quote of the day (Halloween 2008)

It's another Halloween, time for boys to dress up as something allegedly funny or ironic, and girls to dress up as something super-slutty. And for everyone to eat lots of razor blade-infested candy. Good times.

If you're having some trouble deciding on what to be for your Halloween party, let's let the kids from South Park lead the way:

QOTD does not endorse dressing up like Hitler. Or growing Hitler mustaches. That's outlawed by the Mustaches for Kids bylaws. We also do not endorse dressing up like Raggedy Andy, unless you want all the local Chewbaccas to kick your ass.

So, for your "enjoyment", a couple Halloween quotes:

"This Halloween the most popular mask is the Arnold Schwarzenegger mask. And the best part? With a mouth full of candy you will sound just like him."
--Conan O'Brien

"There are three things I have learned never to discuss with people: religion, politics and the Great Pumpkin."
--Linus Van Pelt in It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown

And now, for our costume judging, back to South Park, season one, "Pink Eye":

quote of the day (October 30, 2008)

Okay - so it's been more than a week. And we have lots to report on. The election is coming up. Another Mustaches for Kids drive is only 2 weeks away! The OGoQOTD became the OFoQOTD (Official Fiance of QOTD) when she put the One Ring on her finger in San Francisco. Luckily she has absolutely nothing in common with Frodo (other than the fact that Frodo hung out with one of The Goonies and The Goonies is the OFoQOTD's favorite movie). But she still chose to disregard this sensible piece of advice from QOTD's boys, The Flight of the Conchords:



Speaking of Flight of the Conchords, whenever we get angry, we like to angry dance like Bret. But honestly, as funny as that scene was, it's no funnier than Kevin Bacon's original serious angry dance from Footloose:

Nothing gets me wanting to angry dance more than John Lithgow.

So, in honor of all of the above, from Flight of the Conchords, which ties it all together, even Murray the Mustache (since mustached men tend to have more threesomes than the general population - it's a fact. Just ask John Hodgman!):

Jemaine: You don't even know anything about threesomes.
Bret: Have you ever had a threesome?
Jemaine: Nearly.
Bret: What do you mean, nearly?
Jemaine: I've had a twosome.
Bret: Wow. What was that like?
Jemaine: Great. I've done it several times, man.
Bret: Just one of you here... and then one.. Oh well then, I've had a twosome!

QOTD on Strike!

Not really. We're just away from our computer on our West Coast tour for the next week or so.

But we'll be back to quoting the hell right out of you when we return.

In case you're interested in what QOTD will be up to when we visit the San Francisco area, this clip should get you up to speed:


CUT. IT. OUT, indeed.

it quotes from something when it's told, or else it gets the hose again (October 16, 2008)

What are you, about a size 14?

Despite the fact that we at QOTD are basically lovable, swell guys who are known to shower at least bi-weekly, we sometimes have disagreements with our many fans. Sometimes these disagreements can be vehement (e.g. someone says Entourage is funnier than Arrested Development - note, this is only a fictional example. No such person exists.) and sometimes these disagreements can be minor (e.g. someone thinks Joe Don Baker's work in Mitchell is excellent, but I think Joe Don Baker's work in Mitchell makes him the Olivier of our time.).

One example of a major disagreement that comes up surprisingly often in my life is a difference of opinion between the Official Girlfriend of QOTD (OGoQOTD) and me over Silence of the Lambs character Jame Gumb (better known as Buffalo Bill).

This is a true photo of OGoQOTD reacting to my joy while thinking about Mr. Gumb's absurd antics:



Sure, it's true that he's a serial killer. That's generally not cool. And it's also true that he would throw his victims down a well, starve them and then kill them so he could make a skin suit for himself. This is also behavior that is frowned upon by polite society.

However, despite these character flaws, he also has these wonderful traits**:

--tucks his junk between his legs and dances around in a kimono
--has a little yappy dog he calls Precious
--talks in a ludicrously low, creaky voice
--uses some of the most ridiculous lines ever, including his fabulous "lotion in the basket" routine



Suffice it to say, if you can do a passable imitation of the character while saying any of these lines, know that you'll get a huge laugh from the QOTD bureau. (You just might get punched in the throat by OGoQOTD)

"It rubs the lotion on its skin, or else it gets the hose again."

"Don't you hurt my dog!"

"It places the lotion in the basket. PUT THE F---ING LOTION IN THE BASKET!!"

Anyway, alert reader Mike Bufkin sent the following song to our attention. The song is called "Lotion" (hmmm, guess what it's about?), and it's the brilliant work of a Chicago-based band called The Greenskeepers. Amazingly, it appeared in an episode of Grey's Anatomy, which makes us want to take back everything bad we've ever said about that show (even though we've never seen it). It is NOT safe for work. But it is very funny. If you're the sort of person who giggles when Jame Gumb appears on screen, that is.

Amy Winehouse wins multiple Grammy Awards, and this doesn't even get nominated? Conspiracy!!


**QOTD in no way endorses any of Jame Gumb's behaviors in the real world. Although if you want to name your dog Precious and dance around in a kimono, feel free. Just don't invite us to your parties.

quote of the day (October 15)

Though the bad news has seemed to slow down a bit this week, times are still bad out there. And with the final presidential debate scheduled for tonight, maybe the American people are in need of some tough love. If only Al Swearengen was running for president. (Al Swearengen (Ian McShane) = the murderous saloon owner from HBO's Deadwood, back when HBO had shows worth watching)

Al's pep talk to the newspaper man A.W. Merrick (Jeffrey Jones):

"Pain or damage don’t end the world, or despair or f***ing beatings. The world ends when you’re dead. Until then, you got more punishment in store. Stand it like a man — and give some back."

Showtime has its own great tv series, Dexter, which they have been kind enough not to kill. If police forensics expert/serial killer Dexter Morgan were running for president against Mr. Swearengen, he'd opt for the Bill Clinton-style of "feeling your pain":

"If I had a heart, it would probably be breaking right now."

Swearengen vs Dexter. If only tonight's debate would be more like this, I'd be a lot more excited about watching.



If only tonight's debate would be this fun.

quote of the day (October 14, 2008)

While most of the QOTD audience is either familiar with or a big fan of the US version of The Office, not many have seen the original UK version. The original was probably funnier, but definitely tougher to watch. Unlike Steve Carell's gentler, good-natured Michael Scott, the British Office was led by Ricky Gervais' insincere, aggressively stupid David Brent.

During one scene in the series' second episode, Brent (Gervais) and the Assistant to the Regional Manager, bug-eyed Gareth Keenan (Mackenzie Crook) have a brilliant conversation about sexual harassment, brought about by doing "research" on XXX websites:

David: "Look at this - Dutch girls must be punished for having big boobs. Now you do not punish someone, Dutch or otherwise for having big boobs.

Gareth: "If anything they should be rewarded."

David: "They should be equal."

Gareth: "Women are equal."

David: "I've always said that."

David Brent and Gareth Keenan, fighting every day to make the workplace safe for women everywhere!

And, in another great aside, receptionist Dawn (Lucy Davis) talks about her engagement to warehouse worker Lee (Joel Beckett):

"He proposed on a Valentine's day, although he didn't do it face to face, he did it in one of the little Valentine bits in the paper. I think he had to pay for it by the word, because it just said 'Lee love Dawn, marriage?' which you know, I like, because it's not often you get to something that's both romantic and thrifty."

During a training workshop at the office, David Brent sings his hit song "Free Love Freeway"

quote of the day (October 13, 2008)

Well, NASCAR week here at QOTD was a pretty big fizzle, huh? Two quotes in five days? Pretty weak, even by QOTD's lax standards. But most of our readership probably doesn't give a damn about racin', so really we were just doing you a favor.

You're welcome.

In sad recent news that everyone has already heard, the great actor and philanthropist Paul Newman passed away on September 26. While many will remember his on-screen roles in classics such as Cool Hand Luke, The Sting and Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid, our favorite role was when he showed his harder edge as minor league hockey player/coach Reg Dunlop in 1977's Slap Shot.

As the hockey season has just begun, it seems like a good time to use Slap Shot as today's quote. And if you haven't seen it, buy or rent a hockey stick, and cross-check yourself in the face. Once you've regained consciousness, go watch the movie.

Here's the opening scene (don't worry - no spoilers!) which should be a good intro to both the movie and the world of hockey penalties for our southern readers:



In a later scene, Dunlop (Newman) discusses the Charlestown Chiefs' newest acquisitions, the Hanson Brothers (pictured below) with the team's owner, Joe McGrath (Strother Martin):

[after meeting the Hansons]
Dunlop: "Oh you cheap son of a bitch. Are you crazy? Those guys are retards!"

McGrath: "I got a good deal on those boys. The scouts said they showed a lot of promise."

Dunlop: "They brought their f***in' TOYS with 'em!" (The Hansons are playing with their slot-car racing set in the hotel)

McGrath: "Well, I'd rather have em playin with their toys than playin with themselves."

Dunlop: "They're too dumb to play with themselves. I've done enough s**twork for today. What did you trade for them, a used puck bag? Boy, every piece of garbage that comes into the market and you gotta buy it!"

McGrath: "Reg, Reg, that reminds me. I was coachin' in Omaha in 1948 and Eddie Shore sends me this guy who was a terrible masturbator, you know, couldn't control himself. Why, he would get deliberate penalties so he could get over in the penalty box all by himself and damned if he wouldn't... you know..."

Two fearsome sets of Hanson brothers.

quote of the day (October 8, 2008)

Day two (er, three) of NASCAR week here at QOTD, all gearing up for the ultra-prestigious Dollar General 300 in the NASCAR Nationwide series this Friday night. Where QOTD (and its closest friends) will be in attendance, because it's cheaper and shorter than the real race on Saturday. That's the sort of dedication QOTD has to auto racing here in Charlotte (future home of the NASCAR Hall of Fame). It's hard to overstate the excitement at one of these races, but I think this clip might give you an idea:

She's more into the rubbin' than the racin'.

For today's quote, we're going to go to the 1975 brilliantly low-brow satire Death Race 2000. In this movie, a totalitarian government has taken over the United States, and pacifies the public with a brutal cross-country car race where competitors get points for running over civilians, with bonuses for babies and the elderly. Including such campy actors as Sylvester Stallone and David Carradine, the movie is ridiculous horror-style fun. Apparently much better than the watered down version that appeared in theatres this past summer (but only for a couple of weeks - I'm sure you can catch it on DVD soon).

Billy leans on his piano and contemplates what a talented Death Race competitor he would have been...

So during the race, some doctors set a bunch of elderly patients out in the middle of the street to be mowed down by the drivers during what they call "Euthanasia Day". Driver Frankenstein (Carradine) aims for the doctors instead, and the jovial commentators give their opinions:

Junior: "Frankenstein scores! Frankenstein scores at last! But what kind of a score, boys and girls? Just 80 points out a possible big 700. What do you think, Gracie?"

Grace Pander: "Well, those doctors - dear friends of mine - have been pretty smug all these years setting up the old folks. Frankenstein must have decided it was their turn."

Harold: "Which only goes to show that even the fearsome Frankenstein has a one-hundred-percent, red-blooded American sense of humor, heh heh."

quote of the day (October 6, 2008): NASCAR week begins!

Exciting days here in the greater Charlotte area, as NASCAR roars back into town this weekend. Although the October race has a significant decrease in fanfare and festivities from the more popular Memorial Day Coca-Cola 600, it's still a lot of fun. Especially the fact that you can bring coolers into the stands. With beer! What a wonderful country.

The mountains win again. Your hangover? A distant third.

Even MORE fun for those of us in the quotation game are the many dubious auto racing movies that we'll be able to quote this week, building up to the weekend's race.

From the most obvious NASCAR-related movie, 1990's Days of Thunder, Cole Trickle (Tom Cruise), new NASCAR driver and Dick Trickle's illegitimate son, discusses race strategy with his crew chief Harry Hogge (Robert Duvall):

Harry: "Cole, you're wandering all over the track!"
Cole: "Yeah, well this son of a bitch just slammed into me."
Harry: "No, no, he didn't slam you, he didn't bump you, he didn't nudge you... he rubbed you. And rubbin', son, is racin'."

Ryan Newman, consider yourself rubbed. (Ryan Newman = favorite driver of the J-Dawg, the official girlfriend of QOTD)

quote of the day (October 3)

It's an odds-and-ends kind of Friday. So rather than going for some sort of unifying theme for today's quote(s), I'm going to go ahead and just pick a few that made me laugh, and not worry about tying them together. (QOTD Readers (in unison): Wait, these things usually are supposed to have a theme?)

We'll start with some nerdy humor, and then move to the broader stuff later. Richard Loeb was a famous 1920's criminal (along with his partner Nathan Leopold, Jr) who was imprisoned for kidnapping and killing a 14 year old boy for the fun of it. He was also known to be exceptionally intelligent, proven by his being the youngest graduate in the history of the University of Michigan. So when Loeb was himself killed in prison, allegedly in retaliation for coming onto a fellow prisoner, Chicago Daily News newspaperman Ed Lahey wrote this beautiful lede:

"Richard Loeb, despite his erudition, today ended his sentence with a proposition."

Ah...nothing like a little newspaper grammar humor for you. But before we get to another quote, it's a song that will stick in your head for the rest of the weekend. Thank me on Monday:



Now for a quote with a bit more mass appeal from the From the decidedly NOT safe for work gossip blog What Would Tyler Durden Do?, the blog's author has some commentary on a recent stunt by the painfully tedious Madonna:

"Someone put some pictures from the Madonna concert last night in Los Angeles on their live journal page, and here are a few of the pictures on Madonna being "crucified" during the show while wearing a crown of thorns. The problem of course is that I'm so uptight, and her shocking "in your face" attitude is too much for me and the other stuffy blue bloods at the yacht club to handle. That's the only possible reason to not love stuff like this. In fact, when I first heard, my monocle popped from eye and fell into my champagne glass and I fainted on one of the peacocks."

This reminds us of the classic Onion article "Marilyn Manson Now Going Door-to-Door Trying to Shock People" It's really sad that the genius who once starred in brilliant films like Body of Evidence is reduced to cheap publicity stunts that no one in the world could possibly care about.

quote of the day (October 2, 2008)

With the nation anxiously awaiting the Vice Presidential debate (coming at you from the Official Birthplace of QOTD--St. Louis, Missouri), we figured we'd run a few quotes by some of the funnier writers/performers on each side of the political spectrum.

St. Louis' famous Gateway Arch, in a photo taken from across the river in East St. Louis, right before the photographer was robbed and beaten to death

First, on the right, more of a Libertarian than a Republican, P.J. O'Rourke:

From his 2004 book, Peace Kills: America's Fun New Imperialism:

"Wherever there's injustice, oppression, and suffering, America will show up six months late and bomb the country next to where it's happening."

and, from his 1996 treatise, Why I am a Conservative:

"There is no virtue in compulsory government charity, and there is no virtue in advocating it. A politician who portrays himself as caring and sensitive because he wants to expand the government's charitable programs is merely saying that he is willing to do good with other people's money. Well, who isn't? And a voter who takes pride in supporting such programs is telling us that he will do good with his own money— if a gun is held to his head."

So, the right heard from, let's try out the left, represented by Daily Show host Jon Stewart:

"President Bush announced his new economic plan. The centerpiece was a proposed repeal of the dividend tax on stocks, a boon that could be worth millions of dollars to average Americans. Well, average stock-owning Americans. Technically, Americans who own a significant amount of shares in dividend-dealing companies. Well, rich people, that's what I'm trying to say. They're going to do really well with this."

And, another Stewart quote that might be relevant tomorrow depending on tonight's debate performances:

“Does anyone know...does the Christian persecution complex have an expiration date? Because...uh...you've all been in charge pretty much since...uh...what was that guys name...Constantine. He converted in, what was it, 312 A.D. I'm just saying, enjoy your success.”

When the debate ends, we can count on NBC Analyst Chuck Todd or Murray, the Conchords band manager to give us his feedback!

quote of the day (October 1, 2008)

Now that we've addressed our female fanbase with yesterday's quote, we can get back to our usual shenanigans.

In order to distract ourselves from the United States' impending return to the barter system, we have caught several 80's movies that we'd never seen due to our parents' insistence on such things as homework and reading (see, Mom and Dad - all that education paid off! Now I'm writing a blog that no one reads!). As a result, we're just now watching such "classics" as Wildcats, Bloodsport and Teen Wolf (we have still not seen the Jason Bateman star turn in Teen Wolf Too). One thing that can be said about the 80's movie, as a genre, is those bastards really knew how to do a montage.

Now we know where Trey Parker and Matt Stone got their ideas

You'd think after seeing some of these movies, some of our latter-day movie characters might have understood the power of a good montage. For example, in the movie Seven, if Gwyneth Paltrow's character had spent a little less time whining about living in the big bad city and a little more time learning the crane kick from a kindly Asian master while synthesizer music blared in the backgound, I think we all know that something different would've ended up in the box.

Det. Mills: "What's in the bohhhhhhx?" Det. Somerset: "MMmmmm..looks like some delicious cookies!"

Anyway, the montage is indeed a powerful thing. As is this quote from Teen Wolf, one of the aforementioned 80's movies:

"There are three rules that I live by: never get less than twelve hours sleep; never play cards with a guy who has the same first name as a city; and never get involved with a woman with a tattoo of a dagger on her body. Now you stick to that, and everything else is cream cheese."
--basketball coach Bobby Finstock (Jay Tarses) gives Scott Howard (Michael J. Fox) some advice that is useful for all of us

AND...as a bonus, a surprisingly funny quote from the movie's Wikipedia entry on the ending (MAJOR SPOILERS AHEAD - if you're as behind on your 80's movies as we are at QOTD):

"In a dramatic ending set to the tones of musician Mark Safan, Scott is able to rally the team back to within a point as time is expiring. Scott is fouled by Mick on the final play and given two shots. In a clear violation of the rules, Mick is able to stand underneath the basket as Scott attempts his foul shots. Despite having to jump to complete the free throws, Scott makes them both and the Beavers win the game."