Send lawyers, guns and money...

Lawyers take a lot of grief. Everyone's heard the jokes (Q: If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him? A: It might be your bicycle. Q: Why do they bury lawyers under 20 feet of dirt? A: Because deep down, they're really good people. etc, etc). We here at the QOTD Bureau are here to stand up for our attorney friends, by going through a list of our favorite members of the legal profession.

Because our research interns are taking time off for Fall Hat Month, we're sure we're missing a few people here. Some lawyers we did NOT miss: Elle Woods (Reese Witherspoon makes our head hurt), Denny Crane (we watched zero episodes of The Practice), Ally McBeal (we preferred the guy from Ghostbusters 2 in that show), and Matlock (it's after Labor Day, friend).

So that opening out of the way, on to our list of our favorite 15 lawyers of all time:

15. Adam Schiff



Though Jack McCoy and Benjamin Stone got more of the attention, the eternally cranky DA makes all those TNT Law & Order marathons worthwhile.

14. Johnnie Cochran (the South Park version)


The real-life Johnnie Cochran might have helped OJ get away with murder with his "if the gloves don't fit, you must acquit" line. But that defense pales in comparison to the Chewbacca defense, which is so powerful that it has its own wikipedia page and is required study in first year law schools all across the land.

13. Atticus Finch



A stand-up dude.

12. That girl from J.A.G.



Okay, so we actually never saw J.A.G.. Nor do we know anyone else who's seen it. But we're pretty sure she was a pretty awesome lawyer. Or something.

11. Tom Hagen



As Don Corleone's right-hand man , he served as the voice of reason but wielded great power. Just like the role Andy Richter plays for Conan O'Brien.

10. Clair Huxtable



Who doesn't love Mrs. Huxtable? And she put up with those sweaters (and presumably lots of Jello pudding pops).

9. Vincent Gambini (Jerry Gallo/Callow)



Vinny's opening statement: "Uh... everything that guy just said is bullshit... Thank you."

8. All attorneys and the judge involved in the court case featured in The Rural Juror, the famous Kevin Grisham novel.

(not pictured)

7. Lt. Sam Weinberg



Another well-known second banana (potentially third, depending on your opinion of Lt. Commander Jo Gallo and her strenuous objections), he stands up for Pvt. Santiago, he gives Lt. Kaffee the "every day of the week and twice on Sunday" pep talk, and he's actually shorter than Tom Cruise, which probably played a huge role in his casting. Not to mention the fact that his role was played on the stage by Official Brother of QOTD, Kevin Doll. Plenty to make it onto this list.


6. Harvey Birdman



Just a great show. And his character is voiced by Bill Lumbergh. Yeaahhhhhh.

5. Punitive Damages



Punitive Damages, Javad Khazaeli's attorney/rapper alter-ego. Best known for his platinum album "Kickin' It in My Legal Briefs". Currently touring Dubai with Gröûp X: Arabian Rap Sensations.

4. Lionel Hutz



The Simpson family lawyer, who sometimes practices out of the "I Can't Believe It's a Law Firm" mall storefront. He also won a case against an all-you-can-eat buffet on Homer's behalf, calling it "the most blatant case of false advertising since The Never Ending Story". That rhetoric is almost as powerful as the Chewbacca defense.

3. Barry Zuckercorn / Wayne Jarvis / Bob Loblaw

The Arrested Development lawyers were, in order, very good, professional, and no hablo espanol. Zuckercorn had the most screen time, having anonymous rest stop sex, not reading pleas, extolling the virtues of Burger King, and even jumping a shark. Jarvis even hid professionally. And Bob Loblaw? Not only did he write the Bob Loblaw Law Blog, but he had one of the best legal commericals of all time:



2. Ed Stevens



The world's preeminent bowling alley attorney and founder of the Festival of Ducks, Ed Stevens was the linchpin (along with Dr. Jerome) of the heavily underrated early 2000s show Ed.

1. Katie Doll

Official Sister of QOTD just passed the bar this week, providing the inspiration for this post. Huge congratulations to her!

Now to the quote:

"I strenuously object?" Is that how it works? Hm? "Objection." "Overruled." "Oh, no, no, no. No, I STRENUOUSLY object." "Oh. Well, if you strenuously object then I should take some time to reconsider."

--Lt. Sam Weinberg, finding fault with Lt. Cmdr. Jo Galloway's objection style in A Few Good Men

Stache! 'Stache, I love you - but we only have 14 hours to save the earth!

This song is both the inspiration for this post's title, and video of Freddie Mercury's awe-inspiring mustache at the peak of its ability to inspire awe.

We're down to the last 24 hours of this year's mustache adventures, and I've spent the last week ill. I'm fairly sure this is a Tobias Funke graft-versus-host situation. My immune system has been rejecting my mustache. Or my mustache has been holding in the germs. Either way, it's been even more unpleasant than usual over the last week.

Tomorrow night (Friday night, February 12, that is. With hundreds, er, dozens, er high single digits of you reading this blog every day, it's tough to know when you're logging on) is the 'Stache Bash, the big finale party being held at Madison's/the Attic in uptown Charlotte. As part of the festivities, the mustached men get into costume to be paraded in front of local news personalities to judged on quality of 'stache and quality of costume. It's like a Mr. Mustached Charlotte pageant, but I get awarded no points for my talent of doing a Michael McDonald impersonation. Alas. And my GVH affliction has left a little short on the costume front, too. But rather than get too angry about my situation, I choose to make like the aforementioned Mike McD and get smoooooth:

Yacht Rock - it's all-out smooooooth...


If you can join us for the big party, come on out. If you can't, but want to show just how smooth you are, throw some money the kids' way before the Mustache month ends.

For a final push, we're going to quote our own blog (hooray for laziness! And chutzpah!) from the day of the November 2008 'Stache Bash, and our take on Isaac Hayes' classic Shaft:

Who's the pasty white guy
who's a sex machine to all the chicks?
'Stache!
You're damn right...

Who is the man
Who would risk his upper lip for his brother man?
'Stache!
Can ya dig it?

Who's the cat who won't cop out
When there's ridicule all about?
'Stache!
Right on

You see, this cat 'Stache is a hairy mutha...
Shut yo' mouth!
But I'm talkin' 'bout 'Stache!
Then we can dig it!

He's a complicated man
But no one understands him like his woman...
'Stache Bash!


a photo from last year's 'Stache Bash, when I went as everyone's favorite Cuban dictator...

This is how we're comin' for the ought-nine! (courtesy: Paperboy "Ditty")

Hmmm. Yes. Gone for a month. We were somewhat tired out from all that mustache-growing, and our typing fingers were tired from twirling our mustache, cackling evilly and tying young maidens to train tracks.

Court-room drawing of how QOTD spent its last month

Anyway, we did promise our readers a picture of our mustache on its last day before it fell victim to a rampaging Gillette Fusion razor (both with and without the rest of the Fidel Castro costume):

Don't hate us because we're beautiful.

Lots going on with the favorite TV shows of QOTD, many of which are coming back this week after long layoffs. Sadly, Arrested Development remains dead, but there have been very positive developments on the production of an AD movie. Good times, even if Michael Cera (George Michael Bluth) is being a bit of a Rude Gus about his involvement in the film.

24
Jack Bauer is back fighting terrorists using his three biggest weapons: torture, the ability to whisper-yell, and the ability to rise from the dead (twice and counting in the season's 6 years). And, spoiler alert, you have a good 3 1/2 months before you have to endure the return of his daughter Kim! What's not to like?

Lost
The island done moved, and Michael finally died last year, meaning we won't have to hear him yell, "WALLLLLLLLLLLLLLT!" any more. Nothing really to add here, except that the return of this show is highly anticipated in the QOTD bureau...

Hey WALLLLLLLLLT! Your dad is deader than a parrot nailed to its perch!

Flight of the Conchords

FotC returns to HBO this Sunday night in the aftermath of the Crazy Dogggz worldwide success and band manager Murray splitting time between the two bands. QOTD obtained an advance copy of the premiere episode (um, along with like everyone else) and can tell our faithful readers that it's a standout - the song "Angels" featured over the end credits is a huge winner.

The Conchords sing "Angels". As a bonus, it's a video that doesn't actually show moving pictures!

Friday Night Lights

Now that both Arrested Development and Pushing Daisies are pushing up their own daisies, Friday Night Lights ranks as the best show on network TV that no one seems to watch. It's a fabulous look at life in a small-town Texas town and its beloved high school football team. The relationship between the coach and his wife is a joy to watch, and it also features the hottest cast on TV. If you're into that sort of thing. FNL returns this Friday night on NBC. Watch it.

If this picture wasn't so small, you could tell we weren't lying about that "hottest cast on TV" thing. Alas.

And finally, a plug for an internet-only TV show from Joss Whedon, the creator of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Firefly.

Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog

This was a three-episode show put together during the writers' strike, and is a musical following the travails of wannabe-supervillain Dr. Horrible (Neil Patrick Harris) as he battles smug do-gooder Captain Hammer (Nathan Fillion) in order to gain access to the Evil League of Evil, ruled by Bad Horse, the Thoroughbred of Sin. It's all quite silly, but it has its dramatic moments, and the songs will grow on you till you're singing them all day long. Or that could just be us. Anyway, credit to QOTD Sargeant-at-Arms Javad Khazaeli for sending this our way. We can't recommend it enough. We could embed the video from Hulu, but it'd be too small and crappy to enjoy, so just go to this link to watch it for yourself: Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog on Hulu

For today's long-awaited (ahem) quote of the day, we'll go with the letter Bad Horse sends Dr. Horrible upon his application for entry to the Evil League of Evil:

"Bad Horse, Bad Horse
Bad Horse, Bad Horse
He rides across the nation, the thoroughbred of sin
He got the application that you just sent in
It needs evaluation, so let the games begin
A heinous crime, a show of force
(a murder would be nice of course)

Bad Horse, Bad Horse
Bad Horse, he’s bad
The Evil league of Evil is watching so beware
The grade that you receive’ll be your last, we swear
So make the bad horse gleeful, or he’ll make you his mare
You’re saddled up; there’s no recourse
It’s “hi-ho, silver!”
Signed, Bad Horse."

Ladies and Gentlemen, a Magician Named GOB...

It is indeed the final countdown. Just over 28 hours until the beginning of the 'Stache Bash, our finale party of the Mustache Growing Season, with almost $220,000 raised nationwide. Pretty amazing. And our Charlotte brutes have now jumped to almost $48,000.

In other news, our fightin' Charlotte Bobcats have traded away Jason Richardson and Jared Dudley, leaving us with approximately 1.5 scorers on a team that already couldn't score.

In still other news, I'm thinking about throwing my hat into the ring for Illinois Senator. We here at QOTD Headquarters are surprised that alert reader/QOTD Sargeant-at-Arms Javad Khazaeli hasn't already surfaced as Candidate 6 in the Blagojevich scandal. It's possible all the facts haven't come out yet.

In honor of the Final Countdown, today's QOTD comes from Europe's inane lyrics to the song:

"Oh, We're heading for Venus
and still we stand tall
cause maybe they've seen us
and welcome us all, yeah
with so many light years to go
and things to be found (to be found)
I'm sure that we'll all miss her so
It's the final countdown..."


FINALLY, and most importantly, I'd like to do a quick honor roll for all of the generous folks who have donated to my mustache cause as of 3pm on December 11 (these will be deleted off this blog in a couple of weeks to avoid having this page show up when they are googled for the rest of time):

Jim and Linda Roberts, Dan Cornell, Andy Jackson, Marj Wagner, Katie Doll, Jane Searson, Dr. Will Ballard, Daren and Averie Millstead, Lindsey Gerrity, Sarah Peters, Andrew Crawford, Kevin Doll, Julie Roberts (OFoQOTD), Ellen Wiese Thompson, Josh and Anise Farmer, Katie Engen, Matt and Kelly Sproul, Karl Heinz, Brooke Roetgerman, Amanda Weable, Javad Khazaeli (Candidate 6), Jennifer Vruwink, Meghan Norman, Mariann Witkowski, Carolyn Cox, Amy Clark, Brian Williams, Tim Edmond, John Borgmeyer, Martha Roesler, Tim Coover, Katie Van Hook, Courtney Taylor, Andy Klump, Kerry Feld, Kate Gauthier, my mother and father, Amy Burgess, Ashley Crawford, Mollie Farrell, Jared Yerg (founder of Beards BeCAUSE, and Tom Searson.

Thank you to all - you have seriously made this mustache campaign worthwhile. I will post a final pic of me dressed as Castro with my 'stache tomorrow.

soooo...a lot's happened in the three weeks since we last saw each other...

Bad correspondent! BAD!

So, in the three weeks since we last posted a Quote of the "Day", a lot has happened:

1) Your correspondent has started growing another mustache to help benefit public school projects in Charlotte and St. Louis. So far, its shabby appearance has helped it raise $1,157, good for 7th among the 110+ Charlotte growers.

2) Because of the questionable look of my half-grown 'stache, I have taken to wearing a Michael Jackson-style face mask to keep people's prying eyes off my face. I've also taken to dangling babies off balconies. But that's just for fun.

I tell people it's to protect me from SARS.

3) The local ABC affiliate was so impressed by my burgeoning bristles that they interviewed me 10 days back.

4) The Wispy Tickler finally updated his blog with tales of his mustache. QOTD may be a sham (but not a Sham-Wow), but we are much better to our many fans than the Wispy Tickler, who updates his blog on the HBO Sopranos schedule - about every 18 months.

OHHHhhhh--there he is! Look here, Ton', an actual post. Pass the onion rings.

We have about another 10 days of this junk to go, and we're in a tight race with NYC to see which chapter raises the most money. Currently NY has about a $1,500 lead over our $25,500. If you'd like to donate, go to my giving page and pick a project that sounds interesting. We'll take any amount - every dollar counts. And now, for a bit of inspiration, today's QOTD, from mustachioed failed actor/analrapist (that's a combination analyst + therapist, thank you very much) Tobias Funke:

"I'm afraid I just blue myself."

And one more inspirational moment, from 2007 and Mustache Inspiration Adam Morrison:

quote of the day (Election Day 2008)

In case you weren't sure, today is Election Day here in the good ol' USA, and rather than say anything about this election - since everybody is undoubtedly sick of hearing about it. Just remember when you're voting to elect a leader who's not afraid to make a mistake.

There's still to write in George Oscar Bluth on your ballot!

In addition to the bold leadership of GOB's presidency, sometimes it also helps to remember our history and how it shapes events of today. Author/humorist Dave Barry shows how the USA's intervention in other countries' affairs is a long-standing tradition.

"The first major president to be elected after the War of 1812 was President Monroe Doctrine, who became famous by developing the policy for which he is named. This policy, which is still in effect today, states that:
(1)Other nations are not allowed to mess around with the internal affairs of nations in this hemisphere.
(2)But we are.
(3)Ha-ha-ha."

Dave Barry, in his book Dave Barry Slept Here: A Sort of History of the United States

Finally, if you decide there's no candidate you prefer for ANY office, feel free to follow QOTD's lead by writing in Bill Pullman (or alternatively, Thomas Whitmore, Pullman's character in Independence Day) for every position on the ballot, including coroner and dog catcher.

quote of the day (August 26, 2008): pure laziness edition

We're feeling pretty lazy today. It's raining outside the QOTD Home Office, and we're just not up to coming up with something to quote today. So we'll just use another Dwight Schrute quote (two days in a row? very half-assed.) and then go to Old Faithful, Arrested Development:

"For some reason, there are a lot of yeast infections in this county. Probably because we're down-river from a bread factory."
--Dwight Schrute (Rainn Wilson), Medical Expert/Assistant to the Regional Manager, Dundler-Mifflin Paper Co.

And our lovely trip to Bluthdom:

"Okay, Lindsay, are you forgetting that I was a professional twice over - an analyst and a therapist. The world's first analrapist."
--nevernude Tobias Funke (David Cross) discusses his therapy career with his wife Lindsay (Portia de Rossi)

Tobias' card, long before he became a Blue Man or Phyliddia Featherbottom

quote of the day (August 13): Hero Squad!

5 days into the Olympics, and there certainly have been many medals awarded for all sorts of sports. Nobody has yet gotten any awards better than Buster Bluth (Tony Hale) in Arrested Development, who certainly lets his mother Lucille (Jessica Walter) know about his success:

LUCILLE: "Oh, Buster. Thank God you're home. There's no shame in being a coward."

BUSTER: "I'm not a coward. Would a coward have this? (holding some stuffed animals he won at an aarcade crane game)

LUCILLE: "What the hell is that?"

BUSTER: "These are my awards, mother. From Army. The seal is for marksmanship, and the gorilla is for sand racing!"

LUCILLE: "You're doing well?"

BUSTER: "I'm just dropping these off. Now, if you'll excuse me, they are putting me in something called Hero Squad!"

This quote, where Buster Bluth displays his awards, has been itself awarded the Buster Bluth/QOTD Seal of Approval, an award that displays Buster Bluth displaying his awards. Dizzy yet?

quote of the day (June 12, 2008)

A huge QOTD Welcome to Earth to future alert reader Katherine Amanda Basler, who was born this morning to loving humans John and Beth Basler. Truly excellent news. We can only hope that the Mr. Bananagrabber Saturday morning cartoon show will be on-air when she's old enough.

Now on to our usual brand of ridiculousness:

From the QOTD's favorite TV show, Arrested Development, Michael Bluth (Jason Bateman) tries to talk his grouchy mother Lucille (Jessica Walter) into relaxing at the Bluth family cabin:

Michael: "Maybe you can take a date up there [to the cabin]."

Lucille: "Oh, how am I supposed to find someone willing to go into that musty old claptrap?"

Michael: "..........(stares)..Ohh, the cabin! Yes, well, that would be difficult too."

quote of the day (May 29, 2008)

Buster loves juice. And those aren't cops. They're strippers. Look how hot they are!

It's alert reader Michael "Mike" Bufkin's 30th birthday today, so we'd like to dedicate today's quote to him. Also, this should be a good sense for what his birthday party is going to be like tomorrow night. From Arrested Development and GOB's bachelor party:


Michael: "There's more to life than strippers and booze and buckets of blood. Why do you guys have buckets of blood?"
Gob: "It's not real blood. It's corn syrup and red dye... juice."
Buster: "There's unlimited juice? This party is gonna be off the hook!"



And, just for fun...Michael and women? A-coodle-doodle-doo...

quote of the day (May 8, 2008)

Potentially the greatest exchange ever on potentially the greatest TV comedy ever.

From Arrested Development, Michael Bluth (Jason Bateman), talks to his brother GOB (Will Arnett) about selling GOB's new boat, The Seaward, as their mother Lucille (Jessica Walter) looks on:

Michael: "GOB, Get rid of the Seaward."
Lucille: "I'll leave when I'm good and ready."
(if that joke doesn't make sense to you, try reading it aloud. And if you still don't think it's funny, maybe this is more your speed.)


Coka, coka coh!

QOTD returns! quote of the day (April 21, 2008)

As I described in my last post, when you have as many as 3 individual daily visitors to a blog, you've got to use that power for good. And since we here at QOTD headquarters have had dozens* of requests for the return of the quote of the day, well, this just couldn't have worked out better. (*Dozens of requests, but only two people making them - it was mostly just Javad Khazaeli and Brian Williams, hoping to reopen the QOTD DC satellite bureau) So, anyway, we're back, and this time in blog form. But we're still open to quote suggestions, just like the old days. Write us at christopherdoll@gmail.com.

To kick us off, who better than George Oscar Bluth (Will Arnett) from Arrested Development to lay some ground rules for the revival of the Quote of the Day:



=========================================================
"Please refrain from discussing or engaging in any sort of interoffice [bleep]ing or [bleep]ing or finger [bleep] or [bleep]ing or [bleep]ing or even [bleep]. Even though so many people in this office are begging for it. And if anybody does anything with my sister Lindsay, I’ll take off my pants, I’ll shave my [bleep]. And I’ll personally [long bleep]"