We're disingenuous here at QOTD. So even though Schadenfreude Week technically started last week, we didn't technically say that it was going to be one contiguous 7-day period. So on we go!
We've covered some bad movies, some bad TV, and some bad movies and TV starring Hulk Hogan. But as anyone who's listened to the radio since - well - ever knows, popular music has long been pretty awful.
The miles-long list of especially questionable number one hits in the U.S. include stinkbombs like "Have You Ever Really Loved a Woman" (by the detestable Bryan Adams), "Macarena" (14!! weeks at Number 1 in 1996) by Los Del Rio, "Batdance" by Prince, "In the Year 2525" by Zager and Evans, and "Jingle Jangle Jingle" by Kay Kyser (yeah, we don't know this one either).
You will see no denigration of Ms. Katy Perry on these pages - both because the Official Wife of QOTD loves her, and because we love her HUGE...talent. (apologies to Monty Python)
We referred to this band in an earlier post last year, but no discussion of silly music would be complete without an appearance from the ultra-ridiculous Freddie and the Dreamers. Below, their number one hit from 1965 (amazingly knocking The Supremes' far superior "Stop! In the Name of Love" out of that spot) "I'm Telling You Now":
Next season, on So You Think You Can Dance...
This sets up today's quote from the legendary rock critic Lester Bangs, in the Rolling Stone History of Rock n' Roll:
"... Freddie and the Dreamers [had] no masterpiece but a plentitude of talentless idiocy and enough persistence to get four albums and one film soundtrack released ... the Dreamers looked as thuggish as Freddie looked dippy ... Freddie and the Dreamers represented a triumph of rock as cretinous swill, and as such should be not only respected, but given their place in history."
Like Prince Herbert from Monty Python and the Holy Grail, sometimes we here at the QOTD bureau are known to just belt out a tune in the middle of doing something else. Off-putting? Sure. We're much less likely to angry dance, like Bret:
But sometimes you've just gotta sing. Speaking of which, tonight at Loft 1523, the last ever karaoke night. You know where to find us. (which, given our average daily hit rate is like 10 people, I'm guessing we won't be seeing anyone extra this evening. The saddest thing about that is that we averaged significantly more visitors when we took a year and a half off blogging. This is like land that loses value when you build a house on it. QOTD: It's fantastic!)
Anyway, back to the singing stuff. Since it's Day 3 of Schadenfreude Week - we're going to delve into the glories of two shows that died way too young (for those of us who like terrible tv shows). Musical theatre + dramatic television = together at last in the form of 1990's Cop Rock and 2007's Viva Laughlin.
The oft-mocked Cop Rock was a Steven Bochco production (Hill Street Blues, NYPD Blue) that featured musical segments interspersed between police drama. The ridiculous name probably brought a lot of the ridicule the show faced, but not as much as segments like this, from the pilot episode, when the jury (spoiler alert!) finds the defendent guilty. In gospel choir-style.
QOTD would like to remind its alert readers that ELEVEN episodes of this show aired on network tv, back when people still watched network tv. Today, Cop Rock might be cancelled at the first commercial break.
Learning nothing from this humiliation, Hugh Jackman and company tried another musical drama called Viva Laughlin. This show lasted an entire 2 episodes (1 in Jackman's native Australia) before the merciful end, proving Dr. Cox from Scrubs correct.
If only Professor X could see me now!
For today's quote, Joel McHale from The Soup after Viva Laughlin's untimely demise:
"Sad news. Viva Laughlin, the show that was loved by hundreds, has come to an end after a respectable 2-episode run."
Joel goes on to express his deep sorrow that the show would no longer be around for future segments here:
It's day two of Schadenfreude Week, and when it comes to substandard movies and television, Hulk Hogan is the world heavyweight champion, with such credits as Suburban Commando, Mr. Nanny and 3 Ninjas: High Noon at Mega Mountain under his (WWE title) belt. Of course, all of these bombs are balanced out by his Emmy-winning performance as Hurricane Spencer in the award-winning Thunder in Paradise. We are contractually obligated to post the brilliant opening sequence below. Slice up a lime, crack open a beer and enjoy.
James Cameron wishes he had a special effects budget like this!
But since we're in Schadenfreude Week, we're going to focus on the Hulkster's 1996 gem, Santa with Muscles, which rates a robust #61 on the bottom 100 movies on imdb.com (only 6 spots ahead of yesterday's QOTD inspiration Bucky Larson. Hulk had to be at his movie-killing best to overpower appearances by the likes of Mila Kunis (2 years before That 70's Show, and only one year before her star turn on Walker, Texas Ranger!), Clint Howard, and Ed Begley, Jr. (aka Stan Sitwell).
Quick plot synopsis from IMDB: "An evil millionaire (Hulk Hogan) gets amnesia and then belives that he is Santa Claus." Unfortunately, as a millionaire, Hulk's character had at least 5 times more money than Santa with Muscles grossed in the theatres. I'm sure it was big on VHS, though.
It's hard to imagine that things went off the rails with quotes like the following:
"Santa, you sleigh me!" --Dr. Blight (Steve Valentine) to Santa (Hulk Hogan).
QOTD note for aspiring screenwriters: the use of homophones, like "slay" and "sleigh" for a pun-related joke tends not to work when said aloud, as the joke generally relies on the viewer/listener to understand that you're using the homophone. Similarly, please don't create characters who do nothing but make puns on their name. For examples, please see every line spoken by Arnold Schwarzenegger in Batman & Robin:
Anyway, feel free to add Santa with Muscles to your Netflix (er, Qwikster) queue. You'll want to get it in there now so it will arrive by Christmas. Or Kwanzaa. Or at least by Wrestlemania.
Long-time readers of QOTD (is there another kind?) know that we often enjoy a nice wallow in the misery of others. Specifically the makers of really bad entertainment. This song from the Broadway show Avenue Q pretty much sums up our feelings on the subject. (note: you may want to take Dramamine if you're planning on watching this - the camerawork is pretty Cloverfield)
Since we're always excited to spend some time reviewing crap in pop culture, we thought we'd go ahead and dedicate this second week of our return to focusing on some junk - present and past.
Behold, the Citizen Kane for a new generation!
Recently, a historic film ("an historic film" to our British friends) was foisted upon the unsuspecting movie-going public. This quality pic came from the esteemed Happy Madison production company, whose previous efforts Zookeeper and Just Go With It scored 14% and 20% positive reviews according to Rotten Tomatoes. This movie, Bucky Larson: Born to be a Star has a record-tying Rotten Tomatoes score of 0%. That means that they couldn't find one blogger/reviewer willing to provide a positive review in return for an autographed Mr. Deeds poster. Not only were the overall ratings universally negative, but the average reviewer rating was 1.6 out of 10. Truly an amazing display of putridity, and one that makes us wish we were strong enough to sit through it. Apparently the story of an imbecilic, buck-toothed Iowan who dreams of being a porn star, though a very common tale, is not the Oscar fare you'd think. It's directed by Tom Brady, by the way (not making this up). Though it's probably not the Patriots quarterback with the flowing locks and the supermodel wife, we're going to go ahead and pretend it is anyway. Because we hate the cheating Patriots.
Bieber lookalike AND Bucky Larson director? Way more impressive than those 900 yards of passing this season...
So, for your reading pleasure, some reviews of this quality entertainment:
First, from Grantland.com, Dan Kois' Razzie Award watch column, dedicated to predicting the winners of the Razzie awards, claims that Bucky Larson is a runaway favorite for Worst Movie. From his article:
"Here are 10 scenes that tell us Bucky Larson has the right mix of no-good awfulness and mortifying stupidity and B-list actors doing far from their best work to become a Razzie champ.
1. The scene in which a guy smears peanut butter on his genitals and has his pet goat lick it off. (Note: This is the first scene of the movie.)"
Andrew Barker, from Variety writes: "Adam Sandler's Happy Madison production shingle often alternates between the star's own, bigger-budgeted vehicles and decidedly downmarket pics featuring his buddies. The latter category reaches an almost impossibly low nadir with the Nick Swardson-starring porn-industry comedy "Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star," one of the most astonishingly unfunny films of this or any other year."
"This may be the worst movie Pauly Shore has ever been in. Think about that. If you dare, go on Netflix and test the hypothesis." --A.O. Scott from the New York Times
"This movie is taking poorly written stabs at all kinds of different communities without showing any affection for any of them. The best kind of comedy comes from even the smallest amount of endearment, and this movie has none, leaving it a black smoking crater of bad, unfunny juju." --Grae Drake from Movies.com
Summing things up is Matt Singer from Time Out New York:
"Every paid admission should include a T-shirt that reads, i saw bucky larson and all i got was this dead feeling inside."
Lawyers take a lot of grief. Everyone's heard the jokes (Q: If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him? A: It might be your bicycle. Q: Why do they bury lawyers under 20 feet of dirt? A: Because deep down, they're really good people. etc, etc). We here at the QOTD Bureau are here to stand up for our attorney friends, by going through a list of our favorite members of the legal profession.
Because our research interns are taking time off for Fall Hat Month, we're sure we're missing a few people here. Some lawyers we did NOT miss: Elle Woods (Reese Witherspoon makes our head hurt), Denny Crane (we watched zero episodes of The Practice), Ally McBeal (we preferred the guy from Ghostbusters 2 in that show), and Matlock (it's after Labor Day, friend).
So that opening out of the way, on to our list of our favorite 15 lawyers of all time:
15. Adam Schiff
Though Jack McCoy and Benjamin Stone got more of the attention, the eternally cranky DA makes all those TNT Law & Order marathons worthwhile.
14. Johnnie Cochran (the South Park version)
The real-life Johnnie Cochran might have helped OJ get away with murder with his "if the gloves don't fit, you must acquit" line. But that defense pales in comparison to the Chewbacca defense, which is so powerful that it has its own wikipedia page and is required study in first year law schools all across the land.
13. Atticus Finch
A stand-up dude.
12. That girl from J.A.G.
Okay, so we actually never saw J.A.G.. Nor do we know anyone else who's seen it. But we're pretty sure she was a pretty awesome lawyer. Or something.
11. Tom Hagen
As Don Corleone's right-hand man , he served as the voice of reason but wielded great power. Just like the role Andy Richter plays for Conan O'Brien.
10. Clair Huxtable
Who doesn't love Mrs. Huxtable? And she put up with those sweaters (and presumably lots of Jello pudding pops).
9. Vincent Gambini (Jerry Gallo/Callow)
Vinny's opening statement: "Uh... everything that guy just said is bullshit... Thank you."
8. All attorneys and the judge involved in the court case featured in The Rural Juror, the famous Kevin Grisham novel.
(not pictured)
7. Lt. Sam Weinberg
Another well-known second banana (potentially third, depending on your opinion of Lt. Commander Jo Gallo and her strenuous objections), he stands up for Pvt. Santiago, he gives Lt. Kaffee the "every day of the week and twice on Sunday" pep talk, and he's actually shorter than Tom Cruise, which probably played a huge role in his casting. Not to mention the fact that his role was played on the stage by Official Brother of QOTD, Kevin Doll. Plenty to make it onto this list.
6. Harvey Birdman
Just a great show. And his character is voiced by Bill Lumbergh. Yeaahhhhhh.
5. Punitive Damages
Punitive Damages, Javad Khazaeli's attorney/rapper alter-ego. Best known for his platinum album "Kickin' It in My Legal Briefs". Currently touring Dubai with Gröûp X: Arabian Rap Sensations.
4. Lionel Hutz
The Simpson family lawyer, who sometimes practices out of the "I Can't Believe It's a Law Firm" mall storefront. He also won a case against an all-you-can-eat buffet on Homer's behalf, calling it "the most blatant case of false advertising since The Never Ending Story". That rhetoric is almost as powerful as the Chewbacca defense.
3. Barry Zuckercorn / Wayne Jarvis / Bob Loblaw
The Arrested Development lawyers were, in order, very good, professional, and no hablo espanol. Zuckercorn had the most screen time, having anonymous rest stop sex, not reading pleas, extolling the virtues of Burger King, and even jumping a shark. Jarvis even hid professionally. And Bob Loblaw? Not only did he write the Bob Loblaw Law Blog, but he had one of the best legal commericals of all time:
2. Ed Stevens
The world's preeminent bowling alley attorney and founder of the Festival of Ducks, Ed Stevens was the linchpin (along with Dr. Jerome) of the heavily underrated early 2000s show Ed.
1. Katie Doll
Official Sister of QOTD just passed the bar this week, providing the inspiration for this post. Huge congratulations to her!
Now to the quote:
"I strenuously object?" Is that how it works? Hm? "Objection." "Overruled." "Oh, no, no, no. No, I STRENUOUSLY object." "Oh. Well, if you strenuously object then I should take some time to reconsider."
--Lt. Sam Weinberg, finding fault with Lt. Cmdr. Jo Galloway's objection style in A Few Good Men
This song is both the inspiration for this post's title, and video of Freddie Mercury's awe-inspiring mustache at the peak of its ability to inspire awe.
We're down to the last 24 hours of this year's mustache adventures, and I've spent the last week ill. I'm fairly sure this is a Tobias Funkegraft-versus-host situation. My immune system has been rejecting my mustache. Or my mustache has been holding in the germs. Either way, it's been even more unpleasant than usual over the last week.
Tomorrow night (Friday night, February 12, that is. With hundreds, er, dozens, er high single digits of you reading this blog every day, it's tough to know when you're logging on) is the 'Stache Bash, the big finale party being held at Madison's/the Attic in uptown Charlotte. As part of the festivities, the mustached men get into costume to be paraded in front of local news personalities to judged on quality of 'stache and quality of costume. It's like a Mr. Mustached Charlotte pageant, but I get awarded no points for my talent of doing a Michael McDonald impersonation. Alas. And my GVH affliction has left a little short on the costume front, too. But rather than get too angry about my situation, I choose to make like the aforementioned Mike McD and get smoooooth:
For a final push, we're going to quote our own blog (hooray for laziness! And chutzpah!) from the day of the November 2008 'Stache Bash, and our take on Isaac Hayes' classic Shaft:
Who's the pasty white guy who's a sex machine to all the chicks? 'Stache! You're damn right...
Who is the man Who would risk his upper lip for his brother man? 'Stache! Can ya dig it?
Who's the cat who won't cop out When there's ridicule all about? 'Stache! Right on
You see, this cat 'Stache is a hairy mutha... Shut yo' mouth! But I'm talkin' 'bout 'Stache! Then we can dig it!
He's a complicated man But no one understands him like his woman... 'Stache Bash!
a photo from last year's 'Stache Bash, when I went as everyone's favorite Cuban dictator...
We here at the QOTD Bureau/Mustache Central strive to be all-inclusive, for people of all races, nationalities and faiths. (and people searching google for "Burt Reynolds big hat funny") That's how we've ended up with visitors from 28 countries in the past month (including 2 visitors from Iran and Denmark - we're HUGE there).
But today we're going to reach into our Catholic background to discuss the similarities of the Advent season to the Mustaches for Kids mustache-growing season. For those who don't know, or slept through their Catholic grade school religion classes, Advent is essentially the four-week preparation for the coming of Christmas. Mustache-growing season is essentially a four-week preparation for the removal of my dilapidated mustache.
Many people use traditional Advent calendars to count down until the big day. And most of the growers are counting down the days until we can shave again (13!).
One of the most common Advent traditions is the Advent wreath:
This wreath contains three purple candles and one pink one. The purple candles represent the 1st, 2nd and 4th Sundays in Advent, and the pink represents the third Sunday, also known as Gaudete Sunday (meaning "rejoice"). The lighting of the pink candle means that the Advent preparations are more than half over, and Christmas is coming soon. Drawing on this powerful tradition, we here at the QOTD bureau have come up with what we're now calling the Traditional Mustache Wreath.
Behold, the power of Powerpoint + Microsoft Photo Editor - take that, James Cameron!
As you can see, we've made it to week 3, or John Cleese Week. Lighting the traditional Basil Fawlty candle was a major step for us - it means that we're over halfway through growing season - and that Julie, the Official Wife of QOTD will soon be able to be seen with me in public without cringing! Maybe.
In honor of Mr. Cleese, a scene from the great Fawlty Towers where Basil waits on a table of Germans after suffering a head injury:
In other news, at Mustache Checkpoint #2 on Thursday night, I wore my standard costume and was voted the best lookalike for Coach Mike Ditka. It was inevitable when I wore those excellent sunglasses (and started berating bystanders).
Quick fundraising update: We've now raised well over $25,000 as a group, and thanks to all the generous donors, I've raised $942 and counting. If you'd like to donate, visit My Mustaches for Kids Donation Page.
Today's quote is from a 1991 Saturday Night Live sketch, where The Superfans from Chicago discuss some hypothetical athletic contests:
Bob Swerski (George Wendt): "If I may shift gears for a moment gentleman, coach Ditka vs. a hurricane, who would win?"
Todd (Chris Farley), Pat (Mike Myers), Carl (Rob Smigel): "Ditka, Ditka!!"
Bob: "Hold on, Hold on, Hold on. The name of the hurricane is Hurricane Ditka."
We're now almost 2 weeks into the invasion of charitable mustaches all over Charlotte, and as a group, we've raised an amazing $21,000 already. I believe I speak for all of my fellow growers when I thank everyone sincerely for donating as it makes all the dubious glances and shaking heads worthwhile.
So for the donation honor roll as of 1/27 at 1:45pm eastern time: Bruce Affleck, John Borgmeyer, Sierra Cook, Carolyn Cox, Julie Doll, Katie Doll, Kevin Doll, Kurt Doll, Javad Khazaeli, Kim Ochal, Robin Rankin, Christina Spatz and Mariann Witkowski. Thanks for everyone's generosity - my mustache (updated pic coming tomorrow) has now raised $797. Pretty amazing for something I can't even bear to look at in the mirror. To add your name to this illustrious list of heroic individuals, jump to My Donation Page and make a contribution. The kids appreciate it!
In other mustache-related news, QOTD Friend/Fellow Mustache Grower Mike Bufkin has a must-see update to his Wispy Tickler blog. Since we have dozens (literally, two dozens) of average visitors here, we need to drive up his visitor count. Go there now to read it. We'll wait. For you fast readers, here's something to look at while you're waiting for all those slow, hooked on monkey phonics readers to finish up:
Okay, glad that we're all back now. As you might guess, after three years of blogging about mustache-related jokes/references, we're running out of new material. For some reason, while NOT sleeping last night and trying to come up with other pop-culture mustache references, I remembered the great Bullwinkle Show, one of the original cartoons that aimed many of its jokes over the heads of its child viewers, making it a forerunner of later animations like The Simpsons, Shrek and Barney. Despite its comedic brilliance, The Bullwinkle Show was also a forerunner in stigmatizing the proud and dignified mustache. The show regularly ran segments like Rocky and Bullwinkle cartoons (featuring mustachioed villain Boris Badenov), Dudley Do-Right (featuring mustachioed villain Snidely Whiplash), and also Peabody's Improbable History. This segment featured the genius dog Peabody and his pet boy Sherman going back through time to learn about various historical events. And at the end of every episode, there is a messy parade left to be cleaned up by whom? Yes, a hapless janitor with a mustache who appears to reside in his trash can, like Oscar the Grouch. Luckily, he eventually moved out of his trash can and onto stardom in Mythbusters:
Proving that mustached men can rise to great things from humble beginnings!
In my valiant attempt to fix these historical prejudices against the mustache, I realized that it's not enough to send emails with awe-inspiring photos like this one from a M4K event in 11/2008:
See this outfit recreated tonight at the Common House - I didn't spend $5 on it at the Salvation Army NOT to wear it every year!
No - pictures and blog posts are clearly not enough to face back this rising tide. I need to take this show on the road! Next week, my 'stache will take its first ever road trip - heading to St. Louis, home of the American Mustache Institute, the St. Louis Cardinals, who grew mustaches as a team last season, and the Gateway Arch, the world's largest mustache. So St. Louisans, ice down some Busch Light and get ready for some good times. More to come.
To close for today, we'll tie up our earlier conversation about Rocky and Bullwinkle with last week's conversation about our favorite low-rated tv shows. Apparently The Bullwinkle Show had some of the same issues:
Rocky: Bullwinkle, do you know what an A-Bomb is? Bullwinkle: Sure, a bomb is what some people call our show. Rocky: I don't think that's very funny. Bullwinkle: Neither do they apparently.
So here we are again. Writing can be a lonely business, and it can be very difficult to come up with fresh material. Every writer has their fallback topic. Dave Barry has his booger jokes, James Cameron has his stilted dialogue and third-grade-level plots covered up by amazing technology-driven effects and William Forrester has his you’re the man, now, dogs. Well, we here at QOTD/Mustache Central have two main topics that seem to be the focus of most of our posts.
George Lucas can't believe James Cameron's stealing his thunder...
First, there is the fact that we almost never update this thing, causing riots outside the QOTD bureau like Lane Kiffin’s departure from Tennessee. Second, that every year, we are involved in Mustaches for Kids – Charlotte, a sacrificial donation of upper-lip real estate to the cause of helping fund projects in schools around Charlotte. Luckily, since we haven’t posted anything since late September and today marks Shaving Day, the first day of 2010 Mustaches for Kids, we can lean on both of our fallback topics. Reader-unfriendly repetition 1, Creativity 0.
So it’s Mustache season again, when we make like a 70’s cop (minus the authoritah) and raise money for DonorsChoose. It’s a great organization, but we’re not super-excited to be sporting our juvenile delinquent-looking mustaches around town for the next few weeks.
We are excited for you to donate money to our fine cause, but we’ll save the pitch for a later date, when we’ve proven that we’ll actually update this blog every once in a while. Since we’re not thrilled about our future ‘staches, we’ll move on to a list of things we ARE excitable boys about here at the QOTD Bureau.
Excitable blog, they all said!
1. NBC looking like colossal idiots over this late night stuff. They really couldn’t have handled this any worse. Jay Leno is also looking like a backstabbing SOB (as well as the painfully unfunny hack he always looks like) by throwing Conan under the bus to get his old, lame show back.
2. Muse. Like everything else, we were late to this party, but have been listening to the last two albums quite a bit. Have also enjoyed watching their concert clips – and watching them live when they opened for U2 in October. They're truly excellent live, and also happen to have some of the most ridiculous lyrics of all time – as if the text from a crazy conspiracy theorist website was set to the music from Queen's "A Night at the Opera", but they’re awfully fun to listen to. This is either one of the hardest songs in Guitar Hero history, or the drug-addled ravings of the guy under the overpass. You decide.
3. Talking about the past.
4. Better Off Ted – alongside Modern Family, the best comedy on TV, and yet no one seems to watch it. Unfortunately, QOTD’s comedy approval is often the kiss of death, as we’re on-board with the kind of quirky humor that doesn’t fly with the masses (ahem, Jay Leno fans). Ted could be joining QOTD faves Arrested Development, Pushing Daisies, and Andy Barker, P.I., as comedies that were great but never caught on with a wider audience. This is how we here at QOTD feel about you, our loyal and loved reader.
5. Our fighting Charlotte Bobcats. 14-4 at home. We will focus on the positive and not mention their record away from Charlotte.
6. The QOTD Bureau's new snuggie. While it's not may not be as life-changing as The Wearable Towel, it's been pretty handy around the house with the freezing temperatures.
7. Clearly, we're already reaching, so we're going to leave #7 blank.
8. That's it. We don't want to use all of our material on our first post - so we'll be back soon with more mustachey goodness. As always, pictures will be added as the sketchiness grows. So onto the first quote of the day for 2010:
From last night's monologue on The Tonight Show:
“And I just want to say to the kids out there watching: You can do anything you want in life. Unless Jay Leno wants to do it, too." --Conan O'Brien
So we're back for a second day in a row. This is going to be a shorter, more standard post. Maybe if we don't aim for long, drawn-out posts, we'll actually update this thing from time to time.
Anyway, tonight the entire QOTD bureau were out living it up at a birthday party for a 1 year old. Besides being generally adorable (and lethal to the structural integrity of his birthday cake), he got some tremendous birthday presents, including something awesome called Counting Maracas. Multiculturalism and numbers, together at last. As a society, we're seriously getting close to Hooked on Monkey Fonics:
Speaking of birthdays, I would like to lament in print (well, if you print this blog post out, it will be in print. Go ahead. I'll wait.) the passing of the greatest greeting card company ever, Squibnocket Cards. It was the card of choice here at QOTD, and we would distribute them for any occasion that called for a card (um, birthdays). Our favorite gift store, Paper Skyscraper (PLUG!) here in Charlotte used to carry them. I've always believed in the omnipotence of the internet, but apparently it's too much to ask to find an image of the love card that starts, "Here I am, rock me like a hurricane is just my way of saying we should probably go out sometime." It goes on to be even more awesome. Since I can't find that one, this one will have to do. Consider it your reward for a job well done:
Now that Squibnocket is out of business, I guess it's back to Garfield cards for us. I hear he hates Mondays, but loves lasagna! Comedy gold!
Anyway, onto today's quote, from the early standup of one of our favorites, Norm MacDonald:
"I used to be in good shape, when I was younger. Ah man, I looked good back then. You should've seen me back when I was like...one. That's when I looked good. One. Oh man, I was young and fresh. I could show you pictures of me from back then, and you wouldn't recognize me. I've gone to hell. Hell in a handbasket as my great uncle would say. I even looked good for my age then. People would come up to me and say, 'What are you, zero?' And I'd say, no, 'I'm one over here.' And they'd say, 'You don't look a day over zero.' And I'd say, 'No, I must insist, I'm one.'"
If there's one thing you can say about the QOTD Bureau (or, as we're known in some circles, the QOTWWFLI - Quote of Whenever We Feel Like It - Bureau), it's that we NEVER go more than 242 days without updating. NEVER.
So here we are again. Fall is once again upon us. OUR St. Louis Cardinals could become the first baseball team to clinch a playoff spot in the next couple of days. Indiana Hoosiers football is a front-runner for the BCS national title after their impeccable 3-0 start with victories over powerhouses Eastern Kentucky, Western Michigan, and the Akron Zips (on the road!). Next up for the Hoosiers, the Texas State Fightin' Armadillos with cagey veteran quarterback Paul Blake.
Is there literally nothing Sinbad can't do?
As many of our loyal reader(s) know, this has not been a banner year at QOTD Headquarters, for several reasons that we shan't go into now. But one of the constants that's kept us sane are some excellent youtube videos (insert hack joke about how we remember MTV when it played videos here. then make current by inserting Kanye West reference. now proceed.) One of our favorites is an early Rilo Kiley song featuring the very hot Jenny Lewis (we at QOTD love gingers. Um, and brunettes. And blondes. But especially gingers!) called The Frug:
In this song, she refers to being able to do The Freddie. If you're young enough to operate the internets, you probably have never heard of Freddie and the Dreamers. If you have, you might remember their one sizable hit, "I'm Telling You Now." Now watch this video of them performing this song (and the dance The Freddie) and remember to use this as a rebuttal whenever any older-type person tries to argue that today's popular music is ridiculous. (QOTD note: today's popular music is ridiculous. but still.)
Warning: Do not attempt to drink or eat while watching this video. QOTD is not responsible for any choking due to extreme lameness contained within.
And finally, for today's quote, in honor of all the abuse we took during our 8 month hiatus (yes, Jim, we're looking at you), from Season 2 of Flight of the Conchords:
"I make a meal for my friends Try to make it delicious Try to keep it nutritious Create wonderful dishes Not one of them thinks about the way I feel Nobody compliments the meal
I got hurt feelings, I got hurt feelings I feel like a prize a**hole No one even mentions my casserole I got hurt feelings, I got hurt feelings"
Maybe we'll be back with more this week. Or maybe you should look for an update around Memorial Day 2010.
Today we're all over the place, but there is one common thread - we were lazy and are mostly just posting videos. It's two days in a row for the Not-Safe-for-Work QOTD postings. Well, only one of the videos below is not-safe-for-work, but it's so good that your boss will likely promote you if you watch it at work.
The aforementioned NSFW clip, a trailer for the upcoming Black Dynamite movie. We'll give you a second to digest its excellence:
Oh, look. It's a question from the audience. Question: Will the entire QOTD bureau be seeing this movie on opening night? Answer: Yes--we're actually typing this from a line in front of a movie theater waiting for its release. In fact, we might not have been this excited for a movie since Snakes on a Plane. And you all remember how well that movie turned out. Just as a reminder, a little Cobra Starship for your Friday:
We're getting a second Pink Panther movie where Steve Martin is an extremely pale imitation of Peter Sellers, but we're not getting a second Sam Jackson-fights-creatures-on-a-mode-of-transport movie? What is Hollywood thinking? Our favorite movie clip of the week comes from FishRockIt.com where a guy got his female friend to describe the plot of the original Star Wars trilogy (before George Lucas went insane) and then he animated her description. It's very funny:
Finally, for those people suffering through some winter cold, a little island gem from Warren Zevon (patron saint of QOTD), and his song "Hula Hula Boys", today's quote:
Yesterday she went to see The Polynesian band But she came home with her hair all wet And her clothes all filled with sand I didn't have to come to Maui To be treated like a jerk How do you think I feel When I see the bellboys smirk? And I can hear their ukuleles playing Down by the sea She's gone with the hula hula boys She don't care about me They're singing, Ha'ina 'ia mai ana ka puana(translation: "sing the chorus", or "get to the point")
And now, a clip of Warren singing this song live in 1990 (sound only - unrelated pictures...):
We've fallen down on the job again. Although at least we're blogging a mere 6 days after our last post. It's amazing how much guilt goes with running a free Quote of "the Day" blog that has like three readers. Anyway, speaking of guilt, we should note that we forgot to mention one show whose return has also fired up the QOTD Bureau.
Scrubs
Now in its 8th season, Scrubs seems to have found a rebirth after its move from NBC to ABC, getting back to its more dramatic roots and away from the overly-wacky slapstick trend of the last few seasons. It doesn't hurt that they've brought in some new interns to spice things up, including a couple of former Flight of the Conchords guest stars, Eliza Coupe and Aziz Ansari. Coupe's Denise, a hot, heartless doctor with no bedside manner has been a particular standout. Witness this exchange with George, a dying patient played by the awesome Glynn Turman (Mayor Royce from The Wire:
DENISE: "Mr. Valentine, I’m Dr. Mahoney. My attending really wants me to connect with my patients, so if it’s OK with you, I thought I’d get the ball rolling with a personal story."
GEORGE: "OK. You can call me George."
DENISE: "Awesome. Feelin’ it. So, George, last Friday I’m at a bar. I take this guy home. He’s a little fat. Whatever, right? Plus, chubsters are so grateful, they usually try harder. Anyway, right in the middle of things, he’s sweating and grunting like a hairy rhino and I just start to hate myself. Really, really hate myself… So, without even thinking, I just head butt him right in the face. Bam. Clock him right between the eyes. Knock him out cold. So, that’s what I got. What you got going on?"
Classy. And since I mentioned a politician from The Wire, I totally have a reason to run a conversation between the hilarious Senator Clay Davis and the aforementioned Mayor Royce (not safe for work. Sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeit!)
Anyway, this week's Scrubs episodes were pre-empted for some sort of inaugural ball or something. Really? As if that's news.
But seriously, as with almost every American these days, we here at QOTD certainly wish President Obama the best as he begins to take on some major problems. He certainly arrives with some huge expectations, as he is widely considered the best president since President Wayne Palmer ran on a platform of making America safe from terrorist threats, openness in government dealings, and hats for bats.
If people thought President Obama's choice of Rev. Rick Warren was controversial, you should have heard the outcry when President Palmer brought his JoBu statue to his State of the Union address!
Hmmm. Yes. Gone for a month. We were somewhat tired out from all that mustache-growing, and our typing fingers were tired from twirling our mustache, cackling evilly and tying young maidens to train tracks.
Court-room drawing of how QOTD spent its last month
Anyway, we did promise our readers a picture of our mustache on its last day before it fell victim to a rampaging Gillette Fusion razor (both with and without the rest of the Fidel Castro costume):
Don't hate us because we're beautiful.
Lots going on with the favorite TV shows of QOTD, many of which are coming back this week after long layoffs. Sadly, Arrested Development remains dead, but there have been very positive developments on the production of an AD movie. Good times, even if Michael Cera (George Michael Bluth) is being a bit of a Rude Gus about his involvement in the film.
24 Jack Bauer is back fighting terrorists using his three biggest weapons: torture, the ability to whisper-yell, and the ability to rise from the dead (twice and counting in the season's 6 years). And, spoiler alert, you have a good 3 1/2 months before you have to endure the return of his daughter Kim! What's not to like?
Lost The island done moved, and Michael finally died last year, meaning we won't have to hear him yell, "WALLLLLLLLLLLLLLT!" any more. Nothing really to add here, except that the return of this show is highly anticipated in the QOTD bureau...
Hey WALLLLLLLLLT! Your dad is deader than a parrot nailed to its perch!
Flight of the Conchords
FotC returns to HBO this Sunday night in the aftermath of the Crazy Dogggz worldwide success and band manager Murray splitting time between the two bands. QOTD obtained an advance copy of the premiere episode (um, along with like everyone else) and can tell our faithful readers that it's a standout - the song "Angels" featured over the end credits is a huge winner.
The Conchords sing "Angels". As a bonus, it's a video that doesn't actually show moving pictures!
Friday Night Lights
Now that both Arrested Development and Pushing Daisies are pushing up their own daisies, Friday Night Lights ranks as the best show on network TV that no one seems to watch. It's a fabulous look at life in a small-town Texas town and its beloved high school football team. The relationship between the coach and his wife is a joy to watch, and it also features the hottest cast on TV. If you're into that sort of thing. FNL returns this Friday night on NBC. Watch it.
If this picture wasn't so small, you could tell we weren't lying about that "hottest cast on TV" thing. Alas.
And finally, a plug for an internet-only TV show from Joss Whedon, the creator of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Firefly.
Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog
This was a three-episode show put together during the writers' strike, and is a musical following the travails of wannabe-supervillain Dr. Horrible (Neil Patrick Harris) as he battles smug do-gooder Captain Hammer (Nathan Fillion) in order to gain access to the Evil League of Evil, ruled by Bad Horse, the Thoroughbred of Sin. It's all quite silly, but it has its dramatic moments, and the songs will grow on you till you're singing them all day long. Or that could just be us. Anyway, credit to QOTD Sargeant-at-Arms Javad Khazaeli for sending this our way. We can't recommend it enough. We could embed the video from Hulu, but it'd be too small and crappy to enjoy, so just go to this link to watch it for yourself: Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog on Hulu
For today's long-awaited (ahem) quote of the day, we'll go with the letter Bad Horse sends Dr. Horrible upon his application for entry to the Evil League of Evil:
"Bad Horse, Bad Horse Bad Horse, Bad Horse He rides across the nation, the thoroughbred of sin He got the application that you just sent in It needs evaluation, so let the games begin A heinous crime, a show of force (a murder would be nice of course)
Bad Horse, Bad Horse Bad Horse, he’s bad The Evil league of Evil is watching so beware The grade that you receive’ll be your last, we swear So make the bad horse gleeful, or he’ll make you his mare You’re saddled up; there’s no recourse It’s “hi-ho, silver!” Signed, Bad Horse."
"I'm talkin' bout you, and me, and 'Stache, simultaneous..."
Who's the pasty white guy who's a sex machine to all the chicks? 'Stache! You're damn right...
Who is the man Who would risk his upper lip for his brother man? 'Stache! Can ya dig it?
Who's the cat who won't cop out When there's ridicule all about? 'Stache! Right on
You see, this cat 'Stache is a hairy mutha... Shut yo' mouth! But I'm talkin' 'bout 'Stache! Then we can dig it!
He's a complicated man But no one understands him like his woman... 'Stache Bash!
Okay, if that doesn't have you fired up for tonight's 'Stache Bash, you're a lost cause. See you tonight - I'll be the guy who looks like Fidel Castro, if Castro had a $5 beard from a costume shop. Pictures tomorrow.
It is indeed the final countdown. Just over 28 hours until the beginning of the 'Stache Bash, our finale party of the Mustache Growing Season, with almost $220,000 raised nationwide. Pretty amazing. And our Charlotte brutes have now jumped to almost $48,000.
In other news, our fightin' Charlotte Bobcats have traded away Jason Richardson and Jared Dudley, leaving us with approximately 1.5 scorers on a team that already couldn't score.
In still other news, I'm thinking about throwing my hat into the ring for Illinois Senator. We here at QOTD Headquarters are surprised that alert reader/QOTD Sargeant-at-Arms Javad Khazaeli hasn't already surfaced as Candidate 6 in the Blagojevich scandal. It's possible all the facts haven't come out yet.
In honor of the Final Countdown, today's QOTD comes from Europe's inane lyrics to the song:
"Oh, We're heading for Venus and still we stand tall cause maybe they've seen us and welcome us all, yeah with so many light years to go and things to be found (to be found) I'm sure that we'll all miss her so It's the final countdown..."
FINALLY, and most importantly, I'd like to do a quick honor roll for all of the generous folks who have donated to my mustache cause as of 3pm on December 11 (these will be deleted off this blog in a couple of weeks to avoid having this page show up when they are googled for the rest of time):
Jim and Linda Roberts, Dan Cornell, Andy Jackson, Marj Wagner, Katie Doll, Jane Searson, Dr. Will Ballard, Daren and Averie Millstead, Lindsey Gerrity, Sarah Peters, Andrew Crawford, Kevin Doll, Julie Roberts (OFoQOTD), Ellen Wiese Thompson, Josh and Anise Farmer, Katie Engen, Matt and Kelly Sproul, Karl Heinz, Brooke Roetgerman, Amanda Weable, Javad Khazaeli (Candidate 6), Jennifer Vruwink, Meghan Norman, Mariann Witkowski, Carolyn Cox, Amy Clark, Brian Williams, Tim Edmond, John Borgmeyer, Martha Roesler, Tim Coover, Katie Van Hook, Courtney Taylor, Andy Klump, Kerry Feld, Kate Gauthier, my mother and father, Amy Burgess, Ashley Crawford, Mollie Farrell, Jared Yerg (founder of Beards BeCAUSE, and Tom Searson.
Thank you to all - you have seriously made this mustache campaign worthwhile. I will post a final pic of me dressed as Castro with my 'stache tomorrow.
...is not just the name of an ill-conceived Eddie Murphy/Nick Nolte sequel. That's the amount of time I have left with my mustache this year.
Due to some exceedingly generous individuals, my fundraising total has jumped from $1,050 to $1,885 in the past week. We're still hoping to crack the $2,000 mark before the 48 hours pass.
Speaking of 48 hours, in 48 hours the 'Stache Bash will be in full swing, with many of the mustache growers in costume click to see last year's. I'm not looking to win any awards, so I've decided to go as Fidel Castro this year, primarily because I already own most of the costume, with the exception of the cigars (I'm pretty sure Castro smokes Swisher Sweets, right?). Come by Connolly's on 5th on Friday night to join us. $10 entry (all money goes to the charity) gets some free food and beer specials.
MMMmmmm...cherry flavor!!
Speaking of Cuba (this is a Keith Hernandez-level stretch), today's QOTD:
"I miss you more then Michael Bay missed the mark When he made Pearl Harbor I miss you more than that movie missed the point And that's an awful lot girl And now, now you've gone away And all I'm trying to say is Pearl Harbor sucked, and I miss you
I need you like Ben Affleck needs acting school He was terrible in that film I need you like Cuba Gooding needed a bigger part He's way better than Ben Affleck And now all I can think about is your smile and that sh*tty movie too Pearl Harbor sucked and I miss you
Why does Michael Bay get to keep on making movies?"
--Lyrics from "Pearl Harbor", a song from Team America: World Police
Four more days till I can shave this small, mammal-looking thing off the top of my lip. I'm certainly happy about that, but the OFoQOTD is REALLY happy about it. She rarely lets on, even going so far as to claim she likes the mustache. She's convincing enough that she probably should have testified on behalf of the Detroit auto companies in front of Congress.
In boxing news, Oscar de la Hoya was soundly defeated by the younger, smaller Manny Pacquiao on Saturday night. Pacquiao's domination was hard to believe, but it's even worse if you see the clips:
If only Apollo Creed had Doc Louis in his corner instead of Rocky, he'd never have died against Ivan "Death from Above" Drago.
And now for today's mustache moment, speaking of boxing, one of the earliest known boxing champions was John L. Sullivan, who sported a bad-ass handlebar mustache. He won some 450 fights in his career, including many of the bare-knuckle variety. That didn't stop the doubters, as Sullivan noted in 1905:
"'Your hands are too big; you'll never make a boxer,' was one of the bits of discouragement passed to me when I was beginning to attract notice as a puncher."
One of his most-celebrated fights was his bare-knuckle bout against Jake Kilrain. Although times looked bad for Sullivan when he vomited in his corner in the 44th round, he recovered enough to force Kilrain's manager to throw in the towel after the 75th round. (Rounds were not the standard 3 minutes - they ended whenever a fighter fell or was knocked down - but the fight still lasted well over 2 hours. Mustached guys are apparently tough-asses.)
For a final note that combines mustaches, boxing, Punch-Out and fundraising (of a sort), try this movie:
Remember, only four days till the 'Stache Bash this Friday night at Connolly's. Please come out to support the cause - and take the last chance to see my very own Von Kaiser-style 'Stache before it dies a dignified death...
Our blog title today pays homage to QOTD's favorite dead show walking, Pushing Daisies, which will soon follow in the footsteps of Arrested Development, Veronica Mars, Deadwood, Freaks & Geeks and Thunder in Paradise as QOTD favorite shows that died too early.
Speaking of things that are ending, our brothers-in-facial-hair-fundraising, Beards BeCAUSE are having their finale party tonight. My mustache, my lady and I will all be making an appearance to support them in their second extremely successful season. They are growing beards to benefit the United Family Services Shelter for battered women. There are so many hairy-faced men walking around Charlotte these days that Sasquatch reports have risen 400% in the last year.
A typical scene from a Charlotte city park.
Speaking of mustaches and parties, Jonathan Quayle Higgins III, aka Higgins (John Hillerman) in Magnum, P.I. has some wonderful advice for people going out this evening:
"Don't ruin my whiskey with Ice! I'm not a bloody American!"
Mustaches for Kids checkpoint #3 has just ended and the Guinness retention contest was won by someone other than your QOTD correspondent. This less-than-scientific competition apparently did not give style points for bad cop sunglasses, or we would've taken home the crown.
A picture from last year's Checkpoint #3, showing QOTD head correspondent in the sweet pink floral shirt ($3 at Salvation Army) along with the Wispy Tickler, who couldn't be bothered to dress up this year. He probably should respect my authoritah.
We're now down to only one week of mustache growth before next Friday's 'Stache Bash at Connolly's in Uptown Charlotte. We are approaching the $32,000 mark locally, and nationally are coming closer to $150,000!! Pretty awesome for a bunch of guys who are just neglecting basic grooming for a month.
You will see no denigration of Ms. Katy Perry on these pages - both because the Official Wife of QOTD loves her, and because we love her HUGE...talent. (apologies to Monty Python)
