As we're getting ready for our chance to play baseball this afternoon at Busch Stadium, we've got another day of quotes from a very funny baseball announcer. Today, we feature Hall of Fame broadcaster Bob Uecker. He works for the Milwaukee Brewers, who stubbornly refuse to not suck against the stinking Cubs (see images throughout this post) this week. Maybe they'll be so inspired by their QOTD mention that they'll play better today...
One of Uecker's common themes is his less-than-stellar performance as a player for the Cardinals and Phillies:
"Career highlights? I had two. I got an intentional walk from Sandy Koufax and I got out of a rundown against the Mets."
"I signed with the Milwaukee Braves for $3,000. That bothered my dad at the time because he didn't have that kind of dough. But he eventually scraped it up."
"People don't know this but I helped the Cardinals win the pennant. I came down with hepatitis. The trainer injected me with it."
"One time, I got pulled over at 4 a.m. I was fined $75 for being intoxicated and $400 for being with the Phillies."
So after our short-lived begging for more readers last week, we saw a short-term bump of 50% daily visitors. Sadly any of those new readers who came after Wednesday of last week was stuck looking at that unfortunate Estelle Getty/Marisa Miller mashup (QOTD's $0 software budget doesn't allow for luxuries like Photoshop), since it took us a full week to start quoting again.
Sadly, not one desperate soul fell for the bait and searched on "Jessica Biel naked". Or anyone else naked, for that matter. We're going to have to get a lot more creative to start driving the big numbers and making the large advertising bucks.
But that's for another day.
Since the Quotemaster General has gotten the opportunity to participate in a tryout, er, fantasy camp with the St. Louis Cardinals' Busch Stadium tomorrow afternoon, the attention around QOTD Headquarters is on our nation's pasttime. So, with thanks to alert reader Mike Klein for the suggestion, we're going to run some great baseball announcers' quotes. In honor of the team that's going to allow me to defile their field with flailing attempts to hit a baseball, we'll start with the Cardinals' long-time color commentator Mike Shannon and a few of his all-time classics:
"A hit up the middle right now would be like a nice ham sandwich and a cold, frosty one."
"It's raining like a Chinese fire drill!"
"He ran to second faster than a cat in Chinatown."
"Well, folks, this game began as a tiny worm and is blossoming into a large cobra."
"I've heard it said that if you know English, Spanish, Italian, and I think it's French, you can go just about anywhere in this world...except for China where they have all those derelicts." After broadcast partner Joe Buck suggested that Mike meant 'dialects', here was his response: "Yeah, dialects! That's what I mean. But they've got a lot of derelicts too!!"
Here you see some Chinese derelicts, preparing to knock over a local liquor store.
Since July 21 is almost over, how about a quickie for today (Michael Scott: "That's what she said.")...but don't fret, we have some bigger things planned for tomorrow.
A few bits from off-beat comedian (and keytar player in the Crazy Dogggz) Demetri Martin:
"I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed because I thought, 'Damn, I'm less nurturing than a desert.'"
"A lot of people don't like bumper stickers. I don't mind bumper stickers. To me a bumper sticker is a shortcut. It's like a little sign that says 'Hey, let's never hang out."
"If I ever saw an amputee being hanged, I would just yell out letters."
Oh, crap. Another game that I can only beat on the medium level.
First, on a somber note, the great former St. Louis Steamer (professional indoor soccer) goalkeeper Slobo Ilijevski passed away at the age of 58 from a ruptured aorta. Bad times. He once was the featured pep rally speaker at the Official High School of QOTD, St. Louis U. High when alert reader Kevin Doll was in school there. He remembers the gist of a part of Slobo's speech (paraphrased. the last line is a direct quote):
"When I was in America for the first time, my visa was running out, I had failed in earlier tryouts and I had one more chance. I did not have money, but I did have just enough to buy cookie!...I love cookies!" (students give him a standing ovation)
As a happier transition to the next quote, here is the greatest soccer-related piece of humor in the history of mankind. It helps if you have a working knowledge of philosophy and of soccer. From Monty Python, "International Philosophy":
"And Marx claims that it was offsides." Best. Line. Ever.
So as promised above, here's a much happier quote to start your weekend off, assuming you're not actually Dwight Schrute, whose choices of girlfriends has always been a little questionable...
"I've been doing surveilance for years. One time I suspected my girlfriend was cheating on me, so I tailed her for six straight nights. Turns out she was. A couple of guys, actually."
--Dwight Schrute (Rainn Wilson) discusses his credentials as a private eye
As it is the birthday of one of the founding members of QOTD, we choose to celebrate by not thinking much about today's offering, making it a mishmash of things that make us laugh but don't particularly belong together.
After all, as author/humorist Dave Barry once said in his book Dave Barry Turns 50:
"There comes a time when you should stop expecting people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven."
So, on that note - hopefully we'll be seeing you out at The Gin Mill in South End this evening. I'll be the guy in a cape.
And, as promised (as recently as 6 sentences ago), here's another quote that made us laugh out loud. From the New York Times Magazine's excellent profile of Rush Limbaugh, written by Zev Chafets:
At dinner the night before, Bill O’Reilly’s name came up, and Limbaugh expressed his opinion of the Fox cable king. He hadn’t been sure at the time that he wanted it on the record. But on second thought, “somebody’s got to say it,” he told me. “The man is Ted Baxter.”
Finally, today is the last day of the Batman rankings as we get ready for the release of The Dark Knight this Friday at midnight.
Since we've already hit the high (Adam West) and the low (George Clooney), we're left with the current Batman, Christian Bale. Christian Bale as Batman, running away from fun.
Christian Bale, Batman Begins 2005, The Dark Knight 2008
Typical quote: "Bats frighten me. It's time my enemies shared my dread."
Strengths: does an excellent job demonstrating the mental demons that cause a billionaire to dress up in a silly costume to fight deadly criminals, has the physical presence to be believable as an effective crime-fighter, and also starred in American Psycho, making him just creepy enough to add a little more edge to the dark knight
Weaknesses: Tonally, he's always the same - driven, badass and yet largely unpleasant. Makes for a great character, but he's not all that fun to watch when he's not actively kicking ass. Definitely not as strong a dancer as Adam West's Batman.
Overall Rating (0-100): 89. Here's hoping this ranking rises a bit with the new movie. Perhaps he could get himself a snappy superhero theme song like this one: (NOT SAFE FOR WORK. You've been warned.)
We've been out of the QOTD office a lot recently with the visit of St. Louis correspondent/QOTD sibling Katie Doll, so we're going to mash together a couple of quotes for today. We're now in the midst of our Batman-ranking exercise where we run into a couple of forgettable Batmen. Val Kilmer played Batman in 1995's Batman Forever, and George Clooney (yes, that guy from Facts of Life) played Batman in the 1997 stinkbomb Batman & Robin.
Val Kilmer, Batman Forever 1995
Typical quote: "You called me here for this? The Batsignal is not a beeper."
Strengths: um, strengths. let's see. He was more physically imposing and staid than the goofier Michael Keaton and the more sensual Adam West. And he wasn't George Clooney.
Weaknesses: Boring. And also hampered by the director's goofier, lighter vision.
Overall Rating (0-100): 50. Val Kilmer was perfectly acceptable. And perfectly forgettable. Just look at him, being all generic and stuff. Not even one teeth click to be had.
George Clooney, Batman & Robin 1997
Typical quote: "The heat is on, Freeze."
Strengths: Was better than most of the dredge around him in this awful film. Basically played himself - and at least he's a likeable guy.
Weaknesses: Basically played himself. He wore a nippled batsuit. Had an unfortunate propensity for puns (though not as painfully as Arnold Schwarzenegger's Mr. Freeze character, who spoke entirely in sentence fragments that included references to cold, snow, ice or freezing). The movie was essentially a giant toy commercial - a decidedly unappealing toy commercial.
Overall Rating (0-100): 13. George Clooney, though affable and generally fun to watch, had no chance in this stink-bomb of a movie. Perhaps if he'd been given a real script and hadn't been saddled with both Chris O'Donnell (Robin) AND Alicia Silverstone (Batgirl), he'd have been okay in this role.
It's apparently cold in the Batcave this morning...
EDITED TO ADD: As alert reader Potato Boy points out, Val Kilmer was the Batman with the nipples on his Bat-suit. He apparently has mistaken this blog for one that is interested in accuracy. We don't really regret the error, but we do appreciate the fact that anyone is reading this junk.
Things have been very busy around here. Yesterday and today's quotes are coming this afternoon/evening. But in the meantime, enjoy a couple of Batman villain movies.
Bob, gun.
The Riddler (Frank Gorshin) gives his 10 best riddles
The billionaire creates a Bat-suit loaded down with the muscles that he doesn't really have. Holy insecurity, Batman!
After Adam West, the bar was set pretty high for future Batmen. The specter of Mr. West hung over the Batman franchise for 21 years until Michael Keaton reprised the role in 1989's aptly-titled Batman. Best known at that point for his roles in comedies like Gung Ho and Mr. Mom, his choice as the Caped Crusader was widely questioned at the time. He was thought not to have the imposing physique required for the role (especially when compared to the Herculean frame of West's Batman). Even so, he did an admirable job, and emerged as an excellent Batman.
In this clip Michael Keaton shows how eccentric billionaire Bruce Wayne lets off some steam when he's not fighting crime
Michael Keaton, Batman 1989, Batman Returns 1992
Typical quote: "You wanna get nuts? Come on, let's get nuts!"
Strengths: his wonderful toys, the ability to get it on without removing his Bat-costume, potent scowl, exceptionally adept/phallic motor vehicle.
Weaknesses: When wearing Bat-costume, has inability to turn his head without turning his whole upper-body, has hair in a permullet, falls for the empty-headed reporter Vicki Vale.
Overall Rating (0-100): 81. Michael Keaton was a pretty generic Bruce Wayne, but a very good Batman. He gets docked points for his infatuation with the shrill, vacuous Vicki Vale, but then makes them back by falling for the infinitely more interesting Catwoman in the second film. He also loses points for being in Herbie: Fully Loaded and not punching busty junkie Lindsey Lohan. Not even once.
Since we gave away our top choice of Batmen yesterday, we'll just go ahead and get this out of the way. To start off our Batman rankings, we'll begin with the great Adam West.
Batman competes in the Jack Rabbit Slim's Twist Contest
Adam West, Batman tv show 1966-68, Batman: The Movie 1966
Typical quote: (about some ruffians in a bar) "They may be drinkers, Robin, but they are still human beings, and can be salvaged."
Strengths: Unflappability, excellent dancing ability (he's served more than one super-villain in his day), the ability to punch out villains and their henchmen so powerfully that sound effects like "Biff!" or "Zow!" are actually visible, secure enough in his manhood to wear a grey suit with a bright yellow utility belt.
Weaknesses: Questionable athleticism (Mel Kiper, Jr. claims that he does not have the physical upside you'd like to see in your super-heroes), creepy relationship with Robin, susceptibility to Catwoman's charms (can you really blame him?)
Overall Rating (0-100): 94. Adam West is clearly the gold standard of Batmen. If he'd just spent a little less time at the discotheque and more time at the gym, he'd score a perfect 100.
Next on FOX's "When Animals Attack": Shark repellent--Deadly Effective or Effectively Dead?
Many of you in our worldwide QOTD audience are undoubtedly looking forward to The Dark Knight, the newest Batman movie that is released a week from Friday. In the newest iteration, Christian Bale plays Batman. Sure he's got the GOB-like voice and the gravitas needed to be an excellent Batman. But all Caped Crusaders take a back seat to the crimefighting genius that was Adam West.
In the 1966 movie version, after Batman has warded off an attack by an exploding shark with a handy spray-can of Shark Repellent, he and Robin meet with Commissioner Gordon and Chief O'Hara to identify the plot's mastermind:
Commissioner Gordon: "Could be any one of them, but which one? W— which ones?" Chief O'Hara: [gasps] Batman: "Pretty fishy what happened to me on that ladder." Gordon: "You mean, where there's a fish, there could be a Penguin." Robin: "But wait! It happened at sea! See? "C" for Catwoman!" Batman: "Yet... that exploding shark was pulling my leg!" Gordon: "The Joker!" O'Hara: "It all adds up to a sinister riddle. Riddle-er. Riddler?" Gordon: "Oh! A thought strikes me! So dreadful I scarcely dare give it utterance." Batman: "The four of them. Their forces combined..." Robin: "Holy nightmare!" Gordon: "Penguin, Joker, Riddler... and Catwoman, too! The sum of the angles of that rectangle is too monstrous to contemplate!" Batman: "We've been given the plainest warning. They're working together to take over..." O'Hara: "Take over what, Batman? Gotham City?" Batman: "Any two of them would try that!" Gordon: "The whole country?" Batman: "If it were three of them, I would say yes, but four? Their minimum objective must be... the entire world."
So, starting tomorrow, we're going to rank the movie Batmans, on a Bat-rating scale from 0 (Prince's "Batdance") to 100 (this scene).
So, tune in tomorrow - same bat-time, same bat-channel!
(We started this quote last Thursday before things got super-busy at QOTD Headquarters, and we neglected to get it finished. Don't worry. There will soon be a quote for Monday as well...)
In the final day of our holiday-shortened week of tributes to the United States, we have the most powerful demonstration of a country's strength: its ability to defeat intergalactic enemies on behalf of all of humanity.
But, before we get there, I'd like to plug alert reader Mike Bufkin's Wispy Tickler blog, which just had its first post since the Great Mustache Caper ended in February. If you look very closely, you can even see a photo of the QOTD Czar hidden somewhere in the article.
Now onto today's quote. In the brilliant war documentary, Independence Day, President Thomas Whitmore (Bill Pullman) gives a rousing speech to some American pilots tasked with defeating alien invaders and preserving the human race. We believe that George W. Bush has patterned his squinty look and gravelly voice after President Whitmore's demeanor in this scene. If only he were as eloquent:It's uncanny!
"Good morning. In less than an hour, aircraft from here will join others from around the world, and you will be launching the largest aerial battle in the history of mankind. Mankind. That word should have new meaning for all of us today. We can't be consumed by our petty differences anymore. We will be united in our common interests. Perhaps it's fate that today is the Fourth of July, and you will once again be fighting for our freedom… Not from tyranny, oppression, or persecution… but from annihilation. We're fighting for our right to live. To exist. And should we win the day, the Fourth of July will no longer be known as an American holiday, but as the day when the world declared in one voice: We will not go quietly into the night! We will not vanish without a fight! We're going to live on! We're going to survive! Today we celebrate our Independence Day!"
In the Americans-fight-aliens genre, Mars Attacks! emerges as the clear victor. Much like President Whitmore in Independence Day, President Dale (Jack Nicholson) keeps his wits about him after the aliens attack, blowing up a joint session of Congress.
"I want the people to know that they still have 2 out of 3 branches of the government working for them, and that ain't bad."
That is clearly better than most days, when we often have 0 out of 3 branches working for the American people.
Ack! Ack-ack!
Hope everyone had a wonderful holiday weekend. Back at you with more music and fun shortly.
Day 3 of our tribute to all things USA as we count down to July 4.
Harold Lederman, how do you score it? Well, Jim, through 14 rounds, Drago has connected on 95% of his power punches, an average of 71 per round! Balboa's going to need to go for the knockout in the 15th if he has any chance of winning this fight and then giving a rambling, nonsensical speech that will bring the Politburo to its feet and destroy the Soviet Union. He also should work off his jab more!
Ridiculous Stallone movies aside, on to today's quote:
When you think of songs that pay homage to our great nation, what do you think of first? Oh, the national anthem? That makes sense. What else? Ugh. That brutal Lee Greenwood song? Yeah, I guess I can see that.
Well, how about this: when you think of songs that pay homage to our great nation sung by Neil Diamond in the 1980 version of the film The Jazz Singer co-starring Sir Laurence Olivier, what song comes to mind?
YES! "America"!
In addition to being one of the QOTD bureau's go-to karaoke songs, it's also a reminder of the USA's traditionally open arms to immigrants from all over the world who came here to make a new life for themselves and their families.
Neil spoke about his specific inspiration for this song on VH1's Storytellers (Saturday Night Live sketch):
Neil Diamond (Will Ferrell): "This next song, you all might like. Few people know that I am fueled creatively by my massive hatred of immigrants. [plays intro to "America"] Gary and I have gone on for hours about how much we hate foreigners. Right, Gary?"
Gary, the Bass Player (John Goodman): "Leave me out of this, man."
Neil Diamond: "NO, I WILL LEAVE YOU IN!! Well, my love of this great and beautiful nation, and my hatred of all people with dark skin led me to write this. [sings] On the boats and on the trains. They're coming to America. Never looking back again. Just do the best you can!"
The band members start telling him to shut up, Neil screams at them.
Neil Diamond (Will Ferrell): "I'll smack you in the mouth, I'm Neil Diamond!"
This seems unrelated, but it's not. Watch till the end for a nice little Neil Diamond impersonation.
Day two of our patriotic tribute to the Western Hemisphere, the dancingest hemisphere of all! Ooops. That's actually from Hooray for Everything, from The Simpsons. We're supposed to be talking about the United States, as we prepare for Independence Day this Friday.
Lest our Canadian fanbase be disappointed, we also want to acknowledge that today, July 1, is Canada Day! Join me in donning your celebratory touque, cracking open a Moosehead and honoring our neighbors to the Great White North.
"Canada is the greatest nation in this country." --former Toronto mayor Allan Lamport
Some typical Canadian citizens.
And onto the USA, from Team America: World Police, Team America's theme song:
"America, F*** yeah! Comin' again to save the muthaf***in' day, yeah! America, F*** yeah! Freedom is the only way, yeah! Terrorists, your game is through 'Cause now you have to answer to America, F*** yeah!"
A typical American resident. Note: Even mulleted illiterates love the Cardinals. Take that, Cub fans!
