Schadenfreude Week!

Long-time readers of QOTD (is there another kind?) know that we often enjoy a nice wallow in the misery of others. Specifically the makers of really bad entertainment. This song from the Broadway show Avenue Q pretty much sums up our feelings on the subject. (note: you may want to take Dramamine if you're planning on watching this - the camerawork is pretty Cloverfield)



Since we're always excited to spend some time reviewing crap in pop culture, we thought we'd go ahead and dedicate this second week of our return to focusing on some junk - present and past.

Behold, the Citizen Kane for a new generation!

Recently, a historic film ("an historic film" to our British friends) was foisted upon the unsuspecting movie-going public. This quality pic came from the esteemed Happy Madison production company, whose previous efforts Zookeeper and Just Go With It scored 14% and 20% positive reviews according to Rotten Tomatoes. This movie, Bucky Larson: Born to be a Star has a record-tying Rotten Tomatoes score of 0%. That means that they couldn't find one blogger/reviewer willing to provide a positive review in return for an autographed Mr. Deeds poster. Not only were the overall ratings universally negative, but the average reviewer rating was 1.6 out of 10. Truly an amazing display of putridity, and one that makes us wish we were strong enough to sit through it. Apparently the story of an imbecilic, buck-toothed Iowan who dreams of being a porn star, though a very common tale, is not the Oscar fare you'd think. It's directed by Tom Brady, by the way (not making this up). Though it's probably not the Patriots quarterback with the flowing locks and the supermodel wife, we're going to go ahead and pretend it is anyway. Because we hate the cheating Patriots.


Bieber lookalike AND Bucky Larson director? Way more impressive than those 900 yards of passing this season...

So, for your reading pleasure, some reviews of this quality entertainment:

First, from Grantland.com, Dan Kois' Razzie Award watch column, dedicated to predicting the winners of the Razzie awards, claims that Bucky Larson is a runaway favorite for Worst Movie. From his article:

"Here are 10 scenes that tell us Bucky Larson has the right mix of no-good awfulness and mortifying stupidity and B-list actors doing far from their best work to become a Razzie champ.

1. The scene in which a guy smears peanut butter on his genitals and has his pet goat lick it off. (Note: This is the first scene of the movie.)"

Andrew Barker, from Variety writes: "Adam Sandler's Happy Madison production shingle often alternates between the star's own, bigger-budgeted vehicles and decidedly downmarket pics featuring his buddies. The latter category reaches an almost impossibly low nadir with the Nick Swardson-starring porn-industry comedy "Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star," one of the most astonishingly unfunny films of this or any other year."

"This may be the worst movie Pauly Shore has ever been in. Think about that. If you dare, go on Netflix and test the hypothesis."
--A.O. Scott from the New York Times

"This movie is taking poorly written stabs at all kinds of different communities without showing any affection for any of them. The best kind of comedy comes from even the smallest amount of endearment, and this movie has none, leaving it a black smoking crater of bad, unfunny juju."
--Grae Drake from Movies.com

Summing things up is Matt Singer from Time Out New York:

"Every paid admission should include a T-shirt that reads, i saw bucky larson and all i got was this dead feeling inside."

QOTD would wear that t-shirt.

Out of hiding! (only 19 days to go!)

We're 10 days into 2010 Mustache Season, and the mustache has recently come out of Hibernation - we spent the first 6 days growing a full, Billy Mays-style (R.I.P.) playoff beard for our floor hockey playoffs. As one of the less-skilled players in a league where fighting is frowned upon, I had to do something special to pull my weight. I've been relegated to playing floor hockey because of my very substandard skating ability. I can't turn and I can't skate backwards, but I can go forward at a high-rate of speed until stopped by the boards or someone getting in my way. (This would make me an excellent forechecker--very persistent, but fairly ineffective. So floor hockey it is.)

So yes, putting on the foil is much less effective when you can't go all Hanson brothers in the floor hockey league (not THESE Hanson brothers. THOSE Hanson brothers) Our team, inspired by my beard, went on to buck the odds and win Lord Stanley's Cup. Which, in this case, means crappy black t-shirts.

Tastes like adult intramural victory.

But after that big victory and the ensuing celebratory parade (me walking through my garage), we eliminated the Billy Mays and are now looking much more like Adam Morrison.

Perhaps if this picture hadn't been taken 3 minutes after I'd gotten out of bed, we would look more alike.

Now HERE's two handsome guys that look alike!

In honor of the late great Billy Mays, we have a pitch for you, dear reader. Our mustache growing benefits projects in underfunded public schools - and if you'd like to support our shady-looking semi-'stache, you can go to My Mustache Giving Page to doante. Everything is tax-deductible and every little bit helps.

Now we'll leave you with a couple of classy youtube links. First, alert reader (and Official QOTD uncle) Mark Doll sent along this link of the 100 cheesiest movie quotes. It's definitely worth a watch, even though we're aghast at the inclusion of both Samuel L. Jackson's Snakes on a Plane quote and Rowdy Roddy Piper's classic "I have come here to chew bubblegum and kick ass... and I'm all out of bubblegum" quote from They Live.

They did not have anything from Gymkata, an old QOTD favorite, so we'll again link to the best scene in this movie, and potentially in cinematic history. No explanation necessary, but viewing is required:



Thanks to everyone for reading and donating. And as always, if you find yourself in trouble, head straight for the village pommel horse!

quote of the day (May 21, 2008)

In our week of bad movies, we would be remiss if we didn't address two of our favorites - the kind of movies that people pretend to hate, but watch every time they show up on Comedy Central or HBO (No, we're not talking about Rising Sun, Bufkin.)

First, Not Another Teen Movie, which mashes together jokes from just about every teen movie you can think of, from Breakfast Club to Varsity Blues. This quote refers to the standard teen-movie practice of the dubious way they make the lead actresses unattractive before their makeovers (ahem, She's All That):

"No, no, no, no, anyone but her! Not... Janie Briggs! Guys, she's got glasses and a ponytail! Aw, look at that, she's got paint on her overalls, what is that? Guys, there's no way she could be prom queen!"
--Jake Wyler (Chris Evans), referring to the obviously gorgeous Janey Briggs (Chyler Leigh)

Janey Briggs, pre and post-makeover. Which one could be prom queen?


And, second, EuroTrip. Really, this quote could be any of the lyrics from Lustra's "Scottie Doesn't Know" (nicely lipsynched in the movie by a tattooed/pierced Matt Damon). But we'll go a different direction, with a quote that hit a little too close to home for those of us who have experienced the luxury of Europe's youth hostels:

"Hello, and welcome to Amsterdam's finest and most luxurious youth hostel. We feature one medium sized room containing 70 beds which can sleep up to 375 bodies a night. There is no bathroom. Nor is there one nearby. If you do not wish to have your valuables stolen I suggest destroying them or discarding them right now. You can also try hiding your valuables. In your anus. This will deter some but of course not all thieves. Once you are inside, the doors are chained and locked from the outside. They will not be opened again until morning, no matter what. Should a fire occur due to our faulty wiring or, uh, the fireworks factory upstairs you will be incinerated along with the valuables that you have hidden in your anus. Tips are greatly appreciated." --Hostel desk clerk (Joanna Lumley), welcoming visitors

Scottie's gotta go.

quote of the day (May 20, 2008)

Since we featured R. Kelly's "Trapped in the Closet" yesterday, we thought we'd move onto other films that are so awful that they are fun. In this case, these awful films brought out the best in their movie reviewers - here are some great review quotes for some terrible movies, all courtesy of

Ed Wood says, "I don't know what these guys are talking about! I think these movies are fabulous!"

"Why have a plot, characters, dialogue? Maybe the sequel will be called Simplistic: Bullets vs. Humans." --David Hunter, Hollywood Reporter, in his review for Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever (0% positive on the tomato-meter)

"Rarely has a movie that doesn't star Madonna achieved such a skin-crawling mixture of deluded preening and bungled humour." --Liam Lacey, Globe and Mail, in his review for Ben Affleck/Jennifer Lopez stinkbomb Gigli (6% positive on the tomato-meter, one assumes for the fact that Christopher Walken appears in the movie)

"It's a thin, tedious caper only notable for its impressive Outback locations and a cameo from Christopher Walken that proves the word 'no' isn't in his vocabulary."
--Neil Smith, BBC, reviewing Kangaroo Jack (8% positive on the tomato-meter, again probably only for the Walken appearance)

"I would like to tell you this gross-out-on-camera is every bit as bad as its title implies, but that would not be entirely true. It is much, much worse."
--Rex Reed, New York Observer, reviewing vapid mannequin Paris Hilton in The Hottie & the Nottie, (5% positive on the tomato-meter, despite the absence of Christopher Walken)

and finally...
"Makes his previous effort, Delta Farce, seem a classic by comparison."
--Frank Scheck, Hollywood Reporter, reviewing aggressively unfunny Larry the Cable Guy's Witless Protection, (0% positive on the tomato-meter, because Christopher Walken's phone wasn't working that week)

I've got a fever! And the only prescription is a cameo role where I get paid upfront, in cash!