The End of Schadenfreude Week...er...Month (or Go Cardinals!)

Tonight's a grab bag of various baseball-related junk, in honor of QOTD's beloved St. Louis Cardinals' 18th trip to the World Series.


St. Louis Cardinals' record as of first QOTD in 16 months: 79-68. (.537 winning percentage)

St. Louis Cardinals' record since: 18-8. (.692 winning percentage)

Coincidence? Yes, totally.

But to wrap up our long-overdue Schadenfreude posts, we'd like to present this classic from Nyger Morgan on Twitter, posted on September 7 after the Cardinals beat the Milwaukee Brewers:

"Where still n 1st and I hope those crying birds injoy watching tha Crew in tha Playoffs!!! Aaaaahhhh!!!" (sic) Oops. Consider the Birds done watching.


From one genius to another Genius. From today's Onion Sportswire:"Tony LaRussa Proving That You Can Win with an Insane Asshole as Manager"

The never before seen story of Colby Rasmus' exit from the Cardinals!

One final LaRussa note from the great Joe Posnanski, in a tweet referring to the future stinkbomb In Time starring Justin Timberlake, Amanda Seyfried, and Pete Campbell:

"Movie coming out where everyone gets only 25 years to live? Think how mad La Russa's constant pitching changes would make you."

To close, also from Posnanski on his blog, commenting on the ubiquitous (and hideously awful) commercial for AT&T that's been running every half-inning in the MLB Playoffs:

OK, this is the worst commercial on television. The worst. Nothing is even close. Let’s see if we can get this straight: This sad sack guy walks into his wife’s greenhouse to give her the good news that he has gotten some sort of unlimited minutes plan or something. The woman — who remember is in her OWN GREENHOUSE — is furious that he would make such a huge financial commitment without checking with her first, and says, almost certainly for the 1,894,381st time in their marriage, that she should have married John Clark.

The sad sack guy takes this abuse for a few seconds before offering the kicker — he got the unlimited minutes plan for free when he signed up for some unlimited data plan. And this, incredibly, leads to the woman to look at him with newfound respect, rather than leading her to say, “How much did that unlimited data plan cost? How about asking your wife? I should have married John Clark.”

I have never seen two less likable people in one commercial. The man looks like the sort of guy who would break your lawn mower and keep promising to pay you for the repairs. The woman makes Nurse Ratched look like Florence Nightingale.* They obviously hate each other, and have for a long time. You imagine that even their kids hope they finally divorce.

*Hey: 1970s movies reference plus British military health care reformer equals comedy gold!

And how is this supposed to make us in any way want to go with this phone plan? No idea. It’s pretty clear that there’s only one winner in this whole commercial. And that winner is: John Clark.

Awesome. And Go Cardinals!

We get knocked down, but we get up again...

We're disingenuous here at QOTD. So even though Schadenfreude Week technically started last week, we didn't technically say that it was going to be one contiguous 7-day period. So on we go!

We've covered some bad movies, some bad TV, and some bad movies and TV starring Hulk Hogan. But as anyone who's listened to the radio since - well - ever knows, popular music has long been pretty awful.

The miles-long list of especially questionable number one hits in the U.S. include stinkbombs like "Have You Ever Really Loved a Woman" (by the detestable Bryan Adams), "Macarena" (14!! weeks at Number 1 in 1996) by Los Del Rio, "Batdance" by Prince, "In the Year 2525" by Zager and Evans, and "Jingle Jangle Jingle" by Kay Kyser (yeah, we don't know this one either).

You will see no denigration of Ms. Katy Perry on these pages - both because the Official Wife of QOTD loves her, and because we love her HUGE...talent. (apologies to Monty Python)

We referred to this band in an earlier post last year, but no discussion of silly music would be complete without an appearance from the ultra-ridiculous Freddie
and the Dreamers. Below, their number one hit from 1965 (amazingly knocking The Supremes' far superior "Stop! In the Name of Love" out of that spot) "I'm Telling You Now":

Next season, on So You Think You Can Dance...

This sets up today's quote from the legendary rock critic Lester Bangs, in the Rolling Stone History of Rock n' Roll:

"... Freddie and the Dreamers [had] no masterpiece but a plentitude of talentless idiocy and enough persistence to get four albums and one film soundtrack released ... the Dreamers looked as thuggish as Freddie looked dippy ... Freddie and the Dreamers represented a triumph of rock as cretinous swill, and as such should be not only respected, but given their place in history."

Amen.

I'd rather...I'd rather...just sing!

Like Prince Herbert from Monty Python and the Holy Grail, sometimes we here at the QOTD bureau are known to just belt out a tune in the middle of doing something else. Off-putting? Sure. We're much less likely to angry dance, like Bret:



But sometimes you've just gotta sing. Speaking of which, tonight at Loft 1523, the last ever karaoke night. You know where to find us. (which, given our average daily hit rate is like 10 people, I'm guessing we won't be seeing anyone extra this evening. The saddest thing about that is that we averaged significantly more visitors when we took a year and a half off blogging. This is like land that loses value when you build a house on it. QOTD: It's fantastic!)

Anyway, back to the singing stuff. Since it's Day 3 of Schadenfreude Week - we're going to delve into the glories of two shows that died way too young (for those of us who like terrible tv shows). Musical theatre + dramatic television = together at last in the form of 1990's Cop Rock and 2007's Viva Laughlin.

The oft-mocked Cop Rock was a Steven Bochco production (Hill Street Blues, NYPD Blue) that featured musical segments interspersed between police drama. The ridiculous name probably brought a lot of the ridicule the show faced, but not as much as segments like this, from the pilot episode, when the jury (spoiler alert!) finds the defendent guilty. In gospel choir-style.



QOTD would like to remind its alert readers that ELEVEN episodes of this show aired on network tv, back when people still watched network tv. Today, Cop Rock might be cancelled at the first commercial break.

Learning nothing from this humiliation, Hugh Jackman and company tried another musical drama called Viva Laughlin. This show lasted an entire 2 episodes (1 in Jackman's native Australia) before the merciful end, proving Dr. Cox from Scrubs correct.

If only Professor X could see me now!

For today's quote, Joel McHale from The Soup after Viva Laughlin's untimely demise:

"Sad news. Viva Laughlin, the show that was loved by hundreds, has come to an end after a respectable 2-episode run."

Joel goes on to express his deep sorrow that the show would no longer be around for future segments here:

Say your prayers and take your vitamins...

It's day two of Schadenfreude Week, and when it comes to substandard movies and television, Hulk Hogan is the world heavyweight champion, with such credits as Suburban Commando, Mr. Nanny and 3 Ninjas: High Noon at Mega Mountain under his (WWE title) belt. Of course, all of these bombs are balanced out by his Emmy-winning performance as Hurricane Spencer in the award-winning Thunder in Paradise. We are contractually obligated to post the brilliant opening sequence below. Slice up a lime, crack open a beer and enjoy.

James Cameron wishes he had a special effects budget like this!

But since we're in Schadenfreude Week, we're going to focus on the Hulkster's 1996 gem, Santa with Muscles, which rates a robust #61 on the bottom 100 movies on imdb.com (only 6 spots ahead of yesterday's QOTD inspiration Bucky Larson. Hulk had to be at his movie-killing best to overpower appearances by the likes of Mila Kunis (2 years before That 70's Show, and only one year before her star turn on Walker, Texas Ranger!), Clint Howard, and Ed Begley, Jr. (aka Stan Sitwell).

Quick plot synopsis from IMDB: "An evil millionaire (Hulk Hogan) gets amnesia and then belives that he is Santa Claus." Unfortunately, as a millionaire, Hulk's character had at least 5 times more money than Santa with Muscles grossed in the theatres. I'm sure it was big on VHS, though.

It's hard to imagine that things went off the rails with quotes like the following:

"Santa, you sleigh me!"
--Dr. Blight (Steve Valentine) to Santa (Hulk Hogan).

QOTD note for aspiring screenwriters: the use of homophones, like "slay" and "sleigh" for a pun-related joke tends not to work when said aloud, as the joke generally relies on the viewer/listener to understand that you're using the homophone. Similarly, please don't create characters who do nothing but make puns on their name. For examples, please see every line spoken by Arnold Schwarzenegger in Batman & Robin:



Anyway, feel free to add Santa with Muscles to your Netflix (er, Qwikster) queue. You'll want to get it in there now so it will arrive by Christmas. Or Kwanzaa. Or at least by Wrestlemania.

Schadenfreude Week!

Long-time readers of QOTD (is there another kind?) know that we often enjoy a nice wallow in the misery of others. Specifically the makers of really bad entertainment. This song from the Broadway show Avenue Q pretty much sums up our feelings on the subject. (note: you may want to take Dramamine if you're planning on watching this - the camerawork is pretty Cloverfield)



Since we're always excited to spend some time reviewing crap in pop culture, we thought we'd go ahead and dedicate this second week of our return to focusing on some junk - present and past.

Behold, the Citizen Kane for a new generation!

Recently, a historic film ("an historic film" to our British friends) was foisted upon the unsuspecting movie-going public. This quality pic came from the esteemed Happy Madison production company, whose previous efforts Zookeeper and Just Go With It scored 14% and 20% positive reviews according to Rotten Tomatoes. This movie, Bucky Larson: Born to be a Star has a record-tying Rotten Tomatoes score of 0%. That means that they couldn't find one blogger/reviewer willing to provide a positive review in return for an autographed Mr. Deeds poster. Not only were the overall ratings universally negative, but the average reviewer rating was 1.6 out of 10. Truly an amazing display of putridity, and one that makes us wish we were strong enough to sit through it. Apparently the story of an imbecilic, buck-toothed Iowan who dreams of being a porn star, though a very common tale, is not the Oscar fare you'd think. It's directed by Tom Brady, by the way (not making this up). Though it's probably not the Patriots quarterback with the flowing locks and the supermodel wife, we're going to go ahead and pretend it is anyway. Because we hate the cheating Patriots.


Bieber lookalike AND Bucky Larson director? Way more impressive than those 900 yards of passing this season...

So, for your reading pleasure, some reviews of this quality entertainment:

First, from Grantland.com, Dan Kois' Razzie Award watch column, dedicated to predicting the winners of the Razzie awards, claims that Bucky Larson is a runaway favorite for Worst Movie. From his article:

"Here are 10 scenes that tell us Bucky Larson has the right mix of no-good awfulness and mortifying stupidity and B-list actors doing far from their best work to become a Razzie champ.

1. The scene in which a guy smears peanut butter on his genitals and has his pet goat lick it off. (Note: This is the first scene of the movie.)"

Andrew Barker, from Variety writes: "Adam Sandler's Happy Madison production shingle often alternates between the star's own, bigger-budgeted vehicles and decidedly downmarket pics featuring his buddies. The latter category reaches an almost impossibly low nadir with the Nick Swardson-starring porn-industry comedy "Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star," one of the most astonishingly unfunny films of this or any other year."

"This may be the worst movie Pauly Shore has ever been in. Think about that. If you dare, go on Netflix and test the hypothesis."
--A.O. Scott from the New York Times

"This movie is taking poorly written stabs at all kinds of different communities without showing any affection for any of them. The best kind of comedy comes from even the smallest amount of endearment, and this movie has none, leaving it a black smoking crater of bad, unfunny juju."
--Grae Drake from Movies.com

Summing things up is Matt Singer from Time Out New York:

"Every paid admission should include a T-shirt that reads, i saw bucky larson and all i got was this dead feeling inside."

QOTD would wear that t-shirt.

Send lawyers, guns and money...

Lawyers take a lot of grief. Everyone's heard the jokes (Q: If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him? A: It might be your bicycle. Q: Why do they bury lawyers under 20 feet of dirt? A: Because deep down, they're really good people. etc, etc). We here at the QOTD Bureau are here to stand up for our attorney friends, by going through a list of our favorite members of the legal profession.

Because our research interns are taking time off for Fall Hat Month, we're sure we're missing a few people here. Some lawyers we did NOT miss: Elle Woods (Reese Witherspoon makes our head hurt), Denny Crane (we watched zero episodes of The Practice), Ally McBeal (we preferred the guy from Ghostbusters 2 in that show), and Matlock (it's after Labor Day, friend).

So that opening out of the way, on to our list of our favorite 15 lawyers of all time:

15. Adam Schiff



Though Jack McCoy and Benjamin Stone got more of the attention, the eternally cranky DA makes all those TNT Law & Order marathons worthwhile.

14. Johnnie Cochran (the South Park version)


The real-life Johnnie Cochran might have helped OJ get away with murder with his "if the gloves don't fit, you must acquit" line. But that defense pales in comparison to the Chewbacca defense, which is so powerful that it has its own wikipedia page and is required study in first year law schools all across the land.

13. Atticus Finch



A stand-up dude.

12. That girl from J.A.G.



Okay, so we actually never saw J.A.G.. Nor do we know anyone else who's seen it. But we're pretty sure she was a pretty awesome lawyer. Or something.

11. Tom Hagen



As Don Corleone's right-hand man , he served as the voice of reason but wielded great power. Just like the role Andy Richter plays for Conan O'Brien.

10. Clair Huxtable



Who doesn't love Mrs. Huxtable? And she put up with those sweaters (and presumably lots of Jello pudding pops).

9. Vincent Gambini (Jerry Gallo/Callow)



Vinny's opening statement: "Uh... everything that guy just said is bullshit... Thank you."

8. All attorneys and the judge involved in the court case featured in The Rural Juror, the famous Kevin Grisham novel.

(not pictured)

7. Lt. Sam Weinberg



Another well-known second banana (potentially third, depending on your opinion of Lt. Commander Jo Gallo and her strenuous objections), he stands up for Pvt. Santiago, he gives Lt. Kaffee the "every day of the week and twice on Sunday" pep talk, and he's actually shorter than Tom Cruise, which probably played a huge role in his casting. Not to mention the fact that his role was played on the stage by Official Brother of QOTD, Kevin Doll. Plenty to make it onto this list.


6. Harvey Birdman



Just a great show. And his character is voiced by Bill Lumbergh. Yeaahhhhhh.

5. Punitive Damages



Punitive Damages, Javad Khazaeli's attorney/rapper alter-ego. Best known for his platinum album "Kickin' It in My Legal Briefs". Currently touring Dubai with Gröûp X: Arabian Rap Sensations.

4. Lionel Hutz



The Simpson family lawyer, who sometimes practices out of the "I Can't Believe It's a Law Firm" mall storefront. He also won a case against an all-you-can-eat buffet on Homer's behalf, calling it "the most blatant case of false advertising since The Never Ending Story". That rhetoric is almost as powerful as the Chewbacca defense.

3. Barry Zuckercorn / Wayne Jarvis / Bob Loblaw

The Arrested Development lawyers were, in order, very good, professional, and no hablo espanol. Zuckercorn had the most screen time, having anonymous rest stop sex, not reading pleas, extolling the virtues of Burger King, and even jumping a shark. Jarvis even hid professionally. And Bob Loblaw? Not only did he write the Bob Loblaw Law Blog, but he had one of the best legal commericals of all time:



2. Ed Stevens



The world's preeminent bowling alley attorney and founder of the Festival of Ducks, Ed Stevens was the linchpin (along with Dr. Jerome) of the heavily underrated early 2000s show Ed.

1. Katie Doll

Official Sister of QOTD just passed the bar this week, providing the inspiration for this post. Huge congratulations to her!

Now to the quote:

"I strenuously object?" Is that how it works? Hm? "Objection." "Overruled." "Oh, no, no, no. No, I STRENUOUSLY object." "Oh. Well, if you strenuously object then I should take some time to reconsider."

--Lt. Sam Weinberg, finding fault with Lt. Cmdr. Jo Galloway's objection style in A Few Good Men

With so much drama in the C-L-T...

Vague Snoop Dogg references in our post title aside (Snoop Dogg. You know. The tall black guy from that one Katy Perry song), we've recently been inspired to actually post something new on our long-ignored blog.

One of the fun things about starting this again is revisiting some of our old favorite sources of inspiration. (she's blind! but she can sculpt a head that looks almost nothing like Lionel Richie! wait, that's probably what we would've expected.) Oh yeah, inspiration. Checked out the Comics Curmudgeon for the first time in a couple of years, and found this delicious post, including a winner from Mark Trail, QOTD's favorite ass-kicking naturalist.

He's so bad-ass he exclaims everything he says - even when being attacked by a goose in the strip below (unlike Fabio, who probably just wept gently, when hit by a bird).

Periods are for weaker men.

As much as we love Mark Trail, that's how much we grew to hate Entourage after about the second season. Since the show mercifully wrapped up its run on HBO this past weekend, we figured we'd pay our respects. What will we do now that it's not on the air? Where will we get our fill of over-privileged, unlikable douche-helmets where there are no consequences for any of their actions? It's like Jersey Shore with less fighting. If only a gaggle of geese would go all Mark Trail on their asses. With an exclamation point, no doubt.

This CollegeHumor video so aptly satirizes Entourage's pitiful "dramatic situations" that I might as well just let it speak for itself. If only they'd had someone 2 feet shorter playing tough guy E, who was always the most excruciating of the bunch.

Now for today's quote, from our friend Sterling Archer, who could teach Bank of America management how to motivate an employee:

Archer: "Stop. Shut up. I have to go, and If I find one single dog hair when I get back, I'll... rub sand in your dead little eyes."
Woodhouse: "Very good, Sir."
Archer: "I also need you to go buy sand."
Woodhouse: "Yes, Sir."
Archer: "I don't know if they grade it, but... coarse."

Real new post below, but this is too good...

Coming from Mark Doll, an official uncle of the QOTD Bureau, we present this, without comment, from the great Dolph Lundgren, aka "Sweden's Hugh Jackman" (you can start watching at the 0:55 mark if you'd like. You won't miss anything, unless you speak Swedish):



Alright, now that you've had your day made, continue on down to the post below.

Stache! 'Stache, I love you - but we only have 14 hours to save the earth!

This song is both the inspiration for this post's title, and video of Freddie Mercury's awe-inspiring mustache at the peak of its ability to inspire awe.

We're down to the last 24 hours of this year's mustache adventures, and I've spent the last week ill. I'm fairly sure this is a Tobias Funke graft-versus-host situation. My immune system has been rejecting my mustache. Or my mustache has been holding in the germs. Either way, it's been even more unpleasant than usual over the last week.

Tomorrow night (Friday night, February 12, that is. With hundreds, er, dozens, er high single digits of you reading this blog every day, it's tough to know when you're logging on) is the 'Stache Bash, the big finale party being held at Madison's/the Attic in uptown Charlotte. As part of the festivities, the mustached men get into costume to be paraded in front of local news personalities to judged on quality of 'stache and quality of costume. It's like a Mr. Mustached Charlotte pageant, but I get awarded no points for my talent of doing a Michael McDonald impersonation. Alas. And my GVH affliction has left a little short on the costume front, too. But rather than get too angry about my situation, I choose to make like the aforementioned Mike McD and get smoooooth:

Yacht Rock - it's all-out smooooooth...


If you can join us for the big party, come on out. If you can't, but want to show just how smooth you are, throw some money the kids' way before the Mustache month ends.

For a final push, we're going to quote our own blog (hooray for laziness! And chutzpah!) from the day of the November 2008 'Stache Bash, and our take on Isaac Hayes' classic Shaft:

Who's the pasty white guy
who's a sex machine to all the chicks?
'Stache!
You're damn right...

Who is the man
Who would risk his upper lip for his brother man?
'Stache!
Can ya dig it?

Who's the cat who won't cop out
When there's ridicule all about?
'Stache!
Right on

You see, this cat 'Stache is a hairy mutha...
Shut yo' mouth!
But I'm talkin' 'bout 'Stache!
Then we can dig it!

He's a complicated man
But no one understands him like his woman...
'Stache Bash!


a photo from last year's 'Stache Bash, when I went as everyone's favorite Cuban dictator...

A not-safe-for-work video moment

This video is very funny. But don't watch this at work, unless you have a really awesome work environment. Don't say you weren't warned.

Link to an awesome mustache-related video

The video description: The AMI calls beards "The Spousal Compromise" because they assume wimpiness is the only reason a mustache wearer would include a beard on his face. Way to make an ass out of u and me.

Lighting the Traditional Mustache Candle

We here at the QOTD Bureau/Mustache Central strive to be all-inclusive, for people of all races, nationalities and faiths. (and people searching google for "Burt Reynolds big hat funny") That's how we've ended up with visitors from 28 countries in the past month (including 2 visitors from Iran and Denmark - we're HUGE there).

But today we're going to reach into our Catholic background to discuss the similarities of the Advent season to the Mustaches for Kids mustache-growing season. For those who don't know, or slept through their Catholic grade school religion classes, Advent is essentially the four-week preparation for the coming of Christmas. Mustache-growing season is essentially a four-week preparation for the removal of my dilapidated mustache.

Many people use traditional Advent calendars to count down until the big day. And most of the growers are counting down the days until we can shave again (13!).

One of the most common Advent traditions is the Advent wreath:



This wreath contains three purple candles and one pink one. The purple candles represent the 1st, 2nd and 4th Sundays in Advent, and the pink represents the third
Sunday, also known as Gaudete Sunday (meaning "rejoice"). The lighting of the pink candle means that the Advent preparations are more than half over, and Christmas is coming soon. Drawing on this powerful tradition, we here at the QOTD bureau have come up with what we're now calling the Traditional Mustache Wreath.

Behold, the power of Powerpoint + Microsoft Photo Editor - take that, James Cameron!

As you can see, we've made it to week 3, or John Cleese Week. Lighting the traditional Basil Fawlty candle was a major step for us - it means that we're over halfway through growing season - and that Julie, the Official Wife of QOTD will soon be able to be seen with me in public without cringing! Maybe.

In honor of Mr. Cleese, a scene from the great Fawlty Towers where Basil waits on a table of Germans after suffering a head injury:



In other news, at Mustache Checkpoint #2 on Thursday night, I wore my standard costume and was voted the best lookalike for Coach Mike Ditka. It was inevitable when I wore those excellent sunglasses (and started berating bystanders).



Quick fundraising update: We've now raised well over $25,000 as a group, and thanks to all the generous donors, I've raised $942 and counting. If you'd like to donate, visit My Mustaches for Kids Donation Page.

Today's quote is from a 1991 Saturday Night Live sketch, where The Superfans from Chicago discuss some hypothetical athletic contests:

Bob Swerski (George Wendt): "If I may shift gears for a moment gentleman, coach Ditka vs. a hurricane, who would win?"

Todd (Chris Farley), Pat (Mike Myers), Carl (Rob Smigel): "Ditka, Ditka!!"

Bob: "Hold on, Hold on, Hold on. The name of the hurricane is Hurricane Ditka."

Mustaches on Parade!

We're now almost 2 weeks into the invasion of charitable mustaches all over Charlotte, and as a group, we've raised an amazing $21,000 already. I believe I speak for all of my fellow growers when I thank everyone sincerely for donating as it makes all the dubious glances and shaking heads worthwhile.

So for the donation honor roll as of 1/27 at 1:45pm eastern time:
Bruce Affleck, John Borgmeyer, Sierra Cook, Carolyn Cox, Julie Doll, Katie Doll, Kevin Doll, Kurt Doll, Javad Khazaeli, Kim Ochal, Robin Rankin, Christina Spatz and Mariann Witkowski. Thanks for everyone's generosity - my mustache (updated pic coming tomorrow) has now raised $797. Pretty amazing for something I can't even bear to look at in the mirror. To add your name to this illustrious list of heroic individuals, jump to My Donation Page and make a contribution. The kids appreciate it!

In other mustache-related news, QOTD Friend/Fellow Mustache Grower Mike Bufkin has a must-see update to his Wispy Tickler blog. Since we have dozens (literally, two dozens) of average visitors here, we need to drive up his visitor count. Go there now to read it. We'll wait. For you fast readers, here's something to look at while you're waiting for all those slow, hooked on monkey phonics readers to finish up:



Okay, glad that we're all back now. As you might guess, after three years of blogging about mustache-related jokes/references, we're running out of new material. For some reason, while NOT sleeping last night and trying to come up with other pop-culture mustache references, I remembered the great Bullwinkle Show, one of the original cartoons that aimed many of its jokes over the heads of its child viewers, making it a forerunner of later animations like The Simpsons, Shrek and Barney. Despite its comedic brilliance, The Bullwinkle Show was also a forerunner in stigmatizing the proud and dignified mustache. The show regularly ran segments like Rocky and Bullwinkle cartoons (featuring mustachioed villain Boris Badenov), Dudley Do-Right (featuring mustachioed villain Snidely Whiplash), and also Peabody's Improbable History. This segment featured the genius dog Peabody and his pet boy Sherman going back through time to learn about various historical events. And at the end of every episode, there is a messy parade left to be cleaned up by whom? Yes, a hapless janitor with a mustache who appears to reside in his trash can, like Oscar the Grouch. Luckily, he eventually moved out of his trash can and onto stardom in Mythbusters:

Proving that mustached men can rise to great things from humble beginnings!

In my valiant attempt to fix these historical prejudices against the mustache, I realized that it's not enough to send emails with awe-inspiring photos like this one from a M4K event in 11/2008:

See this outfit recreated tonight at the Common House - I didn't spend $5 on it at the Salvation Army NOT to wear it every year!

No - pictures and blog posts are clearly not enough to face back this rising tide. I need to take this show on the road! Next week, my 'stache will take its first ever road trip - heading to St. Louis, home of the American Mustache Institute, the St. Louis Cardinals, who grew mustaches as a team last season, and the Gateway Arch, the world's largest mustache. So St. Louisans, ice down some Busch Light and get ready for some good times. More to come.

To close for today, we'll tie up our earlier conversation about Rocky and Bullwinkle with last week's conversation about our favorite low-rated tv shows. Apparently The Bullwinkle Show had some of the same issues:

Rocky: Bullwinkle, do you know what an A-Bomb is?
Bullwinkle: Sure, a bomb is what some people call our show.
Rocky: I don't think that's very funny.
Bullwinkle: Neither do they apparently.

Out of hiding! (only 19 days to go!)

We're 10 days into 2010 Mustache Season, and the mustache has recently come out of Hibernation - we spent the first 6 days growing a full, Billy Mays-style (R.I.P.) playoff beard for our floor hockey playoffs. As one of the less-skilled players in a league where fighting is frowned upon, I had to do something special to pull my weight. I've been relegated to playing floor hockey because of my very substandard skating ability. I can't turn and I can't skate backwards, but I can go forward at a high-rate of speed until stopped by the boards or someone getting in my way. (This would make me an excellent forechecker--very persistent, but fairly ineffective. So floor hockey it is.)

So yes, putting on the foil is much less effective when you can't go all Hanson brothers in the floor hockey league (not THESE Hanson brothers. THOSE Hanson brothers) Our team, inspired by my beard, went on to buck the odds and win Lord Stanley's Cup. Which, in this case, means crappy black t-shirts.

Tastes like adult intramural victory.

But after that big victory and the ensuing celebratory parade (me walking through my garage), we eliminated the Billy Mays and are now looking much more like Adam Morrison.

Perhaps if this picture hadn't been taken 3 minutes after I'd gotten out of bed, we would look more alike.

Now HERE's two handsome guys that look alike!

In honor of the late great Billy Mays, we have a pitch for you, dear reader. Our mustache growing benefits projects in underfunded public schools - and if you'd like to support our shady-looking semi-'stache, you can go to My Mustache Giving Page to doante. Everything is tax-deductible and every little bit helps.

Now we'll leave you with a couple of classy youtube links. First, alert reader (and Official QOTD uncle) Mark Doll sent along this link of the 100 cheesiest movie quotes. It's definitely worth a watch, even though we're aghast at the inclusion of both Samuel L. Jackson's Snakes on a Plane quote and Rowdy Roddy Piper's classic "I have come here to chew bubblegum and kick ass... and I'm all out of bubblegum" quote from They Live.

They did not have anything from Gymkata, an old QOTD favorite, so we'll again link to the best scene in this movie, and potentially in cinematic history. No explanation necessary, but viewing is required:



Thanks to everyone for reading and donating. And as always, if you find yourself in trouble, head straight for the village pommel horse!

Tired Ground

So here we are again. Writing can be a lonely business, and it can be very difficult to come up with fresh material. Every writer has their fallback topic. Dave Barry has his booger jokes, James Cameron has his stilted dialogue and third-grade-level plots covered up by amazing technology-driven effects and William Forrester has his you’re the man, now, dogs. Well, we here at QOTD/Mustache Central have two main topics that seem to be the focus of most of our posts.

George Lucas can't believe James Cameron's stealing his thunder...

First, there is the fact that we almost never update this thing, causing riots outside the QOTD bureau like Lane Kiffin’s departure from Tennessee. Second, that every year, we are involved in Mustaches for Kids – Charlotte, a sacrificial donation of upper-lip real estate to the cause of helping fund projects in schools around Charlotte. Luckily, since we haven’t posted anything since late September and today marks Shaving Day, the first day of 2010 Mustaches for Kids, we can lean on both of our fallback topics. Reader-unfriendly repetition 1, Creativity 0.

So it’s Mustache season again, when we make like a 70’s cop (minus the authoritah) and raise money for DonorsChoose. It’s a great organization, but we’re not super-excited to be sporting our juvenile delinquent-looking mustaches around town for the next few weeks.

We are excited for you to donate money to our fine cause, but we’ll save the pitch for a later date, when we’ve proven that we’ll actually update this blog every once in a while. Since we’re not thrilled about our future ‘staches, we’ll move on to a list of things we ARE excitable boys about here at the QOTD Bureau.

Excitable blog, they all said!

1. NBC looking like colossal idiots over this late night stuff. They really couldn’t have handled this any worse. Jay Leno is also looking like a backstabbing SOB (as well as the painfully unfunny hack he always looks like) by throwing Conan under the bus to get his old, lame show back.

2. Muse. Like everything else, we were late to this party, but have been listening to the last two albums quite a bit. Have also enjoyed watching their concert clips – and watching them live when they opened for U2 in October. They're truly excellent live, and also happen to have some of the most ridiculous lyrics of all time – as if the text from a crazy conspiracy theorist website was set to the music from Queen's "A Night at the Opera", but they’re awfully fun to listen to.
This is either one of the hardest songs in Guitar Hero history, or the drug-addled ravings of the guy under the overpass. You decide.

3. Talking about the past.

4. Better Off Ted – alongside Modern Family, the best comedy on TV, and yet no one seems to watch it. Unfortunately, QOTD’s comedy approval is often the kiss of death, as we’re on-board with the kind of quirky humor that doesn’t fly with the masses (ahem, Jay Leno fans). Ted could be joining QOTD faves Arrested Development, Pushing Daisies, and Andy Barker, P.I., as comedies that were great but never caught on with a wider audience.
This is how we here at QOTD feel about you, our loyal and loved reader.

5. Our fighting Charlotte Bobcats. 14-4 at home. We will focus on the positive and not mention their record away from Charlotte.

6. The QOTD Bureau's new snuggie. While it's not may not be as life-changing as The Wearable Towel, it's been pretty handy around the house with the freezing temperatures.

7. Clearly, we're already reaching, so we're going to leave #7 blank.

8. That's it. We don't want to use all of our material on our first post - so we'll be back soon with more mustachey goodness. As always, pictures will be added as the sketchiness grows. So onto the first quote of the day for 2010:

From last night's monologue on The Tonight Show:

“And I just want to say to the kids out there watching: You can do anything you want in life. Unless Jay Leno wants to do it, too." --Conan O'Brien

Quote of the Day (September 23, 2009); one more and it's officially a posting streak!

So we're back for a second day in a row. This is going to be a shorter, more standard post. Maybe if we don't aim for long, drawn-out posts, we'll actually update this thing from time to time.

Anyway, tonight the entire QOTD bureau were out living it up at a birthday party for a 1 year old. Besides being generally adorable (and lethal to the structural integrity of his birthday cake), he got some tremendous birthday presents, including something awesome called Counting Maracas. Multiculturalism and numbers, together at last. As a society, we're seriously getting close to Hooked on Monkey Fonics:



Speaking of birthdays, I would like to lament in print (well, if you print this blog post out, it will be in print. Go ahead. I'll wait.) the passing of the greatest greeting card company ever, Squibnocket Cards. It was the card of choice here at QOTD, and we would distribute them for any occasion that called for a card (um, birthdays). Our favorite gift store, Paper Skyscraper (PLUG!) here in Charlotte used to carry them. I've always believed in the omnipotence of the internet, but apparently it's too much to ask to find an image of the love card that starts, "Here I am, rock me like a hurricane is just my way of saying we should probably go out sometime." It goes on to be even more awesome. Since I can't find that one, this one will have to do. Consider it your reward for a job well done:

Now that Squibnocket is out of business, I guess it's back to Garfield cards for us. I hear he hates Mondays, but loves lasagna! Comedy gold!

Anyway, onto today's quote, from the early standup of one of our favorites, Norm MacDonald:

"I used to be in good shape, when I was younger. Ah man, I looked good back then. You should've seen me back when I was like...one. That's when I looked good. One. Oh man, I was young and fresh. I could show you pictures of me from back then, and you wouldn't recognize me. I've gone to hell. Hell in a handbasket as my great uncle would say. I even looked good for my age then. People would come up to me and say, 'What are you, zero?' And I'd say, no, 'I'm one over here.' And they'd say, 'You don't look a day over zero.' And I'd say, 'No, I must insist, I'm one.'"