Friday, December 12, 2008

I'm just talkin' 'bout 'Stache!

"I'm talkin' bout you, and me, and 'Stache, simultaneous..."

Who's the pasty white guy
who's a sex machine to all the chicks?
'Stache!
You're damn right...

Who is the man
Who would risk his upper lip for his brother man?
'Stache!
Can ya dig it?

Who's the cat who won't cop out
When there's ridicule all about?
'Stache!
Right on

You see, this cat 'Stache is a hairy mutha...
Shut yo' mouth!
But I'm talkin' 'bout 'Stache!
Then we can dig it!

He's a complicated man
But no one understands him like his woman...
'Stache Bash!

Okay, if that doesn't have you fired up for tonight's 'Stache Bash, you're a lost cause. See you tonight - I'll be the guy who looks like Fidel Castro, if Castro had a $5 beard from a costume shop. Pictures tomorrow.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Ladies and Gentlemen, a Magician Named GOB...



It is indeed the final countdown. Just over 28 hours until the beginning of the 'Stache Bash, our finale party of the Mustache Growing Season, with almost $220,000 raised nationwide. Pretty amazing. And our Charlotte brutes have now jumped to almost $48,000.

In other news, our fightin' Charlotte Bobcats have traded away Jason Richardson and Jared Dudley, leaving us with approximately 1.5 scorers on a team that already couldn't score.

In still other news, I'm thinking about throwing my hat into the ring for Illinois Senator. We here at QOTD Headquarters are surprised that alert reader/QOTD Sargeant-at-Arms Javad Khazaeli hasn't already surfaced as Candidate 6 in the Blagojevich scandal. It's possible all the facts haven't come out yet.

In honor of the Final Countdown, today's QOTD comes from Europe's inane lyrics to the song:

"Oh, We're heading for Venus
and still we stand tall
cause maybe they've seen us
and welcome us all, yeah
with so many light years to go
and things to be found (to be found)
I'm sure that we'll all miss her so
It's the final countdown..."


FINALLY, and most importantly, I'd like to do a quick honor roll for all of the generous folks who have donated to my mustache cause as of 3pm on December 11 (these will be deleted off this blog in a couple of weeks to avoid having this page show up when they are googled for the rest of time):

Jim and Linda Roberts, Dan Cornell, Andy Jackson, Marj Wagner, Katie Doll, Jane Searson, Dr. Will Ballard, Daren and Averie Millstead, Lindsey Gerrity, Sarah Peters, Andrew Crawford, Kevin Doll, Julie Roberts (OFoQOTD), Ellen Wiese Thompson, Josh and Anise Farmer, Katie Engen, Matt and Kelly Sproul, Karl Heinz, Brooke Roetgerman, Amanda Weable, Javad Khazaeli (Candidate 6), Jennifer Vruwink, Meghan Norman, Mariann Witkowski, Carolyn Cox, Amy Clark, Brian Williams, Tim Edmond, John Borgmeyer, Martha Roesler, Tim Coover, Katie Van Hook, Courtney Taylor, Andy Klump, Kerry Feld, Kate Gauthier, my mother and father, Amy Burgess, Ashley Crawford, Mollie Farrell, Jared Yerg (founder of Beards BeCAUSE, and Tom Searson.

Thank you to all - you have seriously made this mustache campaign worthwhile. I will post a final pic of me dressed as Castro with my 'stache tomorrow.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Another 48 Hrs...

...is not just the name of an ill-conceived Eddie Murphy/Nick Nolte sequel. That's the amount of time I have left with my mustache this year.

Due to some exceedingly generous individuals, my fundraising total has jumped from $1,050 to $1,885 in the past week. We're still hoping to crack the $2,000 mark before the 48 hours pass.

Speaking of 48 hours, in 48 hours the 'Stache Bash will be in full swing, with many of the mustache growers in costume click to see last year's. I'm not looking to win any awards, so I've decided to go as Fidel Castro this year, primarily because I already own most of the costume, with the exception of the cigars (I'm pretty sure Castro smokes Swisher Sweets, right?). Come by Connolly's on 5th on Friday night to join us. $10 entry (all money goes to the charity) gets some free food and beer specials.

MMMmmmm...cherry flavor!!

Speaking of Cuba (this is a Keith Hernandez-level stretch), today's QOTD:

"I miss you more then Michael Bay missed the mark
When he made Pearl Harbor
I miss you more than that movie missed the point
And that's an awful lot girl
And now, now you've gone away
And all I'm trying to say is
Pearl Harbor sucked, and I miss you

I need you like Ben Affleck needs acting school
He was terrible in that film
I need you like Cuba Gooding needed a bigger part
He's way better than Ben Affleck
And now all I can think about is your smile
and that sh*tty movie too
Pearl Harbor sucked and I miss you

Why does Michael Bay get to keep on making movies?"

--Lyrics from "Pearl Harbor", a song from Team America: World Police

Monday, December 8, 2008

FOUR MORE YEARS, er days...

Four more days till I can shave this small, mammal-looking thing off the top of my lip. I'm certainly happy about that, but the OFoQOTD is REALLY happy about it. She rarely lets on, even going so far as to claim she likes the mustache. She's convincing enough that she probably should have testified on behalf of the Detroit auto companies in front of Congress.

In boxing news, Oscar de la Hoya was soundly defeated by the younger, smaller Manny Pacquiao on Saturday night. Pacquiao's domination was hard to believe, but it's even worse if you see the clips:

If only Apollo Creed had Doc Louis in his corner instead of Rocky, he'd never have died against Ivan "Death from Above" Drago.

And now for today's mustache moment, speaking of boxing, one of the earliest known boxing champions was John L. Sullivan, who sported a bad-ass handlebar mustache. He won some 450 fights in his career, including many of the bare-knuckle variety. That didn't stop the doubters, as Sullivan noted in 1905:

"'Your hands are too big; you'll never make a boxer,' was one of the bits of discouragement passed to me when I was beginning to attract notice as a puncher."

One of his most-celebrated fights was his bare-knuckle bout against Jake Kilrain. Although times looked bad for Sullivan when he vomited in his corner in the 44th round, he recovered enough to force Kilrain's manager to throw in the towel after the 75th round. (Rounds were not the standard 3 minutes - they ended whenever a fighter fell or was knocked down - but the fight still lasted well over 2 hours. Mustached guys are apparently tough-asses.)



For a final note that combines mustaches, boxing, Punch-Out and fundraising (of a sort), try this movie:



Remember, only four days till the 'Stache Bash this Friday night at Connolly's. Please come out to support the cause - and take the last chance to see my very own Von Kaiser-style 'Stache before it dies a dignified death...

Friday, December 5, 2008

The facts are these: (or, it's just 174 hours till I can shave this thing off)

Our blog title today pays homage to QOTD's favorite dead show walking, Pushing Daisies, which will soon follow in the footsteps of Arrested Development, Veronica Mars, Deadwood, Freaks & Geeks and Thunder in Paradise as QOTD favorite shows that died too early.

Speaking of things that are ending, our brothers-in-facial-hair-fundraising, Beards BeCAUSE are having their finale party tonight. My mustache, my lady and I will all be making an appearance to support them in their second extremely successful season. They are growing beards to benefit the United Family Services Shelter for battered women. There are so many hairy-faced men walking around Charlotte these days that Sasquatch reports have risen 400% in the last year.

A typical scene from a Charlotte city park.

Speaking of mustaches and parties, Jonathan Quayle Higgins III, aka Higgins (John Hillerman) in Magnum, P.I. has some wonderful advice for people going out this evening:

"Don't ruin my whiskey with Ice! I'm not a bloody American!"

Oahu Senior Prom picture, circa 1984.

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Mustache Checkpoint #3 and quote of the day (December 4, 2008)

Mustaches for Kids checkpoint #3 has just ended and the Guinness retention contest was won by someone other than your QOTD correspondent. This less-than-scientific competition apparently did not give style points for bad cop sunglasses, or we would've taken home the crown.

A picture from last year's Checkpoint #3, showing QOTD head correspondent in the sweet pink floral shirt ($3 at Salvation Army) along with the Wispy Tickler, who couldn't be bothered to dress up this year. He probably should respect my authoritah.

We're now down to only one week of mustache growth before next Friday's 'Stache Bash at Connolly's in Uptown Charlotte. We are approaching the $32,000 mark locally, and nationally are coming closer to $150,000!! Pretty awesome for a bunch of guys who are just neglecting basic grooming for a month.

Yesterday, we discussed Sean Avery and his classless comments about ex-girlfriend Elisha Cuthbert. Apparently his bad behavior doesn't end there, as you can read about his run-in with a 59-year old female fan of the Nashville Predators. He is 0% Gallant and 100% Goofus.

So, for today's mustache quote, we go to an old English proverb.

"A man without a mustache is like a cup of tea without sugar."

To translate that to Ah-mur-i-can:

"A man without a mustache is like a 40-ounce without a paper bag."

Now THIS is the kind of Old English proverb we can get on board with.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

quote of the day (December 3, 2008)

Well, nothing like staying on a roll. In larger terms, this is 2 posts in 21 days (a Buddy Biancalana-like .095 posting average). However, we're very streaky at QOTD. This is 2 posts in 2 days, for a Pujols-like 1.000 average.

Today we'll be lighter on the mustache stuff, although we will have our Mustache Moment in a bit.

First of all, you might have heard about Dallas Stars (NHL) agitator Sean Avery's suspension-inducing brilliant commentary about his ex-girlfriend Elisha Cuthbert, who is currently dating the Calgary Flames' Dion Phaneuf. This gives us an excuse to put a picture up of the lovely Ms. Cuthbert:



She is quite easy on the eyes, but not for fans of 24, who have suffered through her performance as Kim Bauer, Jack's dopey daughter. From today's Pardon the Interruption, QOTD favorite Tony Kornheiser had some comments about her character from 24, even mentioning her famous encounter with a mountain lion:

"She was kidnapped 3 times in 24 hours. Yes. 3 times in 24 hours! Anyone who watched 24 in the first season was rooting for the mountain lion to eat her."

(QOTD note: the mountain lion attack happened in season 2. but we were still rooting for the lion)

Washington Post writer Hank Steuver had more fun with this article about Kim's stupidity. Definitely worth a read.

Now for today's Mustache Moment:

Brad Pitt was quoted this week as wanting to bring back the mustache: "That's my goal. I don’t think 'staches are respected enough. It's political. It’s a political statement."

If two winners of People Magazine's Sexiest Man Alive have mustaches, why do I still get laughed at when I walk into a Quizno's with my shaggy 'stache?

Second-to-last Mustaches for Kids checkpoint tomorrow night (Thursday) at Angry Ale's Bar & Grill. $5 gets you free Bud Light drafts until the keg is dry after 7pm, with all money going to the charity. Hope to see you there!

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

soooo...a lot's happened in the three weeks since we last saw each other...

Bad correspondent! BAD!

So, in the three weeks since we last posted a Quote of the "Day", a lot has happened:

1) Your correspondent has started growing another mustache to help benefit public school projects in Charlotte and St. Louis. So far, its shabby appearance has helped it raise $1,157, good for 7th among the 110+ Charlotte growers.

2) Because of the questionable look of my half-grown 'stache, I have taken to wearing a Michael Jackson-style face mask to keep people's prying eyes off my face. I've also taken to dangling babies off balconies. But that's just for fun.

I tell people it's to protect me from SARS.

3) The local ABC affiliate was so impressed by my burgeoning bristles that they interviewed me 10 days back.

4) The Wispy Tickler finally updated his blog with tales of his mustache. QOTD may be a sham (but not a Sham-Wow), but we are much better to our many fans than the Wispy Tickler, who updates his blog on the HBO Sopranos schedule - about every 18 months.

OHHHhhhh--there he is! Look here, Ton', an actual post. Pass the onion rings.

We have about another 10 days of this junk to go, and we're in a tight race with NYC to see which chapter raises the most money. Currently NY has about a $1,500 lead over our $25,500. If you'd like to donate, go to my giving page and pick a project that sounds interesting. We'll take any amount - every dollar counts. And now, for a bit of inspiration, today's QOTD, from mustachioed failed actor/analrapist (that's a combination analyst + therapist, thank you very much) Tobias Funke:

"I'm afraid I just blue myself."

And one more inspirational moment, from 2007 and Mustache Inspiration Adam Morrison:

Monday, November 10, 2008

quote of the day (November 10, 2008): the Brunching Shuttlecocks tribute

Another classic from the Brunching Shuttlecocks...

A quick post today in tribute to the late, great Brunching Shuttlecocks website - which shut down 5 years ago. First off, a belated Halloween adventure: Choose Your Own Serial Murder gives you the chance to play a Scream-like character bent on killing a semi-nude teenager. It's very funny, takes only minutes to play, and is completely text-based - safe for work.

Another excellent page, but less safe for work, is the quiz Porn Star or My Little Pony?, where you have to guess whether the names listed are adult film stars or the names of My Little Pony. Feel free to comment below with your score. For reference, we here at QOTD scored a reprehensible 4 out of 12. We know our educated audience can do better.

Finally, the site was best known for its ratings, where they would give A through F ratings to a vast array of different items, things as varied as breakfast cereals, Three's Company characters, and card games. Today's quote comes from their ratings on He-Man characters:

He-Man
An incredibly muscular blond guy in a breechcloth and a page boy. On this planet he'd be stripping for tips in North Beach, but on Eternia he fights deformed animal guys and delivers homilies on the value of cooperation. Location, location, location. My real difficulty with He-Man is that his secret identity -- "Prince Adam," which is a porn name if I ever heard one -- was nothing more than a change of outfit and a whiny voice. He didn't even bother with the Clark Kent eyeglass move, for God's sake. C-

Man-at-Arms
One of the neighborhood kids -- when I was young and actually playing with action figures, as opposed to just having them -- was convinced that the name "Man-At-Arms" was composed of the first name "Man-At" and the last name "Arms." As if he was the child of Hank and Brenda Arms, an art-loving couple who tried to name their son after Manet but missed by a vowel. Still, considering that the character's real first name was "Duncan," my friend's delusion was a marked improvement. B

Stinkor
You have to admire the design chutzpah that went into creating this molded plastic marriage of action-packed fun and unpleasant odor. When you make something like this, you're hoping that kids will be so enamored of the very awfulness of it that they will overcome a parent's natural reluctance to spend seven bucks on something where the main selling point is "smells bad." Apparently the gamble paid off, though, because it seemed like half the kids on my block had one of these guys. B


Finally, speaking of The Masters of the Universe, a movie that displays Prince Adam's true nature, if you are patient enough to watch it and absorb its excellence:

Thursday, November 6, 2008

quote of the day (November 6, 2008)

Well, a lot can happen in two days since we last posted. We have a new president-elect, as Barack Obama will become the first African-American president ever. Quite a feat. Sean Connery has a message for the future President of the United States.

In other news, last night was the Mustaches for Kids Charlotte information session - we're currently sitting at 51 growers with only 6 days till the kickoff, er, shaving day. Last year, we had 82 growers, so we're hoping to find some additional brave souls willing to fuzz up their upper lip for the next month to raise money for DonorsChoose.org. It's good times and you'll never remember how stupid you looked. Except for all the pictures documenting it:



Speaking of mustaches, today's quote is from Legendary Mustached American Burt Reynolds:

"There are three stages of an actor`s career. Young, old, and "You look good".

Suffice it to say, when you have a one-week old mustache, you won't look good. But you will be doing something good for the world. So if you're in Charlotte (or in one of these other cities, sign up and grow. It's only 4 weeks - but the projects will make a huge difference in schoolchildren's lives. Word!

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

quote of the day (Election Day 2008)

In case you weren't sure, today is Election Day here in the good ol' USA, and rather than say anything about this election - since everybody is undoubtedly sick of hearing about it. Just remember when you're voting to elect a leader who's not afraid to make a mistake.

There's still to write in George Oscar Bluth on your ballot!

In addition to the bold leadership of GOB's presidency, sometimes it also helps to remember our history and how it shapes events of today. Author/humorist Dave Barry shows how the USA's intervention in other countries' affairs is a long-standing tradition.

"The first major president to be elected after the War of 1812 was President Monroe Doctrine, who became famous by developing the policy for which he is named. This policy, which is still in effect today, states that:
(1)Other nations are not allowed to mess around with the internal affairs of nations in this hemisphere.
(2)But we are.
(3)Ha-ha-ha."

Dave Barry, in his book Dave Barry Slept Here: A Sort of History of the United States

Finally, if you decide there's no candidate you prefer for ANY office, feel free to follow QOTD's lead by writing in Bill Pullman (or alternatively, Thomas Whitmore, Pullman's character in Independence Day) for every position on the ballot, including coroner and dog catcher.

Friday, October 31, 2008

quote of the day (Halloween 2008)

It's another Halloween, time for boys to dress up as something allegedly funny or ironic, and girls to dress up as something super-slutty. And for everyone to eat lots of razor blade-infested candy. Good times.

If you're having some trouble deciding on what to be for your Halloween party, let's let the kids from South Park lead the way:

QOTD does not endorse dressing up like Hitler. Or growing Hitler mustaches. That's outlawed by the Mustaches for Kids bylaws. We also do not endorse dressing up like Raggedy Andy, unless you want all the local Chewbaccas to kick your ass.

So, for your "enjoyment", a couple Halloween quotes:

"This Halloween the most popular mask is the Arnold Schwarzenegger mask. And the best part? With a mouth full of candy you will sound just like him."
--Conan O'Brien

"There are three things I have learned never to discuss with people: religion, politics and the Great Pumpkin."
--Linus Van Pelt in It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown

And now, for our costume judging, back to South Park, season one, "Pink Eye":

Thursday, October 30, 2008

quote of the day (October 30, 2008)

Okay - so it's been more than a week. And we have lots to report on. The election is coming up. Another Mustaches for Kids drive is only 2 weeks away! The OGoQOTD became the OFoQOTD (Official Fiance of QOTD) when she put the One Ring on her finger in San Francisco. Luckily she has absolutely nothing in common with Frodo (other than the fact that Frodo hung out with one of The Goonies and The Goonies is the OFoQOTD's favorite movie). But she still chose to disregard this sensible piece of advice from QOTD's boys, The Flight of the Conchords:



Speaking of Flight of the Conchords, whenever we get angry, we like to angry dance like Bret. But honestly, as funny as that scene was, it's no funnier than Kevin Bacon's original serious angry dance from Footloose:

Nothing gets me wanting to angry dance more than John Lithgow.

So, in honor of all of the above, from Flight of the Conchords, which ties it all together, even Murray the Mustache (since mustached men tend to have more threesomes than the general population - it's a fact. Just ask John Hodgman!):

Jemaine: You don't even know anything about threesomes.
Bret: Have you ever had a threesome?
Jemaine: Nearly.
Bret: What do you mean, nearly?
Jemaine: I've had a twosome.
Bret: Wow. What was that like?
Jemaine: Great. I've done it several times, man.
Bret: Just one of you here... and then one.. Oh well then, I've had a twosome!

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

QOTD on Strike!


Not really. We're just away from our computer on our West Coast tour for the next week or so.

But we'll be back to quoting the hell right out of you when we return.

In case you're interested in what QOTD will be up to when we visit the San Francisco area, this clip should get you up to speed:


CUT. IT. OUT, indeed.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

it quotes from something when it's told, or else it gets the hose again (October 16, 2008)

What are you, about a size 14?

Despite the fact that we at QOTD are basically lovable, swell guys who are known to shower at least bi-weekly, we sometimes have disagreements with our many fans. Sometimes these disagreements can be vehement (e.g. someone says Entourage is funnier than Arrested Development - note, this is only a fictional example. No such person exists.) and sometimes these disagreements can be minor (e.g. someone thinks Joe Don Baker's work in Mitchell is excellent, but I think Joe Don Baker's work in Mitchell makes him the Olivier of our time.).

One example of a major disagreement that comes up surprisingly often in my life is a difference of opinion between the Official Girlfriend of QOTD (OGoQOTD) and me over Silence of the Lambs character Jame Gumb (better known as Buffalo Bill).

This is a true photo of OGoQOTD reacting to my joy while thinking about Mr. Gumb's absurd antics:



Sure, it's true that he's a serial killer. That's generally not cool. And it's also true that he would throw his victims down a well, starve them and then kill them so he could make a skin suit for himself. This is also behavior that is frowned upon by polite society.

However, despite these character flaws, he also has these wonderful traits**:

--tucks his junk between his legs and dances around in a kimono
--has a little yappy dog he calls Precious
--talks in a ludicrously low, creaky voice
--uses some of the most ridiculous lines ever, including his fabulous "lotion in the basket" routine



Suffice it to say, if you can do a passable imitation of the character while saying any of these lines, know that you'll get a huge laugh from the QOTD bureau. (You just might get punched in the throat by OGoQOTD)

"It rubs the lotion on its skin, or else it gets the hose again."

"Don't you hurt my dog!"

"It places the lotion in the basket. PUT THE F---ING LOTION IN THE BASKET!!"

Anyway, alert reader Mike Bufkin sent the following song to our attention. The song is called "Lotion" (hmmm, guess what it's about?), and it's the brilliant work of a Chicago-based band called The Greenskeepers. Amazingly, it appeared in an episode of Grey's Anatomy, which makes us want to take back everything bad we've ever said about that show (even though we've never seen it). It is NOT safe for work. But it is very funny. If you're the sort of person who giggles when Jame Gumb appears on screen, that is.

Amy Winehouse wins multiple Grammy Awards, and this doesn't even get nominated? Conspiracy!!


**QOTD in no way endorses any of Jame Gumb's behaviors in the real world. Although if you want to name your dog Precious and dance around in a kimono, feel free. Just don't invite us to your parties.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

quote of the day (October 15)

Though the bad news has seemed to slow down a bit this week, times are still bad out there. And with the final presidential debate scheduled for tonight, maybe the American people are in need of some tough love. If only Al Swearengen was running for president. (Al Swearengen (Ian McShane) = the murderous saloon owner from HBO's Deadwood, back when HBO had shows worth watching)

Al's pep talk to the newspaper man A.W. Merrick (Jeffrey Jones):

"Pain or damage don’t end the world, or despair or f***ing beatings. The world ends when you’re dead. Until then, you got more punishment in store. Stand it like a man — and give some back."

Showtime has its own great tv series, Dexter, which they have been kind enough not to kill. If police forensics expert/serial killer Dexter Morgan were running for president against Mr. Swearengen, he'd opt for the Bill Clinton-style of "feeling your pain":

"If I had a heart, it would probably be breaking right now."

Swearengen vs Dexter. If only tonight's debate would be more like this, I'd be a lot more excited about watching.



If only tonight's debate would be this fun.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

quote of the day (October 14, 2008)

While most of the QOTD audience is either familiar with or a big fan of the US version of The Office, not many have seen the original UK version. The original was probably funnier, but definitely tougher to watch. Unlike Steve Carell's gentler, good-natured Michael Scott, the British Office was led by Ricky Gervais' insincere, aggressively stupid David Brent.

During one scene in the series' second episode, Brent (Gervais) and the Assistant to the Regional Manager, bug-eyed Gareth Keenan (Mackenzie Crook) have a brilliant conversation about sexual harassment, brought about by doing "research" on XXX websites:

David: "Look at this - Dutch girls must be punished for having big boobs. Now you do not punish someone, Dutch or otherwise for having big boobs.

Gareth: "If anything they should be rewarded."

David: "They should be equal."

Gareth: "Women are equal."

David: "I've always said that."

David Brent and Gareth Keenan, fighting every day to make the workplace safe for women everywhere!

And, in another great aside, receptionist Dawn (Lucy Davis) talks about her engagement to warehouse worker Lee (Joel Beckett):

"He proposed on a Valentine's day, although he didn't do it face to face, he did it in one of the little Valentine bits in the paper. I think he had to pay for it by the word, because it just said 'Lee love Dawn, marriage?' which you know, I like, because it's not often you get to something that's both romantic and thrifty."

During a training workshop at the office, David Brent sings his hit song "Free Love Freeway"

Monday, October 13, 2008

quote of the day (October 13, 2008)

Well, NASCAR week here at QOTD was a pretty big fizzle, huh? Two quotes in five days? Pretty weak, even by QOTD's lax standards. But most of our readership probably doesn't give a damn about racin', so really we were just doing you a favor.

You're welcome.

In sad recent news that everyone has already heard, the great actor and philanthropist Paul Newman passed away on September 26. While many will remember his on-screen roles in classics such as Cool Hand Luke, The Sting and Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid, our favorite role was when he showed his harder edge as minor league hockey player/coach Reg Dunlop in 1977's Slap Shot.

As the hockey season has just begun, it seems like a good time to use Slap Shot as today's quote. And if you haven't seen it, buy or rent a hockey stick, and cross-check yourself in the face. Once you've regained consciousness, go watch the movie.

Here's the opening scene (don't worry - no spoilers!) which should be a good intro to both the movie and the world of hockey penalties for our southern readers:



In a later scene, Dunlop (Newman) discusses the Charlestown Chiefs' newest acquisitions, the Hanson Brothers (pictured below) with the team's owner, Joe McGrath (Strother Martin):

[after meeting the Hansons]
Dunlop: "Oh you cheap son of a bitch. Are you crazy? Those guys are retards!"

McGrath: "I got a good deal on those boys. The scouts said they showed a lot of promise."

Dunlop: "They brought their f***in' TOYS with 'em!" (The Hansons are playing with their slot-car racing set in the hotel)

McGrath: "Well, I'd rather have em playin with their toys than playin with themselves."

Dunlop: "They're too dumb to play with themselves. I've done enough s**twork for today. What did you trade for them, a used puck bag? Boy, every piece of garbage that comes into the market and you gotta buy it!"

McGrath: "Reg, Reg, that reminds me. I was coachin' in Omaha in 1948 and Eddie Shore sends me this guy who was a terrible masturbator, you know, couldn't control himself. Why, he would get deliberate penalties so he could get over in the penalty box all by himself and damned if he wouldn't... you know..."

Two fearsome sets of Hanson brothers.

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

quote of the day (October 8, 2008)

Day two (er, three) of NASCAR week here at QOTD, all gearing up for the ultra-prestigious Dollar General 300 in the NASCAR Nationwide series this Friday night. Where QOTD (and its closest friends) will be in attendance, because it's cheaper and shorter than the real race on Saturday. That's the sort of dedication QOTD has to auto racing here in Charlotte (future home of the NASCAR Hall of Fame). It's hard to overstate the excitement at one of these races, but I think this clip might give you an idea:

She's more into the rubbin' than the racin'.

For today's quote, we're going to go to the 1975 brilliantly low-brow satire Death Race 2000. In this movie, a totalitarian government has taken over the United States, and pacifies the public with a brutal cross-country car race where competitors get points for running over civilians, with bonuses for babies and the elderly. Including such campy actors as Sylvester Stallone and David Carradine, the movie is ridiculous horror-style fun. Apparently much better than the watered down version that appeared in theatres this past summer (but only for a couple of weeks - I'm sure you can catch it on DVD soon).

Billy leans on his piano and contemplates what a talented Death Race competitor he would have been...

So during the race, some doctors set a bunch of elderly patients out in the middle of the street to be mowed down by the drivers during what they call "Euthanasia Day". Driver Frankenstein (Carradine) aims for the doctors instead, and the jovial commentators give their opinions:

Junior: "Frankenstein scores! Frankenstein scores at last! But what kind of a score, boys and girls? Just 80 points out a possible big 700. What do you think, Gracie?"

Grace Pander: "Well, those doctors - dear friends of mine - have been pretty smug all these years setting up the old folks. Frankenstein must have decided it was their turn."

Harold: "Which only goes to show that even the fearsome Frankenstein has a one-hundred-percent, red-blooded American sense of humor, heh heh."

Monday, October 6, 2008

quote of the day (October 6, 2008): NASCAR week begins!

Exciting days here in the greater Charlotte area, as NASCAR roars back into town this weekend. Although the October race has a significant decrease in fanfare and festivities from the more popular Memorial Day Coca-Cola 600, it's still a lot of fun. Especially the fact that you can bring coolers into the stands. With beer! What a wonderful country.

The mountains win again. Your hangover? A distant third.

Even MORE fun for those of us in the quotation game are the many dubious auto racing movies that we'll be able to quote this week, building up to the weekend's race.

From the most obvious NASCAR-related movie, 1990's Days of Thunder, Cole Trickle (Tom Cruise), new NASCAR driver and Dick Trickle's illegitimate son, discusses race strategy with his crew chief Harry Hogge (Robert Duvall):

Harry: "Cole, you're wandering all over the track!"
Cole: "Yeah, well this son of a bitch just slammed into me."
Harry: "No, no, he didn't slam you, he didn't bump you, he didn't nudge you... he rubbed you. And rubbin', son, is racin'."

Ryan Newman, consider yourself rubbed. (Ryan Newman = favorite driver of the J-Dawg, the official girlfriend of QOTD)

Friday, October 3, 2008

quote of the day (October 3)

It's an odds-and-ends kind of Friday. So rather than going for some sort of unifying theme for today's quote(s), I'm going to go ahead and just pick a few that made me laugh, and not worry about tying them together. (QOTD Readers (in unison): Wait, these things usually are supposed to have a theme?)

We'll start with some nerdy humor, and then move to the broader stuff later. Richard Loeb was a famous 1920's criminal (along with his partner Nathan Leopold, Jr) who was imprisoned for kidnapping and killing a 14 year old boy for the fun of it. He was also known to be exceptionally intelligent, proven by his being the youngest graduate in the history of the University of Michigan. So when Loeb was himself killed in prison, allegedly in retaliation for coming onto a fellow prisoner, Chicago Daily News newspaperman Ed Lahey wrote this beautiful lede:

"Richard Loeb, despite his erudition, today ended his sentence with a proposition."

Ah...nothing like a little newspaper grammar humor for you. But before we get to another quote, it's a song that will stick in your head for the rest of the weekend. Thank me on Monday:



Now for a quote with a bit more mass appeal from the From the decidedly NOT safe for work gossip blog What Would Tyler Durden Do?, the blog's author has some commentary on a recent stunt by the painfully tedious Madonna:

"Someone put some pictures from the Madonna concert last night in Los Angeles on their live journal page, and here are a few of the pictures on Madonna being "crucified" during the show while wearing a crown of thorns. The problem of course is that I'm so uptight, and her shocking "in your face" attitude is too much for me and the other stuffy blue bloods at the yacht club to handle. That's the only possible reason to not love stuff like this. In fact, when I first heard, my monocle popped from eye and fell into my champagne glass and I fainted on one of the peacocks."

This reminds us of the classic Onion article "Marilyn Manson Now Going Door-to-Door Trying to Shock People" It's really sad that the genius who once starred in brilliant films like Body of Evidence is reduced to cheap publicity stunts that no one in the world could possibly care about.

Thursday, October 2, 2008

quote of the day (October 2, 2008)

With the nation anxiously awaiting the Vice Presidential debate (coming at you from the Official Birthplace of QOTD--St. Louis, Missouri), we figured we'd run a few quotes by some of the funnier writers/performers on each side of the political spectrum.

St. Louis' famous Gateway Arch, in a photo taken from across the river in East St. Louis, right before the photographer was robbed and beaten to death

First, on the right, more of a Libertarian than a Republican, P.J. O'Rourke:

From his 2004 book, Peace Kills: America's Fun New Imperialism:

"Wherever there's injustice, oppression, and suffering, America will show up six months late and bomb the country next to where it's happening."

and, from his 1996 treatise, Why I am a Conservative:

"There is no virtue in compulsory government charity, and there is no virtue in advocating it. A politician who portrays himself as caring and sensitive because he wants to expand the government's charitable programs is merely saying that he is willing to do good with other people's money. Well, who isn't? And a voter who takes pride in supporting such programs is telling us that he will do good with his own money— if a gun is held to his head."

So, the right heard from, let's try out the left, represented by Daily Show host Jon Stewart:

"President Bush announced his new economic plan. The centerpiece was a proposed repeal of the dividend tax on stocks, a boon that could be worth millions of dollars to average Americans. Well, average stock-owning Americans. Technically, Americans who own a significant amount of shares in dividend-dealing companies. Well, rich people, that's what I'm trying to say. They're going to do really well with this."

And, another Stewart quote that might be relevant tomorrow depending on tonight's debate performances:

“Does anyone know...does the Christian persecution complex have an expiration date? Because...uh...you've all been in charge pretty much since...uh...what was that guys name...Constantine. He converted in, what was it, 312 A.D. I'm just saying, enjoy your success.”

When the debate ends, we can count on NBC Analyst Chuck Todd or Murray, the Conchords band manager to give us his feedback!

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

quote of the day (October 1, 2008)

Now that we've addressed our female fanbase with yesterday's quote, we can get back to our usual shenanigans.

In order to distract ourselves from the United States' impending return to the barter system, we have caught several 80's movies that we'd never seen due to our parents' insistence on such things as homework and reading (see, Mom and Dad - all that education paid off! Now I'm writing a blog that no one reads!). As a result, we're just now watching such "classics" as Wildcats, Bloodsport and Teen Wolf (we have still not seen the Jason Bateman star turn in Teen Wolf Too). One thing that can be said about the 80's movie, as a genre, is those bastards really knew how to do a montage.

Now we know where Trey Parker and Matt Stone got their ideas

You'd think after seeing some of these movies, some of our latter-day movie characters might have understood the power of a good montage. For example, in the movie Seven, if Gwyneth Paltrow's character had spent a little less time whining about living in the big bad city and a little more time learning the crane kick from a kindly Asian master while synthesizer music blared in the backgound, I think we all know that something different would've ended up in the box.

Det. Mills: "What's in the bohhhhhhx?" Det. Somerset: "MMmmmm..looks like some delicious cookies!"

Anyway, the montage is indeed a powerful thing. As is this quote from Teen Wolf, one of the aforementioned 80's movies:

"There are three rules that I live by: never get less than twelve hours sleep; never play cards with a guy who has the same first name as a city; and never get involved with a woman with a tattoo of a dagger on her body. Now you stick to that, and everything else is cream cheese."
--basketball coach Bobby Finstock (Jay Tarses) gives Scott Howard (Michael J. Fox) some advice that is useful for all of us

AND...as a bonus, a surprisingly funny quote from the movie's Wikipedia entry on the ending (MAJOR SPOILERS AHEAD - if you're as behind on your 80's movies as we are at QOTD):

"In a dramatic ending set to the tones of musician Mark Safan, Scott is able to rally the team back to within a point as time is expiring. Scott is fouled by Mick on the final play and given two shots. In a clear violation of the rules, Mick is able to stand underneath the basket as Scott attempts his foul shots. Despite having to jump to complete the free throws, Scott makes them both and the Beavers win the game."

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

quote of the day (September 30, 2008)

We know that we here at QOTD probably skew male with our postings. Too many sports quotes. Not enough HGTV (or whatever it is you ladies are watching these days). But today, just to prove that we're unafraid of getting in touch with our feminine side, we've got a quote for you from The Devil Wears Prada, where main character Andy Sachs (Anne Hathaway) is having a conversation with her co-worker, Emily (Emily Blunt):

Emily: "Andrea, my God! You look so chic."

Andy: "Oh, thanks. You look so thin."

Emily: "Really? It's for Paris, I'm on this new diet. Well, I don't eat anything and when I feel like I'm about to faint I eat a cube of cheese. I'm just one stomach flu away from my goal weight."

Of course, our motive for quoting that movie MIGHT have been so we could show this picture of the lovely Anne Hathaway, QOTD's favorite female-type celebrity (until any of QOTD's lady readers become famous, because you are, quite frankly, stunning in that outfit!):



And, another show the ladies love is HBO's late, lamented Sex & the City - here's a quote from Season 5:

"People go to casinos for the same reason they go on blind dates: hoping to hit the jackpot. But mostly, you just wind up broke or alone in a bar."
--Carrie Bradshaw (Sarah Jessica Parker) in a voiceover commentary


Though today's post was meant for the ladies, we don't want to scare off the male viewers with pictures of Parker or Kim Catrall (Samantha). Instead, we'll just run with another picture of Ms. Hathaway (who is on Letterman this evening, in case you were wondering):

Monday, September 29, 2008

quote of the day (September 29, 2008): Apocalypse Edition

Well, as we speak (type), the Dow Jones is down about 6% of its total value, soon we will all be depositing our paychecks into accounts at BANK, the last standing bank in the United States, and apparently Clay Aiken is gay. It's like the world is coming to an end.

With all this uncertainty floating around, you're looking for something to help you make it through another day. Well, geez, man, take it easy. This is a QUOTING blog. What the hell did you think we were going to do for you? Just settle down and watch this video from The Lonely Island:



Okay, now that you're feeling a little better, we'll go back to everyone's problems at work. Scott Adams' daily cartoon strip Dilbert probably is a little too close to your office situation. Luckily, we don't much care, so we're going to do a couple of quotes from there, anyway:

"We can't compete on price. We also can't compete on quality, features or service. That leaves fraud, which I'd like you to call marketing."
--The Pointy-Haired Boss gives some instructions to his department that has also worked for Axe Body Spray.

The red Swingline is doubly practical - it serves as a functional and attractive stapler and its red color hides the blood if you're forced to use it to bludgeon your boss to death (bludgeoning not endorsed by QOTD)

"All great ideas look like bad ideas to people who are losers. It's always good to test a new idea with known losers to make sure they don't like it."
--Dogbert gives you some invaluable advice if you're looking to start your own business...

Friday, September 26, 2008

quote of the day (September 26, 2008)

Although we at QOTD are mostly known for our silliness, we have a serious side as well. We want our readers to come away having learned something. So, to that end, here's a verbatim transcript of today's entry on QOTD's Freakonomics desk calendar:

"A recent gang murder in San Diego claimed the life of a man named Dom Perignon Champagne. His mother's name is Perfect Engelberger."

As someone who has had his name mistaken for Cristal champagne on multiple occasions, let this be a QOTD Service Announcement: Don't name your children after champagne. They're likely to end up dead. Or running public service announcements on their widely-ignored blog. Thanks for your time.

Now that we've educated our readers, and even given them a little public service announcement, we can get on to our usual stupidity.

From season one of the US version of The Office, Michael Scott (Steve Carell) talks about his basketball game in one of the better surreal pieces of dialogue ever featured on the show:

"Do I have a nickname on the court? The Answer would be good, but that's taken. I think I would be...The Question. 'The Answer dishes to the Question - Question back to the Answer. Answer to the Question. Answer, three points. Question, six points! Question: who's the best player on the team? Answer: The Question!'"

Thursday, September 25, 2008

quote of the day (September 25, 2008)



We did a bowling quote last Thursday to commemorate the start of the fall season for The Official Bowling Team of QOTD (TOBTQ), Business Time. Since we were off traveling to an out-of-town quoting convention, we missed out on our team's 8-0 evening.

But, to get ourselves fired up for tonight's festivities, we've got a couple of other bowling-related quotes from the only TV show ever to feature a combination bowling alley owner/lawyer, NBC's Ed.

From Phil Stubbs (Michael Ian Black, very famous), one of Ed's employees at the bowling alley:

"I never liked kids. They're like small drunk adults."


And, from a scene when Ed (Tom Cavanaugh) is speaking about being a lawyer to the students in the class of teacher Carol Vessey (Julie Bowen):

Carol: "Does anyone have any questions for Mr. Stevens? Warren?"

Warren Cheswick (Justin Long, the annoying Mac guy from the commercials): "Yeah, I was just wondering, umm... when you invite a client over to your office for the first time, and they see that it's, like... in a bowling alley, or whatever... umm... are they ever, like, 'Thanks, but I think I'm gonna find a lawyer whose office is *not* in a bowling alley,' or..."

Ed: "It happens. Sometimes."


And finally, a clip from the show, showing one of Ed's $10 bets with his best friend, Dr. Mike Burton (Josh Holloway) at the bowling alley. A bonus for St. Louis Rams fans in the QOTD reading audience - the song in the background is Todd Rundgren's "Bang the Drum All Day", which used to play at the Dome when the Rams would score touchdowns. We're not sure anyone knows what they play these days, since the Rams haven't scored a touchdown since 2003. Anyway, the clip:

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

quote of the day (September 24, 2008)

The QOTD is a non-partisan organization. We will not take a public stand on anything political, unless we're quoting Mayors Quimby or McCheese. An example of just how non-partisan we are: the next time one of you knuckleheads "wittily" suggest that you are moving to a foreign country if your presidential candidate loses, you can expect to be wittily kicked in the junk (guys: testicles. gals: ovaries).

My friend? My friend? You've been kicked in the nuts.

In fact, if you're so anxious to leave, the QOTD Bureau will happily help your drama-queen ass pack up your belongings. Don't get us wrong - we love traveling and living abroad. This is not to denigrate our wonderful international readers, most of whom have accidentally found this website while searching for "Burt Reynolds big hat funny" (ed: other than the blog title, this is the most-common google search that leads people to this site. true story!). But to everyone that thinks it's some kind of threat when they talk about moving overseas, trust us. We probably won't miss you. (ed note #2: clearly we're not referring to you. You are both riotously funny AND stunningly good-looking. But seriously. Enough with the moving business.)

On a happier political note, when alert reader Mike Bufkin pointed out that NBC News' political expert Chuck Todd is a dead ringer for this blog's namesake, Murray Hewitt(Rhys Darby), band manager for Flight of the Conchords, we were stunned that we hadn't already made the connection:

Murray: Hey, Gingerballs? What, are you going to the dick meeting? Chuck: Present.

It would be so great to have Murray at the NBC news-desk talking about how for McCain to win Florida, he'd need a 90-10 fliparound. Or telling David Gregory that if Obama wanted to improve his polling with working class white voters, he should just grow a goatee.

Or Chuck Todd could manage the Conchords and show powerpoint pie charts about their fanbase's song requests.

The possibilities are endless. But our energy is not. So we're going to leave you with a video quote where Murray gets to sing his own song about his lovely tech-support woman:

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

quote of the day (September 23, 2008)

As the world's financial systems crumble around us, it's always good to take a few moments to reflect on our individual situations and come up with a personal plan to survive these difficult economic times. Or, better yet, we could just look to the advice of steel magnate Herman Blume (Bill Murray) from the movie Rushmore, when he speaks to the students at the Rushmore Academy:

"You guys have it real easy. I never had it like this where I grew up. But I send my kids here because the fact is you go to one of the best schools in the country: Rushmore. Now, for some of you it doesn't matter. You were born rich and you’re going to stay rich. But here's my advice to the rest of you: Take dead aim on the rich boys. Get them in the crosshairs and take them down. Just remember, they can buy anything but they can't buy backbone. Don't let them forget it. Thank you."

And for good measure, our favorite scene from the movie. "Nice nurse's uniform, guy..."

Thursday, September 18, 2008

quote of the day (September 18, 2008)

Today marks the return of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia on F/X. Aggressively offensive? Yes. Very funny? Also, yes. In today's quote, Dennis (Glenn Howerton) and Charlie (Charlie Day) try to get into a locked door:

Charlie: It's locked! All right, let me try this out.
Dennis: What is that, your apartment key? That's not gonna work!
Charlie: Why not?
Dennis: We're not at your apartment, sh**head!
Charlie: Well how many possible lock combinations can there be?
Dennis: Oh, so many, dude, like hundreds of millions.
Charlie: Well eventually they're gonna overlap--
Dennis: They're not ever gonna--
Charlie: You know what, you're right, it's not working.
Dennis: Oh, no sh**.
Charlie: Well it was worth a try!
Dennis: It was not worth a try.

Community service is fun.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

quote of the day (September 17, 2008)

Sorry for our consistent inconsistency. We've been traveling a lot and waylaid by work (egad!). Sadly, we're off again to Dallas tomorrow, which means that we're going to miss Opening Day for QOTD's own bowling team. As all of you already know, Sundays are for bowling, but for those of us on Business Time, we add Thursday to the mix. In honor of the team:

Conditions are perfect for bowling. And beer.

Anyway, as a random study, given QOTD's start as a mustache chronicle and our impending bowling season, we checked out the PBA bowling homepage (sponsored by Denny's, possibly the greatest match between title sponsor and league of all time) to have a look at the roster of professional bowlers. Out of a possible 58 pictured, only 6 sported a stand-alone 'stache (a hit rate of only 7%). That was mind-blowing to me, I would've bet on at least 25%. In fairness, there were some unfortunate goatees and some very strange looking gentlemen. It's a shame that St. Louis' own Pete Weber changed this sexy look:



Oh well. Essentially all of this was just to say that we're sad we're going to miss opening night. So there you go. On topic, today's quote, from The Big Lebowski, when Maude Lebowski (Julianne Moore) asks The Dude (Jeff Bridges) what he does for recreation:

"Oh, the usual. I bowl. Drive around. The occasional acid flashback."

And, in a youtube clip I initially saw on The Squirrel Slayer, a combination of Wii bowling and The Big Lebowski. Amazingly awesome, but the language is definitely unfriendly for work:



Go Business Time.

Friday, September 12, 2008

quote of the day (September 12, 2008)

Two things that everyone loves: late 80's/early 90's pop music and math. So when today's quote of the day combines them, it's going to be SO exciting!

Pie charts have been used for years to simplify seemingly complex issues for slow-witted individuals (not like QOTD readers, who are both intelligent and exceedingly attractive!). Well, what follows are two pie charts that can help boil down some very difficult concepts for any reader. As noted philosopher Eric Cartman once said, "get your bitch ass back in the kitchen and make me some pie (charts)":





Now a quote that has nothing to do with the above pie charts. Or with Rick Astley and Meat Loaf. But we need to get this thing done so we can prepare for our NYC trip, so you're just going to have to live with our jumbled thinking, and this made us laugh. Have a good weekend, and all that...

"I don't kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above globes. They freak out and yell, 'Whoa, I'm way too high!'"
-Bruce Baum, comedian

Thursday, September 11, 2008

quote of the day (September 11, 2008): QOTD goes back to campus...

This entire blog is a purposely silly endeavor, so we'll avoid the temptation to be serious about the 7th anniversary of the September 11 attacks. But suffice it to say that we're all remembering those who were lost that day.

Now on to our regularly-scheduled silliness...this was one of the absolute all-time favorites we ran back in the original QOTD incarnation at Indiana University. It's a humorous take on the college admissions essay written by high school student Hugh Gallagher in 1990. It was written for a Scholastic Books humor contest (it won), but apparently he did actually send this to colleges as well:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

3A. ESSAY: IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO KNOW YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTION:

ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON?


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.

I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat 400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

But I have not yet gone to college.

"Seven years of college down the drain. Might as well join the f***ing Peace Corps." - the future Senator John Blutarski (John Belushi) in Animal House

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

quote of the day (September 10, 2008)

This is this blog's 100th post already. We wish we could have a star-studded musical episode, like many mediocre TV comedies might attempt, but alas, unless we're at karaoke singing Spinal Tap's Big Bottom, we're not much for musical numbers.

Talk about mudflaps, my girl's got 'em!

However, speaking of mediocre comedies, the fifth season of Entourage is back on HBO. This show was funny at one point, but has been painful to watch for at least the last season and a half. Take away Jeremy Piven's frantic agent Ari Gold and his assistant Lloyd (Rex Lee) and you basically have a group of unlikeable douchebags and their uninteresting problems (that all get solved within 30 minutes). Luckily, I got rid of HBO after they lost The Wire, The Sopranos and Deadwood, so I'm never tempted to see if Entourage has ceased sucking.

(ranting is fun.)

So, making another awkward transition, let's remember back to when HBO had truly great shows on its network, like this one:



From HBO's Fraggle Rock, in a quote that could certainly describe today's QOTD:

Mokey Fraggle: "It was rapturous!"
Red Fraggle: "Is "rapturous" the same as "boring"?"
Wembley Fraggle: "I don't think so."
Red Fraggle: "Then she's wrong."

Monday, September 8, 2008

quote of the day (September 9, 2008)

Not all international signs are quite this self-explanatory.

As most of QOTD's eagle-eyed audience has no doubt already realized, there's a new link at the top of our page. Yes - over there - on the right. Mike Klein, friend and occasional reader of QOTD, is taking the next 9 months to walk the Earth, get in adventures, like Caine in Kung Fu. He is detailing his travels in his new blog Send Money Please. It's certainly worth a visit, if for no other reason to see his (very long) flight itinerary.

All this around the world stuff (and my own exceedingly huge dancing talent) certainly puts us in the mind to post a video from "Where the Hell is Matt?". Matt is a guy who travels around the world having footage of him dancing at various world sites. The original video is a lot of fun, but his most recent one embedded below is even better - with people joining him in his dances at every stop.



Anyway, since we're in a global travel sort of mood, we'll do a couple of quotes from author/humorist Dave Barry's Only Travel Guide You'll Ever Need:

"No matter what destination these (travel) books are talking about, they’ll tell you it’s wonderful: “Even the most demanding traveler is bound to feel a warm glow after only a few days in Chernobyl..."

"The first rule of travel finance is that no matter what is going on elsewhere in the world, the dollar is always getting weaker where you are. By the time you’ve spent a couple of days in a foreign country, the natives will be blowing their noses on the dollar."

quote of the day (September 8, 2008)

Today's quote was requested by alert reader John Basler, and though he sent it in, we didn't need much prodding. Those who have known us for more than about 3 weeks have had the brilliance of Mystery Science Theater 3000's epic version of Mitchell:

Mitchell's theme song: Keep your eyeeeeeee on the sammich!

Mitchell stars often-fine actor Joe Don Baker as a chubby, abrasive, perplexed and alcoholic cop who sleeps with hookers when he's not out assaulting civilians and being a rule-breaker! In fairness, the actual theatrical movie makes more sense than the MST3K version, which cut out 30 minutes of the film (though not MUCH more sense).

In one action-packed scene, Mitchell shoots a civilian on a golf course, for no discernible reason, and Crow (one of the Mystery Science Theater robots that comment on the action, had this to say:

Crow: "Daryl Gates on his day off."
Crow [as Golf Sportscaster]: "He's landed just short of the green."

We could do many more quotes from this fine piece of entertainment, but we'll save those for a rainy day. And by "rainy day", we mean "a day when we can't be bothered to think up anything else". QOTD - it's FANTASTIC!

Instead, we'll leave you with this Mitchell user review by a guy named Xploitedyouth from Internet Movie Database:

"While this film is undeniably bad, one can't help but respect the filmmakers for trying something new. Movie cops are usually strong, resourceful, quick-thinking and quick-acting. They don't usually play by the rules, but they get the job done. They're usually played by attractive, young, popular actors that people like, and usually get the classiest ladies. Now, take a look at MITCHELL. MITCHELL stars Joe Don Baker as Mitchell, a cop who fits none of the above, "cookie-cutter" prerequisite stereotypes. Mitchell is fat. Mitchell is sloppy. He's an alcoholic. His apartment is filthy and littered with porn. The only woman he can get is a prostitute, and he treats her like a lowly dog. Mitchell is stupid. He's incompetant. The only way he gets any crimes solved is purely by accident, and because the villains in the movie overestimate him. Joe Don Baker is not a hot young actor. He's not popular and he's not good looking. So, kudos to the filmmakers! Way to break down barriers."

Friday, September 5, 2008

quote of the day (September 5, 2008)

There is a topic in journalism called "burying the lede", whereby a writer begins an article with items of lesser importance while delaying the more interesting pieces of information to later. Since we have the greatest video of all time at the end of today's quote, we could be accused of burying the lede. We prefer to think of it as building to a crescendo.

So let's get the lesser stuff out of the way. From hipster music critic/author Chuck Klosterman, he has a comment on other hipsters that should make alert reader Jane Searson very happy:

"The most wretched people in the world are those who tell you they like every kind of music "except country." People who say that are boorish and pretentious at the same time. All it means is that they've managed to figure out the most rudimentary rule of pop sociology; they know that hipsters gauge the coolness of others by their espoused taste in sound, and they know that hipsters hate modern country music. And they hate it because it speaks to normal people in a tangible, rational manner. Hipsters hate it because they hate Midwesterners, and they hate Southerners, and they hate people with real jobs."

New York gossip blog Gawker.com came up with the ultimate Chuck Klosterman Opinion Generator. Certainly worth looking at if you've ever read his books or essays (click on it to see it more clearly):



Alright. Now onto the headliner. This movie we're linking to is so good, you probably need to sell your car and rent out a movie theater to experience it properly (ahem, propa-ly). It was suggested by infrequent visitor and official mortgage broker of QOTD, Ed Glanz, but we were totally unprepared for its power. Just make sure when you click on it, you give yourself a good 11 minutes to watch. Look for all of the fun athlete cameos during the film (a fun sidenote: how many of them have been accused of or admitted to taking steroids?) and the appearance of Gordon Shumway in the bizarre/unrelated ending to the clip.

The only downside is that the person who posted this clip declined to make it available for embedding - so this will open in a new window. Just be prepared when you click: The greatest 11 minutes of your life

Thursday, September 4, 2008

quote of the day (September 4, 2008)

Two days in a row!! Look out, world!

Denim. It's not just for never-nudes.

Anyway, we realized it's been over two months since we brought you our last Flight of the Conchords quote. And given their recent announcement that their upcoming 10-episode season on HBO will be the end of the show, this seems like as good an excuse as we need to bring you another one.

From one of their live shows, introducing their hip-hop sensation "Hiphopapotamus vs. Rhymenocerous":

"We're Flight of the Conchords, from New Zealand. I dunno if you guys know much about New Zealand, but, uh, a few years ago we invented something we call hip-hop. In 2001. Do you remember when we invented hip-hop that day, with Steve? At the barbecue?"

Band manager Murray (the inspiration for the blog name!) lectures the Conchords about the dangers of New York City after dark...

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

quote of the week (August 27-September 3)

We know we've been especially disappointing over the last week. No new quotes or even anything fun to look at. So here's something fun to look at:

For the gentlemen, the lovely Anna Friel, from one of our favorite returning tv shows, ABC's Pushing Daisies:



And now for the ladies, from Arrested Development, the dapper and charming never-nude, Tobias Fünke:



Now that we've provided some eye candy, onto the quotes, which are all over the map.

This quote came to our attention from DC bureau co-chief Brian Williams (pictured below with his winning entry in the Keith Hernandez look-a-like contest - NOTE: this was NOT done for charity - just for the love of the game).



He sent in a quote from the little-noticed acrimonious split between the Chicago Sun-Times and their former sportswriter/grouchy hack Jay Mariotti. Sun-Times editor Michael Cooke had this to say:

"We wish Jay well and will miss him -- not personally, of course -- but in the sense of noticing he is no longer here, at least for a few days."

And then, onto a movie that QOTD heartily recommends for those of you looking to spend the best 81 minutes you'll have all day, the silly but extremely entertaining documentary, Air Guitar Nation, about the World Air Guitar Championships. There is a lot to use from this movie, but the tagline says it best:

"to err is human; to air guitar, divine."

Due to the anti-fun people at NBC Universal, I can't put a clip of Will Arnett's air guitar rendition of the Law & Order theme song here, but instead, I'll include a clip from one of the documentary's stars, Björn Türoque, as he "plays" Black Sabbath in Chicago:

Finally a skill-set that makes me feel pretty good about being able to pass Guitar Hero on Medium