Tuesday, September 30, 2008

quote of the day (September 30, 2008)

We know that we here at QOTD probably skew male with our postings. Too many sports quotes. Not enough HGTV (or whatever it is you ladies are watching these days). But today, just to prove that we're unafraid of getting in touch with our feminine side, we've got a quote for you from The Devil Wears Prada, where main character Andy Sachs (Anne Hathaway) is having a conversation with her co-worker, Emily (Emily Blunt):

Emily: "Andrea, my God! You look so chic."

Andy: "Oh, thanks. You look so thin."

Emily: "Really? It's for Paris, I'm on this new diet. Well, I don't eat anything and when I feel like I'm about to faint I eat a cube of cheese. I'm just one stomach flu away from my goal weight."

Of course, our motive for quoting that movie MIGHT have been so we could show this picture of the lovely Anne Hathaway, QOTD's favorite female-type celebrity (until any of QOTD's lady readers become famous, because you are, quite frankly, stunning in that outfit!):

And, another show the ladies love is HBO's late, lamented Sex & the City - here's a quote from Season 5:

"People go to casinos for the same reason they go on blind dates: hoping to hit the jackpot. But mostly, you just wind up broke or alone in a bar."
--Carrie Bradshaw (Sarah Jessica Parker) in a voiceover commentary

Though today's post was meant for the ladies, we don't want to scare off the male viewers with pictures of Parker or Kim Catrall (Samantha). Instead, we'll just run with another picture of Ms. Hathaway (who is on Letterman this evening, in case you were wondering):

Monday, September 29, 2008

quote of the day (September 29, 2008): Apocalypse Edition

Well, as we speak (type), the Dow Jones is down about 6% of its total value, soon we will all be depositing our paychecks into accounts at BANK, the last standing bank in the United States, and apparently Clay Aiken is gay. It's like the world is coming to an end.

With all this uncertainty floating around, you're looking for something to help you make it through another day. Well, geez, man, take it easy. This is a QUOTING blog. What the hell did you think we were going to do for you? Just settle down and watch this video from The Lonely Island:

Okay, now that you're feeling a little better, we'll go back to everyone's problems at work. Scott Adams' daily cartoon strip Dilbert probably is a little too close to your office situation. Luckily, we don't much care, so we're going to do a couple of quotes from there, anyway:

"We can't compete on price. We also can't compete on quality, features or service. That leaves fraud, which I'd like you to call marketing."
--The Pointy-Haired Boss gives some instructions to his department that has also worked for Axe Body Spray.

The red Swingline is doubly practical - it serves as a functional and attractive stapler and its red color hides the blood if you're forced to use it to bludgeon your boss to death (bludgeoning not endorsed by QOTD)

"All great ideas look like bad ideas to people who are losers. It's always good to test a new idea with known losers to make sure they don't like it."
--Dogbert gives you some invaluable advice if you're looking to start your own business...

Friday, September 26, 2008

quote of the day (September 26, 2008)

Although we at QOTD are mostly known for our silliness, we have a serious side as well. We want our readers to come away having learned something. So, to that end, here's a verbatim transcript of today's entry on QOTD's Freakonomics desk calendar:

"A recent gang murder in San Diego claimed the life of a man named Dom Perignon Champagne. His mother's name is Perfect Engelberger."

As someone who has had his name mistaken for Cristal champagne on multiple occasions, let this be a QOTD Service Announcement: Don't name your children after champagne. They're likely to end up dead. Or running public service announcements on their widely-ignored blog. Thanks for your time.

Now that we've educated our readers, and even given them a little public service announcement, we can get on to our usual stupidity.

From season one of the US version of The Office, Michael Scott (Steve Carell) talks about his basketball game in one of the better surreal pieces of dialogue ever featured on the show:

"Do I have a nickname on the court? The Answer would be good, but that's taken. I think I would be...The Question. 'The Answer dishes to the Question - Question back to the Answer. Answer to the Question. Answer, three points. Question, six points! Question: who's the best player on the team? Answer: The Question!'"

Thursday, September 25, 2008

quote of the day (September 25, 2008)

We did a bowling quote last Thursday to commemorate the start of the fall season for The Official Bowling Team of QOTD (TOBTQ), Business Time. Since we were off traveling to an out-of-town quoting convention, we missed out on our team's 8-0 evening.

But, to get ourselves fired up for tonight's festivities, we've got a couple of other bowling-related quotes from the only TV show ever to feature a combination bowling alley owner/lawyer, NBC's Ed.

From Phil Stubbs (Michael Ian Black, very famous), one of Ed's employees at the bowling alley:

"I never liked kids. They're like small drunk adults."

And, from a scene when Ed (Tom Cavanaugh) is speaking about being a lawyer to the students in the class of teacher Carol Vessey (Julie Bowen):

Carol: "Does anyone have any questions for Mr. Stevens? Warren?"

Warren Cheswick (Justin Long, the annoying Mac guy from the commercials): "Yeah, I was just wondering, umm... when you invite a client over to your office for the first time, and they see that it's, like... in a bowling alley, or whatever... umm... are they ever, like, 'Thanks, but I think I'm gonna find a lawyer whose office is *not* in a bowling alley,' or..."

Ed: "It happens. Sometimes."

And finally, a clip from the show, showing one of Ed's $10 bets with his best friend, Dr. Mike Burton (Josh Holloway) at the bowling alley. A bonus for St. Louis Rams fans in the QOTD reading audience - the song in the background is Todd Rundgren's "Bang the Drum All Day", which used to play at the Dome when the Rams would score touchdowns. We're not sure anyone knows what they play these days, since the Rams haven't scored a touchdown since 2003. Anyway, the clip:

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

quote of the day (September 24, 2008)

The QOTD is a non-partisan organization. We will not take a public stand on anything political, unless we're quoting Mayors Quimby or McCheese. An example of just how non-partisan we are: the next time one of you knuckleheads "wittily" suggest that you are moving to a foreign country if your presidential candidate loses, you can expect to be wittily kicked in the junk (guys: testicles. gals: ovaries).

My friend? My friend? You've been kicked in the nuts.

In fact, if you're so anxious to leave, the QOTD Bureau will happily help your drama-queen ass pack up your belongings. Don't get us wrong - we love traveling and living abroad. This is not to denigrate our wonderful international readers, most of whom have accidentally found this website while searching for "Burt Reynolds big hat funny" (ed: other than the blog title, this is the most-common google search that leads people to this site. true story!). But to everyone that thinks it's some kind of threat when they talk about moving overseas, trust us. We probably won't miss you. (ed note #2: clearly we're not referring to you. You are both riotously funny AND stunningly good-looking. But seriously. Enough with the moving business.)

On a happier political note, when alert reader Mike Bufkin pointed out that NBC News' political expert Chuck Todd is a dead ringer for this blog's namesake, Murray Hewitt(Rhys Darby), band manager for Flight of the Conchords, we were stunned that we hadn't already made the connection:

Murray: Hey, Gingerballs? What, are you going to the dick meeting? Chuck: Present.

It would be so great to have Murray at the NBC news-desk talking about how for McCain to win Florida, he'd need a 90-10 fliparound. Or telling David Gregory that if Obama wanted to improve his polling with working class white voters, he should just grow a goatee.

Or Chuck Todd could manage the Conchords and show powerpoint pie charts about their fanbase's song requests.

The possibilities are endless. But our energy is not. So we're going to leave you with a video quote where Murray gets to sing his own song about his lovely tech-support woman:

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

quote of the day (September 23, 2008)

As the world's financial systems crumble around us, it's always good to take a few moments to reflect on our individual situations and come up with a personal plan to survive these difficult economic times. Or, better yet, we could just look to the advice of steel magnate Herman Blume (Bill Murray) from the movie Rushmore, when he speaks to the students at the Rushmore Academy:

"You guys have it real easy. I never had it like this where I grew up. But I send my kids here because the fact is you go to one of the best schools in the country: Rushmore. Now, for some of you it doesn't matter. You were born rich and you’re going to stay rich. But here's my advice to the rest of you: Take dead aim on the rich boys. Get them in the crosshairs and take them down. Just remember, they can buy anything but they can't buy backbone. Don't let them forget it. Thank you."

And for good measure, our favorite scene from the movie. "Nice nurse's uniform, guy..."

Thursday, September 18, 2008

quote of the day (September 18, 2008)

Today marks the return of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia on F/X. Aggressively offensive? Yes. Very funny? Also, yes. In today's quote, Dennis (Glenn Howerton) and Charlie (Charlie Day) try to get into a locked door:

Charlie: It's locked! All right, let me try this out.
Dennis: What is that, your apartment key? That's not gonna work!
Charlie: Why not?
Dennis: We're not at your apartment, sh**head!
Charlie: Well how many possible lock combinations can there be?
Dennis: Oh, so many, dude, like hundreds of millions.
Charlie: Well eventually they're gonna overlap--
Dennis: They're not ever gonna--
Charlie: You know what, you're right, it's not working.
Dennis: Oh, no sh**.
Charlie: Well it was worth a try!
Dennis: It was not worth a try.

Community service is fun.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

quote of the day (September 17, 2008)

Sorry for our consistent inconsistency. We've been traveling a lot and waylaid by work (egad!). Sadly, we're off again to Dallas tomorrow, which means that we're going to miss Opening Day for QOTD's own bowling team. As all of you already know, Sundays are for bowling, but for those of us on Business Time, we add Thursday to the mix. In honor of the team:

Conditions are perfect for bowling. And beer.

Anyway, as a random study, given QOTD's start as a mustache chronicle and our impending bowling season, we checked out the PBA bowling homepage (sponsored by Denny's, possibly the greatest match between title sponsor and league of all time) to have a look at the roster of professional bowlers. Out of a possible 58 pictured, only 6 sported a stand-alone 'stache (a hit rate of only 7%). That was mind-blowing to me, I would've bet on at least 25%. In fairness, there were some unfortunate goatees and some very strange looking gentlemen. It's a shame that St. Louis' own Pete Weber changed this sexy look:

Oh well. Essentially all of this was just to say that we're sad we're going to miss opening night. So there you go. On topic, today's quote, from The Big Lebowski, when Maude Lebowski (Julianne Moore) asks The Dude (Jeff Bridges) what he does for recreation:

"Oh, the usual. I bowl. Drive around. The occasional acid flashback."

And, in a youtube clip I initially saw on The Squirrel Slayer, a combination of Wii bowling and The Big Lebowski. Amazingly awesome, but the language is definitely unfriendly for work:

Go Business Time.

Friday, September 12, 2008

quote of the day (September 12, 2008)

Two things that everyone loves: late 80's/early 90's pop music and math. So when today's quote of the day combines them, it's going to be SO exciting!

Pie charts have been used for years to simplify seemingly complex issues for slow-witted individuals (not like QOTD readers, who are both intelligent and exceedingly attractive!). Well, what follows are two pie charts that can help boil down some very difficult concepts for any reader. As noted philosopher Eric Cartman once said, "get your bitch ass back in the kitchen and make me some pie (charts)":

Now a quote that has nothing to do with the above pie charts. Or with Rick Astley and Meat Loaf. But we need to get this thing done so we can prepare for our NYC trip, so you're just going to have to live with our jumbled thinking, and this made us laugh. Have a good weekend, and all that...

"I don't kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above globes. They freak out and yell, 'Whoa, I'm way too high!'"
-Bruce Baum, comedian

Thursday, September 11, 2008

quote of the day (September 11, 2008): QOTD goes back to campus...

This entire blog is a purposely silly endeavor, so we'll avoid the temptation to be serious about the 7th anniversary of the September 11 attacks. But suffice it to say that we're all remembering those who were lost that day.

Now on to our regularly-scheduled silliness...this was one of the absolute all-time favorites we ran back in the original QOTD incarnation at Indiana University. It's a humorous take on the college admissions essay written by high school student Hugh Gallagher in 1990. It was written for a Scholastic Books humor contest (it won), but apparently he did actually send this to colleges as well:




I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.

I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat 400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

But I have not yet gone to college.

"Seven years of college down the drain. Might as well join the f***ing Peace Corps." - the future Senator John Blutarski (John Belushi) in Animal House

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

quote of the day (September 10, 2008)

This is this blog's 100th post already. We wish we could have a star-studded musical episode, like many mediocre TV comedies might attempt, but alas, unless we're at karaoke singing Spinal Tap's Big Bottom, we're not much for musical numbers.

Talk about mudflaps, my girl's got 'em!

However, speaking of mediocre comedies, the fifth season of Entourage is back on HBO. This show was funny at one point, but has been painful to watch for at least the last season and a half. Take away Jeremy Piven's frantic agent Ari Gold and his assistant Lloyd (Rex Lee) and you basically have a group of unlikeable douchebags and their uninteresting problems (that all get solved within 30 minutes). Luckily, I got rid of HBO after they lost The Wire, The Sopranos and Deadwood, so I'm never tempted to see if Entourage has ceased sucking.

(ranting is fun.)

So, making another awkward transition, let's remember back to when HBO had truly great shows on its network, like this one:

From HBO's Fraggle Rock, in a quote that could certainly describe today's QOTD:

Mokey Fraggle: "It was rapturous!"
Red Fraggle: "Is "rapturous" the same as "boring"?"
Wembley Fraggle: "I don't think so."
Red Fraggle: "Then she's wrong."

Monday, September 8, 2008

quote of the day (September 9, 2008)

Not all international signs are quite this self-explanatory.

As most of QOTD's eagle-eyed audience has no doubt already realized, there's a new link at the top of our page. Yes - over there - on the right. Mike Klein, friend and occasional reader of QOTD, is taking the next 9 months to walk the Earth, get in adventures, like Caine in Kung Fu. He is detailing his travels in his new blog Send Money Please. It's certainly worth a visit, if for no other reason to see his (very long) flight itinerary.

All this around the world stuff (and my own exceedingly huge dancing talent) certainly puts us in the mind to post a video from "Where the Hell is Matt?". Matt is a guy who travels around the world having footage of him dancing at various world sites. The original video is a lot of fun, but his most recent one embedded below is even better - with people joining him in his dances at every stop.

Anyway, since we're in a global travel sort of mood, we'll do a couple of quotes from author/humorist Dave Barry's Only Travel Guide You'll Ever Need:

"No matter what destination these (travel) books are talking about, they’ll tell you it’s wonderful: “Even the most demanding traveler is bound to feel a warm glow after only a few days in Chernobyl..."

"The first rule of travel finance is that no matter what is going on elsewhere in the world, the dollar is always getting weaker where you are. By the time you’ve spent a couple of days in a foreign country, the natives will be blowing their noses on the dollar."

quote of the day (September 8, 2008)

Today's quote was requested by alert reader John Basler, and though he sent it in, we didn't need much prodding. Those who have known us for more than about 3 weeks have had the brilliance of Mystery Science Theater 3000's epic version of Mitchell:

Mitchell's theme song: Keep your eyeeeeeee on the sammich!

Mitchell stars often-fine actor Joe Don Baker as a chubby, abrasive, perplexed and alcoholic cop who sleeps with hookers when he's not out assaulting civilians and being a rule-breaker! In fairness, the actual theatrical movie makes more sense than the MST3K version, which cut out 30 minutes of the film (though not MUCH more sense).

In one action-packed scene, Mitchell shoots a civilian on a golf course, for no discernible reason, and Crow (one of the Mystery Science Theater robots that comment on the action, had this to say:

Crow: "Daryl Gates on his day off."
Crow [as Golf Sportscaster]: "He's landed just short of the green."

We could do many more quotes from this fine piece of entertainment, but we'll save those for a rainy day. And by "rainy day", we mean "a day when we can't be bothered to think up anything else". QOTD - it's FANTASTIC!

Instead, we'll leave you with this Mitchell user review by a guy named Xploitedyouth from Internet Movie Database:

"While this film is undeniably bad, one can't help but respect the filmmakers for trying something new. Movie cops are usually strong, resourceful, quick-thinking and quick-acting. They don't usually play by the rules, but they get the job done. They're usually played by attractive, young, popular actors that people like, and usually get the classiest ladies. Now, take a look at MITCHELL. MITCHELL stars Joe Don Baker as Mitchell, a cop who fits none of the above, "cookie-cutter" prerequisite stereotypes. Mitchell is fat. Mitchell is sloppy. He's an alcoholic. His apartment is filthy and littered with porn. The only woman he can get is a prostitute, and he treats her like a lowly dog. Mitchell is stupid. He's incompetant. The only way he gets any crimes solved is purely by accident, and because the villains in the movie overestimate him. Joe Don Baker is not a hot young actor. He's not popular and he's not good looking. So, kudos to the filmmakers! Way to break down barriers."

Friday, September 5, 2008

quote of the day (September 5, 2008)

There is a topic in journalism called "burying the lede", whereby a writer begins an article with items of lesser importance while delaying the more interesting pieces of information to later. Since we have the greatest video of all time at the end of today's quote, we could be accused of burying the lede. We prefer to think of it as building to a crescendo.

So let's get the lesser stuff out of the way. From hipster music critic/author Chuck Klosterman, he has a comment on other hipsters that should make alert reader Jane Searson very happy:

"The most wretched people in the world are those who tell you they like every kind of music "except country." People who say that are boorish and pretentious at the same time. All it means is that they've managed to figure out the most rudimentary rule of pop sociology; they know that hipsters gauge the coolness of others by their espoused taste in sound, and they know that hipsters hate modern country music. And they hate it because it speaks to normal people in a tangible, rational manner. Hipsters hate it because they hate Midwesterners, and they hate Southerners, and they hate people with real jobs."

New York gossip blog Gawker.com came up with the ultimate Chuck Klosterman Opinion Generator. Certainly worth looking at if you've ever read his books or essays (click on it to see it more clearly):

Alright. Now onto the headliner. This movie we're linking to is so good, you probably need to sell your car and rent out a movie theater to experience it properly (ahem, propa-ly). It was suggested by infrequent visitor and official mortgage broker of QOTD, Ed Glanz, but we were totally unprepared for its power. Just make sure when you click on it, you give yourself a good 11 minutes to watch. Look for all of the fun athlete cameos during the film (a fun sidenote: how many of them have been accused of or admitted to taking steroids?) and the appearance of Gordon Shumway in the bizarre/unrelated ending to the clip.

The only downside is that the person who posted this clip declined to make it available for embedding - so this will open in a new window. Just be prepared when you click: The greatest 11 minutes of your life

Thursday, September 4, 2008

quote of the day (September 4, 2008)

Two days in a row!! Look out, world!

Denim. It's not just for never-nudes.

Anyway, we realized it's been over two months since we brought you our last Flight of the Conchords quote. And given their recent announcement that their upcoming 10-episode season on HBO will be the end of the show, this seems like as good an excuse as we need to bring you another one.

From one of their live shows, introducing their hip-hop sensation "Hiphopapotamus vs. Rhymenocerous":

"We're Flight of the Conchords, from New Zealand. I dunno if you guys know much about New Zealand, but, uh, a few years ago we invented something we call hip-hop. In 2001. Do you remember when we invented hip-hop that day, with Steve? At the barbecue?"

Band manager Murray (the inspiration for the blog name!) lectures the Conchords about the dangers of New York City after dark...

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

quote of the week (August 27-September 3)

We know we've been especially disappointing over the last week. No new quotes or even anything fun to look at. So here's something fun to look at:

For the gentlemen, the lovely Anna Friel, from one of our favorite returning tv shows, ABC's Pushing Daisies:

And now for the ladies, from Arrested Development, the dapper and charming never-nude, Tobias Fünke:

Now that we've provided some eye candy, onto the quotes, which are all over the map.

This quote came to our attention from DC bureau co-chief Brian Williams (pictured below with his winning entry in the Keith Hernandez look-a-like contest - NOTE: this was NOT done for charity - just for the love of the game).

He sent in a quote from the little-noticed acrimonious split between the Chicago Sun-Times and their former sportswriter/grouchy hack Jay Mariotti. Sun-Times editor Michael Cooke had this to say:

"We wish Jay well and will miss him -- not personally, of course -- but in the sense of noticing he is no longer here, at least for a few days."

And then, onto a movie that QOTD heartily recommends for those of you looking to spend the best 81 minutes you'll have all day, the silly but extremely entertaining documentary, Air Guitar Nation, about the World Air Guitar Championships. There is a lot to use from this movie, but the tagline says it best:

"to err is human; to air guitar, divine."

Due to the anti-fun people at NBC Universal, I can't put a clip of Will Arnett's air guitar rendition of the Law & Order theme song here, but instead, I'll include a clip from one of the documentary's stars, Björn Türoque, as he "plays" Black Sabbath in Chicago:

Finally a skill-set that makes me feel pretty good about being able to pass Guitar Hero on Medium