quote of the day (June 30, 2008): double secret patriotism

In honor of our nation's 232nd birthday this Friday, we'll be doing a week's worth (er, four days' worth) of quotes dedicated to Am-uh-ri-ca. (because people LOVE themes)

The US flag lapel pin. The sign of someone who truly loves America. If you're not wearing one right now, you probably are rooting for the terrorists. Way to go, Guy / Gal!

We'll start with a true American classic, Animal House:
Otis, my man!! Otis LOVES the U.S.!

Our quote comes from a scene where the upstanding citizens of Delta house find themselves in a disciplinary meeting and are in danger of being disbanded. Delta house president Hoover (James Widdoes), Boon (Peter Riegert) and Eric "Otter" Stratton (Tim Matheson) represent the fraternity members in the hearing:

Otter: "Point of parliamentary procedure!"

Hoover (whispering to Otter): "Don't screw around, they're serious this time!"

Otter: "Take it easy, I'm pre-law."

Boon: "I thought you were pre-med."

Otter: "What's the difference?
(stands to address the committee)
Ladies and gentlemen, I'll be brief. The issue here is not whether we broke a few rules, or took a few liberties with our female party guests - we did. [winks at Dean Wormer] But you can't hold a whole fraternity responsible for the behavior of a few, sick twisted individuals. For if you do, then shouldn't we blame the whole fraternity system? And if the whole fraternity system is guilty, then isn't this an indictment of our educational institutions in general? I put it to you, Greg - isn't this an indictment of our entire American society? Well, you can do whatever you want to us, but I for one am not going to stand here and listen to you badmouth the United States of America. Gentlemen!"
[Otter leads the Deltas out of the hearing, all humming the Star-Spangled Banner]
Wormer? He's a dead man. Marmalard? Dead. Scott Niedermayer? Dead!

quote of the day (June 27, 2008)

Happy birthday to QOTD sibling Kurt Doll, who I suspect is sometimes alert but is rarely a reader. But happy birthday all the same.

To get everyone ready for the weekend, we thought we'd dig into our inner-US Weekly, and go with some "Celebrity Secrets", as confessed on Late Night with Conan O'Brien.

From Snoop Dogg: "It's true, Dr. Dre is not a real doctor. I just wish he had told me that before I let him remove my pancreas."

From Mr. T: "I remember one time I tried to pity this fool. He told me his name was Jeff. He was married. He pulled out his wallet and showed me three pictures of his kids; Kelly, Robert, Brittany. Real cute kids. Don't get too close man. It's hard to pity a fool if you get too close."

From Fabio: "From the moment I stepped foot on the set of the movie Dude Where's My Car? I knew where the car was."

From John McEnroe: "On the court, Jimmy Connors was my rival. But between the sheets, he was my friend."

And, last but not least, from Gwyneth Paltrow: "I'm superstitious. Before I start a new movie, I also kill a hobo with a hammer."

quote of the day (June 26): Skullets. Nothing but Skullets.

Sometimes in the quoting business, things just come together perfectly. Today is one of those days. Last night, the underdog Fresno State Bulldogs won the College World Series over the University of Georgia, inspired, no doubt by pitcher Kris Tomlinson's new look. Ladies and gentlemen, the Skullet!:


On ESPN's Pardon the Interruption, during their "Good Cop/Bad Cop" segment, co-host/resident cue ball Tony Kornheiser had some commentary on Tomlinson's new hairdo:

"I am the good cop, 'cause I can actually grow something like this. This is a Fresno State kid who shaved most of his head and kept that hair in the back. The person with the skullet that I like most in history is Ben Franklin. I don't know how you can argue against Ben Franklin, this kid and me at the same time. This is a great new hairstyle - one that I actually can partake in."

Kornheiser vs Ben Franklin in the Battle of the Skullet! note: Kornheiser's photo has been digitally altered by the same people who brought you Little Man

While we're on the topic of skullets, Hulk Hogan has been in the news a lot lately, for his public breakup with his wife, his son's solitary confinement, and because no weekend goes by without showing his Oscar-caliber performance in Rocky III.

However, the most-exciting Hogan-related news is that fresh off the success of the large-screen adaptation of Get Smart, Disney has decided to fast-track a movie version of the Hulkster's wildly successful action TV show, Thunder in Paradise. There is some question about Chris Lemmon's availability, though.

Just to get you in the mood, here are the show's opening credits. You'll notice that they took up 2 full minutes of a 43-minute show with this song. Always a sign of a show's quality:

Rich, if you've read this far in today's quote, we regret to inform you that we made up the news about a Thunder in Paradise movie. We would be first in line if it ever happens, though...

quote of the day (June 25, 2008)

Back when this was a chronicle of my charity mustache, I extolled the virtues of Deadwood's Al Swearengen and his super-literate form of vulgarity. Now that this is a repository for our favorite quotes, I'd be remiss not to include a few from that fine HBO show that left the air too early...

"You can't slit the throat of everyone whose character it would improve."
--saloon/brothel owner and general badass Al Swearengen (Ian McShane), despairs over the strict rules imposed by societal norms

If you compare my glorious mustache to the fuzz grown by these ignorant hoopleheads, I will kill you where you stand.

"My bicycle masters boardwalk and quagmire with aplomb. Those that doubt me suck c**k by choice!"
--Tom Nutall (Rock Hill, South Carolina's own Leon Rippy), owner of one of the local saloons, exults in his new bicycle purchase

Masters me? Suck what by choice? Allll riiiiight.

quote of the day (June 24, 2008)

There has been a general pall over QOTD headquarters in the last couple of days. One of our QOTD fleet cars was broken into on Friday, and the perpetrator stole several items of value, including our Secret Quote Vault™. (don't ask why we would carry anything so valuable around in a fleet vehicle)

Anyway, the combination of our malaise and our missing quote vault led to our skipping yesterday's quote. We offer a heartfelt apology to our reader.

Whenever in a funk, instead of angry dancing, we prefer to turn to the gentle wisdom of Flight of the Conchords, New Zealand's fourth most-popular guitar-based digi-bongo acapella-rap-funk-comedy folk duo, to cheer us up.

Gingerballs? Present.

Today's quote, from their song "Cheer Up, Murray" makes even more sense, considering FotC band manager Murray is the inspiration for this blog's original name. Prepare your spirits for lifting:

"So people don't return your calls
They don't return your calls
And people will call you Gingerballs
They'll call you Gingerballs
Those people don't know what they see
They just see Gingerballs
Gingerballs

Cheer up, Murray
It's time to forget
Your wife met someone on the 'Net
Let's go and get an ice cream

Cheer up, Murray
Though nothing goes your way
It's the same every day
Well, tomorrow is another day"

And, for good measure, the song in total:

quote of the day (June 20, 2008)

It's a Medical Friday here at QOTD. This might be because we're feeling a bit creaky this morning after a substandard night's sleep. Or it could just be that we've got a great quote from an alert reader/friend of QOTD and we want to use it.

Prepare the defribrillator. CLEAR!

The aforementioned alert reader/Charlotte musician Matt Miller calls to mind the glorious sound of aluminum on cowhide, as he describes his recent ordeal passing several kidney stones:

"It sounded like the College World Series in there. Ping! Ping! Ping!"

This quote has been endorsed by Major League Super Star Fred McGriff!

And now, more groin-based humor from our favorite medical show of all time (No, not Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman), Scrubs:

JD (Zach Braff): "Dr.Cox.."

Dr.Cox (John McGinley): "Newbie, if the next two words out of your mouth aren't 'See ya' then the third word will be 'Oh my god. My crotch. You've punched me in my crotch.'"

JD: "See Ya!"


a helpful PSA from our friends at Scrubs

quote of the day (June 19, 2008)

Most of the people reading this are probably fans of The Office on NBC. Probably not that many of you have seen the original BBC version, created by the extremely funny Ricky Gervais.

From the end of the first episode, office manager David Brent (Gervais) talks about his management philosophy:

“What is the single most important thing for a company? Is it the building? Is it the stock? Is it the turnover? It’s the people, investment in people. My proudest moment here wasn’t when I increased profits by 17%, or cut expenditure without losing a single member of staff. No. It was a young Greek guy, first job in the country, hardly spoke a word of English, but he came to me and he went ‘Mr. Brent, will you be the Godfather to my child?’. (long pause) Didn’t happen in the end. We had to let him go, he was rubbish. He was rubbish!”

And, for some additional fun, David Brent's dance-off:

quote of the day (June 18, 2008)

We here at QOTD are not always the most punctual people. Though overflowing with good intentions (similar to, but not quite the same as overflowing with Good Vibrations. Less cinderblock bench-pressing.), we're often way behind on our to-do list. This can be a problem when you're a few months late for a birthday present, but can be even worse when you're a few months late for a court date.

Anyway, as so many of you have no doubt noticed, we here at QOTD neglected to mention Flag Day this past weekend. To make up for this egregious affront, we would like to both quote and display the most patriotic thing we could find. From It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Charlie (Charlie Day) sings his tribute to America:

"I'm gonna rise up, gonna kick a little ass, gonna kick some ass in the USA. Gonna climb a mountain, gonna sew a flag, gonna fly on an eagle. I'm gonna kick some butt, I'm gonna drive a big truck, I'm gonna rule this world, I'm gonna kick some ass, I'm gonna rise up, I'm gonna kick a little ass. ROCK, FLAG, AND EAGLE."

quote of the day (June 17, 2008)

From the Not-Making-This-Up file, before we get going. As noted in today's Washington Post humor chat with the sometimes-humorous Gene Weingarten, Bill O'Reilly's forthcoming memoir will be titled A Bold Fresh Piece of Humanity. This title is a perfect anagram for "Shameful Bona-Fide Hypocrite."
Yeah, well, "Keith Olbermann" is an anagram for "Ramble then oink."

Now, staying on the anagram theme, from one of our favorite QOTD movies - 2004's Shaun of the Dead.

"As Mr. Sloan always says, there is no "I" in team, but there is an "I" in pie. And there's an "i" in meat pie. Meat is the anagram of team... I don't know what he's talking about."
--Shaun (Simon Pegg) gives a pep talk to his younger co-workers at the appliance store where he works, just before the town is taken over by hungry zombies.

Hey, zombies. People may taste like pumpkin pie, but I'd never know, 'cause I'd never eat the filthy motherf***ers.

quote of the day (June 16, 2008)

Well, some big news transpired since the last quote on Friday afternoon. First, a somber rest-in-peace to Tim Russert. He was one of the few political commentators that people of all viewpoints seemed to trust, and he will be missed.

Russert and his low-tech whiteboard, going through voting scenarios during the 2000 election

And if you've ever gotten to see or hear him on a late-night talk show or as a guest on a call-in show, you probably know he also had a wicked sense of humor. From an article in the Cleveland Plain-Dealer, he talked about his time in Cleveland as a law student:
================================================
As a Cleveland-Marshall College of Law student in 1974, Russert attended the infamous "10-cent-beer night" at Cleveland Municipal Stadium that ended in drunken rioting by Indians fans.

"I went with $2 in my pocket," recalls the "Meet the Press" host. "You do the math."
=================================================

And, in more ridiculous news, R. Kelly was acquitted on Friday on all charges from one of the silliest trials ever. Josh Levin of Slate.com has been keeping up with all of the trial's goings-on, and he has this advice for any of our alert readers who are interested in the law:

"The legal lesson here: If your star witness is the kind of character who would have a threesome with R. Kelly, you probably need to find yourself a better star witness."

quote of the day (June 13)

Before today's quote, I'd like to post a video of an incredible performer we had an opportunity to see last night. We had just planned to see our friend/alert reader Matt Miller's bluegrass band as the opening act, but we were drawn in by the headliner as well. Theresa Andersson is her name - she's a one-woman band who plays several instruments and uses looping equipment to record herself on-stage and create some amazing songs. You can find her tour schedule and other information on her myspace page.

Theresa Andersson plays "Na Na Na" in her kitchen

Anyway, she gets the following award (not for marksmanship):

Now onto the quote, also music-related. From Stephen Frears' excellent movie made from Nick Hornby's excellent book, High Fidelity:

"Uh Rob, thank you for the enthusiastic intro but we are no longer called Sonic Death Monkey. We're on the verge of being Kathleen Turner Overdrive, but this evening we will be known as Barry Jive and the Uptown Five."
--Record-store employee/slacker Barry (Jack Black) introduces his band

Wait, I'm gonna be in The Holiday in a few years? Where was Shallow Hal 2 when I needed it?

quote of the day (June 12, 2008)

A huge QOTD Welcome to Earth to future alert reader Katherine Amanda Basler, who was born this morning to loving humans John and Beth Basler. Truly excellent news. We can only hope that the Mr. Bananagrabber Saturday morning cartoon show will be on-air when she's old enough.

Now on to our usual brand of ridiculousness:

From the QOTD's favorite TV show, Arrested Development, Michael Bluth (Jason Bateman) tries to talk his grouchy mother Lucille (Jessica Walter) into relaxing at the Bluth family cabin:

Michael: "Maybe you can take a date up there [to the cabin]."

Lucille: "Oh, how am I supposed to find someone willing to go into that musty old claptrap?"

Michael: "..........(stares)..Ohh, the cabin! Yes, well, that would be difficult too."

quote of the day (April 11, 2008)

A quick welcome to any new readers to QOTD who were guilted into visiting by my plaintive email. A quick tribute to our regular readers ("there are dozen of you! dozen!).

And now onto today's quotes - a Fred Willard retrospective. Quotes from some of his best performances, all of them from Christopher Guest movies...

1984's This Is Spinal Tap:

"May I start by saying how thrilled we are to have you here. We are such fans of your music and all of your records. I'm not speaking of yours personally, but the whole genre of the rock and roll."
--Lt. Hookstratten (Willard) welcomes Spinal Tap, Britain's Loudest Band, to the Lindberg Air Force Base

1996's Waiting for Guffman:

"We consider ourselves bi-costal if you consider the Mississippi River one of the coasts."
--Blaine, Missouri's biggest actor, Ron Albertson (Willard), discussing his dual life as an extra in Hollywood and a travel agent in Blaine

2000's Best in Show:

"Doctor, question that's always bothered me and a lot of people: Mayflower, combined with Philadelphia - a no-brainer, right? Cause this is where the Mayflower landed. Not so. It turns out Columbus actually set foot somewhere down in the West Indies. Little known fact."
--Empty-headed dog show commentator Buck Laughlin discusses the origins of the Mayflower Dog Show

2003's A Mighty Wind:

"Hey, where's the real mayor, wha' happened? Somebody shot the mayor, but they did not shoot the deputy."
--Blowhard Mike LaFontaine, manager of the New Main Street Singers and former child star, speaks at a NYC reception for some folk bands hosted by the New York Deputy Mayor

quote of the day (june 10, 2008)

Ol' Velvet Nose - Warren's logo


"I'm sitting in the Hollywood Hawaiian Hotel
I'm staring in my empty coffee cup
I was thinking that the gypsy wasn't lying
All the salty margaritas in Los Angeles
I'm gonna drink 'em up

And if California slides into the ocean
Like the mystics and statistics say it will
I predict this hotel will be standing
Until I pay my bill"

--Warren Zevon does depression tinged with his trademark sense of humor, in his 1976 song "Desperadoes Under the Eaves"

quote of the day (June 9, 2008)

This quote is not in any way designed to convey my irritation with the Italian soccer team as they play their first game in the Euro 2008 championships right now (no spoilers, please - I have it DVR'ing). But if you choose to take it as a Zidane-style headbutt to the collective Azzuri chest, then by all means...

Zidane employs 1/2 of the Giant Panther's pro wrestling special moves. Just wait till he breaks out the Iron Claw.

From 30 Rock:

Liz: "Well, it was nice of you to let him keep his job."

Jack: "The Italians have a saying, Lemon. 'Keep your friends close and your enemies closer'. And although they've never won a war or mass-produced a decent car, in this area they are correct. In five years, we'll all either be working for him...or be dead by his hand."

--Liz Lemon (Tina Fey) and Jack Donaghy (Alec Baldwin) discuss the ever-chipper Kenneth the Page (Jack McBrayer)

quote of the day (June 6, 2008)

The last day of our Sports Week in Quotes (SWiQ™). For baseball fans, there are a few classics. One movie that sums up the minor league lifestyle perfectly is 1987's Bull Durham. A few of the best lines follow:

"Relax, all right? Don't try to strike everybody out. Strikeouts are boring! Besides that, they're fascist. Throw some ground balls - it's more democratic."
--veteran catcher Crash Davis (Kevin Costner) gives some advice to young pitching prospect (and worst-looking movie ballplayer of all-time) Nuke LaLoosh (Tim Robbins)

==========================================================

"The world is not made for people cursed with self-awareness."
--Annie Savoy (Susan Sarandon)

==========================================================


"Man that ball got outta here in a hurry. I mean anything travels that far oughta have a damn stewardess on it, don't you think?"
--Crash again to Nuke after he gives up a long homerun

==========================================================
Manager: "You guys. You lollygag the ball around the infield. You lollygag your way down to first. You lollygag in and out of the dugout. You know what that makes you? Larry?"

Larry: "Lollygaggers."

--The team's manager (Trey Wilson) and pitching coach Larry Hockett (Robert Wuhl) give the Bulls a dressing-down after another bad performance

Look at that! He hit the f***ing bull! Guy gets a free steak!

quote of the day (June 5, 2008)

No week of sports quotes without a quote from Terry Tate, Office Linebacker, as suggested by alert reader/QOTD sibling Katie Doll:

"Wooo! You know you can't bring that weak ass stuff up in this humpy-bumpy! You kill the joe, you make some mo'! You know that baby! Else you in for a long day, a long day! Coz Triple T's up in this biiiitch!"
--Terry Tate (Lester Speight), gives Paul Merkin (Bob Stevenson) a painful lesson in workplace etiquette in the original 2003 Super Bowl advertisement, "Terry's World"

Clear eyes, full hearts, can't lose!

quote of the day (June 4, 2008)

The Dude hates the f***ing Eagles. So does Terrell Owens.

Day 2 of our run of sports-related quotes. From one of our favorite movies, The Big Lebowski, a Coen Brothers movie about bowling, mistaken identity, nihilist gangsters, and Little Urban Achievers. One of the most-quoted pieces of dialogue happens in the bowling alley, where teammates The Dude (Jeff Bridges) and Walter Sobchak (St. Louis' own John Goodman) are rolling against Smokey (country-folk singer/songwriter Jimmie Dale Gilmore) in a league game:

The Dude: "Walter, ya know, it's Smokey, so his toe slipped over the line a little, big deal. It's just a game, man."

Walter: "Dude, this is a league game, this determines who enters the next round robin. Am I wrong? Am I wrong?"

Smokey: "Yeah, but I wasn't over. Gimme the marker Dude, I'm marking it 8."

Walter: [pulls out a gun] "Smokey, my friend, you are entering a world of pain."

The Dude: "Walter..."

Walter: "You mark that frame an 8, and you're entering a world of pain. A world of pain."

Smokey: "Dude, he's your partner..."

Walter: [shouting] "Has the whole world gone crazy? Am I the only one around here who gives a s*** about the rules? Mark it zero!"

The Dude: "They're calling the cops, put the piece away."

Walter: "Mark it zero!" [points gun in Smokey's face]

The Dude: "Walter..."

Walter: [shouting] "You think I'm f***ing around here? Mark it zero!"

Smokey: "All right, it's f***ing zero. Are you happy, you crazy f***?"

Walter: "It's a league game, Smokey."

Sundays are made for bowling (because Saturdays are for Shabbas). Bowling is made for the Jesus. Ergo, Sundays must be made for The Jesus.

quote of the day (June 3, 2008)

We know we've been lax here at QOTD headquarters, missing the last two weekdays' worth of hot quotin' action. So to start to earn back the trust of you alert quote-hungry would-be readers, we've got a very special sports-related edition of the QOTD.

First, from humorist/author Dave Barry on our nation's pasttime, and the eternal mystery of women's priorities:

"If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base."

Get in front of the damn infant, Dorn! Don't be giving me this Ole bull$#*+


Since it's June, obviously everyone's attention turns to hockey. Or not. But anyway, last night's game was one of the classics - a triple overtime Penguin victory to send the finals back to Pittsburgh for Game 6. So, from Warren Zevon and his ode to the hockey goon, "Hit Somebody" (featuring David Letterman as the coach yelling the refrain):

"He was born in Big Beaver by the borderline
He started playing hockey by the time he was nine
His dad took the hose and froze the back yard
And Little Buddy dreamed he was Rocket Richard
He grew up big and he grew up tough
He saw himself scoring for the Wings or Canucks
But he wasn't that good with the puck

Buddy's real talent was beating people up
His heart wasn't in it but the crowd ate it up
Through pee-wee's and juniors, midgets and mites
He must have racked up more than six hundred fights
A scout from the Flames came down from Saskatoon
Said, "There's always room on our team for a goon
Son, we've always got room for a goon"

There were Swedes to the left of him
Russians to the right
A Czech at the blue line looking for a fight
Brains over brawn-that might work for you
But what's a Canadian farm boy to do?
Hit somebody!"

Today's Photo Quiz: One of these sets of Hanson brothers are hockey goons from one of the best sports comedies of all time. The other set of Hanson brothers were Omaha youngsters who lit up the charts (and our hearts) with MMMBop, their wistful time about lost love. Can you tell which is which?