubber snakes and then finding that the rest of the Charlotte population had ~~lives~~ other things going on that night. Anyway, how about a fun exchange from that movie:

Neville Flynn (Samuel L. Jackson): "We need weapons. Do you have any silverware or cutlery?"

Claire Miller (flight attendant played by ER's Julianna Margulies): "We don't have any silverware. All we have are these."

Flynn: "Sporks?"

Okay, now that that's out of the way, here's a real-life Olympic story. From an article in today's Detroit Free-Press:
========================================================
Anyway, the show (Access Hollywood) sought to update its Michael Phelps story from the Athens Olympics, when it asked him which celeb he'd most like to meet.

Said Phelps in 2004: "Lindsay Lohan. She's pretty hot."

So four years later, (host Billy) Bush brought Phelps this text response from Lohan: "Tell him he's (expletive) amazing, and I want to meet him."

"That's pretty cool," Phelps said.
========================================================

Great. If Phelps spends any time with Lindsay Lohan, he not likely to get any gold medals in 2012, but he will likely pick up chlamydia. Olympic flame, indeed.

Quick, someone light the Sexual Harrassment Panda Signal! He must protect Michael Phelps!

quote of the day (August 19, 2008)

2008-08-19T11:07:00.006-04:00

When we promised you gymnastics and karate in yesterday's quote, a giant roar went up from across the land, "GYMKATA!"

Okay, it was more of a muttered grumble from the couple of readers who could pick Gymkata out of a lineup. (here's a fun game to play! see if you are one of those readers!)

One of these guys will flip you, for real. Another one of these guys will flip you with 2 1/2 twists, sticking the dismount with a karate kick right to your junk.

Anyway, we're a little short-handed on this one, because even though Gymkata is widely-held to be one of the most fun of all the really awful movies, we have actually never seen it. This will soon be rectified at next Tuesday evening's Yahoo! fantasy football draft, where this stellar movie will be on in the background.

I've just discovered that Robert Clouse, the director of Gymkata, also directed such classics as Black-Belt Jones and Jackie Chan's ridiculous The Big Brawl.

To give you some of the plot overview, I'm going to quote from an online review at the website Mutant Reviewers from Hell:

"Before minute 12 hits, we meet our gymnast hero (1984 Olympic gold-medalist Kurt Thomas) who is recruited by someone in the US government to infiltrate Parmistan and gain their trust so that the US can build a missile detection station within their borders. Only, Parmistan has yet to modernize past medicinal leeches and court jesters, and they make every visitor to their country play in a deadly game called — are you ready? — The Game, which pretty much kills every contestant. This does dampen tourism, you understand. So Jonathan agrees to this stupid mission because… well, this guy kind of came to his door, and his dad got killed in Parmistan, so he really had no choice. Then Jonathan goes through a goofy training montage of walking on his hands and fighting blindfolded. Then he meets a mostly-silent princess who keeps racking him in the groin and drawing knives on him, and he seduces her with backflips. They make out.

That's all by minute 12. I kid you not."

He goes onto fight his way through The Game, after going through his training montage. The best part of the movie, apparently, comes about when our mulleted hero is surrounded by some local psychos. When it seemed hopeless, luckily Jonathan comes across the village pommel horse and proceeds to work them but good:

(be forewarned, if you are drinking something, swallow before viewing)

(As Eric Cartman would say, I'm being totally seriously. This is amazing.)

Let's see Yang Wei do that!

Wow. And it's only a Tuesday. What the hell are we going to do for the rest of the week...maybe we'll stick with Clouse's other hits and do some quotes from Black Belt Jones and The Big Brawl...you should be so lucky...

quote of the day (August 18, 2008)

2008-08-18T15:38:00.007-04:00

Gymnastics is one of those sports that become super-important to the average American every four years, and then pretty much resides along figure skating as programming that networks run against the NFL when they don't have football television rights.

Despite that fact, there are a couple of excellent examples of gymnasts who were able to parlay their fleeting Olympic glories onto the big screen.

The first one, is American Anthem, starring such lumnaries as 1984 Olympic gymnastics champion Mitch Gaylord and Janet Jones (aka Mrs. Wayne Gretzky). It has a stellar 2.4 out of 10 user rating on IMDB.com, just barely missing the cut for the bottom 100 movies in history (the cut starts at 2.3 out of 10). Some of the movies that did make the cut included Paris Hilton's The Hottie and the Nottie (rating of 1.6), From Justin to Kelly (1.7), and Gigli, Kazaam, It's Pat, and Battlefield Earth, all of which scored 2.3.

His mullet's start value is 7.5, much higher than his Chinese competitors...

That's not the point, though. We were discussing American Anthem. Let's do a better job of staying on track, shall we? Gaylord plays an angsty ex-gymnast (look how rebellious he is--he's wearing a leather jacket! with no shirt!!) who has dropped his Olympic hopes due to an injury. Jones' beauty inspires him back, and he spends most of the rest of the movie training for his comeback, including a Rocky IV-like moment when he constructs a high bar between two trees behind his house. He then proceeds to practice on the high bar even during thunderstorms, which just can't be safe. Mitch Gaylord laughs at lightning. And nuanced acting.

For some reason, St. Clare of Assisi, the Official Grade School of QOTD, showed our class this movie at some point. Knowing what I know now, it was probably almost summer vacation and the teachers were sick of dealing with us. It seemed cheesy then, so I'm sure it'd be even more dreadful now. But for those in the vast QOTD audience who want to get their gymnastics fix after the Beijing olympics have come and gone, um, this would not be a good choice for you.

From Walter Goodman's June 27, 1986 review of the movie for The New York Times: "Part of the time, especially for bizarrely lighted romantic moments, Steve and Julie appear to have been dipped in olive oil...This whole movie may have been concocted on a synthesizer." (that damn liberal media hates it when an American athlete wins a gold medal. Especially a rebellious one with a mullet and a leather jacket!)

TOMORROW on QOTD: we feature another gymnastics-related movie, this time involving karate and rogue nations!

quote of the day (August 14, 2008)

2008-08-14T16:47:00.005-04:00

With the TV coverage of the Beijing Olympic Games totally dominated by Michael Phelps on one hand, and the Chinese hosts seemingly winning every gold medal in events Phelps doesn't participate in, what's really getting lost are the many sports that used to be a part of the Games but have since been discarded in favor of newer events like synchronized diving, BMX and trampoline.

The bear won bronze at the Sydney Games

Getting a lot of attention are the removal of softball and baseball from the upcoming 2012 Olympics, but how great would the return of tug-of-war (1900-1920) be? A feature of thousands of company picnics and grade school field days, this would be significantly more relatable for the average viewer than watching the weightlifting events. Taking a cue from the beach volleyball strategy of attracting viewers, they could force the women to wear white bodysuits and have the losers fall into a pit of water. Good times!

Another great sport that has appeared once as a medal sport and three times as a demonstration sport is basque pelota, or jai-alai (1900). As anyone who has ever bet the Arregui-Oyarbide quinella at the Dania Jai-Alai can tell you, jai-alai is the most fixed game of all time. And it's perfect for betting - how much happier would the average viewer be if their $20 bet on the Cuban pair paid off 15-1 when they won gold?

To quote Kenny Banya (thus fulfilling our stated duty): "It's gold, Jerry, gold!"

Finally, croquet (1900) appeared in one Olympic games. What, Jarts wasn't invented yet?

It's enough to make an Olympic viewer yearn for the return of Silly Walks an event that the British dominated through much of the early 1900's.

Britain's dominant silly walker warms up.

And, apropos of nothing, it's The Bishop!

quote of the day (August 13): Hero Squad!

2008-08-13T10:03:00.003-04:00

5 days into the Olympics, and there certainly have been many medals awarded for all sorts of sports. Nobody has yet gotten any awards better than Buster Bluth (Tony Hale) in Arrested Development, who certainly lets his mother Lucille (Jessica Walter) know about his success:

LUCILLE: "Oh, Buster. Thank God you're home. There's no shame in being a coward."

BUSTER: "I'm not a coward. Would a coward have this? (holding some stuffed animals he won at an aarcade crane game)

LUCILLE: "What the hell is that?"

BUSTER: "These are my awards, mother. From Army. The seal is for marksmanship, and the gorilla is for sand racing!"

LUCILLE: "You're doing well?"

BUSTER: "I'm just dropping these off. Now, if you'll excuse me, they are putting me in something called Hero Squad!"

This quote, where Buster Bluth displays his awards, has been itself awarded the Buster Bluth/QOTD Seal of Approval, an award that displays Buster Bluth displaying his awards. Dizzy yet?

quote of the day (August 11, 2008)

2008-08-11T14:27:00.006-04:00

Well, though we'd like to lead with scenes from the Olympics,

we just can't miss out on paying tribute to two of our favorite entertainers who passed away over the weekend. First, Bernie Mac, one of the "Original Kings of Comedy" (a comedy tour that eventually spawned a movie shot just miles from the QOTD compound in Charlotte) and star of the perpetually underrated Bernie Mac Show. Mac died on Saturday morning from complications of pneumonia.

From the Bernie Mac Show: "[to his dog] Shut up before I drop yo ass off at Koreatown. Now hold on, America, don't start writing no letters. I'm just kidding. But am I lying?"

The other gentleman to pass away before his time was the great soul singer Isaac Hayes. Best known for the theme song to Shaft (shut yo' mouth!), he was closest to our generations' hearts with his portrayal of Chef from South Park. Chef was always kind and wise, and was the kids' most-trusted authority figure in town when they were confused, as seen in this exchange from the episode "Fat Camp" in season 4:

Stan: "Chef, what's a prostitute?"

Chef: "Dag-nabbit children! How come every time you come in here you gotta be askin' me questions that I shouldn't be answering?! 'Chef, what's the clitoris?' 'What's a lesbian, Chef?' 'How come they call it a rim job, Chef?' For once, can't you just come in here and say, 'Hi Chef. Nice day, isn't it?'!"

Stan: "Ok. Hi Chef. Nice day isn't it?"

Chef: "Thank you. Yes, it is a nice day"

Stan: "Chef, what's a prostitute?"

I'm still bitter about the time in 1998 that I went as Chef for Halloween, and no one knew who I was because I obviously didn't go in blackface. Even when I greeted people with a "Hello there, Children!", people still answered me "Hey, Chef Boyardee!" I guess I'm just ahead of my time. Or I shouldn't have dressed as a character from a show that appeared on Comedy Central, a channel no one got on Indiana University's campus. Anyway, R.I.P., Chef.

quote of the day (8/8/08)

2008-08-08T08:57:00.002-04:00

As everyone knows well, the Olympics are now underway and we're due to get 17 days' worth of tear-jerking profiles about athletes overcoming obstacles to make it to the finals of modern pentathlon or synchronized swimming (see video below). We here at QOTD are more interested in watching women's beach volleyball in High Definition. But that's just us.

Either way, before any athlete makes it to the peak of their chosen field, they undoubtedly honed their skills for years. Or they used a montage:

"The hours approaching, just give it your best
You've got to reach your prime.
That’s when you need to put yourself to the test,
And show us a passage of time,
We're gonna need a montage
Oh it takes a montage

Show a lot of things happing at once,
Remind everyone of what’s going on
And with every shot you show a little improvement
To show it all would take to long
That’s called a montage
Oh we want montage

And anything that we want to go from just a beginner to a pro,
You need a montage
Even Rocky had a montage

Anything that we want to go from just a beginner to a pro,
You need a montage
Oh it takes a montage

Always fade out in a montage,
If you fade out, it seem like more time
Has passed in a montage...."

--Trey Parker and Matt Stone's "Montage", first used in South Park episode "Asspen", then in Team America: World Police

quote of the day (August 7, 2008): Baseball, Roland the Headless Thompson Gunner-style

2008-08-07T15:43:00.004-04:00

Back to our baseball announcer quotes - today's victim is San Diego Padres Hall-of-Fame announcer Jerry Coleman.

He's well-known for his memorable malaprops on air, and we've picked a couple of the best for today's quote.

"Hats off to drug abusers everywhere."

"Rich Folkers is throwing up in the bullpen."

"That's Hendrick's 19th home run. One more and he reaches double figures."

and...our personal favorite:

"Winfield goes back to the wall. He hits his head on the wall -- and it rolls off! It's rolling all the way back to second base! This is a terrible thing for the Padres."

Winfield's baseball card, post-accident. At least the photo was taken in a beautiful pastoral setting.

quote of the day (August 6, 2008)

2008-08-06T23:53:00.005-04:00

Thank you, Mario! But your dignity is in another castle!

Due to all of our traveling, we know we've been pretty inconsistent in our blogging. We're going to get some posts up for the rest of this week, and we should get back to normal next week.

We're going to take a day off from the baseball announcer quotes, and address a different baseball-related issue, as suggested by alert reader/misanthrope Jim Wyrsch. This was an obvious choice for QOTD, given our start as a mustache chronicle...

From the wonderful (St. Louis-based) American Mustache Institute, their official statement on the demise of Jason Giambi's mustache:

"It lived a life most of us would envy. But in the end, Jason Giambi's mustache never really had a chance, and ended up in a bathroom basin, dead after less than a few months of life.

The American Mustache Institute salutes Mr. Giambi and his mustache, for having the bravery to walk proudly down the same lines upon which other great Yankee mustaches have -- including Reggie Jackson, Thurman Munson, Don Mattingly, and Sal Fasano. Our hearts and prayers go out to Mr. Giambi, his family, and the Yankees organization. And while we are all gravely disappointed by the passing of Jason's mustache, no one, or thing, feels a greater loss than his upper lip." (Read the rest of their statement here.

Another icon loses his 'stache.

quote of the day (August 4, 2008)

2008-08-04T23:00:00.002-04:00

Continuing our baseball announcers' tributes, it seems appropriate to have a day dedicated to longtime Atlanta Braves' play-by-play announcer Skip Carey, who passed away over the weekend. Besides being one of the most recognizable voices in all of announcing, he had a great sarcastic sense of humor.

Here are a couple of Skip's funniest:

"The bases are loaded, just like (Marlins' manager) Jack McKeon probably wishes he was."

(on a day back in the early 80's when the Braves only had 6,000 fans in attendance) "It's a partial sellout."

=================
Also we have some exclusive footage of the Quotemaster General in his chance at playing on Busch Stadium's field. Take a look at that bat speed!

quote of the day (July 31, 2008)

2008-07-31T12:18:00.005-04:00

As we're getting ready for our chance to play baseball this afternoon at Busch Stadium, we've got another day of quotes from a very funny baseball announcer. Today, we feature Hall of Fame broadcaster Bob Uecker. He works for the Milwaukee Brewers, who stubbornly refuse to not suck against the stinking Cubs (see images throughout this post) this week. Maybe they'll be so inspired by their QOTD mention that they'll play better today...

One of Uecker's common themes is his less-than-stellar performance as a player for the Cardinals and Phillies:

"Career highlights? I had two. I got an intentional walk from Sandy Koufax and I got out of a rundown against the Mets."

"I signed with the Milwaukee Braves for $3,000. That bothered my dad at the time because he didn't have that kind of dough. But he eventually scraped it up."

"People don't know this but I helped the Cardinals win the pennant. I came down with hepatitis. The trainer injected me with it."

"One time, I got pulled over at 4 a.m. I was fined $75 for being intoxicated and $400 for being with the Phillies."

quote of the day (July 29-30, 2008): Welcome Back QOTD(er)

2008-07-29T16:53:00.006-04:00

So after our short-lived begging for more readers last week, we saw a short-term bump of 50% daily visitors. Sadly any of those new readers who came after Wednesday of last week was stuck looking at that unfortunate Estelle Getty/Marisa Miller mashup (QOTD's $0 software budget doesn't allow for luxuries like Photoshop), since it took us a full week to start quoting again.

Anyway, we're back from the beach, rested, happy and ready to quote.

Sadly, not one desperate soul fell for the bait and searched on "Jessica Biel naked". Or anyone else naked, for that matter. We're going to have to get a lot more creative to start driving the big numbers and making the large advertising bucks.

But that's for another day.

Since the Quotemaster General has gotten the opportunity to participate in a tryout, er, fantasy camp with the St. Louis Cardinals' Busch Stadium tomorrow afternoon, the attention around QOTD Headquarters is on our nation's pasttime. So, with thanks to alert reader Mike Klein for the suggestion, we're going to run some great baseball announcers' quotes. In honor of the team that's going to allow me to defile their field with flailing attempts to hit a baseball, we'll start with the Cardinals' long-time color commentator Mike Shannon and a few of his all-time classics:

"A hit up the middle right now would be like a nice ham sandwich and a cold, frosty one."

"It's raining like a Chinese fire drill!"

"He ran to second faster than a cat in Chinatown."

"Well, folks, this game began as a tiny worm and is blossoming into a large cobra."

"I've heard it said that if you know English, Spanish, Italian, and I think it's French, you can go just about anywhere in this world...except for China where they have all those derelicts." After broadcast partner Joe Buck suggested that Mike meant 'dialects', here was his response: "Yeah, dialects! That's what I mean. But they've got a lot of derelicts too!!"

Here you see some Chinese derelicts, preparing to knock over a local liquor store.

quote of the day (July 23, 2008): MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!

2008-07-23T15:29:00.006-04:00

Well, yesterday's QOTD viewer drive worked like we hoped it would. Although we got exactly zero page hits from people looking for Jessica Biel, Haley Joel Osment or Ian Ainslie naked, we did have 25 visitors. This is a robust 56% increase over our daily average! If we can keep up that growth rate, on day 25, we'll be over 1 million unique visitors, passing www.wannawatch.com on the Global Top 500 lists.

We're already deciding how to invest all of that advertising cash (probably in better writers). And hey, you'll be able to say you were in on the ground floor. It's like a pyramid scheme, except you won't get anything out of it. Sounds great, right?

Michael Scott, perfect QOTD reader

In an effort to revise my attempts to draw more people to this site, we see that yesterday's most-searched term was Estelle Getty. And since clearly most people use the internet for pornography, I'm surprised that the top search wasn't ESTELLE GETTY NAKED. ESTELLE GETTY certainly wasn't allowed to get NAKED on Golden Girls. Not for lack of trying, that hellcat.

There were always rumors about Getty and cosmetic surgery. Particularly about the pink square that always surrounded her head.

Today's going to be the last quote till next Monday, as we're going to a quote convention for the weekend. So here goes. From a favorite blog of ours here at QOTD, Masters of Gillgan (we especially love the Mary Worth material). In this post, the blog's author discusses his young son's budding athletic career:
================================================
After winning his first race, against a tiny girl about half his age, and subsquently losing twice against boys who appeared to be slightly older, Adam looked up at me with a tear in his eye and uttered the following, which I think is good advice for us all....

"I only like to run against little girls. They're easier to beat."
================================================
See everybody on Monday!

quote of the day (July 22, 2008)

2008-07-22T13:25:00.012-04:00

So we've been doing this QOTD blog for 3 months now. If you go back 3 months before that, we were in the midst of our mustache caper to benefit Donors Choose. Your QOTD Senior Correspondent looked something like this at that time:

Blue Steel. Squared.

We bring this up mostly so we can link to alert reader Ian Ainslie's video, documenting his mustache month. It's excellent and safe for work, unless you're one of our female alert readers and are likely to get hot and bothered watching a handsome gentleman with a mustache.

So, as I was saying earlier, we've been doing this QOTD thing for three months now, and we have yet to be able to generate the sort of user traffic we're going to need if we're going to start selling invasive advertising for new ringtones or for ED remedies. Doing a little bit of research online, I found that the following sites currently rank at top of global internet traffic**. Most of them are pretty expected, but unfortunately, QOTD was nowhere to be found! (**the number after the website name is an estimate of how many people visit the site daily--it assumes that 40% of the world's connected population are online every day--this is not scientific, as it turns out the jury's still out on science)

1) Google 171.8 million
2) Yahoo 160.5 million
3) YouTube 106.8 million
4) Windows Live 104.3 million
5) MSN 80.9 million
6) Wikipedia 55.0 million
7) Facebook 49.4 million
8) Blogger 44.8 million (yeah, it'd only be 44,799,999 on weekdays without QOTD!)
9) MySpace 41.7 million
10) Orkut 15.8 million
...
500) Wannawatch.com (NSFW!) 1.03 million
...
934,394,749,307) QOTD 16 daily visitors

As you can see from the above, we've got a ways to go to crack the top 500. So what we need from you, as one of those 16 visitors, is to passing along the good word. Think of it like Pay It Forward, but without having to watch the insufferable Haley Joel Osment. Feel free to resort to trickery, like I'm about to do here:

One thing you're never going to see on this site is JESSICA BIEL NAKED. Ha. She's not EVEN naked! You've been outragiac'd! However, if you pass this site to 10 friends and allow Bill Gates to track those emails, JESSICA BIEL will show up NAKED at your front door. You've been warned.

I expect that google searches alone should boost viewership by at least 10. Hopefully none of those ten searches will be for "Haley Joel Osment naked". That would be pretty creepy. Alright, that's 26 daily visitors. Only 1,029,974 to go! Look out, wannawatch.com. We're coming for you!

Okay, that's about it. Oh. Yeah, we're supposed to do a quote or something, right? Let's go back to yesterday's hero, comedian/Crazy Doggg Demetri Martin for another one:

"One of my friends has a stutter and a lot of people think that's a bad thing, but to me that's just like starting certain words with a drum roll. That's not an impediment, that's suspense! What's he going to say? Car?... or Carnival?... Carburetor? Man..."

quote of the day (July 21)

2008-07-21T15:49:00.004-04:00

Since July 21 is almost over, how about a quickie for today (Michael Scott: "That's what she said.")...but don't fret, we have some bigger things planned for tomorrow.

A few bits from off-beat comedian (and keytar player in the Crazy Dogggz) Demetri Martin:

"I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed because I thought, 'Damn, I'm less nurturing than a desert.'"

"A lot of people don't like bumper stickers. I don't mind bumper stickers. To me a bumper sticker is a shortcut. It's like a little sign that says 'Hey, let's never hang out."

"If I ever saw an amputee being hanged, I would just yell out letters."

Oh, crap. Another game that I can only beat on the medium level.

quote of the day (July 18, 2008)

2008-07-18T16:06:00.006-04:00

First, on a somber note, the great former St. Louis Steamer (professional indoor soccer) goalkeeper Slobo Ilijevski passed away at the age of 58 from a ruptured aorta. Bad times. He once was the featured pep rally speaker at the Official High School of QOTD, St. Louis U. High when alert reader Kevin Doll was in school there. He remembers the gist of a part of Slobo's speech (paraphrased. the last line is a direct quote):

"When I was in America for the first time, my visa was running out, I had failed in earlier tryouts and I had one more chance. I did not have money, but I did have just enough to buy cookie!...I love cookies!" (students give him a standing ovation)

As a happier transition to the next quote, here is the greatest soccer-related piece of humor in the history of mankind. It helps if you have a working knowledge of philosophy and of soccer. From Monty Python, "International Philosophy":

"And Marx claims that it was offsides." Best. Line. Ever.

So as promised above, here's a much happier quote to start your weekend off, assuming you're not actually Dwight Schrute, whose choices of girlfriends has always been a little questionable...

"I've been doing surveilance for years. One time I suspected my girlfriend was cheating on me, so I tailed her for six straight nights. Turns out she was. A couple of guys, actually."

--Dwight Schrute (Rainn Wilson) discusses his credentials as a private eye

Dwight Schrute's match.com profile.

quote of the day (July 16, 2008)

2008-07-16T15:59:00.005-04:00

As it is the birthday of one of the founding members of QOTD, we choose to celebrate by not thinking much about today's offering, making it a mishmash of things that make us laugh but don't particularly belong together.

After all, as author/humorist Dave Barry once said in his book Dave Barry Turns 50:

"There comes a time when you should stop expecting people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven."

So, on that note - hopefully we'll be seeing you out at The Gin Mill in South End this evening. I'll be the guy in a cape.

And, as promised (as recently as 6 sentences ago), here's another quote that made us laugh out loud. From the New York Times Magazine's excellent profile of Rush Limbaugh, written by Zev Chafets:

At dinner the night before, Bill O’Reilly’s name came up, and Limbaugh expressed his opinion of the Fox cable king. He hadn’t been sure at the time that he wanted it on the record. But on second thought, “somebody’s got to say it,” he told me. “The man is Ted Baxter.”

Classic.

quote of the day (July 15)

2008-07-15T11:24:00.005-04:00

Finally, today is the last day of the Batman rankings as we get ready for the release of The Dark Knight this Friday at midnight.

Since we've already hit the high (Adam West) and the low (George Clooney), we're left with the current Batman, Christian Bale. Christian Bale as Batman, running away from fun.

Christian Bale, Batman Begins 2005, The Dark Knight 2008

Typical quote: "Bats frighten me. It's time my enemies shared my dread."

Strengths: does an excellent job demonstrating the mental demons that cause a billionaire to dress up in a silly costume to fight deadly criminals, has the physical presence to be believable as an effective crime-fighter, and also starred in American Psycho, making him just creepy enough to add a little more edge to the dark knight

Weaknesses: Tonally, he's always the same - driven, badass and yet largely unpleasant. Makes for a great character, but he's not all that fun to watch when he's not actively kicking ass. Definitely not as strong a dancer as Adam West's Batman.

Overall Rating (0-100): 89. Here's hoping this ranking rises a bit with the new movie. Perhaps he could get himself a snappy superhero theme song like this one:
(NOT SAFE FOR WORK. You've been warned.)

quote of the day (July 14, 2008)

2008-07-15T11:22:00.002-04:00

We've been out of the QOTD office a lot recently with the visit of St. Louis correspondent/QOTD sibling Katie Doll, so we're going to mash together a couple of quotes for today. We're now in the midst of our Batman-ranking exercise where we run into a couple of forgettable Batmen. Val Kilmer played Batman in 1995's Batman Forever, and George Clooney (yes, that guy from Facts of Life) played Batman in the 1997 stinkbomb Batman & Robin.

Val Kilmer, Batman Forever 1995

Typical quote: "You called me here for this? The Batsignal is not a beeper."

Strengths: um, strengths. let's see. He was more physically imposing and staid than the goofier Michael Keaton and the more sensual Adam West. And he wasn't George Clooney.

Weaknesses: Boring. And also hampered by the director's goofier, lighter vision.

Overall Rating (0-100): 50. Val Kilmer was perfectly acceptable. And perfectly forgettable.
Just look at him, being all generic and stuff. Not even one teeth click to be had.

George Clooney, Batman & Robin 1997

Typical quote: "The heat is on, Freeze."

Strengths: Was better than most of the dredge around him in this awful film. Basically played himself - and at least he's a likeable guy.

Weaknesses: Basically played himself. He wore a nippled batsuit. Had an unfortunate propensity for puns (though not as painfully as Arnold Schwarzenegger's Mr. Freeze character, who spoke entirely in sentence fragments that included references to cold, snow, ice or freezing). The movie was essentially a giant toy commercial - a decidedly unappealing toy commercial.

Overall Rating (0-100): 13. George Clooney, though affable and generally fun to watch, had no chance in this stink-bomb of a movie. Perhaps if he'd been given a real script and hadn't been saddled with both Chris O'Donnell (Robin) AND Alicia Silverstone (Batgirl), he'd have been okay in this role.

It's apparently cold in the Batcave this morning...

EDITED TO ADD: As alert reader Potato Boy points out, Val Kilmer was the Batman with the nipples on his Bat-suit. He apparently has mistaken this blog for one that is interested in accuracy. We don't really regret the error, but we do appreciate the fact that anyone is reading this junk.

a note from QOTD headquarters...

2008-07-11T14:35:00.005-04:00

Things have been very busy around here. Yesterday and today's quotes are coming this afternoon/evening. But in the meantime, enjoy a couple of Batman villain movies.

Bob, gun.

The Riddler (Frank Gorshin) gives his 10 best riddles

quote of the day (July 9, 2008)

2008-07-09T13:47:00.007-04:00

The billionaire creates a Bat-suit loaded down with the muscles that he doesn't really have. Holy insecurity, Batman!

After Adam West, the bar was set pretty high for future Batmen. The specter of Mr. West hung over the Batman franchise for 21 years until Michael Keaton reprised the role in 1989's aptly-titled Batman. Best known at that point for his roles in comedies like Gung Ho and Mr. Mom, his choice as the Caped Crusader was widely questioned at the time. He was thought not to have the imposing physique required for the role (especially when compared to the Herculean frame of West's Batman). Even so, he did an admirable job, and emerged as an excellent Batman.

In this clip Michael Keaton shows how eccentric billionaire Bruce Wayne lets off some steam when he's not fighting crime

Michael Keaton, Batman 1989, Batman Returns 1992

Typical quote: "You wanna get nuts? Come on, let's get nuts!"

Strengths: his wonderful toys, the ability to get it on without removing his Bat-costume, potent scowl, exceptionally adept/phallic motor vehicle.

Weaknesses: When wearing Bat-costume, has inability to turn his head without turning his whole upper-body, has hair in a permullet, falls for the empty-headed reporter Vicki Vale.

Overall Rating (0-100): 81. Michael Keaton was a pretty generic Bruce Wayne, but a very good Batman. He gets docked points for his infatuation with the shrill, vacuous Vicki Vale, but then makes them back by falling for the infinitely more interesting Catwoman in the second film. He also loses points for being in Herbie: Fully Loaded and not punching busty junkie Lindsey Lohan. Not even once.

quote of the day (July 8, 2008)

2008-07-08T11:04:00.010-04:00

Since we gave away our top choice of Batmen yesterday, we'll just go ahead and get this out of the way. To start off our Batman rankings, we'll begin with the great Adam West.

Batman competes in the Jack Rabbit Slim's Twist Contest

Adam West, Batman tv show 1966-68, Batman: The Movie 1966

Typical quote: (about some ruffians in a bar) "They may be drinkers, Robin, but they are still human beings, and can be salvaged."

Strengths: Unflappability, excellent dancing ability (he's served more than one super-villain in his day), the ability to punch out villains and their henchmen so powerfully that sound effects like "Biff!" or "Zow!" are actually visible, secure enough in his manhood to wear a grey suit with a bright yellow utility belt.

Weaknesses: Questionable athleticism (Mel Kiper, Jr. claims that he does not have the physical upside you'd like to see in your super-heroes), creepy relationship with Robin, susceptibility to Catwoman's charms (can you really blame him?)

Overall Rating (0-100): 94. Adam West is clearly the gold standard of Batmen. If he'd just spent a little less time at the discotheque and more time at the gym, he'd score a perfect 100.

quote of the day (July 7, 2008)

2008-07-07T15:56:00.006-04:00

Next on FOX's "When Animals Attack": Shark repellent--Deadly Effective or Effectively Dead?

Many of you in our worldwide QOTD audience are undoubtedly looking forward to The Dark Knight, the newest Batman movie that is released a week from Friday. In the newest iteration, Christian Bale plays Batman. Sure he's got the GOB-like voice and the gravitas needed to be an excellent Batman. But all Caped Crusaders take a back seat to the crimefighting genius that was Adam West.

In the 1966 movie version, after Batman has warded off an attack by an exploding shark with a handy spray-can of Shark Repellent, he and Robin meet with Commissioner Gordon and Chief O'Hara to identify the plot's mastermind:

Commissioner Gordon: "Could be any one of them, but which one? W— which ones?"
Chief O'Hara: [gasps]
Batman: "Pretty fishy what happened to me on that ladder."
Gordon: "You mean, where there's a fish, there could be a Penguin."
Robin: "But wait! It happened at sea! See? "C" for Catwoman!"
Batman: "Yet... that exploding shark was pulling my leg!"
Gordon: "The Joker!"
O'Hara: "It all adds up to a sinister riddle. Riddle-er. Riddler?"
Gordon: "Oh! A thought strikes me! So dreadful I scarcely dare give it utterance."
Batman: "The four of them. Their forces combined..."
Robin: "Holy nightmare!"
Gordon: "Penguin, Joker, Riddler... and Catwoman, too! The sum of the angles of that rectangle is too monstrous to contemplate!"
Batman: "We've been given the plainest warning. They're working together to take over..."
O'Hara: "Take over what, Batman? Gotham City?"
Batman: "Any two of them would try that!"
Gordon: "The whole country?"
Batman: "If it were three of them, I would say yes, but four? Their minimum objective must be... the entire world."

So, starting tomorrow, we're going to rank the movie Batmans, on a Bat-rating scale from 0 (Prince's "Batdance") to 100 (this scene).

So, tune in tomorrow - same bat-time, same bat-channel!

quote of the day (July 3, 2008): Don't run. We are your friends.

2008-07-03T09:51:00.006-04:00

(We started this quote last Thursday before things got super-busy at QOTD Headquarters, and we neglected to get it finished. Don't worry. There will soon be a quote for Monday as well...)

In the final day of our holiday-shortened week of tributes to the United States, we have the most powerful demonstration of a country's strength: its ability to defeat intergalactic enemies on behalf of all of humanity.

But, before we get there, I'd like to plug alert reader Mike Bufkin's Wispy Tickler blog, which just had its first post since the Great Mustache Caper ended in February. If you look very closely, you can even see a photo of the QOTD Czar hidden somewhere in the article.

Now onto today's quote. In the brilliant war documentary, Independence Day, President Thomas Whitmore (Bill Pullman) gives a rousing speech to some American pilots tasked with defeating alien invaders and preserving the human race. We believe that George W. Bush has patterned his squinty look and gravelly voice after President Whitmore's demeanor in this scene. If only he were as eloquent:It's uncanny!

"Good morning. In less than an hour, aircraft from here will join others from around the world, and you will be launching the largest aerial battle in the history of mankind. Mankind. That word should have new meaning for all of us today. We can't be consumed by our petty differences anymore. We will be united in our common interests. Perhaps it's fate that today is the Fourth of July, and you will once again be fighting for our freedom… Not from tyranny, oppression, or persecution… but from annihilation. We're fighting for our right to live. To exist. And should we win the day, the Fourth of July will no longer be known as an American holiday, but as the day when the world declared in one voice: We will not go quietly into the night! We will not vanish without a fight! We're going to live on! We're going to survive! Today we celebrate our Independence Day!"

In the Americans-fight-aliens genre, Mars Attacks! emerges as the clear victor. Much like President Whitmore in Independence Day, President Dale (Jack Nicholson) keeps his wits about him after the aliens attack, blowing up a joint session of Congress.

"I want the people to know that they still have 2 out of 3 branches of the government working for them, and that ain't bad."

That is clearly better than most days, when we often have 0 out of 3 branches working for the American people.

Ack! Ack-ack!

Hope everyone had a wonderful holiday weekend. Back at you with more music and fun shortly.

quote of the day (July 2): on the boats and on the planes!

2008-07-02T14:07:00.005-04:00

Day 3 of our tribute to all things USA as we count down to July 4.

Harold Lederman, how do you score it? Well, Jim, through 14 rounds, Drago has connected on 95% of his power punches, an average of 71 per round! Balboa's going to need to go for the knockout in the 15th if he has any chance of winning this fight and then giving a rambling, nonsensical speech that will bring the Politburo to its feet and destroy the Soviet Union. He also should work off his jab more!

Ridiculous Stallone movies aside, on to today's quote:

When you think of songs that pay homage to our great nation, what do you think of first? Oh, the national anthem? That makes sense. What else? Ugh. That brutal Lee Greenwood song? Yeah, I guess I can see that.

Well, how about this: when you think of songs that pay homage to our great nation sung by Neil Diamond in the 1980 version of the film The Jazz Singer co-starring Sir Laurence Olivier, what song comes to mind?

YES! "America"!

In addition to being one of the QOTD bureau's go-to karaoke songs, it's also a reminder of the USA's traditionally open arms to immigrants from all over the world who came here to make a new life for themselves and their families.

Neil spoke about his specific inspiration for this song on VH1's Storytellers (Saturday Night Live sketch):

Neil Diamond (Will Ferrell): "This next song, you all might like. Few people know that I am fueled creatively by my massive hatred of immigrants. [plays intro to "America"] Gary and I have gone on for hours about how much we hate foreigners. Right, Gary?"

Gary, the Bass Player (John Goodman): "Leave me out of this, man."

Neil Diamond: "NO, I WILL LEAVE YOU IN!! Well, my love of this great and beautiful nation, and my hatred of all people with dark skin led me to write this. [sings] On the boats and on the trains. They're coming to America. Never looking back again. Just do the best you can!"

The band members start telling him to shut up, Neil screams at them.

Neil Diamond (Will Ferrell): "I'll smack you in the mouth, I'm Neil Diamond!"

This seems unrelated, but it's not. Watch till the end for a nice little Neil Diamond impersonation.

quote of the day (July 1): America - F*** Yeah! (oh, and also, Oh Canada)

2008-07-01T16:18:00.006-04:00

Day two of our patriotic tribute to the Western Hemisphere, the dancingest hemisphere of all! Ooops. That's actually from Hooray for Everything, from The Simpsons. We're supposed to be talking about the United States, as we prepare for Independence Day this Friday.

Lest our Canadian fanbase be disappointed, we also want to acknowledge that today, July 1, is Canada Day! Join me in donning your celebratory touque, cracking open a Moosehead and honoring our neighbors to the Great White North.

"Canada is the greatest nation in this country."
--former Toronto mayor Allan Lamport

Some typical Canadian citizens.

And onto the USA, from Team America: World Police, Team America's theme song:

"America, F*** yeah!
Comin' again to save the muthaf***in' day, yeah!
America, F*** yeah!
Freedom is the only way, yeah!
Terrorists, your game is through
'Cause now you have to answer to
America, F*** yeah!"

A typical American resident. Note: Even mulleted illiterates love the Cardinals. Take that, Cub fans!

quote of the day (June 30, 2008): double secret patriotism

2008-06-30T15:32:00.005-04:00

In honor of our nation's 232nd birthday this Friday, we'll be doing a week's worth (er, four days' worth) of quotes dedicated to Am-uh-ri-ca. (because people LOVE themes)

The US flag lapel pin. The sign of someone who truly loves America. If you're not wearing one right now, you probably are rooting for the terrorists. Way to go, Guy / Gal!

We'll start with a true American classic, Animal House:
Otis, my man!! Otis LOVES the U.S.!

Our quote comes from a scene where the upstanding citizens of Delta house find themselves in a disciplinary meeting and are in danger of being disbanded. Delta house president Hoover (James Widdoes), Boon (Peter Riegert) and Eric "Otter" Stratton (Tim Matheson) represent the fraternity members in the hearing:

Otter: "Point of parliamentary procedure!"

Hoover (whispering to Otter): "Don't screw around, they're serious this time!"

Otter: "Take it easy, I'm pre-law."

Boon: "I thought you were pre-med."

Otter: "What's the difference?
(stands to address the committee)
Ladies and gentlemen, I'll be brief. The issue here is not whether we broke a few rules, or took a few liberties with our female party guests - we did. [winks at Dean Wormer] But you can't hold a whole fraternity responsible for the behavior of a few, sick twisted individuals. For if you do, then shouldn't we blame the whole fraternity system? And if the whole fraternity system is guilty, then isn't this an indictment of our educational institutions in general? I put it to you, Greg - isn't this an indictment of our entire American society? Well, you can do whatever you want to us, but I for one am not going to stand here and listen to you badmouth the United States of America. Gentlemen!"
[Otter leads the Deltas out of the hearing, all humming the Star-Spangled Banner]
Wormer? He's a dead man. Marmalard? Dead. Scott Niedermayer? Dead!

quote of the day (June 27, 2008)

2008-06-27T14:19:00.004-04:00

Happy birthday to QOTD sibling Kurt Doll, who I suspect is sometimes alert but is rarely a reader. But happy birthday all the same.

To get everyone ready for the weekend, we thought we'd dig into our inner-US Weekly, and go with some "Celebrity Secrets", as confessed on Late Night with Conan O'Brien.

From Snoop Dogg: "It's true, Dr. Dre is not a real doctor. I just wish he had told me that before I let him remove my pancreas."

From Mr. T: "I remember one time I tried to pity this fool. He told me his name was Jeff. He was married. He pulled out his wallet and showed me three pictures of his kids; Kelly, Robert, Brittany. Real cute kids. Don't get too close man. It's hard to pity a fool if you get too close."

From Fabio: "From the moment I stepped foot on the set of the movie Dude Where's My Car? I knew where the car was."

From John McEnroe: "On the court, Jimmy Connors was my rival. But between the sheets, he was my friend."

And, last but not least, from Gwyneth Paltrow: "I'm superstitious. Before I start a new movie, I also kill a hobo with a hammer."

quote of the day (June 26): Skullets. Nothing but Skullets.

2008-06-26T10:49:00.005-04:00

Sometimes in the quoting business, things just come together perfectly. Today is one of those days. Last night, the underdog Fresno State Bulldogs won the College World Series over the University of Georgia, inspired, no doubt by pitcher Kris Tomlinson's new look. Ladies and gentlemen, the Skullet!:

On ESPN's Pardon the Interruption, during their "Good Cop/Bad Cop" segment, co-host/resident cue ball Tony Kornheiser had some commentary on Tomlinson's new hairdo:

"I am the good cop, 'cause I can actually grow something like this. This is a Fresno State kid who shaved most of his head and kept that hair in the back. The person with the skullet that I like most in history is Ben Franklin. I don't know how you can argue against Ben Franklin, this kid and me at the same time. This is a great new hairstyle - one that I actually can partake in."

Kornheiser vs Ben Franklin in the Battle of the Skullet! note: Kornheiser's photo has been digitally altered by the same people who brought you Little Man

While we're on the topic of skullets, Hulk Hogan has been in the news a lot lately, for his public breakup with his wife, his son's solitary confinement, and because no weekend goes by without showing his Oscar-caliber performance in Rocky III.

However, the most-exciting Hogan-related news is that fresh off the success of the large-screen adaptation of Get Smart, Disney has decided to fast-track a movie version of the Hulkster's wildly successful action TV show, Thunder in Paradise. There is some question about Chris Lemmon's availability, though.

Just to get you in the mood, here are the show's opening credits. You'll notice that they took up 2 full minutes of a 43-minute show with this song. Always a sign of a show's quality:

Rich, if you've read this far in today's quote, we regret to inform you that we made up the news about a Thunder in Paradise movie. We would be first in line if it ever happens, though...

quote of the day (June 25, 2008)

2008-06-25T09:40:00.005-04:00

Back when this was a chronicle of my charity mustache, I extolled the virtues of Deadwood's Al Swearengen and his super-literate form of vulgarity. Now that this is a repository for our favorite quotes, I'd be remiss not to include a few from that fine HBO show that left the air too early...

"You can't slit the throat of everyone whose character it would improve."
--saloon/brothel owner and general badass Al Swearengen (Ian McShane), despairs over the strict rules imposed by societal norms

If you compare my glorious mustache to the fuzz grown by these ignorant hoopleheads, I will kill you where you stand.

"My bicycle masters boardwalk and quagmire with aplomb. Those that doubt me suck c**k by choice!"
--Tom Nutall (Rock Hill, South Carolina's own Leon Rippy), owner of one of the local saloons, exults in his new bicycle purchase

Masters me? Suck what by choice? Allll riiiiight.

quote of the day (June 24, 2008)

2008-06-24T12:10:00.004-04:00

There has been a general pall over QOTD headquarters in the last couple of days. One of our QOTD fleet cars was broken into on Friday, and the perpetrator stole several items of value, including our Secret Quote Vault™. (don't ask why we would carry anything so valuable around in a fleet vehicle)

Anyway, the combination of our malaise and our missing quote vault led to our skipping yesterday's quote. We offer a heartfelt apology to our reader.

Whenever in a funk, instead of angry dancing, we prefer to turn to the gentle wisdom of Flight of the Conchords, New Zealand's fourth most-popular guitar-based digi-bongo acapella-rap-funk-comedy folk duo, to cheer us up.

Gingerballs? Present.

Today's quote, from their song "Cheer Up, Murray" makes even more sense, considering FotC band manager Murray is the inspiration for this blog's original name. Prepare your spirits for lifting:

"So people don't return your calls
They don't return your calls
And people will call you Gingerballs
They'll call you Gingerballs
Those people don't know what they see
They just see Gingerballs
Gingerballs

Cheer up, Murray
It's time to forget
Your wife met someone on the 'Net
Let's go and get an ice cream

Cheer up, Murray
Though nothing goes your way
It's the same every day
Well, tomorrow is another day"

And, for good measure, the song in total:

quote of the day (June 20, 2008)

2008-06-20T08:59:00.004-04:00

It's a Medical Friday here at QOTD. This might be because we're feeling a bit creaky this morning after a substandard night's sleep. Or it could just be that we've got a great quote from an alert reader/friend of QOTD and we want to use it.

Prepare the defribrillator. CLEAR!

The aforementioned alert reader/Charlotte musician Matt Miller calls to mind the glorious sound of aluminum on cowhide, as he describes his recent ordeal passing several kidney stones:

"It sounded like the College World Series in there. Ping! Ping! Ping!"

This quote has been endorsed by Major League Super Star Fred McGriff!

And now, more groin-based humor from our favorite medical show of all time (No, not Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman), Scrubs:

JD (Zach Braff): "Dr.Cox.."

Dr.Cox (John McGinley): "Newbie, if the next two words out of your mouth aren't 'See ya' then the third word will be 'Oh my god. My crotch. You've punched me in my crotch.'"

JD: "See Ya!"

a helpful PSA from our friends at Scrubs

quote of the day (June 19, 2008)

2008-06-19T15:31:00.002-04:00

Most of the people reading this are probably fans of The Office on NBC. Probably not that many of you have seen the original BBC version, created by the extremely funny Ricky Gervais.

From the end of the first episode, office manager David Brent (Gervais) talks about his management philosophy:

“What is the single most important thing for a company? Is it the building? Is it the stock? Is it the turnover? It’s the people, investment in people. My proudest moment here wasn’t when I increased profits by 17%, or cut expenditure without losing a single member of staff. No. It was a young Greek guy, first job in the country, hardly spoke a word of English, but he came to me and he went ‘Mr. Brent, will you be the Godfather to my child?’. (long pause) Didn’t happen in the end. We had to let him go, he was rubbish. He was rubbish!”

And, for some additional fun, David Brent's dance-off:

quote of the day (June 18, 2008)

2008-06-18T14:13:00.004-04:00

We here at QOTD are not always the most punctual people. Though overflowing with good intentions (similar to, but not quite the same as overflowing with Good Vibrations. Less cinderblock bench-pressing.), we're often way behind on our to-do list. This can be a problem when you're a few months late for a birthday present, but can be even worse when you're a few months late for a court date.

Anyway, as so many of you have no doubt noticed, we here at QOTD neglected to mention Flag Day this past weekend. To make up for this egregious affront, we would like to both quote and display the most patriotic thing we could find. From It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Charlie (Charlie Day) sings his tribute to America:

"I'm gonna rise up, gonna kick a little ass, gonna kick some ass in the USA. Gonna climb a mountain, gonna sew a flag, gonna fly on an eagle. I'm gonna kick some butt, I'm gonna drive a big truck, I'm gonna rule this world, I'm gonna kick some ass, I'm gonna rise up, I'm gonna kick a little ass. ROCK, FLAG, AND EAGLE."

quote of the day (June 17, 2008)

2008-06-17T16:23:00.006-04:00

From the Not-Making-This-Up file, before we get going. As noted in today's Washington Post humor chat with the sometimes-humorous Gene Weingarten, Bill O'Reilly's forthcoming memoir will be titled A Bold Fresh Piece of Humanity. This title is a perfect anagram for "Shameful Bona-Fide Hypocrite."
Yeah, well, "Keith Olbermann" is an anagram for "Ramble then oink."

Now, staying on the anagram theme, from one of our favorite QOTD movies - 2004's Shaun of the Dead.

"As Mr. Sloan always says, there is no "I" in team, but there is an "I" in pie. And there's an "i" in meat pie. Meat is the anagram of team... I don't know what he's talking about."
--Shaun (Simon Pegg) gives a pep talk to his younger co-workers at the appliance store where he works, just before the town is taken over by hungry zombies.

Hey, zombies. People may taste like pumpkin pie, but I'd never know, 'cause I'd never eat the filthy motherf***ers.

quote of the day (June 16, 2008)

2008-06-16T17:47:00.005-04:00

Well, some big news transpired since the last quote on Friday afternoon. First, a somber rest-in-peace to Tim Russert. He was one of the few political commentators that people of all viewpoints seemed to trust, and he will be missed.

Russert and his low-tech whiteboard, going through voting scenarios during the 2000 election

And if you've ever gotten to see or hear him on a late-night talk show or as a guest on a call-in show, you probably know he also had a wicked sense of humor. From an article in the Cleveland Plain-Dealer, he talked about his time in Cleveland as a law student:
================================================
As a Cleveland-Marshall College of Law student in 1974, Russert attended the infamous "10-cent-beer night" at Cleveland Municipal Stadium that ended in drunken rioting by Indians fans.

"I went with $2 in my pocket," recalls the "Meet the Press" host. "You do the math."
=================================================

And, in more ridiculous news, R. Kelly was acquitted on Friday on all charges from one of the silliest trials ever. Josh Levin of Slate.com has been keeping up with all of the trial's goings-on, and he has this advice for any of our alert readers who are interested in the law:

"The legal lesson here: If your star witness is the kind of character who would have a threesome with R. Kelly, you probably need to find yourself a better star witness."

quote of the day (June 13)

2008-06-13T11:53:00.008-04:00

Before today's quote, I'd like to post a video of an incredible performer we had an opportunity to see last night. We had just planned to see our friend/alert reader Matt Miller's bluegrass band as the opening act, but we were drawn in by the headliner as well. Theresa Andersson is her name - she's a one-woman band who plays several instruments and uses looping equipment to record herself on-stage and create some amazing songs. You can find her tour schedule and other information on her myspace page.

Theresa Andersson plays "Na Na Na" in her kitchen

Anyway, she gets the following award (not for marksmanship):

Now onto the quote, also music-related. From Stephen Frears' excellent movie made from Nick Hornby's excellent book, High Fidelity:

"Uh Rob, thank you for the enthusiastic intro but we are no longer called Sonic Death Monkey. We're on the verge of being Kathleen Turner Overdrive, but this evening we will be known as Barry Jive and the Uptown Five."
--Record-store employee/slacker Barry (Jack Black) introduces his band

Wait, I'm gonna be in The Holiday in a few years? Where was Shallow Hal 2 when I needed it?

quote of the day (June 12, 2008)

2008-06-12T13:48:00.003-04:00

A huge QOTD Welcome to Earth to future alert reader Katherine Amanda Basler, who was born this morning to loving humans John and Beth Basler. Truly excellent news. We can only hope that the Mr. Bananagrabber Saturday morning cartoon show will be on-air when she's old enough.

Now on to our usual brand of ridiculousness:

From the QOTD's favorite TV show, Arrested Development, Michael Bluth (Jason Bateman) tries to talk his grouchy mother Lucille (Jessica Walter) into relaxing at the Bluth family cabin:

Michael: "Maybe you can take a date up there [to the cabin]."

Lucille: "Oh, how am I supposed to find someone willing to go into that musty old claptrap?"

Michael: "..........(stares)..Ohh, the cabin! Yes, well, that would be difficult too."

quote of the day (April 11, 2008)

2008-06-11T11:56:00.005-04:00

A quick welcome to any new readers to QOTD who were guilted into visiting by my plaintive email. A quick tribute to our regular readers ("there are dozen of you! dozen!).

And now onto today's quotes - a Fred Willard retrospective. Quotes from some of his best performances, all of them from Christopher Guest movies...

1984's This Is Spinal Tap:

"May I start by saying how thrilled we are to have you here. We are such fans of your music and all of your records. I'm not speaking of yours personally, but the whole genre of the rock and roll."
--Lt. Hookstratten (Willard) welcomes Spinal Tap, Britain's Loudest Band, to the Lindberg Air Force Base

1996's Waiting for Guffman:

"We consider ourselves bi-costal if you consider the Mississippi River one of the coasts."
--Blaine, Missouri's biggest actor, Ron Albertson (Willard), discussing his dual life as an extra in Hollywood and a travel agent in Blaine

2000's Best in Show:

"Doctor, question that's always bothered me and a lot of people: Mayflower, combined with Philadelphia - a no-brainer, right? Cause this is where the Mayflower landed. Not so. It turns out Columbus actually set foot somewhere down in the West Indies. Little known fact."
--Empty-headed dog show commentator Buck Laughlin discusses the origins of the Mayflower Dog Show

2003's A Mighty Wind:

"Hey, where's the real mayor, wha' happened? Somebody shot the mayor, but they did not shoot the deputy."
--Blowhard Mike LaFontaine, manager of the New Main Street Singers and former child star, speaks at a NYC reception for some folk bands hosted by the New York Deputy Mayor