Monday, September 19, 2011

Say your prayers and take your vitamins...

It's day two of Schadenfreude Week, and when it comes to substandard movies and television, Hulk Hogan is the world heavyweight champion, with such credits as Suburban Commando, Mr. Nanny and 3 Ninjas: High Noon at Mega Mountain under his (WWE title) belt. Of course, all of these bombs are balanced out by his Emmy-winning performance as Hurricane Spencer in the award-winning Thunder in Paradise. We are contractually obligated to post the brilliant opening sequence below. Slice up a lime, crack open a beer and enjoy.

James Cameron wishes he had a special effects budget like this!

But since we're in Schadenfreude Week, we're going to focus on the Hulkster's 1996 gem, Santa with Muscles, which rates a robust #61 on the bottom 100 movies on (only 6 spots ahead of yesterday's QOTD inspiration Bucky Larson. Hulk had to be at his movie-killing best to overpower appearances by the likes of Mila Kunis (2 years before That 70's Show, and only one year before her star turn on Walker, Texas Ranger!), Clint Howard, and Ed Begley, Jr. (aka Stan Sitwell).

Quick plot synopsis from IMDB: "An evil millionaire (Hulk Hogan) gets amnesia and then belives that he is Santa Claus." Unfortunately, as a millionaire, Hulk's character had at least 5 times more money than Santa with Muscles grossed in the theatres. I'm sure it was big on VHS, though.

It's hard to imagine that things went off the rails with quotes like the following:

"Santa, you sleigh me!"
--Dr. Blight (Steve Valentine) to Santa (Hulk Hogan).

QOTD note for aspiring screenwriters: the use of homophones, like "slay" and "sleigh" for a pun-related joke tends not to work when said aloud, as the joke generally relies on the viewer/listener to understand that you're using the homophone. Similarly, please don't create characters who do nothing but make puns on their name. For examples, please see every line spoken by Arnold Schwarzenegger in Batman & Robin:

Anyway, feel free to add Santa with Muscles to your Netflix (er, Qwikster) queue. You'll want to get it in there now so it will arrive by Christmas. Or Kwanzaa. Or at least by Wrestlemania.

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