quote of the day (May 29, 2008)

Buster loves juice. And those aren't cops. They're strippers. Look how hot they are!

It's alert reader Michael "Mike" Bufkin's 30th birthday today, so we'd like to dedicate today's quote to him. Also, this should be a good sense for what his birthday party is going to be like tomorrow night. From Arrested Development and GOB's bachelor party:


Michael: "There's more to life than strippers and booze and buckets of blood. Why do you guys have buckets of blood?"
Gob: "It's not real blood. It's corn syrup and red dye... juice."
Buster: "There's unlimited juice? This party is gonna be off the hook!"



And, just for fun...Michael and women? A-coodle-doodle-doo...

quote of the day (May 28, 2008)

"Hello, babies. Welcome to Earth. It's hot in the summer and cold in the winter. It's round and wet and crowded. At the outside, babies, you've got about a hundred years here. There's only one rule that I know of, babies -- God damn it, you've got to be kind."

--the late, great Kurt Vonnegut, from his novel God Bless You, Mr. Rosewater (or Pearls Before Swine)

quote of the day (May 27, 2008)

"However, part of me missed the bygone era of country line dancing, which nobody seems to do anymore. It always fascinated me that the people who liked George Strait and Billy Ray Cyrus were equally enamored with linear, highly structured dance choreography that offered no spontaneity whatsoever. Line dancing reminds me of the way Great Britain used to fight land wars."

--Chuck Klosterman, in his 2005 book Killing Yourself to Live. We here at QOTD always thought that line dancers looked more like the aliens from Space Invaders, except without the fun of getting to shoot them with lasers. (EDITOR'S NOTE: We do not condone shooting line dancers. Some of our best friends are line dancers. Like Jane Searson. You are welcome to point and laugh at their ridiculous hats, however. Just no lasers.)

quote of the day (May 23, 2008)

To wrap up our week of bad movies, we're going to start with a fresh one. We took a QOTD Bureau field trip to see Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull last evening, which was fun, but had a very underwhelming plot, especially given the fact that they had 20 years to come up with one. As the credits began to roll at the end of the movie, here was alert reader Mike Bufkin's comment:

"Okay. If we leave now and drive straight-through, we can be at the Skywalker Ranch in four days to kill George Lucas." (Lucas wrote the story for this movie)

If only the South Park kids had gotten to George Lucas first. But hey, at least there's no Jar-Jar in the new Indiana Jones movie...


But that's really just a preamble. Today's real exchange is from the greatest segment of late-night talk show we've ever seen. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien on December 15, 1997, the ever-perky Courtney Thorne-Smith discussed how she left Melrose Place to make a movie with the unfortunate Carrot Top. Norm MacDonald had been the previous guest, and was sitting in the chair next to Courtney, off-screen.

CONAN (to Courtney): "So, what's this new movie going to be called?"

NORM (interrupting): "I know what it's going to be called! If it's got Carrot Top in it, you know what a good name for it would be?"

CONAN: "What's that, Norm?"

NORM: "Box office poison!" (crowd laughter and applause)

CONAN: "All right. There's the 2-hour finale of Melrose Place. There's this movie coming out, title undetermined at this point..."

COURTNEY: "Chairman of the Board."

CONAN: "Oh, alright. (to Norm) Do something with that, you freak!"

NORM: "I bet 'bored' is spelled B-O-R-E-D." (huge laughter/applause)

Oh no! More GINGERS!

quote of the day (May 22, 2008)

Sometimes we in the quoting business get lucky, and end up with great quotes popping up and fitting right in with our current theme. So, to go with the rest of our week's work, we have quotes from the trial of R. Kelly. There's even a reference to an indisputably bad movie. And an indisputably bad singer. Can it get any better?

(These can be found at Slate Magazine in a larger article called, "Dispatches from the R. Kelly Trial.")

"If the defense is to be believed, Kelly is looking at someone other than himself [on the sex tape showing in the courtroom]. In the defense's opening statement, Sam Adam Jr. proclaims, "Robert Kelly is not on that tape." I predict that in the decades to come, law schools will teach this as the "Shaggy defense." You allege that I was caught on camera, butt naked, banging on the log cabin floor? It wasn't me." --The article's author, Josh Levin, dissects the defense strategy

"[Defense lawyer] Adam Jr. asks whether [prosecution witness] Jamison has seen a "Waymon Brothers" movie called Little Man. "They took the head of Marlon Waymons and put it on a midget, and it looked real, didn't it?" Adam Jr. exclaims, emphasizing the last two words for maximum "gotcha" effect. Jamison looks at him like he's a lunatic or, at least, an astoundingly bad film critic. "Not reeeally," she says, her voice lilting in disbelief as the courtroom breaks up. Congratulations to the Waymon Brothers: This is the first time Little Man has generated laughter."
--Levin again, on another defense strategy. Maybe next Adam Jr will trot out the Chewbacca defense..."if Chewbacca lives on Endor, you must acquit!"

I might be in Little Man, but at least I'm not in R. Kelly's tape!

quote of the day (May 21, 2008)

In our week of bad movies, we would be remiss if we didn't address two of our favorites - the kind of movies that people pretend to hate, but watch every time they show up on Comedy Central or HBO (No, we're not talking about Rising Sun, Bufkin.)

First, Not Another Teen Movie, which mashes together jokes from just about every teen movie you can think of, from Breakfast Club to Varsity Blues. This quote refers to the standard teen-movie practice of the dubious way they make the lead actresses unattractive before their makeovers (ahem, She's All That):

"No, no, no, no, anyone but her! Not... Janie Briggs! Guys, she's got glasses and a ponytail! Aw, look at that, she's got paint on her overalls, what is that? Guys, there's no way she could be prom queen!"
--Jake Wyler (Chris Evans), referring to the obviously gorgeous Janey Briggs (Chyler Leigh)

Janey Briggs, pre and post-makeover. Which one could be prom queen?


And, second, EuroTrip. Really, this quote could be any of the lyrics from Lustra's "Scottie Doesn't Know" (nicely lipsynched in the movie by a tattooed/pierced Matt Damon). But we'll go a different direction, with a quote that hit a little too close to home for those of us who have experienced the luxury of Europe's youth hostels:

"Hello, and welcome to Amsterdam's finest and most luxurious youth hostel. We feature one medium sized room containing 70 beds which can sleep up to 375 bodies a night. There is no bathroom. Nor is there one nearby. If you do not wish to have your valuables stolen I suggest destroying them or discarding them right now. You can also try hiding your valuables. In your anus. This will deter some but of course not all thieves. Once you are inside, the doors are chained and locked from the outside. They will not be opened again until morning, no matter what. Should a fire occur due to our faulty wiring or, uh, the fireworks factory upstairs you will be incinerated along with the valuables that you have hidden in your anus. Tips are greatly appreciated." --Hostel desk clerk (Joanna Lumley), welcoming visitors

Scottie's gotta go.

quote of the day (May 20, 2008)

Since we featured R. Kelly's "Trapped in the Closet" yesterday, we thought we'd move onto other films that are so awful that they are fun. In this case, these awful films brought out the best in their movie reviewers - here are some great review quotes for some terrible movies, all courtesy of

Ed Wood says, "I don't know what these guys are talking about! I think these movies are fabulous!"

"Why have a plot, characters, dialogue? Maybe the sequel will be called Simplistic: Bullets vs. Humans." --David Hunter, Hollywood Reporter, in his review for Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever (0% positive on the tomato-meter)

"Rarely has a movie that doesn't star Madonna achieved such a skin-crawling mixture of deluded preening and bungled humour." --Liam Lacey, Globe and Mail, in his review for Ben Affleck/Jennifer Lopez stinkbomb Gigli (6% positive on the tomato-meter, one assumes for the fact that Christopher Walken appears in the movie)

"It's a thin, tedious caper only notable for its impressive Outback locations and a cameo from Christopher Walken that proves the word 'no' isn't in his vocabulary."
--Neil Smith, BBC, reviewing Kangaroo Jack (8% positive on the tomato-meter, again probably only for the Walken appearance)

"I would like to tell you this gross-out-on-camera is every bit as bad as its title implies, but that would not be entirely true. It is much, much worse."
--Rex Reed, New York Observer, reviewing vapid mannequin Paris Hilton in The Hottie & the Nottie, (5% positive on the tomato-meter, despite the absence of Christopher Walken)

and finally...
"Makes his previous effort, Delta Farce, seem a classic by comparison."
--Frank Scheck, Hollywood Reporter, reviewing aggressively unfunny Larry the Cable Guy's Witless Protection, (0% positive on the tomato-meter, because Christopher Walken's phone wasn't working that week)

I've got a fever! And the only prescription is a cameo role where I get paid upfront, in cash!

quote of the day (May 19, 2008)

In honor of QOTD Washington, DC bureau chief (and QOTD sargeant-at-arms) Javad Khazaeli, who celebrates his 33rd birthday today, a bit of his favorite song, chapter 4 of the R. Kelly magnum opus, "Trapped in the Closet". We'll pick up the action as R and his lady are already a ways into gettin' it on:

"And thats when I start goin crazy
Like I was tryin to give her a baby
The room feel like its spinnin
We keep turnin and turnin
As if we were in a whirlwind
The way our toes are curlin
The next thing ya know, she starts goin real wild
And screamin my name
Then I said baby, we must slow down
Before I bust a vessel in my brain
And she said please no dont stop
And I said I caught a cramp
And she said please keep on goin
I said my leg is about to crack
Then she cries out
Oh my goodness, I'm about to climax
And I said cool
Climax
Just let go of my leg
She says you're the perfect lover
I said I cant go no futher
Then I flip back the cover
Oh my God, a rubber...(rubber) (rubber)"



AND FURTHER...(not safe for work. or anywhere else, for that matter)...
the R. Kelly full-size action figure. Clothes apparently sold separately!

quote of the day (May 16, 2008)

Well, since we've done such a bad job of keeping this updated during our half-week of vacation, how about a few of Norm MacDonald's best on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update":

"Under a new law passed by the State Assembly, effective next year, Michigan will set aside an allotment of hunting licenses for blind people. This after years of relentless lobbying by deer."

"Against the Jets last week, Buffalo Bills running back Thurman Thomas broke O.J. Simpson's career rushing record. And, the week before, he surpassed Simpson in career touchdowns. Next up for Thomas: an attempt to kill 3 people at once."

"A recent study shows the number of sexually active teenagers is leveling off at 53%. And another study shows the number of teenagers who tell their friends that they're sexually active is holding steady at 100%."

And, finally, I hope Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke pays attention to this dire warning, from a "Weekend Update" in November 1996:

"In economic news, unemployment figures rose slightly for the month of October, with declines in the Dow Jones and NASDAQ. The reason for the sudden downturn? You guessed it - Frank Stallone."

video quote of the day (May 12, 2008)

Well, since we're on vacation and posting from our remote bureau on the Gulf Coast,
we're going to keep this short and sweet.

In honor of Mother's Day, the greatest tribute to moms in history:

Quote of the Day (May 9, 2008)

Well, it's official--QOTD has gone worldwide. Since we re-started this blog, we have had visits from 5 continents (why no love, Africa? Et tu, Antarctica?), 21 countries, and 30 U.S. states (we're apparently not big in the central plains).

Obviously, most of these visits are accidental. Just imagine how sad the people are who found this site when they type "ginger kids website" or "how big is a baby hat" into google.

Anyway, though we love all of our visitors, we were especially excited to get our first visitor from the Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan yesterday! In honor, today's quote are some selected verses from Borat (Sasha Baron Cohen), and his version of the Kazakh national anthem (sung to the tune of the "Star-Spangled Banner"):



Please rise.




"Kazakhstan greatest country in the world.
All other countries are run by little girls.
Kazakhstan number one exporter of potassium.
Other countries have inferior potassium.

Kazakhstan home of Tinshein swimming pool.
It’s length thirty meter and width six meter.
Filtration system a marvel to behold.
It remove 80 percent of human solid waste.

Kazakhstan industry best in world.
We invented toffee and trouser belt.
Kazakhstan’s prostitutes cleanest in the region.
Except of course for Turkmenistan’s."

quote of the day (May 8, 2008)

Potentially the greatest exchange ever on potentially the greatest TV comedy ever.

From Arrested Development, Michael Bluth (Jason Bateman), talks to his brother GOB (Will Arnett) about selling GOB's new boat, The Seaward, as their mother Lucille (Jessica Walter) looks on:

Michael: "GOB, Get rid of the Seaward."
Lucille: "I'll leave when I'm good and ready."
(if that joke doesn't make sense to you, try reading it aloud. And if you still don't think it's funny, maybe this is more your speed.)


Coka, coka coh!

Quote of the Day (May 7, 2008)

As many of my long-time readers know, I'm a bit of a political genius. As just one example of my brilliance, I predicted that John McCain would dominate yesterday's primaries in Indiana and North Carolina. And he did - with 78% of the vote in Indiana and 74% in NC. I just can't figure out why Tim Russert doesn't call me for analysis that insightful.

So, now that we've established my brilliance, on to today's quote from author/humorist Dave Barry, who sums up the difficulty that geniuses like us face:

"I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their respect, they don't even invite me."

Yet another Genius, hard at work

quote of the day (May 6, 2008)

"I never smile if I can help it. Showing your teeth is a submission signal in primates. When someone smiles at me, all I see is a chimpanzee begging for its life."

--Dwight Schrute (Rainn Wilson), in The Office

No doubt this romance started with a smile. (although a kiss is not, in fact, a contract).

quote of the day (May 5, 2008)

On this Cinco de Mayo, we'd also like to wish a belated happy birthday to the Official Girlfriend of QOTD, Julie Roberts, who celebrated her birthday yesterday. In her honor, we've got a very special classroom presentation from young Eric Cartman of South Park, Colorado:

"My speech is entitled "Ginger Kids". Children with red hair, light skin, and freckles. We've all seen them. On the playground, at the store, walking on the streets. They creep us out, and make us sick to our stomachs. I'm talking, of course, about Ginger kids. Ginger kids are born with a disease, which causes very light skin, red hair and freckles.



This disease is called "Gingervitis". Kids who have Gingervitis cannot be cured. Because their skin is so light, Ginger kids must avoid the sun. Some people have red hair, but not light skin and freckles. These people are called daywalkers. In conclusion, I wil leave you with this. If you think that the ginger problem is not a serious one...(he clicks the overhead projector to show some Ginger kids smiling)...think again!"

--Eric Cartman, from the 2005 South Park episode "Ginger Kids"

Quote of the Day (May 2, 2008)

Ahhh...Raising Arizona. One of our favorite movies here at QOTD. I like it so much that I actually made a post about how much I looked like Nicholas Cage's character when I was growing my mustache for charity earlier this year.

One great scene takes place in a small grocery, where ne'er-do-well Evelle Snoats (William Forsythe) is in the process of robbing the kindly grocer(Charles Smith):

Evelle: [picks up a package of balloons] "These blow up into funny shapes and all?"
Grocer: "Well no...unless round is funny."

quote of the day (May 1, 2008)

As North Carolina gets ready to vote next week in a primary that actually matters, we thought it'd be a good chance to check in with the Official Libertarian of QOTD (Libertarian views not necessarily endorsed by this blog), P.J. O'Rourke:

"The Democrats are the party that says government will make you smarter, taller, richer, and remove the crabgrass on your lawn. The Republicans are the party that says government doesn't work and then they get elected and prove it."

Yes, we know this shirt is awful. But it is also very funny.